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My wife doesn't want to have a orgasm?

Tagged as: Marriage problems, Sex<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (23 November 2010) 3 Answers - (Newest, 26 November 2010)
A male Germany age 41-50, *trange writes:

I've been with my wife a total of 4 years, one of which married. We get along great in just about everything but there is something that worries and upsets me. After we got married my wife's attitude towards sex changed.

I knew since we started dating that sex wasn't important to her. I mean she has never initiated anything, she would avoid to talk about it and get angry at me if I do, she won't try new things and of course I'm the one who is doing all the work. However all this doesn't bother me that much.

For me sex is really important and I can honestly say that given our differences she has always accommodated me very well. Although she always rejects me if I suggest to have a second round or even if I ask two days in a row she never makes me wait for too long and we average once every 3 days.

My problem is that the little passion she had seems to have faded. In the beginning of our relationship she was having orgasms (not every time) from both oral and penetrative sex and I felt I was satisfying her but over the past year things have changed... Firstly she doesn't allow me to go down on her any more and secondly whenever we have sex after about a minute or two her hands find a way to my sensitive spot that she knows takes me over the edge. Needless to say that her last orgasm I remember was before we got married.

I've told her a couple of times not to put me over the top so fast because I want to see her have an orgasm and asked her why she doesn't like to have them any more. The first time her response was that having an orgasm is not important to her. She loves the fact that I'm so attracted to her that I can't control myself. The second time I brought it up, she said "Do you want to have an argument? We've been over this already. Stop focusing on sex so much"

Basically, I can't bring anything up, take any initiative or start anything outside the bedroom. I get shot down... Right now the scenario is this... She usually likes to watch TV at night. If I put my hand on her she would ask me "Are you horny?" to make sure I want it. I reply with "yes" of course and if she wants it as well which is 90% of time I get the an answer "ok" which is the green light that I can have sex with her. If she doesn't want it she would tell me "you are fine. you can wait".

In a way I feel trapped and very strange. It's not that I'm unsatisfied but I think my wife is who says she's not. She may have this indifferent attitude but I see that she's happy after it's done, but not in the same way as before. I can't say that she doesn't like it or she avoids it because she doesn't - the TV has never interfered whatever it's on and she always waits for me awake in bed to finish some work I do at home, so we'll sleep together. On top that talking about sex has become like a taboo.

Does all this sound normal or there is something else going on? Why did she change? Why she doesn't want to have an orgasm? Could she trully be happy the way things are right now?

View related questions: horny, orgasm, trapped

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A male reader, strange Germany +, writes (26 November 2010):

strange is verified as being by the original poster of the question

I guess there might be some truth in what everybody's saying. She hasn't been abused while growing up but I'm afraid that she might have faked the orgasms in the past. I always thought they were real because she would have them once every 4 or 5 times we had sex. So why bother to fake those times and not all the rest? The answer is if at those times she wanted me to get it over with as soon as possible.

I already know that she's not really interest in sex. Maybe she's unable to orgasm or maybe she has not had an orgasm with me. I'm very afraid of what the anonymous poster said is what might be going on (like if my wife posted it...). If she doesn't desire me any more and hates having sex with me what do I do...

I'm crazy about her and I'm already to too romantic for her taste to the point that she even jokes about it. I try to help around the house as much as I can and we don't have children to help her there too. Physically I'd say I'm average looking and I don't get the feeling she wants me close to her. So it's just the sex part she's not into.

We both try to meet each other half way. After going 3-4 without I really want it and she's available. I'll try to wait a few more days without to see if there is any difference

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A reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2010):

It could be that she just doesn't desire you anymore. I have a nice husband, but I can't stand the thought of having sex with him. I just want it over as soon as possible.

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A male reader, TimmD United States +, writes (23 November 2010):

TimmD agony auntIt's not the sex that bother's you, it's the change in her behavior and her evasiveness. Obviously there is something she isn't telling you. I don't mean that she's cheating or anything like that. She's just not being honest and open with you for some reason. The question is... did she have orgasms before you got married or did she just pretend to have them? If so, she may be to the point where she doesn't want to pretend. Not all women have orgasms so she may not have found enjoyment in sex at this point of her life yet.

The bigger dilemma is the lack of honesty. Unfortunately, we are not in a position to give you any answers on how to get your wife to talk. You know her better than anyone.

Just out of curiosity, has she had any issues growing up either being sexually abused or molested in any way?

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