A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My wife and I were in Venice sitting on a hotel balcony overlooking the Grand Canal. We were joined by 2 girls in their mid 20s and a boy about the same age. Conversation let to what our favorite city was. When my wife's turn came she stated her favorite city of all time is Las Vegas. That answer surprised me. We have been all over the US, Seattle, Colorado, California, Big Sur,caribbean, and now Italy. She had been to many European countries as well. In our 6 years together I had not gone to Vegas with her as she goes for conferences there, and once with a friend of hers. At some point during the evening I get up to use the restroom. As I am walking away into the darkness I hear my wife ask one of the girls for a drag of her cigarette. My wife is a professional at a major college and specializes in a particular medical condition that is adversely affected by smoking. So her comment made me stop in my tracks. The girl gives her the cigarette and asks says, 'Your husband doesn't know you smoke?'. My wifes answer is 'No, and he doesn't know what I do when I go to Vegas either'. I was in shock. Not only to hear this, but to hear it in the middle of a two week vacation in Italy. Venice is one of the most romantic cities in the world. Needless to say, for me, I didn't leave Venice in a romantic frame of mind.I am asking, in your opinion, with just the above information. If this happened to you with your spouse, what would you think he/she is hiding from you? I know what I think and I believe the majority of people will agree with me. I just want to make sure I am not way off base with my thought. I have already asked her, at first she said she did nothing in Vegas. Later she said she drank, later yet she said she smoked, later yet she said she gambled. I already knew these things though. She thinks I am overreacting and most people would not think she had sex while there. What would you think if this were you? Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2012): hmm I' don't know. Women don't tease strangers with their wild exploits in Vegas of "getting cosmetic work"- Why is everyone so quick to jump on the side of being in favor of "she did not hook up with anyone". What else would you really be doing that you could not tell your husband. really?
If she has to have a "get away" that does not involve in her husband is "misconception" being fed by society. You need to break through all that, and any of her "friends" that might be suggesting "you" are the problem to her happiness. If-as other people are suggesting, she just wants to get "wild dancing on table at night" then she should be able to do that with you. As we all know, that is somehow not as fun as when you have some "flirtation" thrown in there. If she is getting off on that, chances are it starts innocently and ends not so.
What is interesting is her NEED to tell young strangers, BEHIND YOUR BACK, as you walk away. that signals a lot of pathology of either something she is up to, or something on her mind now. Its almost an invite to the young guy there. It certainly is not pairing you and her as an inseparable unit, someone on your side. If she wants to be flirty, cool wife -with her husband, great more fun for you (and I say you are going to need to explore that). IF she wants to be flirty cool wife behind the back of drab husband- booo, not so cool.
And IF she wants to be cool and wild, you have to remind her why she chose to settle with you. so many of these conversations I see lead - she is unsatisified, feels unloved, wants to be desired or whatever- BS- YOU gave up a lot too to be in a single, monogamous relationship. YOU count too. After that comment, that's a real trust breaker in my book. You need to take a look at your situation- are you doing everything for her? to the point where you are not working out, excercising, dressing well. For christmas this year- give yourself some nice clothes- make her wonder who are you trying to look good for, why are you not making it home intime so you can work out etc. She is probably way to comfortable with you that she is wondering "what she is missing" Give yourself some leverage material to make her really confront her desire for you, or be reminded of it.
And explore the possiblity that she may want a little something something more. My wife and I (of 20 years by the way) have started going to concerts, we do have a guilty smoke like once a year while out drinking- its fun- maybe next time you should just light up in front of her (suprise her. Joke her about chatting up a young man (someone immature you feel comfortable with since she'd never leave for him in the long run)-its the feeling attractive that many people need- not actually consumating it. Sounds like a female midlife crisis to me (and marriage counselling is a strong consideration here, starting with hands down you just don't believe she is not up to something in vegas- that comment was way too telling).
A
female
reader, demeplev +, writes (29 October 2012):
 I disagree with the other women who have answered sorry, omitting information is LYING, LYING to me equals serious deception when you should be transparent especially in a marriage. My mind immediately went to ":shes cheating" but I agree dont assume and attack but definetly find out whats going on, why does she feel the need to hide these things from you her husband? good luck, peace and love
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2012): Trust your gut. She shows a different side of your personality to you. She is hiding stuff. She is not to be trusted. Is she cheating? Who knows. But don't trust her.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2012): I would never trust anyone who plays a less naughty role with me than they are capable of playing in other circumstances.
Lets hypothetically swap the sexes in the question. Would the wifes words and actions sound suspicious if they were coming from a man? I think the answer is hell yes.
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A
female
reader, Candid Cally +, writes (27 October 2012):
Whatever she does in Vegas, the thought alone was enough for her to request a drag off of a strange girl's cigarette. (Why a medical professional would put something that has been in a stranger's mouth up to their lips is beyond me...so many communicable illnesses!)
Anyway, my gut feeling is she is hiding something. I feel like it is something more than what she has told you; however, I wouldn't leap to the conclusion that she is being unfaithful. She could be receiving cosmetic beauty treatments that she doesn't want you to know about. She could be using drugs (beyond alcohol and nicotine). She could be spending a ridiculous amount of money on spa treatments or clothes. She could be unfaithful...but she could also just be chain smoking cigarettes while drinks and gambles and feels unfaithful to herself, and her research.
