A
male
age
30-35,
*uriosity
writes:I'm writing for the first time on DearCupid and my name pretty much speaks for itself. Now I'm not the curious as in the same sex, but the curious type that wonders what it is like to be with another woman. Since I was 17 I have been with only the one woman. This woman is now my wife and mother to our children and I love her dearly, but I've still always remained curious as to what it is like to be with another woman. I've never acted in my thoughts and never would. I have too much respect for my wife and it comes down to the simple fact I have too much respect for myself. I grew up always wanting to have one person in my life and I wanted that person to be the first person I had sex with - all seems to be going to plan. But despite this wish, after about two years of our relationship I began to wonder. My wife has been with only one other person and it was a horrible experience for her, this was before we met, but because she's been with someone it has always played on my mind. Fast forward almost four years and I'm yet to rid the feeling. In more recent times we've been hanging out with our friends and they're attractive and we're great friends but we have those sexual conversations. During one of these I jokingly threw out the idea of an orgy and my wife said I'd never do it.That's what got the ball rolling. We went to our friends place a few weeks later and again I've thrown this idea out there. Except the reaction I got was yes but granted we were drunk.I told my mate that if he was serious to them create a group discussion with the four couples. I was surprised to find out he did. My wife have been talking about it all day and she's just as curious.Now it appears my 2 sets of my friends are interested. My wife and I won't stop talking about it.It won't happen straight away but we'll continue to talk about it until we know 100% yes or no. There are two issues I face if I'm honest.I can't imagine anyone else doing what I've done for so long to my wife. How did people feel the first time someone did stuff to their partner? And is doing it with friends a good or bad idea?
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male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (17 March 2015):
You have some very good advice and I could not be any more specific than janniepeg even if I tried. Welcome to the world of adulthood where high risk can either have high reward, or high loss. The advice is to think about the outcome of these ordeals and whatever you decide, close your eyes and never look back.
All the best.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2015): You should allow your head to control your genital rather then the other way around. No sane man allows another dude to hop and drill on his wife because whom will she call her man, you or the guy who will be doing her, perhaps better?
I don't know which websites are you reading who claim that swinging strengthens marriage because all data and experience shows that monogamy strengthens it and loose sex ruins it.
You are free to do whatever but the fact that your wife is so much in favor of having another man do her says loud and clear that there is something that she is missing or something that she wants but not getting.
You should fix your marriage first before you pawn off your wife to your friend to bang her.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (16 March 2015):
 "I keep reading that swinging has its benefits that makes couples fall more in love and that sex is not used as a measure of love. I guess you could say I use it as a measure of love but if for some reason she could no longer do it, would I still love her? Of course. So perhaps sec isn't the measure of love."
OP SWINGING RUINED My last marriage. I am remarried and I NO LONGER will share.
IF you use sex as a measure of love, and don't see it as purely a fun and games type of thing then DO NOT DO IT.
every couple I know that is successful at swinging has the "sex is fun and games" and is also married over 25 years each couple and all of them are in their 50s...
every other marriage I know of that went into swinging for whatever reason... has died. painful ugly deaths.
If you love your wife, then do not risk it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2015): You have something that is rare and should be cherished - a sexual relationship with only one woman your whole life. I think you are in danger of ruining a really good thing for what is simply curiosity. Once you have both had sex with someone else you can never turn the clock back. You will have both shared yourselves and that bond between you will change completely - the dynamic. If your wife likes sex with other men what are the boundaries? The same for you. If you are bored with your sex life explore other things first before doing something you will regret for a lifetime!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (15 March 2015):
 I have to say if you WANT to try this SOLELY because you have only been with your wife, it's a bad idea.
YOU should have "tried" a few more girls BEFORE setting down.
I can't imagine having sex with ANY of my good friends. I love them all dearly, but sex? just no.
You and your wife need to sit down and talk about this and STOP involving alcohol. It's NOT the alcohol talking, it's you. You just found it easier to bring up being drunk, that way if you really don't WANT to do it you can "blame" it on being drunk at the time.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (15 March 2015):
 There will be several outcomes due to what you decide.
You say no to the idea, you are glad you didn't try.
You say no to the idea, then for years and years it bugs why you didn't have the guts to try. Especially when wife has kids and all you do is work, come home and sleep.
You say yes, you and your wife had a good experience, you move on and you thank your wife for being open minded.
You say yes, you didn't have a good experience but your wife did. It was a stupid idea. You get images of men on her and it haunts you in your bedroom.
You say yes, you had a good experience but your wife felt jealous. You try to make it up to your wife.
You say yes, you had a good time, want to do it again and become a full time swinger. You two become disconnected as a result.
You say yes, you both had a bad experience but didn't mind it happened.
You say yes, you both had a bad experience and it ruined your marriage. But at least for the next marriage this issue won't bug you anymore.
I would say whatever decide be happy about it. Always be positive and not regret anything. Being stuck with indecision is miserable.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (15 March 2015):
 Doing it with friends is a good idea, as opposed to doing it with strangers. Sex is intimate, like it or not, and just feels better and more relaxed when it's with friends. When I had a threesome with a couple I know, the best description I can give you is that is was like a long hug. Nothing much, but cozy.
It doesn't give you that "high" that you get with a partner you love and are crazy about. It's more like getting a massage by a masseuse. It feels good, it can stroke you the right way, and it's enjoyable, but it's not a sexual highpoint.
