A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I'm married for 3 years now and have observed what I would consider to be an inordinate amount/level of lying by my partner. After several of those 'untruths' I began to wonder if there weren't some other things which I had been deceived or lied to about, or which had been omitted or simply hidden from my eyes. Ours began as a long distance relationship), we'd met on an online dating website and in our first days, when I was first getting to know her, she told me that she was a teacher working in another country. I was in the US, she working as an Overseas Foreign Worker (in another country other than her own). She told me that she was working as a teacher but our online conversations were taking place at such times when (I surmised) it would be impossible for her to be working as a teacher. It didn’t take long and I knew that ‘something was off.’ After several days of observing I told her that it didn’t seem possible that she could be working as a teacher, she insisted that she was and ‘made up’ scenarios to support her deception. I’d asked questions over several days because it wasn’t adding up, eventually after picking her story apart, I cornered her with facts. When the evidence was too obvious to deny anymore she finally admitted that she’d lied about her occupation. She was forced to the truth and revealed that she was working as a Domestic Helper (maid), not teaching. When asked why she lied about her job she said that she did have a teaching degree but told me she was working as a teacher (instead of domestic helper) because she was ashamed and did not think that I would be interested in her if I knew she was a maid. She’d already told me previously that she was a certified, degree-holding teacher, something that I respected and admired. I explained to her that it would have made no difference to me weather she was working as a teacher, or maid and that I was disappointed in her hiding it and did not (really) understand her reasoning for the deception. This for me was a red flag, nevertheless, I was enamored with her already and after a teary appeal for forgiveness, I decided to overlook it. I made note of it but did not choose to hold this against her and continued in the relationship.Looking back, I must say that I (really) wish I had chosen to walk away in the beginning because of the elaborate lies that she seamlessly ‘crafted’ to deceive me. She told quite a few untruths about her schedule, giving ‘reasons’ why she was or wasn’t available at certain times, which did not agree with the schedule of a teacher and so on. At one point she even gave me the name of a school in the local area. In fact this is what finally ‘gave her away’ as my suspicion got the better of me and I searched for/looked up the school online. After looking at the pictures of personnel at the school on their website, and not seeing her included there, I called her out on the lie and after pressing the point, finally got to the truth. I was shocked at her insistent lying and persistence in deceiving me, it was a detailed and elaborate weaving of blatant deception and I wondered at the ease in which she seemed to operate this deception, even persisting in carrying on with the deception for several days, (maybe 5-7 days). This (as far as I know) was her first ‘string of untruths.’ After a period of courtship we wanted to marry so I traveled to her country and we married. We both found work in another country, neither her country nor mine, and began teaching English in the same school in the other country. The 2nd instance of gross dishonesty that I became aware of came about 6 months later. We were teaching in the same school. At some point I discovered that she was chatting to her brother (back in her home country) and to a colleague at the school. This colleague, a man (the same race as her), I noticed that she was deleting her conversations between her and this other guy. I noticed also that she was deleting conversations between her and her brother back in her own country. I asked her about it and she said she wasn’t doing this, she wasn’t deleting anything, that there were no conversations. After some observations on my part and more lies on hers, I finally asked enough questions about what I knew to be the truth to where she finally admitted that she’d ‘lied to me many times,’ she was conversing with the male colleague and her (own) brother (back in her home country) and deleting the conversations. Again, she lied many times about this before she finally admitted to lying about these conversations, and deleting them. She was very upset when I got to the truth and vowed this was a turning point for her and she would not hide anything else or lie to me anymore about ‘things.’ Fast forward to a few weeks ago. I recently had an instance where I was on her computer and happened to look in her computer history. I noticed a few porn sites had been accessed in the last week or two. I asked her about it and she said ‘no, those are just popups from when she’d been watching her soap operas online.’ She became angry and hotly denied it, telling me that those sites really had just popped up when she was watching her soap-operas online. She got upset about this and stated emphatically that she was NOT watching porn. She was angry with me and locked herself in a bedroom in the house and would not talk to me for a while. When she finally came out of the room she’d locked herself in, I asked her to duplicate it and show me how you get porn popups while watching soaps. She accessed the sites with the soaps and after several sites accessed, several attempts made to show me that there were ‘popups,’ there were NO popups to porn sites on those sites she was accessing for her soaps! I could see that her excuse held no water but I dropped the matter.Next day I researched the question about porn sites in computer history and the general consensus seemed to be that only sites deliberately visited would show in computer history. A day or 2 later I noticed her computer history was completely cleared.A few days later I was on the laptop again and noticed that the history was there again, hard to understand but it was all back again and this time I looked at the computer history for 2 or 3 months back and there were porn sites going back for several months. I talked to her about this again. This