A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:hi i need help on how to help my wife who is grieving over the loss of a very close family member. I know i shouldn't but i feel abit uncomfortable being around her at times when shes upset because i don't know what to do or say. I don't know how i can help her be strong. What sort of things can i say to her and when shes upset how do i approach her? I know this sounds stupid but i just freeze up inside because i dont know what to do or say. I hate seeing her like this please help! Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Ask Heather +, writes (19 February 2007):
 It`s totally understandable to feel as you do, to want so very much to help the one you love, and not know where to start, what to say. As the other answers have said, yes, just being there will be of some comfort, and any little small things you can do will help too. The death of a loved one affects us all in different ways; some people withdraw into themselves, yet for others it helps to talk about it. Gently let your wife know that you`re there for her; if she wants to talk you will listen for as long as she wants, and if she needs quiet time for herself that`s ok too. Apart from the devestation and sadness that come from the death of a loved one, there are often lots of other emotions to be dealt with too. Regret, at what we have/haven`t done or said, Guilt, could I have done more?, and sometimes Anger that that person is now gone. With the Love & Concern you have for your wife, I feel confident that you will find the best ways to help her, and please believe me, there IS light at the end of the tunnel, it just takes time, sometimes lots of time. On a practical note, it can be helpful in the mourning process to do something small but meaningful to help the mind adjust to the fact that things will never be quite the same again. Scattering the deceased person`s ashes in an appropriate place is obviously one, but there are other things too, which may help. For example, writing a little personal note to the departed; and letting it drift slowly down stream in a local river is a serene way of "letting go" (only when your wife is ready to "let go"), or a note "I love you dad/mum/brother, Rest in Peace", attached to a balloon; release it and watch it slowly fly toward Heaven. Also, things like these have the added bonus of getting out of the house & into the fresh air, which can be beneficial. My Thoughts and Prayers are with you Both at this difficult time, With Love, Heather.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2007): My mum died from cancer last June and my partner said he would be there for me, all I wanted was hugs and lots of TLC. Instead the bastard cheated on me 2 months later, now I have double the grieving and have to get through it alone. Then men wonder why women don't trust them.
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A
female
reader, TasteofIndia  +, writes (19 February 2007):
 CD is right on. There's not much you really can say to help her right now. What you can do, however, is give her hugs and hold on real tight. When she wants to talk, just let her talk while you hold her and stroke her hair. You don't need to "fix" things, that's often the mistake a lot of men make. Things will fix themselves with proper time and mourning. You can make dinner for her, if you'd like to do something nice for her. Get her a gift certificate to get her nails done or something.
Don't ask for tons of attention for your little good deeds. Just do them for her, show her that you care and you want her to feel good. It's okay not exactly to know what to do with someone who's grieving. It's hard for them and it's totally hard for you too. Hold her, love her. Try not to get frustrated with her, and give her space if she asks for it.
Good luck and my condoloences.
xxIndia
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A
female
reader, cd206 +, writes (19 February 2007):
 There's nothing you can say that will make her feel better. All you can do is be there for her when she needs you. Give her a cuddle when she's upset and tell her she can talk to you if she wants. Sometimes the best thing you can do is just sit in silence though.
CD
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