The truth is nicotine, is highly addictive. People who are addicted to heroin, cocaine, or amphetamines can quit those drugs with more success than a person addicted to nicotine can quit tobacco. She may not be smoking more than a couple of cigarettes a day, but quitting even a few can feel impossible. If she is a smoker, she is ashamed of it due to her intelligence, field of research, and likely an inability to quit.
I've smoked cigarettes for most of the last 10 years. I've had two seperate periods of one year, and many 1-2 week periods nicotine free. Usually, I make it to the 2nd day, feel like I'm becoming unhinged, lose my temper, and experience worsening emotions and mental anguish until I give up and just have one.
My fiance doesn't know I smoke. He quit years ago due to his asthma and if he knew I was smoking, he would start again. It is the only thing I've lied to him about. He's caught me with a pack in my possession more than once. It makes me feel sick and so very ashamed of myself when I can't tell him the truth about this. There is a very good possibility that your wife feels the same way.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (27 October 2012):
 Naaah. Relax :). She was showing off to the younger people. She was , basically , saying " See ? I am not your usual boring, unexciting, unglamorous 40something wife- I am still wild and transgressive and a daredevil :) ". It was a joke- a quip to sound " cool " and " edgy ".
I think it's sort a knee jerk reaction when you socialize with people who could be your kids, you want to sound " hip ". I am sure that your wife is perfectly content of her life and of her age, and would never want to go back in time, or to live a life of debauche . I bet that your wife could have reached the same level of trangression in Des Moines ,IA... Smoking a pack of cigarettes, imbibing a few drinks, maybe- gasp !- a pull from a joint shared with other 5 ot 6 girlfriends :)...
Yeah, I don't think that " sex with strangers " would come to mind to anybody hearing that comment... as a matter of fact, least of all to her husband that knows her well and , hopefully, trusts her...
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A
female
reader, Basschick  +, writes (27 October 2012):
 I think you're wife has many faucets to her personality and sometimes she likes to be "bad". Vegas represents this for her. She may not have cheated on you but she probably dresses more wild, and parties while she's there, maybe taking in some Burlesque shows and staying out till dawn. She is trapped by the conformity of her job and the expectations of who you think she is. Vegas is the one place where she can let her hair down, break a few rules, and no one knows who she is or will expect her to behave according to someone else's mold. If I were you, I'd start to embrace this side of your wife rather than try to control or stifle it. Have a smoke with her. Get shit-faced. Gamble, dance, stay out till dawn. Have noisy sex back in the expensive hotel room and who cares if someone can hear you. If you do not learn how to be free of restraints as her husband, Vegas will begin to possess more and more of her and eventually she will find a playmate there as well. I am speaking from experience. While it may be disheartening, it should be a bit of a wake up call. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (27 October 2012):
 I agree 100% with SVC's answer.
I honestly think she was "showing off" a little for younger crowd. She was trying to be "all that and a bag of chips"...
And I'm sorry that you read so much more into it, that you felt it ruined the vacation.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (26 October 2012):
 If she was cheating on you in Vegas, do you really think she'd be gushing about it right in front of you?
She probably just finds it easy to let loose and party a little. I don't think you should worry that she's cheating on you. If she'd said some super romantic city shed been to without you would you think she was dating other men?
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (26 October 2012):
 She probably gets sick of being the 'professional' where levity is not encouraged where she works.
She probably knows you adore her as a lady on a pedestall.
I think she just lets her hair down, gambles a little, allows herself to kick her heels off, relax and be a little more extroverted than you are used to.
But I don't think she means she was unfaithful.
I think Vegas is her idea of unwinding from all the things she is required to do in her normal day to day life at home and at work.
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A
male
reader, TrancedRhythmEar  +, writes (26 October 2012):
 Wow. Yea man Ive been to Vegas and doesnt matter what age... its temptation there. Talk to her dont assume anything and dont accuse. My gut says she cheated and if she lies about it she will prob do it again anyway and thats when u catch her. good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2012): Why does she not smoke in front of you she is an adult?
If she cant smoke and kept her habit hidden then what happens in Vegas could be her letting her hair down doing all the stuff you dont approve of or whatever else makes her feel carefree.
Gambling smoking drinking dancing on the tables
Doesnt mean she had sex.
Why not take her there tell her you want to see what your missing?
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (26 October 2012):
I agreed with the post below. I very much doubt, that if she had been seeing other men in Vegas, that she would had admitted that to a total stranger. I think it's most likely that she has a few wild nights on the town.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (26 October 2012):
 I don't think she's had sex.... not really.
Drinking
smoking
gambling
staying out to all hours of the night
eating badly
generally just having fun.....
why in the world would you just from hearing the statement think that she's having sex... what else does she do that makes you think this.
for MOST women sex with strangers is not desirable nor sought out.
Trust me if I was going to girls weekend or something in vegas... sleeping with a man would be the lowest thing on my agenda.
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