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My wife has just gotten too darn fat to be attractive anymore

Tagged as: Health, Marriage problems<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (19 June 2007) 10 Answers - (Newest, 5 December 2010)
A male United Kingdom age 51-59, anonymous writes:

I'm in my late 40's and have been married for nearly 26 years, most of which have been happy however my Wife has become increasingly overweight and put simply I no longer fancy her physically. She makes no serious attempt to lose weight and get fit and the result is she's not only letting herself go but she's ageing quicker, in that her weight is effecting her health generally and particularly her back and she's becoming very fragile. I have encouraged her for some years to exercise but she clearly doesn't want to do it for herself and whilst I do 'love her' the idea of a physical relationship with her now does not interest me. I know this is 'my problem' and that I'll be accused of being selfish and superficial but as much as I respect her I can't overcome that I don't find her physically attractive anymore and I don't want a sexual relationship with her because of her appearance. With no sexual intimacy our marriage is reaching breaking point and we've spoken about separating which I feel might be best for both of us because I can't go on without a sexual realtionship and I know I'm not making her happy either. Any advice?

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A male reader, Rowlands Kenya +, writes (5 December 2010):

Rowlands agony auntI think men we are created differently because as for me am really attracted by plus size women .. Its opposite my former girlfriend slimed .. She lost 16 pounds and i felt to leave here she was 180 pounds .... For me i like feeling the curves when cuddling... I also like feeling that push cashioning when making love, the softness turn me on through out.

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A male reader, jameswills United Kingdom +, writes (14 June 2010):

i don't think you're in the wrong atall. i'm not married but when i started dating my g/f she was a size 12. Not bad at all. over the course of a year and 2 months she is Now a size 24. and i am not joking.

sex became a totally disgusting and soulwrenching thing. the constant *smack smack smack* of her fat when we were 'in the act' was foul enough but worse was hearing her gasping for air like someone having an asphma attack. actually, the fat was worse.

luckily for me, we didnt get married so i dumped her.

although she won't leave me alone now, she's obsessive or something. .

i'd advise you to give her an choice. either a) she should get out of the house, join a gym and go walking and stuff or b)dump her

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A female reader, Myrtis United States +, writes (30 July 2009):

Myrtis agony auntHere's something a lot of people don't understand: In order to become sexual (i.e., get an erection) a man must feel attraction to a woman. If fat is one of the things that turns him off, he can't, um, rise to the occasion. That's a fact, Mac. No point in flagellating this poor guy, he's just being honest. Give him points for that. Why does fat turn him off? Even if he loves her? He could get psychological counseling to find out. SHE could get counseling to find out why she's eating too much. All sorts of scenarios are possible. For instance, she's eating too much because his bad breath turns her off, and she doesn't want to have sex with him. Or he's turned off by fat because a fat lady on a bus sat on him when he was a toddler. In other words, this is a complex problem. Consult your local psy guy, folks. This will not only stimulate his segment of the economy, it might fix your sex life and make you fall madly in love all over again. And don't forget to floss often.

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A female reader, newmomblues United States +, writes (10 August 2008):

first of all I have to say Its a sad world.

I mean when I met my husband I wasint even attracted to him, but because I thought he was a good man I looked past what I didint like now I think he Is sexy. belive me there Is a man out there that will sleep with your wife and do her good! sorry to say that but Its the truth there Is a type for every one. maybe there Is more to It then her weight maybe she Is deppressed no body that gains that much weight Is happy. what makes you so perfect might I ask? you see to much t.v were there are these wives with nice bodies that always wanna have sex and cook clean take care of kids well WAKE UP! thats just t.v land. If you want a hot wife she will have her flaw somewere. what If she does loose the weight but now she will want to cheat on you left and right due to the lack of attention she got from you? god will allow things to happen to us to teach us a lesson.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2008):

I know where you're coming from. I've only been married 12 years, but in that time my wife has put on about 100 pounds. As soon as we were married she started to fill out. The first few years she would go on diets from time to time but they never lasted so the weight kept piling on. It's hard to imagine this bloated, obese woman used to look hot in a bikini not so many years ago.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (24 July 2007):

I am sorry that you are having these issues about your wifes weight. Me and my husband just got into an argument unrelated to my weight, but somehow in the midst of his anger, He told me I was a fat unattractive women, and i needed to lose some weight. Tell her in a kind way. If she really cares for you(and herself) she will make an effort.

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A male reader, Frank B Kermit Canada +, writes (19 June 2007):

Frank B Kermit agony auntA separation will not fix this. In fact, all it will do is make it easier for someone that does find her attractive enough to get into her pants.

Now then...you married for better or for worse...did that mean anything to you?

You can not control the fact you are not attracted to her, but there are things you can control, like modifying your schedule so that the two of you can plan to eat healthy together, and go exercise together. Make it a couples thing.

Lastly, does your wife have issues with sex? Maybe she put on the weight to push you away from wanting sex with her. If so, seeing a sexologist might be useful.

-Frank B Kermit

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A reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2007):

I'm assuming you've talked to her about the health risks of putting on this much weight. I agree with deejuliet perhaps if you offer to attend some exercise/dance or other activity-related classes she would be more willing. Also, because women have a more difficult time losing weight once we put it on, sometimes when the pounds pile up, we become overwhelmed, thinking it'll never come off again. When I turned 40, I was at my all-time worst weight for my body type and frame. Nothing I did seemed to work. I would get up at 5:30 AM and work out, then again at lunch, I'd eat a salad and work out. I tried cutting back on my portions without sacrificing everything and becoming one of those women who survives on celery and water. Nothing worked and I was so depressed because my dress sizes kept going up, and I looked horrible in everything I put on. Finally one night when I couldn't sleep, I logged onto the Nutri-system website and ordered about $300.00 worth of food from their program. When the food arrived in was in carboard boxes and didn't taste that great, but after I had spent the money, I was determined to at least try the product. I'm telling you the weight melted off and I think it to do with calorie-content,(I was only eating about 1000 calaories a day) and the way the food kept my blood sugars from freaking out. (I tend to be hypoclycemic so cutting calories on my own usually makes me shaky and hungry all day long). I lost 25 pounds in about 6 weeks without lifting a finger to exercise. And I've been able to keep it off because I like working out and being physcially active. I just needed a jumpstart to get things moving. Now I am not normally one of these people who blabs about a product like some kind of info-mercial, but I'm telling you it worked for me. I ate their food at each of my three meals, and included a few snacks during the day, which I had purchsed with the pack. It was hard to eat food from a carboard box that didn't taste that great, when my husband was eating regular food, but when I started seeing the results it became much tastier!! Maybe this would work for your wife and if she sees some results, she'll be more motivated to continue losing weight and go ahead and do some light weight lifting to keep the muscles from looking flabby. If she still won't budge on the issue, you'd probably be in your right mind to seek a marital divorce and get on with your life. Physical attraction is a huge part of any intimate relationship. I wish the best for both of you. I hope it works out.

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A female reader, deejuliet United States +, writes (19 June 2007):

deejuliet agony auntPutting on weight is normal as we age and generally I would say that if you love someone than size shouldnt matter. But in this case it does seem as if she has taken this to extremes and it is very unhealthy. Perhaps if you offered to do it together? Take dance lessons, go for bike rides. There are lots of things you can do together that will help her lose weight and strengthen your relationship at the same time.

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A female reader, YummyMummy United Kingdom +, writes (19 June 2007):

YummyMummy agony auntIf you are both really unhappy and cant see the situation being resolved than a searation might be a good idea. It may give her the kick she needs to start caring about her health a bit more and stuff.

xxxxxxx

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