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My wife is having an affair, what do I do?

Tagged as: Cheating, Marriage problems<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (7 January 2008) 6 Answers - (Newest, 29 September 2009)
A male United States age , *onelyElmo writes:

My wife and I have been married nearly 20 years. In the past month I suspected something going on and started checking her company cell phone for text messages. There is one person whom she works with who was sending her messages on how much he misses her and how much she drives him crazy. I don't blame him there as she is very beautiful and other men have made similar comments to her. I never thought that it would go any further until I saw some messages where she answered back and called him "Baby". Finally, on Christmas Eve I found a message where she said that she loves him. I was devastated as I've never had a reason to believe that my wife would ever cheat on me. I have to admit that I'm in a job that I rotate to three different shifts every six weeks and it's pretty much a seven day a week job. I also have to admit that I've become "comfortable" in our relationship and I've more than likely did not keep the pilot light lit. Our sex lfe was almost non existent last year, 2007, as I'm never one to push things in that department. I've always respected the fact that she needed her rest. She says that she still loves me but she loves him at the same time. She said that she doesn't know how this happened and can not explain how these feelings for him came about. Naturally I feel like I'm competing against him and it's me that has a very tall mountain to climb. I love my wife more than anything in this world and I'm not bitter about all of this as I'm sure that most, if not all of the blame rest on my shoulders. We have two boys, one in high school and another living in another town. Now that I have put all of my feelings on the table and I feel that I need a third person to talk to, is there any advice to help me?

View related questions: affair, christmas, text

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A male reader, fellini1973 United States +, writes (29 September 2009):

WOW! whatever haeppened to eternal vows?? Look, First off...STOP STOP STOP blaming yourself. You say that you didnt keep the pilot lit. Ok, I understand that...But there is ABSOLUTLY NO EXCUSE for your wife to be having feelings for another man! For crying out loud ...You guys are married. Whatever happened to " for better or for worse"..?? I find it so ridiculous when women get on her blaming us men for doing this and doing that! Kick that tramp that you call a wife to the curb & get some self respect! Not to offend you...but,....WHERE THE HELL IS YOUR PRIDE & DIGNITY!!!! Your letting this woman that you call a wife sneak away and have an affair...right under your nose! Are you kidding me? Your gonna accept the answer that hes leaving in 3 weeks so that it will end?? Are you for real?? Bur hey, if you can overlook this, GOD bless you cause i would have already filed for divorce. You sound like a legit guy & you desrve so much better....Trust me, when this guy is gone there will be another one to replace her! Take a stance for yoursef! Keep losing weight & feel better about yourself! Kick the trash out to the curb & find someone out there that will give you a stable realtionship & love & respect you deserve. Its time that you realize that this isnt proper behavior for a woman! I cant believe that any man would allow their own wife to go out & get nailed by another dude!...And your taking it too! Your wife is setting a bad example to you & your children. She humiliating you & she finds nothing wrong with it....BOO HOO! Im sick & tired of all these broads here saying that they need this...they need that...BULLSHIT! Being married means being faithful! TAKE A STANCE & REGAIN YOUR PRIDE & DIGINITY...take out the trash & wait for the trashman to dump it! I wish you luck! Its time that we men take a stance to all theses liberal women that only want to justify this dispicable behavior! There is NO justification for this! shame on her! GOOD LUCK AGAIN! peace!

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2009):

There is no doubt your wife is having an affair. Much depends on how far they are into it. Is it limited to just talking and exchanging messages; usual kissing, necking and petting; then of course your relationship might be retrievable. However, it is gone beyond that, meaning they have had sex together, and they both have really enjoyed it, then your relationship is beyond redemption. Once a woman has experienced an orgasm with another man she can never leave him, whatever may happen? Now it is for you to decide. Keep her or leave her. If you decide to leave her then you will begin life afresh but you will make your children’s life miserable. If you want to keep her, provided she too wants to stay with you, then think you have entered into the realm of cuckoldry. It is a choice you have made where you have to endure something that is beyond the purview of normal marriage relationship. You have no option left but to share your wife with the man of her choice. All that talk of counseling and trying to turn into a new leaf is utter bullshit. Believe me this would never happen.

