New here? Register in under one minute   Already a member? Login226294 questions, 984054 answers  

  DearCupid.ORG relationship advice
  Got a relationship, dating, love or sex question? Ask for help!Search
 New Questions Answers . Most Discussed Viewed . Unanswered . Followups . Forums . Top agony aunts . About Us .  Articles  . Sitemap

My wife has stopped having sex with me and now shows no physical affection at all!

Tagged as: Marriage problems, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (11 August 2007) 18 Answers - (Newest, 18 September 2010)
A male United Kingdom age 51-59, *harles999 writes:

OK, where do I start...well, I appreciate anyone who takes the time to read and reply.

I have been married for more than 6 years. We have a fantastic son of nearly 4. Soon after he was born my wife lost interest in sex. Thats how it started. Since then she has progressively withdrawn any type of physical contact and now stands motionless and limp if I even try to hug her. In the past we talked about this and she asked me to be patient. I agreed of course - I absolutely adore her and cannot see myself with anyone else anyway. Nowadays this has even extended to emotional support. She has no time or patience for any problem I might wish to talk over with her even though I spend hours helping her in that way.

The problem is that now, I dont seem to be able to do it any more. I am becoming more and more desperate for physical and emotional closeness and am becoming obsessed with her - the way she looks, everything about her. I am depressed whenever she leaves the room, or goes to bed at night (separate room of course). She describes my current attitude as "creepy" and in a way I can understand her point of view, but on the other hand she seems to do this to shut down and avoid having any meaningful discussion about the situation.

I have no-one else to talk to for various reasons, so please dont suggest that.

Over the last year I have been constantly accused of having an affair (I have not) on the basis that I have the motive (i.e. this emotional "neglect" at home) and the opportunity (I travel a lot). Makes it sound like a crime and to me, frankly, it would be. She cannot understand it but I would rather die than be unfaithful to my wife.

I imagine that this sounds rather pathetic, but there it is. If anyone has an idea that can help me break this cycle then I would be very grateful. I have problems understanding why we cant even discuss it (my attempts to do so make her angry to the point of irrationally shouting abuse at me). If not then how can I cope with this as my life? I refuse to do anything that might cause us to separate as I cant live without my son.

View related questions: affair, depressed, limp

<-- Rate this Question

Reply to this Question


Share

Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question!

A male reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2010):

I am in the same boat man,All I can say is women are crazy.I havent had sex with my wife in 3 years.We been married for 4 years.

<-- Rate this answer

A reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2010):

It does not get better - believe me! I've been in one of these marriages for 15 years, we didn't have sex for 6-7 years now. I am a woman who wants sex, but my husband doesn't. He is always tired, has something else to do, and generally not available. When asked, he shuns me, never wants to do anything about it.

You should find yourself another woman. Your wife is abusive to you.

I will eventually brake the cycle. Just not sure when... we are creatures of habit.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A male reader, E-brake United States +, writes (23 August 2010):

I'm in a similar situation myself bro!! been married for a little over a year now, our son is one. She used to give me head all the time (ex. while driving/at the park/lunch breaks etc). We also had sex any and every where. Once we moved in together, sex only happened in bed and i only received head after shes had a few drinks. now i don't get head at all and don't remember the last time we had sex. A woman wants her man to be faithful, but that's hard to do if shes not holding up her end of the bargain in this exchange. An affair has crossed my mind numerous times...just cant bring myself to do it...your best bet is to do what i haven't been able to yet and try sum different women. (women say that they'd rather you just be honest ad tell them that you'd like to see other people than cheat....but i don't see why you should have to give up your home and family because she's not holding up her end!

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A male reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2010):

Sorry to hear about the issue. I have a similar one, I to confused on what to do. If anyone has any idea what to. Try please shares.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2010):

Well, your situation is very much similar to my situation. But from last few weeks, my wife is very understandable. She is smiling, hugging, kissing and sometimes she used to say bad words to me but its fine thats all showing love of my wife.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A male reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2010):

in reply to your post im having the same problem.

i have been with my wife now 4yrs we did not marry untill last year.

we get on so well.when i first met we was allways making love together.she never push me away or anything.

but now this is the 4th year and for the past year and 3months now she keeps saying shes to tired all the time.

i put my arms around her in bed to give her a cuddle she keeps turning over the min i do it.i go to kiss her when i go out some place she seems like she dont wanna give me one.

it feels to me shes used me to get everything she wanted and now she dont wanna know.for 2ppl to last you have to show love and that but shes not even showing me that anymore.

all she seems happy to do is sit all day moaning about anything.

ive come close to leaving her becuse she was being so nasty to me.

but still i put up with this.

imabe im doing to much for her i never know but i sure dont feel loved anymore.i tell her i love her everyday without fail tell her shes buatyfull and worth everything.but still she never says any of it back.

who knows i am a strong guy but mabe one day i will not take anymore.

i dont care bout the sex your not just with someone for that but being told your loved now and again would help.