time I told her I really think you’ve been watching porn and when I pressed the matter she admitted to watching porn but only 1 or 2, not all that was there, still saying it was (mostly) popups. Next day or so I researched the question of porn showing in computer history and generally the consensus was that porn sites won’t show in computer history unless the person has visited those sites. It seemed that a couple of people said that porn popups would show in history but by and large the majority of the people answering the question said that they would not -- porn sites in the history would show in the history only when the person intentionally visited those sites. I told her about the answers I’d found, and that I felt she was accessing those sites intentionally and that she had been viewing porn for months at the least. She grudgingly admitted to viewing porn, but according to her, it was only a couple, she said 2 or 3; though there were many porn sites in the computer history she insisted she’d only watch a couple, the rest were really popups. I was going through the history and shocked at all the porn sites, gambling sites, and sites that I had no idea what they were and I was frankly shocked and really disappointed not so much that my wife had looked at porn but that she’d lied about it several times, desperately covering it up. She grabbed the laptop away from me saying, ‘that’s enough’ and quickly deleted the history. So these are only 3 instances where I’ve been lied to for days before the truth finally comes out, but only after a process of what feels like pulling teeth. This is the way it’s been: if ever I caught her in what I strongly felt was a lie, I had to hem her in, absolutely corner her with the facts, the truth, undeniable. She must be shown undeniable evidence in front of her to admit to anything! After many denials I’d finally get a grudging admission from her but she’d still minimize the whole incident. This is so frustrating to me!! After these 3 occurrences I don’t think I can trust my wife anymore. I’ve caught my partner ‘boldfaced’ lying too many times now and I can’t trust anymore. Too many times she has insisted in her lies and just keeps telling more lies to cover the lies, even getting angry and trying her best to ‘flip it’ back onto me and blame me in some way for her actions. After all, I now consider I’ve married a liar, someone with no compuction about lying! These were some of the really bad instances of her deception and lying because she lied for days on end telling many lies to cover for herself and maintain the original lie. But I’ve also observed what could be considered insignificant matters where she’s also chosen to lie to me and others. Unfortunately, this appears to be an unhealthy pattern and I’ve finally had to admit, one that periodically keeps recurring. Naturally I am wondering what else she may have lied about, deceived me in, and hidden from my eyes? How far down goes the ‘rabbit hole’ and what further adventures are carefully or carelessly shrouded in a camouflage of decrepit? If I know about these lies, what DON’T I know about?There are other things which I won’t go into where her stories or things I observed in her did not ‘add up.’ Suffice to say, I have observed a history and pattern of lying which for me is unacceptable. I realize now there could well be more, and even more serious things which have been carefully hidden. It’s scary because I also realize that sometimes liars will and do cheat and cheaters surely will lie to cover their misdeeds, I am uncertain as to whether or not there is more, I have very strong suspicions and believe there is more. Each time I catch my partner in a lie I talk to her about it as tactfully and gently as possible and thus far have chosen to let it go each time because I take vows seriously, but I am (now) having some serious second thoughts about whether or not I would want to (or can) stay in a relationship which is less than reasonably honest. I am doubting her ability to be truthful and doubting whether or not it's worth any more of my time. It is fortunate that we don’t have any kids together. Recently I have discovered that due to a technicality which was not taken care of before our marriage, that the marriage is 'void ab initio,' not legal from the beginning. Knowing this, in some sense makes it somewhat easier to walk away but it is still a difficult situation after 3 years. Any thoughts or feedback about these things would be invaluable to me, other points of view are welcome. Thank-you
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female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (4 March 2018):
 You married a woman you don't trust from the get go. Someone who lied as smoothly about being a teacher when she was a maid, will lie about other things, that is almost a given.
And of course she gets MAD when you catch her in a lie. It's uncomfortable to be found out as a liar, is it not?
While I can see saying you do one thing for work, but actually do a whole other is a bigger issue. The porn, I don't know... Unless porn was/is something that you both have agreed NOT to use. If not... why is it any of your business if she looks at pron in between her soaps?
Her talking to other men and deleting the conversations is usually NOT a good sign. But having a husband that goes through your phone might be WHY she had deleted it. Maybe she actually FELT it was none of your business what she talked to her brother about. And I agree.
However, IF you are DONE with this "invalid" marriage, then BE honest with HER. Make sure you get ALL your ducks in a row first (as in separate your finances, cancel any cards SHE has with access to YOUR money, change all passwords, have all your vital documents and then tell her and move on.
It's not working, time to end it. but DO take some responsibility for this mess too. Don't BE with someone you don't trust, being enamored with her is NOT a good excuse to marry someone. Especially without trust.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2018): You married a total stranger what did you expect to happen? Next time forgo the computer and meet a real person not just a fantasy.She more than not has a whole nother family back home with a hubby and kids.This is how some idots make a living..they scam you.
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