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My wife has gone nuts. She claims she loves me etc but there is no affection much beyond a peck on the cheek and no sex.

Tagged as: Marriage problems, Sex<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (1 February 2010) 11 Answers - (Newest, 3 February 2010)
A male United Kingdom, *enuineGuy writes:

Help

My wife has gone nuts. She claims she loves me etc but there is no affection much beyond a peck on the cheek and no sex. She tells me that if I do not pester her for sex then it might happen more often but I realise now after 6 months that this is just a fob off to avoid having to deal with it.

Before you ask she isnt having an affair.

What can I do? Leaving isn't an option as we have kids.

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A female reader, Emilysanswers United Kingdom +, writes (3 February 2010):

I agree with Angzw.

If everything you have said is true then you need to take some action.

Tell her you are unhappy and it's come to the point where you are considering the marriage.

You have to make her realise that she risks losing her Stepford wife lifestyle unless she agrees to go to Relate with you and sort this out.

Tell her that if she won't agree to counselling then you may have to move out, sell the house and buy a smaller property for her and the kids and a nearby flat for you.

Good Luck!! xx

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A female reader, Angzw Zimbabwe +, writes (3 February 2010):

Now that you have explained a bit more, perhaps its time to create a crisis in the marriage. You could do this by moving out for 2 weeks not to divorce but just to shock both of you into remembering what's important. Continue your duties with the kids and even put them to bed every night during your separation. Perhaps not having the security of your daily presence will jolt her into wanting to do her bit in the marriage. Honestly, if you have tried to get counseling and she's not interested then its her who has the problem.

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A female reader, Angzw Zimbabwe +, writes (3 February 2010):

Now that you have explained a bit more, perhaps its time to create a crisis in the marriage. You could do this by moving out for 2 weeks not to divorce but just to shock both of you into remembering what's important. Continue your duties with the kids and even put them to bed every night during your separation. Perhaps not having the security of your daily presence will jolt her into wanting to do her bit in the marriage. Honestly, if you have tried to get counseling and she's not interested then its her who has the problem.

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A male reader, GenuineGuy United Kingdom +, writes (3 February 2010):

GenuineGuy is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Ok, I'll try to fill in a few bits of detail.

Guess I should have included this - sorry. Didn't want to make it an essay !

Were both 41, married 11 years, together nearly 20.

In a rut ? - definately but how to get out of it. If I ask to talk she makes excuses and then accuses me of expecting her to be able to drop everything and talk at any time, so I ask her for a date to have a chat and one never comes. She just drags it on.

I've already suggested counselling. She refused to go so I went to relate (U.k. marriage couselling organisation) on my own. I did find it helpful to realise that it was not unreasonable to have an expectation for some intimacy. Prior to this she was trying to convince me that all her friends had no sex either.

I have done weekends away. This wasnt massively successful as she felt that being alone in a hotel room without the kids was just putting pressure on her so she withdrew into herself even further. Weekends away with the kids were much better but I think just because she felt safe cos she could say no sex with them asleep in the room.

I have done dinners, romance etc. Many, many times. It is very hard to do this as I have to walk some kind of bizarre fine line between being distant enough for her not to think I have an expectation for the night but also friendly. Not easy believe me.

Stressed ? She probably does feel that way. However, I have tried my best to let her feel as comfortable as possible. I do a 50-60 hour week and really have to juggle things around to manage to do school run 1 day a week. She works about 25 hours a week and still claims she does far more than I do. Add to my hours that I do all the childcare in Tuesdays and also take them to grandparents every thursday evening. Also I take son to football sat and sun and usually take both to swimming. I'm trying to give you the picture that I am not the pub evening - golf at weekends kind of dad. By the way, I'd love to ditch the job and do something nice and stress free near home but then we couldn't afford to live there, having to move house would be her worst nightmare.

She has total control over the house and has made it like a palace. In fact it has gone so far that I feel like a lodger as I wouldnt be allowed to choose so much as a table lamp. Me and the kids constantly are chastised for altering the house from its usual magazine photoshoot state.

Not sure if she needs to realise how little sex were having. we havent had any since last summer. i.e 6 months.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2010):

What a dumb answer this anon male just gave. Husband has as much of a job making the wife feel great, as it is her job to make him feel great. So yes, if he's been neglecting her, then it is time to do some wooing. How do you think he'd be able to get a girlfriend? By just sitting on the couch? If he's willing to do efforts do get a girlfriend, why shouldn't he do efforts to get sex with his wife?

And as for the "treat her like she treats you" games, they are childish and lead to nowhere but making situations worse. Sounds like you don't know much about serious relationships, pardon me.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2010):

Treat her like she treats you. Or confront her and tell her what she is doing is wrong and if she doesn't put forth an effort and fix herself than move to another room and get a girl friend. If she is unwilling to do her share of the marriage then she isn't worth having since you will only get more bitter and resentfull. It is not your job to have to woo her like others have suggested. If she is unhappy with her sex life than she needs to tell you what you could do to make it better. But to just put out to make you happy is shamefull.

