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My wife has shut down on me emotionally and physically and then accuse me wrongly of having an affair!

Tagged as: Marriage problems, Sex<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (27 November 2010) 4 Answers - (Newest, 27 November 2010)
A male United States age 51-59, anonymous writes:

OK, where do I start...well, I appreciate anyone who takes the time to read and reply.

I have been married for more than 5 years. We have a fantastic dautor of nearly 3. Soon after she was born my wife lost interest in sex. Thats how it started. Since then she has progressively withdrawn any type of physical contact and now stands motionless and limp if I even try to hug her. In the past we talked about this and she asked me to be patient. I agreed of course - I absolutely adore her and cannot see myself with anyone else anyway. Nowadays this has even extended to emotional support. She has no time or patience for any problem I might wish to talk over with her even though I spend hours helping her in that way.

The problem is that now, I dont seem to be able to do it any more. I am becoming more and more desperate for physical and emotional closeness and am becoming obsessed with her - the way she looks, everything about her. I am depressed whenever she leaves the room, or goes to bed at night . She describes my current attitude as "creepy" and in a way I can understand her point of view, but on the other hand she seems to do this to shut down and avoid having any meaningful discussion about the situation.

I have no-one else to talk to for various reasons, so please dont suggest that.

Over the last year I have been constantly accused of having an affair (I have not) on the basis that I have the motive (i.e. this emotional "neglect" at home) and the opportunity (I travel a lot). Makes it sound like a crime and to me, frankly, it would be. She cannot understand it but I would rather die than be unfaithful to my wife.

I imagine that this sounds rather pathetic, but there it is. If anyone has an idea that can help me break this cycle then I would be very grateful. I have problems understanding why we cant even discuss it (my attempts to do so make her angry to the point of irrationally shouting abuse at me). If not then how can I cope with this as my life? I refuse to do anything that might cause us to separate as I can’t live without my little girl.

View related questions: affair, depressed, limp

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2010):

Get a counselor, as soon as possible, go with her, and don't take no for an answer.

Work at this, particularly if you love her.

I had a similar problem sexually with my wife sort of shutting it down. Later, my wife thought I was having an affair, her mother and a friend suggested that I "might be having and affair" when I was working, another friend suggested she leave me when she talked to them. Funny thing, nobody suggested she TALK to me.

My wife then started having an affair.

I wasn't....I was working, hard, long hours, trying to get bills paid.

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A female reader, Dorothy Dix Australia +, writes (27 November 2010):

Hi. (Cont'd - 2). I just thought of something else to tell you.

Whenever you talk to your wife, try to listen intently and look right into her eyes when you do. Speak with kindness, love and respect.

Remember you can say anything, it's not what you say, but how you say it - that counts.

When you decide the time is right to have a serious talk with her, you need to tell her -

"Because this relationship is so important to me ....."

And then begin with what I said in one of my recent answers.

You also need to say, that it has reached such a point that it is becoming almost intolerable for you, and you feel that if she is not willing to sit down with you to discuss it properly, well then you will have no other choice, but to file for divorce.

Tell her that this is not your wish, but say that you really believe you have no other alternative. Especially if she doesn't want to be reasonable about it.

Remember that if your relationship was good before the birth of your daughter, it can be that way again. It's going to just take a little effort on both of your parts, but it will be worth it.

Please let me know how you go. Good luck and best wishes.

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A female reader, Dorothy Dix Australia +, writes (27 November 2010):

Hello again. (Cont'd). She feels like she is giving to everyone else in the household (you and your daughter), but not giving to herself. Her needs are being left behind and placed last on her list.

She needs to have some time to herself at times.

For instance, when you get home from work at night, why don't you mind your daughter for about half an hour while your wife goes for a nice long relaxing walk. Walking is great exercise, and she can be alone with her thoughts, which might help put things into perspective for her. When she gets back from her walk, she will feel very relaxed and will also sleep better. She might also be in a better mood.

While you are at work during the day, she could put your daughter in a stroller, and go for a walk pushing the stroller. The fresh air and sunlight will do both her and your daughter a lot of good. Walking is an excellent way to remove stress. As a mother of a toddler, there must be a fair amount of stress, mainly due to a lack of balance in her life.

The general unhappiness and moodiness she constantly feels, is probably more due to a lack of balance in her life than anything you ever did or didn't do.

Maybe the best thing now, is to give her some space and don't always ask her what's the matter. Try not to obsess about it all.

Pick a good time to have this following conversation, when you are not tired and are both calm and relaxed.

Perhaps when you talk to her, you could word it -

- "What makes you so unhappy?"

- "What don't you like about your life right now?"

- "What do you wish you could change?"

- "What's the one thing you would like to be happening in your life right now - but isn't happening?"

At least by asking her questions like this, it's much better than simply saying - "What's wrong?"

By asking her questions like those above, you are narrowing it down and being more specific in your concern.

You could even say - "Being a parent isn't easy, is it? It takes a lot of time and dedication."

If you get some reasonable responses to these questions, well then depending on what she says, her answers are at least going to be a clue as to what is really going on in her mind.

She might feel as though she is bringing up the child completely on her own, especially when you go away with your work sometimes. Even when you are in town, she might feel that there isn't enough hands-on parenting by you.

Sometimes fathers go to do this or that, and the mother says - "It's ok I can do it." Because she might think you can't do it as good as her, in which case she has brought some of this upon herself, by saying that. The more a mother tries to do it all on her own, the more she shuts the father out - to the point, where he stops trying completely. You can see what I mean by this.

If this is the case, she does need to learn to trust that whatever you do to help, is perfectly fine. The more she trusts you to do stuff to help, the more free time it leaves her. She may not realize this.

If this is what has happened over the 3 years since your daughter's birth, well then it has probably become a pattern for her and she has no idea how to break the cycle.

So the lack of sexual feelings towards you, might have nothing to do with hormones, but everything to do with the resentment she feels because you can come and go as you please - to go to work. She probably even feels a bit jealous because of it.

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A female reader, Dorothy Dix Australia +, writes (27 November 2010):

Hi there. After having a baby, it's fairly normal to lose interest in sex for a while, with almost constant tiredness and so much to do with looking after a new baby.

She might even need to see her family doctor, to see if her hormones are at normal levels.

She might be suffering some kind of depression, because of coming to a realization of how dramatically different her life has become since the birth 3 years ago. It is a huge change, and it often leaves very little free time to yourself, because she would be chasing your little girl around all day long.

It's also possible, that she feels a sense of resentment towards you, because she has your daughter all day long, every day and can't really escape it. Whereas you, can go off to work every day, and be with adults and have conversations with other people and laugh and have a bit of fun. Even though you leave the house to work and help pay the mortgage and other bills and put food on the table, you still have that freedom. She does not.

I'm sure she feels this resentment every single day, even if she never says a word. She knows that she is the mother, and with that role comes a lot of responsibility, so consequently she would feel guilty to even bring the up subject. So she doesn't - she holds it inside instead. But it comes out in her moods, and restlessness. If you asked her, she would probably deny, deny, deny.

It's a case of she is doing all the giving

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