she even stop me buying her flowers and that makes me feel good doing it.

so im kinda having probs only 3yrs into being together.i cant talk to her as soon as i do she shouts at me.

i will never find the anser but if i do i will send on this so others can try.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A male reader, Lord Christopher United States +, writes (15 February 2010):

Lord Christopher agony auntI need to know how to be a real man. Liked your response to Charles999 last year just read it today your right. I'm going through the same thing and I'm a big pussy about the whole thing you’re absolutely right about the hostage reference. I need to leave but I don't have the balls. My wife and I used to work together great we made lots of money together all tied up in real estate now so it hard to leave. Our properties make money but we're not rich living together only because of the money and 3 useless kids that she insisted we have. After the first one sex dwindled a bit after the second I just about had to beg for it. Now my life is just like the effeminate dude you gave advice to. I’m 6’1” 190 somewhat muscular in not bad shape. However my wife has gained 60 pound since we met, I gained 15 but you wouldn’t know while she is round and sex less. She won’t work out she’s tried every diet out there. Though I’ve never kicked her out of bed! This started when she nursed our kids I would sleep somewhere else because they kept me up I needed rest to get a good day at work. Now all I hear is how I didn’t help with the kids enough. I changed more ”F-king” dippers than any man I know. She’s making me really regretting having kids with her. I must admit lately I have been a little vindictive ex: I don’t want to work for no sex why should I go to work and come home to an uncaring sexless attitude if I touch her she rolls her eyes and says “What are you horny?” O I forgot to say she pulls away then says whatever to piss me off. This does nothing but piss me off to the highest level. I guess nobody told her that men are horny all the time. I forgot to mention She’s really smart actually scary smart and I don’t trust her anymore. I just need to leave before something happens that I regret.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A male reader, MackDaddt United States +, writes (30 May 2009):

Man...most of these answers are simply pathetic! They're pissing me off!

Buddy, where is your dignity? Are you a man or what?! Man-up!!! Your woman is right: You ARE being creepy as hell! There is hope. You can't be afraid of losing her. You don't seem to have her right now anyway, so really you have nothing to lose. I don't feel sorry for you. I think you actually like this treatment. You seem to relish in it. You won't do anything to change it, other than whine like a little girl! Wife or not; what you have is no longer called a marriage. Its called a hostage negotiation. And guess who the hostage is...?

Short of God Himself stepping through the heavens to give your so-called 'wife' a new heart, the only option I see at this moment is moving out. That's right: move the hell outta there! Grow some balls and take charge of this situation. Take charge of your own happiness. Develop a life outside of her. I'm not saying to divorce her yet. You can still spend time with your son. But you need to check her errant behavior. If after you've been seperated for a while, and showed some real manly BALLS, she still doesn't act right, I see no reason to continue in that hostage of a relationship.

She's lost interest in you because you are being a pure, bonafide WUSS! Why should she give you any nookie? Women are turned on by MEN, not clingy, needy girlie-acting boys. Your clinginess is unattractive to her. You're not being masculine; you're acting out of control. That's effeminate behavior. And feminine women are only attracted to masculine men. Men who are in control of their emotions. There's so much help I can give you, if you want. But this post can only be so long. Hit me up on gmail if you want some good, solid advice. Best wishes.

[email address blocked]

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2009):

Well i have been in a married for 6 years,and things were good.

Than we had a baby girl,she is now 3,and things were hard as fare as sex went. But its funny my first wife would get the kids to bed ,and we would have great sex every night.Now with the second wife, i have to pull teeth to have sex with her, she will say things like when you get a job,or when your son moves out,which is her step son.Then she says to me I am to tired, or i have my period,the best one is, she will say to me, I have think you have a girl friend on the side.I think she is cheating on me she is a working mom and works at the office,so if you put 1+1 together you get a cheating wife.lady harmones is bull, woman are no better than man, they are more slicker at it. Buddy if you want to really find out go to some security sites on the web like, (brick house security) and you can order a sperm test when she takes off her underware you can place this special cloth on her underware and if there is sperm there it will turn a color and then

she busted.I been in you shoes if feels very bad,its not like when you firt met,you now ask yourself what did i do wrong, you shut your eyes to it. You could make a lot of reasons why,theres only 2 answer to your question is she cheating or is she not,stop banging you head at the wall and find out. I did so,and so can you,dont ask her anymore it will just bring you down when she rejects you again.Just find out,good luck. from a man who knows what you are going through.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A male reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2008):

/i have the same relationship with my wife of 6+ years and it is depressing but I am sure that there will be a message down the road / when ?? but there will be a message Trust in God

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A male reader, legacy United States +, writes (25 August 2007):

Charles999 how are you getting on? Is it getting any better for you? It hurts to read how desperate you are for emotional and physical touch. Myself, I went the route of having an affair. It did destroy our marriage but I found what I was missing and more importantly I found out how messed up my relationship was. I had to relearn alot of behaviours and expectations but I can honestly say I am the better for the experience and perhaps there was no other way.