Once she sees that you have reconciled with the situation her and her lover both would lose the taste in the forbidden fruit they hitherto had been enjoying. The thing that charmed them into it would simply vanish. The thrill of meeting and doing things surreptitiously will no more be there. Then there is every chance that she would leave that man and might come back to you. If she does not then you will continue to fantasize end enjoy your fantasy. There after all, you have nothing to lose.

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A male reader, herman United Kingdom +, writes (7 January 2009):

I have been 20 year marriage and this happen It's hell it took me a year to get my life back.

someone said to me this could be the best thing that has happen to you.

how could it be this is my worst nitemare . it nearly kill me but they were

"right" I'm a 43 year old man with 2 kids who would what me. well how about a

25 year old Lingerie model yes it's true my life is now great we have found love

the sex out of this world . I really can not thank my wife it's the best thing she

done for me . I hope this helps someone x

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A male reader, LonelyElmo United States +, writes (14 January 2008):

LonelyElmo is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Here's the latest update to my problem; my wife fully admits that she is the problem here and no one else. She tells me that everything between us has gradually gone downhill for the past 8 - 10 years. Since she will be 50 this year, she says that she is going through a real crisis. I was not aware of any of this until last year when it seemed like we were just going through the motions of living together. She tells me that she loves this guy and he loves her, but he is moving away in three weeks and things will change when he does. Until then, she continues to communicate with him and sneaks away to see him whenever possible. I know I'm a fool for not walking out or kicking her out, but I just love her too much. I have a deep feeling that she doesn't want me to go and she doesn't want to go just to keep up the good home front in front of the kids and her father and not that she wants to try to work things out for us and no one else. My emotions now are that I'm willing to accept all of this and try to go on with life as it is. I have to admit, it's making life very interesting and sexy here. Our line of communication has opened up considerably. Like I said before, I feel like I'm competing against this guy, he's 11 years younger than her and I'm 8 years older than her so I guess I have a tough way to go. Another good thing, I've lost 16 pounds in the last three weeks and have started running again. I'm going to try to last out my son's high school junior year and if things aren't different by then I'm taking some action. She goes or I do.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2008):

20 years thats a long time to be with someone.

The basic mistake of course you already know is that you didnt allow enough time together and i bet you forgot to give yourself time off.

Of course i have done simmilar and well share your circumstances just a few less years and perhaps a little more bitterness.

From that perspective im afraid it wont work trying to salvage the relationship as best as you try it would take two to have it succeed.

Guilt will seep into the womans head and lay seeds of despair which unfortunately spell doom for any rekindling of the relationship.

Course i just plain ignored that advice too so i dont mind if you ignore that as well.

It does hurt not only your emotions but your pride when such things happen , holiday when you can as i believe you need to remind yourself what funs about.

If you decide to try and rekindle i would suggest

time off

if you take the painful in the shorterm route i would suggest a lawyer

Eventually u need to get onto a job where you get more time off

Feeling mega stressed ???? excercise is a good way to relief it.

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A male reader, emad khan Spain +, writes (7 January 2008):

emad khan agony auntHi

I had a similar situation with a girl that I was in love with for 4 years. Obviously your situation is more..difficult, but I believe its salvagable. There is hope.

Basically, it seems that she has found something that she believes was lacking in her relationship with you. They say that there are certain basic

needs for men and women. Generally they are the same things, only in a different order. i.e. for men, sex is on the top of the list, whereas for women conversation, touching, affection, would be on the top, and sex would be...say..4 on her list. Well, when one of these factors are missing, an affair may occur. It seems there is something lacking in this relationship... probably passion, and romance...something you two once shared many years ago, but forgot about. How do you fix the situation? Well in effect, you are in competition. Its not about looks, or this or that...its about how he makes her feel. YOU have to win her back with romance. Flowers, a gift. DO NOT

I repeat DO NOT over do it. Maybe have some flowers sent to her place of work once. Write her a poem. Let her know she's speacial to you, that you love her.

the truth is, its not your fault that this is happening. Shes responsible in her own way. But this is not about anger or faults, this is about keeping your

love/ marriage from falling apart. I would consider trying to work less hours

if possible, also taking care of yourself physically, i.e. the gym. Learn to create mood and romance in your marriage. This may be your opportunity

to make your relationship even better, and stronger, and more exciting.

Learn about Tantra, or Tantric sex- get interesting on her...she may like that.

re-learn to romance her like you did all those years ago.

you seem to be a good guy, I suspect, with some effort you can win her

back to your side. Take care man!!!


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