A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My wife has no sex drive. This is ruining everything.We have been together for 12 years and we have 3 children, separation is NO option.I have searched not only this website but the entire net high and low and have found nothing, no real answers to this problem. Plenty of people who are in a similar situation as myself, plenty of advice to be found, but no real solutions and not once have I come across something or someone who actually solved the problem of their partner not having a sex drive.Anybody, out there, anywhere, at all, ever seen this problem solved???To be honest, I think I am doomed.
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female
reader, hot4shoes  +, writes (10 September 2011):
 I believe that she has to look deep inside and find out why she doesn't feel sexy. If you don't feel sexy you don't want to have sex. Kids will do that, but you have to take action to resolve the problem. Years ago my drive wasn't where I wanted so I got fit. My husband bought me a beautiful new set of boobs, sexy clothes and began taking me out to "show me off". Boy did that make me feel sexy! He benefited in many ways and I enjoyed all the attention. I'm a new person and he gets all he wants...and MORE!
A
female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (26 August 2011):
 Dear OP,Communication is part of any good relationship.You are married to your friend, but you are not married to a really GOOD friend who will give you open and honest dialogue. A friend will hear you out and consider your viewpoint. This friend is not doing that.You now exist in a marriage of convenience. You are heading towards a very painful place where your wife expects you to suffer in silence. Becoming single or staying in a single marriage? Both have advantages and disadvantages. Walking away from a failed marriage does not make you a failure.You are NOT doomed if you honestly look at all your options.In the end, you may end up choosing a sexless marriage. But, better to consider all possibilities than turn inwards and feel trapped.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMany thanks to all, I appreciate your attention to this.
I know that my question was lacking information, I suppose that I wanted to skip some stuff and try to get to the point. I was desperately curious to see if such a problem ever was solved.
Because I did a lot of research on this quite some time ago, I have already made allot of effort in tackling this. Spending more individual time with her, do more around the house and with the kids (we were already at 50/50 on this), going out to dinner, not putting pressure on her, being more gallant, etc etc and much of the stuff which you guys have suggested.
Nothing has worked, ZERO effect. I am actually beyond the point of believing that this can be helped, nowhere on the internet have I found someone announcing that they have managed to overcome this problem. Plenty of complainers like me, but no happy endings to report.
One thing I should have mentioned in my OP was that my wife never really had a healthy sex drive. It’s gone from a very low one to almost nothing at all.
No head jobs
No hand jobs
No porn
No me giving her oral sex
No me giving her massages
No sex in other places away from home
No sex on holidays
No sex toys
No sex in positions other than missionary
No sexy little dress or skirt to spice things up
No talking about sex
Etc etc
Almost no sex in our life at all.
This is really tough for me and I have seen that I am not alone in this. I think that this problem is seriously underrated and misunderstood by others, one needs to be in the situation himself to really understand how destroying this is.
Here is a good example, my wife says she wants more foreplay, so I spend time doing this, with pleasure of course. BUT if I do it too long she gets bored and eventually gets irritated. She actually doesn’t get turned on by it at all but tells me that that is how I should start. Anyhow it’s quite clear that this foreplay stuff does more damage than good, so instead I try to get straight into it but this is also no good because she says it’s too fast!! Then what the fuck is a guy to do???
I have also discovered that any communication with her on the matter is also useless, it just makes her angry. She ends up turning the situation around and saying that what she does is never good enough for me, that I’m never satisfied and that I’m being selfish, end of discussion. So yeah, what’s left to say then, she’s had the last word and I have no arguments left to dispute what she’s said.
This might sound harsh but to be honest, I think I know what the best option is: dump her and go our own ways. Not so long ago Chigirl gave this advice (in different words of course) to someone with an almost identical problem. I think she is right, however in reality dumping my wife is not an option. I have three children and despite the fact she has basically upheld ZERO responsibility for any intimacy and foundation in our relationship, she has been a great friend for 12 years, and it would be very selfish of me to throw away that friendship.
