A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:In April I hired a new female employee who is 10 years younger than I am. She wasn't my first choice, but my employer said I could not hire my first choice for some reasons they say they cannot disclose to me because of privacy. Ever since then my wife has been extremely and irrationally jealous of this new hire and, frankly, hurtful to me. She calls the new hire stupid. She calls my boss stupid. She says I am pathetic for allowing the company to overrule my first choice candidate. The list of accusations is long. She doesn't accuse me of having an affair or anything, but she says I can tell how excited I am and that she hopes my new employee fails and my boss is fired for forcing her on me.I try to respond rationally. I tell her that my new hire is qualified and that the rest of my staff likes her. I tell her that she was my second choice among all the candidates we interviewed. I tell her that her wishing ill on my new hire affects me and that if she does not succeed that will just mean bad things (like more work) for me. I get back irrational rants. The new hire is a Latina and so is my wife but that doesn't stop her from engaging in insulting racist anti-Latina rants against her. I told my wife "What if someone is saying those things about you right now?" and she said "Don't compare me to that expletive!"I don't know what to do. Since April I pretty much stopped talking about work or about the new employee which is unusual because I usually share my work day stories with my wife and she has met all my staff. Last week my wife said: "Why don't you ever talk about that stupid expletive you and your dumb boss hired?" I told her I don't because when we do we argue about her and then we proceeded to argue. I have never seen my wife so angry at me for no reason. I don't work late. The new hire is a pretty woman, but she is married and there is no real attraction between us in either direction so I just don't understand the animosity. She just says she knows I am comparing her to this new employee and she will never forgive me for that. I really don't know what to do because I can't fire this new hire and she is doing a good job. I'd arrange for us all to go to lunch or something but I fear that might not end well. What can I do to help my wife understand that I didn't hire this woman based on her looks (she wasn't even my first choice candidate!), she is qualified (she has a graduate degree), that she has been a good employee so far, and that there is no attraction and no flirting at all? I find the constant fights about nothing very irritating and I am starting to get angry with my wife for having such a low opinion of me. I never cheated on her EVER. There was a girl at work once who had a crush on me but I never saw her out of the office and I was nothing but professional in that situation as well. I know it is her own insecurity showing but I am losing my patience.
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (22 July 2015):
 Is there a reason for her *to put it mildly* irrational behavior?
Have you talked OVERLY much about this or other female co-workers in the past? Sometimes people tend to go on an on about new people that they enjoy (can be on a TOTALLY platonic level) but they don't really realize how much this "new" person is monopolizing the conversation.
Maybe that is why? I'd keep asking her about her day and see if that might be it?
If it's not that reason. Then you wife needs her head checked out. Sorry, to be blunt but to use "insecurities" as an excuse to use racial and demeaning slurs about a woman SHE has never even met is (in my book) totally unacceptable, and if that was my partner? I would NOT hold back in giving her a lecture. I would also tell her that she NEEDS to verbalize what her REAL problem is with this woman. If not.. she needs shut her pie-hole about this TOTAL stranger.
To me it seems like the "do I look fat in this dress" issue. Which means... if she talks smack and you DEFEND the other woman (because really who wouldn't?) you lose, if you don't defend her.. you must be hiding something, you lose...
Have you considered asking your wife to stop by and MET this new employee? Or maybe host a small dinner party for SEVERAL of the employees and include this new one? So she can met her? It might be a good idea for her to met her, unless... she is going to continue with her "unclassy" and disgraceful demeanor towards this woman.
A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (22 July 2015):
 Your wife's reactions are certainly over the top. Has your wife ever met the woman at work? Don't at all suggest that all of you go out for lunch together because it could be the biggest debacle ever. Even if the woman ever even glanced in your direction, your wife would accuse her of being interested in you because she somehow seems to have decided that she cant stand the woman and doubts both her intentions and yours.
Could you just maybe sit your wife down and talk to her when she's in a relatively good mood? Hold her close to you, convince her that she has nothing to worry and that there is and never will be anything between you and the woman at work because there is no question of it! You are just professionals doing a job and if not her, there might be another woman to replace her. You cant keep ostracizing yourself from all women just because your wife wants you to; you're bound to meet many people in your professional life who you work with.
Try to explain all this to her. Ask her what her concerns are. I'm sure she'll come around.
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A
female
reader, jenson86  +, writes (22 July 2015):
You need to sit down and talk to you're wife, tell her how you feel. Explain that her behaviour is causing unneccessary stress on your relationship. It sounds to me she is feeling very insecure...why? Does she need more affection from you. If she carries on like this your relationship is going to suffer and she needs to understand that. She will push you away without even realising. Do not stop talking about your worklife or said girl as you have done nothing wrong and if you do not carry on how you was before then she might think there is reason you do not want to talk about said girl. Tell your wife you do not compare her to this other woman as she is the only woman for you and no one can compare to her. She may be scared she is going to lose you reassure her. I would be inclined to ask your wife if she would go to lunch with said girl and her husband, this may help the situation as she will get to see you both together and will also see the other woman happy with her husband. Ask her if she would like this. When she does try to argue with you walk away into another room and just say i am not going to argue with you, but if you want to talk i am all ears. Tell her to explain why she is reacting like this and this will then give you the opportunity to explain how you feel.
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