I hope to hear from you.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A male reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2007):

Welcome to the club! Women are different creatures ... that you should understand. First of all, they go through the different "emotional phases", try to understand these. I am in the exact same situation. I've tried everything: counselling, candles, babysitter, movies, (I am funny), ... anything romantic. The fact is, women do not think like men - they want what they want at that specific time in their life. Women always want to feel and look young - make this happen. Women always want to feel needed/wanted/important, but not 'molested' ... make this happen. Relationships have to be constantly worked at and not taken for granted.

No, I am not a women. I am simply someone who is going through the same situation and I want to turn it around. I have spent unlimited resources to 'win her back' and would do anything else - no, I am not a sucker, I just know what I want and am willing to fight for it. .... Treat a women like a princess and they will treat you like a prince ... but you have to make the first moves, not her.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A male reader, Charles999 United Kingdom +, writes (16 August 2007):

Charles999 is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thanks all of you. A varied selection of replies.

I am particularly interested in the remarks from legacy. It seems like you have been through a lot yourself, and you may well be 100% right, but this is my marriage, and I am not ready to give up yet.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A male reader, legacy United States +, writes (12 August 2007):

Charles 999, you need to look at what's going on from a more detached perspective. Your wife is definitely detaching and your clinging, "I would never do anything to endanger .... etc" is only making it worse. I don't know how to tell you any easier. The others are right that the cuddling with us guys tends to lead to sex and so she is withdrawing from your touch. My wife has told me this, so believe it and examine your wants and needs. Perhaps it is time for you to get a life of your own and make yourself, how shall I say it, more desirable. If she knows that no matter what she does you are there, do you really think she has any motivation to change? She can go on kicking you and all you do is ask her not to leave you and let's work it out. And maybe it is time to prepare for the "what if" of her leaving? This does not have to be the rest of your life and very likely will not be since she is in control of the situation. Nobody deserves this or should inflict it either. Do you think your son is unaffected by this? Remember kids learn by watching us not listening to us. Ask yourself how do you want your son to grow up? What kind of man do you want him to emulate and this is not meant as some dumb macho thing but rather he needs healthy role models not growing up in continual stress. I'm sorry but you have done about all you can to change her and now it's time to change you in a big way for your sake and for your son's sake. I know this because I have been in a very similar situation and it's not about it being easy it's about difficult decisions to get healed for you and your son.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2007):

aw she's lucky. A guy who would rather die than be unfaithful...that's cute.

Well since you are obsessed with her, you are probably not going to follow my advice to a tee. But I'll try. You need to give her space. Let go. And instead, focus your energy on doing exercise. And get really ripped. And start looking sexy. And do yard work with your shirt off. And start walking around the house with your shirt off. But don't pay attention to her. Start being sexy. Make her want you. And STOP being creepy.

If you weren't married though, the best way to get your mind off of one person is by being with another. But I wouldn't recommend that. So start fantasizing about somebody else, all the time. So that she can start sensing your distance. And it will make you more mysterious. And that combined with your ripped abs. She'll want you.

And try to be better in bed, too. Do something that will stick in her mind. So she'll be more willing next time.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2007):

wow where to start your wife may have had after pregnance depression and instead of pushing the baby away shes pushing you and my sis and brother inlaw are going thru the same thing. she is getting treated but still it takes time and slowly ahe will be like her again but i think you should try taking her to a doctor and have a talk with her after but also marrige councling would be very good for you and her but you know that love is important so just always be supportive and remember your both lucky and i just wonder did she always sleep in a differnt bedroom or is this after the baby?

well best of luck sweetie hope everything goes well

sincerly luva

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, hlskitten United Kingdom +, writes (11 August 2007):

hlskitten agony auntOh & i forgot to say, the reason she is probably withdrawing when it comes to cuddles is because she thinks that will lead to sex. Its a classic connection us females make!

C xxxxx

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, hlskitten United Kingdom +, writes (11 August 2007):

hlskitten agony auntHi

What a nightmare. Of course you dont want to cheat on your wife. Any decent person wouldnt & thats not a good option anyway.

I think you really need to get your wife to go see her doctor if she wont talk to you about it.

But you are going to have to stress to her that if she just brushes it under the carpet, its going to ruin this marriage. Because you cant go on like this indefinately. You have been patient so thats not an issue. You're only human & when humans love someone they want to be able to make love to them. Sometimes women do go off sex after they have had a baby, but this has been going on a long time hasnt it. Try your best to get her to go see the doc & he might refer her onto a counsellor, if its not hormone related. Thats what happened with me.

Good luck

C xxxxx

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

Add your answer to the question "My wife has stopped having sex with me and now shows no physical affection at all!"

Already have an account? Login first
Don't have an account? Register in under one minute and get your own agony aunt column - recommended!

All Content Copyright (C) DearCupid.ORG 2004-2008 - we actively monitor for copyright theft

0.078125!