If you were to get a girl friend it would be interesting to see how long she starts posting on this site asking why my husband is cheating on me. Ha! Ha!

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A female reader, Angzw Zimbabwe +, writes (1 February 2010):

Try wooing her again; some ideas: fix stuff around the house, do the dishes, dont leave your clothes lying on the floor for her to pick up, start dinner and set the table instead of waiting for her to serve you like a slave, buy her something sexy. Book a dinner somewhere and dont tell her where you are going. Choose what she should wear and everything. Once you have her in the car, pop back in the house and lay out something sexy to wear for when you get back home. There are millions of ideas. Dont only pay attention to her when you want sex. Give her a full day of your undivided attention driving her to the flower shops she loves and taking an interest in her hobbies. Women are able to have sex forever. But if the man loses interest in trying to woo her and lavish attention then she will lose her sex drive too. So go back to your youth and do what it took back then.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2010):

Another element to be considered, that both HoneyGirl and EmilyAnswers brought up: the circumstances. Is her life very busy, and have the two of you had time to yourselves? For women, it is hard to not take the "work" with us home, if you know what I mean. If she is stressed out, or there's issues in her life, those issues will be on her mind non-stop. When she can not take a break from them, they will interfere and make her not want sex. What needs to be dealt with then is to sort out these issues, and help her sort them out. Also: how is your bedroom like? Is it clean? Has it been turned into an office? Is there a tv there? Things like that are distractions, and makes the bedroom the last place on earth a woman would want to be intimate in.

As an example, if the bedroom is a mess, untidy, not clean, or it's an office space with paperwork flying all over, this is what will happen. You ask her "want to have sex?" and she will be thinking "Sex, going to the bedroom, then theres that paperwork I need to finish, the floor hasn't been cleaned in ages, isnt there some dirty clothes under the bed I should wash, how long has it been since we changed the sheets?" None of that is sexy thoughts, and naturally she will not find the idea of sex stimulating.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2010):

How old is she? Could it be caused by menopause? Our sex drives change in life, at some point it can be hight, then go low again, and with some of us its always high or always low, so that varies a lot! Sounds like your wife's sex drive has turned non existent. This however isn't so easy to simply accept, to her it is very easy since she just doesn't crave sex anymore, but of course its not so easy for you! There's many many who struggle with the same problems as you: different sex drives in the relationship, and it is a cause for huge problems!

You have to explain this to your wife. She needs to understand that even though she is satisfied with no sex, it is not acceptable for you, and she is forcing you into having no sex. Unless both partners have low sex drives, this will cause the two of you to drift apart, loose intimacy, be like strangers to each other. In many cases, yes it does lead to a breakup or divorce. Does she realize how serious is can be to not have sex with her husband? Perhaps she didn't think it would be a huge problem, and perhaps she is thinking that everything is like normal and its only you who have gone sex obsessed?

What about the two of you write down how often you have sex, just to keep a track of it. Perhaps this will open her eyes to see how rarely you have sex, and understand that you are not asking too much. Also, even if she doesn't want it so badly, surely she enjoys cuddling, being intimate with you, getting pleased, seeing you happy and pleased too? Talk to her about these things, what she enjoys from sex, what she does not enjoy at this stage in her life. Her preferences have changed since she was younger, which is normal. She could be into other things now, things she didn't like years ago, and that these things haven't been brought up. Maybe she gets very tired from sex, that it takes up all her energy? In that case, discuss times at the day where it would be better? Maybe she doesn't like getting sweaty? Have morning sex so she can shower right afterwards?

Try not to accuse her of holding back, she might not be aware of how little you do have sex, or aware of the effects of it. She is simply pleased with a lot less, so for her this isnt a problem. However it is a problem for the relationship, and this she needs to respect. Try to meet somewhere in the middle.

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A female reader, Emilysanswers United Kingdom +, writes (1 February 2010):

Have you tried all the usual stuff, romance, massages, nights away?

When was the last time you took her out for dinner?

If you have tried it all, then you just have to sit her down, out side of the bedroom and ask her what's wrong. Be calm and really try and listen to what she says.

Good Luck!! xx

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A female reader, Honeygirl South Africa +, writes (1 February 2010):

Honeygirl agony auntHun, has she been for a check up to rule out anything medically that might be wrong with her?

You dont give your age group or tell us how long you have been married... if she is going through menopause, it does dampen the libido, or have you been married for a long time and have both gotten into a rut and forgotten how to love one another, how to be with one another?

Sometimes women get so caught up in the day to day running of their lives and that of their families, that there is just no energy to have sex with their partners...

What I do wonder about is the comment "If I do not pester her for sex then it might happen more often.." I think that you need to sit down with your wife and explain that sex is a very important part of marriage and that you need sex... suggest to her that you go to marriage counselling or to a sexologist for assessment....

There must be a reason why she is not interested in sex.

Honeygirl

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