I wish I wasn’t so doomed but I guess that’s reality. Thanks anyway guys…
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (26 August 2011):
 Has she seen a doctor? Menopause can do some "evil" stuff to a womans sex drive. Thyroid problems ditto. Having 3 kids and full life can also make anyone tired and just not in the mood. Years of unfulfilling sex can eventually turn a person totally off sex as well.
Ther can be many reasons as to why she isn't feeling it, only way for you to know is to ask her.
You two need to sit down and talk about it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2011): you both need to remember how to play and have fun...just the two of you...become girlfriend and boyfreind again.
If you find that she really does have no interest then i would be very open and honest and suggest that you have the sexual freedom you desire but staying within the marriage ...who knows it may flick the switch :)
spunky monkey
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A
female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (25 August 2011):
Sit down with her and talk to her about how you feel.
Tell her you miss having sex with HER. (Do not approach it with the attitude that you miss sex for you-its true..but you have to focus on the couple aspect)
Invite her to start exploring other options so you can have that part of your life again.
You call tell her that you feel like a huge piece of your marriage is missing-that level of intimacy, the desire to be touched and to touch. Giving and receiving.
Ask her what she needs so you can approach it together. Brainstorm on all your options. Is it psychological, emotional, physical? A combination?
Does she need seduction? Romance? A break from her other roles? (Work, motherhood, etc).
Consider how you approach her in other areas of your relationship. Do you show encouragement, appereciation, assistance with her other roles? Do you still do the little things you did in the beginning of your relationship?
How did she used to feel sexy and desirable? What used to light her up?
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A
female
reader, PerhapsNot +, writes (25 August 2011):
 To answer your question, yes, I have seen the problem solved. There was a special documentary on intimacy issues a few years ago. It examined 3 couples, one which had a sexless marriage. During the taped therapy sessions, it became clear that the woman harbored resentments towards her husband that accumulated over the many years of marriage. The therapist advised him not initiate sex at all and stay away from sex talk. Instead they were to spend quality time together talking to each other and building up their intimacy (non-sexual intimacy). They went on walks, went on fun dates, and he made a conscious decision to help her around the house more. Eventually after months of re-structuring their relationship, she did initiate sex of her own free will and their sex life was coming back to life.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2011): There could be a million reasons why your wife doesn't have the desire to make love.
It can be either psychological, or physical. Have you talked to your wife about it? You both may benefit from either seeing a psychologist/relationship counselor, a sex therapist, or a gynecologist.
Just because your not having sex as often as you'd like, doesn't mean it's 'ruining' anything. Sex isn't the be all end all to a happy marriage.
Most importantly, no one is your wife. No one can tell you what's she's thinking or feeling but her.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2011): Has she been to the doctor about this??? She may, and it's a possibility, but she may be heading into pre-menapause...but only a doctor can diagnose that of course.
She should have blood work done to find out if there is something going on hormonally...seriously, it's not normal to lose your sex drive under a normal circumstance life.... she may be overtired, run down, maybe she needs some special attention, and not anything that leads to sex right now, just some reasurance that she is still the most important person in your life,
etc. Make sure that you are MAKING TIME to do things together, just the two of you...have a date night once a week and stick to it, no excuses and no grocery shopping! If there is something going on physically, coupled with anything going on mentally (not feeling desired, loved, appreciated, etc.), nothing will change. Good luck and get your wife to the doctor for a complete physical to her OBGYN or Primary Physician, but she needs to be honest with how she is feeling or its a waste of time. Good luck :-)
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (25 August 2011):
 There is an article here by Kyle and he talks about what herbs you can take to reduce sex drive. Your wife can also take something aphrodisiac.
Is there underlying issues, resentment in the relationship?
Does she think you desire her physically?
Having no sex drive does not mean you can't touch each other in an intimate way. I can't see why she can't give you a handjob at least.
It could also mean she wants some time alone. She has to serve her 3 children, and now you become the 4th person she has to please. It is healthy to have some solitary time. Everything has to be balanced. See if you can fit things in a schedule. You know what that means? It means taking away some of her burden. Hire babysitters if necessary. Let's see if she gets more down time and hopefully she replenishes enough energy to do sexual things.
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