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My wife caught me talking to other women on dating sites.

Tagged as: Marriage problems, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (6 August 2007) 10 Answers - (Newest, 15 August 2007)
A male United States age 36-40, *ames07 writes:

ok well here goes. i used to be on all these dating sites. then i got married. but i continued to go on them well. the other day my wife caught me, and seen that i had been talking to these women. so she then accused me of lieing, cheating, and meet women on the side. but i have never ever, meet or cheated or slept with any other woman. but she wont believe me at all. i sat at work after i got caught and wrote two pages of the things that i had done wrong and that i need to fix. like not lieing to my wife and regaining her trust for me. but she just wont listen. i told her i only talkede to them just because i was bored.. and that i wasnt bored with her. just for the fun of doing it. but i swear on the bible that i have never and will never touch another woman as long as i am married and she just wont believe me. so what do i do about this????????

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A female reader, debnjersey United States +, writes (15 August 2007):

Okay here goes... I am also one of those women taht have caught her hubby many times. For whatever reason I stay I cant say that I am happy anymore I can't really feel anything I am so numb now. I have once again found him signing up for a new yahoo screen name he swears he didnt follow thru with it but I know he has 2 other accts and I watch him on there all the time... He just cant stop no matter what. He says he loves me but he is always looking to meet other females.. I give up. It is ruining our marriage what is left I dont know what to say anymore. I used to see myself in his eyes but now I don't I dont feel close to him at all I know we are both not perfect but he just cant stop doing this !!

So as for this man that posted to begin with I feel for your wife I hope she can manage to find what makes her happy whether it be staying with you or NOT... becasue I can tell you I have been going through this fro years and I am at the end of the rope. I do love my hubby but do I trust him HELL NO!! and that doesnt make much of a marriage does it?!

Wish I knew where to turn too other than divorce courts...

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A male reader, james07 United States +, writes (7 August 2007):

james07 is verified as being by the original poster of the question

i thanks all of yall who responded to my cry for help. my wife and i got to talk last night and all yesterday, and we worked a few things out. i thank the lord for she let me sleep next to her last night. yesterday afternoon i also seeked out a marriage councelor, so i can find help. and i also am tuning to god for a religious stabillity. she tald me last night that she could see how sorry i was and that she is going to stay and work through this together. thanks again for your replys.

james

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A male reader, Wild Thaing Canada +, writes (7 August 2007):

Wild Thaing agony auntBuddy, time for you to man up and take responsibility for the consequences of your actions. Do not minimize the seriousness of your offence.

You deceived your spouse when you did not inform her that you continued to visit these dating sites - am I missing something here? You can't get caught doing something if you were open and honest about this activity in the first place!

In your wife's mind you are now untrustworthy. Now you will have to work hard every day to become worthy of her trust again. You can start by showing some empathy for your wife - don't insult her by minimizing the stupidity of your offence. She considers you to be a liar. You cannot make amends with your wife until you tell her that she is right, without equivocation.

You could be witnessing the beginning of the end of your marriage. Once your wife calms down and you admit your transgression, offer her your promise to go to marriage counselling. Your marriage is in more trouble than you realize, and you will need the guidance of a third party to set things right. Good luck and take care.

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A female reader, hlskitten United Kingdom +, writes (6 August 2007):

hlskitten agony auntHi

Im a very unforgiving person unfortunately so i wouldnt be able to ever forget that and would basically, turf you out.

Someone doing something like that behind my back would feel as bad to me as cheating anyway.

But i guess you can keep trying to reassure her and ask her what you can do to gain her trust again.

Its a shame though, if you really do love her, i cant think why you would be interested in chatting up other women.

And i feel sorry for the women on the dating sites! did they think you were single? they pay to join those sites and i doubt they need to be wasting their time on people that arent actually single.

Hope it turns out ok for you.

C xxxx

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2007):

Hi

Can i just say, im a 23 yr old woman from the UK. I found out 3 days ago my partner of 7 years had been chatting online, as single.And even 1 sex chat site (as far as im aware). The problems this has caused for me is immense. and i have left him.I have had to walk away. 7 years gone,just like that.

I feel for your wife. I hope shes ok. And i hope you guys are strong enough to rebuild your trust and work things out. I wasnt.

Take care

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A female reader, skye United Kingdom +, writes (6 August 2007):

skye agony auntI agree with the other replies here. I would be totally livid if I discovered my husband had done something like this.

We need to earn the trust of our partner and if it is broken we have a really huge problem.

Tell her again (and again and again if necessary) that you love and respect her alone. That you would never cheat on her and wont lie to her nor visit that site ever again.

Make sure she understands that you know you have lost her trust and that you will do anything to regain it. You have a lot of ground to recover. Ask her for forgiveness and some time for you to prove yourself to her again. It wont be easy, but then nothing worth fighting for ever is easy.

You could try to do something nice for her to let her see why she fell in love with you in the first place. Take her out for dinner at her favourite restraunt, go for a long drive in the country, or arrange a short break away to her favourite place. Anything so you get to talk with her without everyday distractions.

Next time you get bored think up a nice treat as a surprise for the wife you love and care for. Steer clear of dating sites!

Best wishes,

Skye

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A female reader, Beckto United States +, writes (6 August 2007):

Beckto agony auntHere's the reason I think most women in her shoes would be very pissed off:

It appears that you're not committing to your wife 100%. When you continue conversations after you're married with women, ESPECIALLY on dating sites, then it appears that you're leaving yourself options if your marriage doesn't work out or you decide to have an affair. Even though you haven't YET physically cheated on her, it looks like to your wife that you've got everything set up if you decide to meet one of these girls.

Aside from that, these women on dating sites are supposed to be single, so any woman you chat with is single and more importantly looking!

Figure out a different way to cure your "boredom" that doesn't involve stroking your ego with single women! One important rule of thumb to keep in mind for the rest of your marriage: Only do things that you would feel comfortable doing in front of your wife.

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A female reader, penta United States +, writes (6 August 2007):

penta agony auntI would be devastated if my husband was on dating sites. And though I believe you when you say you haven't cheated, I can see exactly how she feels. If you're bored you should be turning your energy to YOUR WIFE not these strangers.

That said, here is a great article on how to regain trust once you've lost it:

http://www.ehow.com/how_2040630_spouse-trust-again.html

It has a step-by-step list of things you have to do so that your wife can feel safe with you again. Good luck.

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A female reader, sillzsarah United Kingdom +, writes (6 August 2007):

sillzsarah agony aunti think flowergirl got it spot on lol

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A female reader, flower girl United Kingdom +, writes (6 August 2007):

flower girl agony auntI'm not surprised she's pi#@ed i would be too, put yourself in her shoes, how would you feel?

You are just going to have to give her some time and keep reasurring her, i just hope you have learnt your lesson what's wrong with talking to your wife and having a laugh with her?

Take care.xx.

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