I will tell you though, that unless the thought of someone else having sex with your partner TURNS YOUR ON, then it's not for you! Just the mere fact that you WORRY how you will react, is a clear enough signal that you shouldn't do it!
You wonder what it's like to have sex with other people? Then roleplay with your wife, that's my best advice. Because even though a foursome/orgy will mean you have sex with other people, it also means SHE has sex with other people, and if you're not sure you're okay with that, then it's not for you.
I've only suggested threesomes with my own partner when the relationship has been one where I felt totally at easy about the idea. I don't mind sharing, in principle, but it depends so much on the actual relationship. With some boyfriends I felt I could share with ease. With other boyfriends I felt the circumstances weren't right, because they might get jealous. Have you thought about that? Do you think your WIFE will feel jealous at some point? Is she the jealous type? With my current boyfriend, he would get upset if I started debating all sorts of sexual things Ive done in the past. It's really bother him. So a threesome with him? No chance. Because I know he'd be upset afterwards, even if he was to enjoy it then and there.
You know your wife, so you know how she will feel. Remember that even if you have sex with other people just once, the memories can last through your entire marriage, and potentially poison it. If you worry there's even a slight risk of that happening, then don't do it. There are several other ways to have an exciting and adventurous sex life.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2015): Frankly from your description of your relationship with your wife I don't think you will tolerate handing her to another guy, and in most probability you will not be able to perform with another woman either.You can test your feelings with a prostitute if you like and see if you can perform.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2015): A really bad idea. In the end you're just going to lose and hurt your wife, and probably lose your friends' or at least their partners! I can't even believe this is a question to be honest with you. What a horrendous idea.
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A
male
reader, Curiosity +, writes (15 March 2015):
Curiosity is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Abella, thank you very much for your reply. I could have gone into much greater detail within the question but I thought I'd be writing an article almost. I will now that upon having these discussions, my wife and I have had a look at ourselves and asked one another what could we do to spice things up. So I guess that is a good step. The length of time we've been together has felt so long that it just feels natural we are together and I could not imagine being with anyone else. She feels the same. We've had talks before of a three some and she has always asked me how I'd feel if it was with another male. I have always strayed away from having this full on discussion with her because I have never felt 100% confident with other men touching her and making her feel the way I do. But within more recent times, after having talks about Swinging, we've both expressed that we have always wondered what it would be like to be with others but have never acted on it and wouldn't because wec wouldn't cheat or lie. But with that curiosity already there i do also wonder that if we don't explore this new direction, what is stopping that curiosity from outgrowing the other and then acting on it?We won't do anything without agreeing 100% and being 100% comfortable but is this is for the next 70 to 80 years?I keep reading that swinging has its benefits that makes couples fall more in love and that sex is not used as a measure of love. I guess you could say I use it as a measure of love but if for some reason she could no longer do it, would I still love her? Of course. So perhaps sec isn't the measure of love. The reason why we would also look to do ut with friends is due to the trust we have. These friends are not our best friends - grooms men, brides maid. I would never go there. But these are friends with a curiosity to the same as us. Would doing it once be so bad? If we did it communication lines would be very much open and rules set.I've enjoyed your reply and I'm not going to make my mind up yet nor will my wife but we are looking to explore another part of life. I really look forward to hearing back from you.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (15 March 2015):
 Think what this could become?
You made a promise to each other. You wanted a relationship with one woman. The two of you entered into a contract to marry and since then, now 23 you now have children together.
How important is it to bring your children up in a calm and peaceful environment where there is a stable happy relationship because the two of you are contented being together?
Do you wonder how it would change your wife to be passed around to other men in your group of friends?
Think what this could become
You chose to not play the field ever, though you could have played the field until you were 30 or even 45 before you settled down.
But then you might have missed our out on your wife. And your beautiful children may never have been born.
Instead you married young. That was your choice to settle on one woman. You achieved all your goals back then, That must have been very satisfying.
Now the grass is looking greener on the other side and for some time you've been feeling curious about trying out another woman.
If you don't want to be faithful to your wife and you want to start playing around do you understand what fire you are dealing with?
I suggest that you talk things over with a marriage counsellor.
Think what this could become?
What if you or your wife start to have feelings for another person? What if jealously rips apart your marriage and leaves you and your wife with no option except possibly divorce. How will this affect your beloved children?
It sounds like you are feeling constrained by the ties to your wife and your family. I hope I am wrong as I feel that you do love your wife and children Very much.
Personally I think choosing to discuss having sex with other people will have a negative affect on your marriage. You have not even reached the 7 year mark and already you are restless.
Could you start a new hobby that takes up some of your energy.
If you chose to think up ways that focus on you and your wife solely and think through things to spice up your intimate times with just your wife then perhaps this pent up sexual energy would be better use solely on your existing relationship.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2015): Here are some of mine general rules of thumb for a more splendid marriage:
- Fewer sex partners prior to marriage, happier marriage
- sex outside of marriage is only great inside your mind
- sex with other people is awesome as long it is in a movie
- sex with your wife can always reach new heights because inside marriage nothing that the two can agree on is impermissible
- any kind of sex involving a third, forth or multiple parties is just a poor excuse for infidelity that will, one way or another and in time, wreck your marriage
- you have to be an unrelenting giver to your spouse so that she does not seek what she craves outside of the marriage.
In your case, all of these apply but before you plunge into orgies and other waters that can sweep your marriage to the divorce court, be sure you examine the last dash above and find out what your woman is missing given that she is so receptive of using you to approve other men to do her.
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