A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My wife and I have been together for 19 years today, married for 16 of those. We have no children. We have had some ups and downs in the relationship and even separated once 11 years ago because my wife wanted to prove that she could support herself and be independent of me. I make several times more money than she does and she said she felt like an adolescent relying on me for so much. She lived apart from me for a year and she says she got that out of her system. Our sex life was good at first, but poor ever since we got married. All those jokes about how women stop having sex once they get a ring on their finger ring true to me. We finally went into counseling to try to address the reasons why she doesn't like to have sex with me. She hasn't told me details, but she admitted to me that she was sexually abused at some point in her past. I am not even sure if it was before or after she met me. I wish she would have said something about this years ago. I might have looked at her more sympathetically. Certainly we couldn't work on a problem that I didn't know existed. I have read that I should not blame her for keeping such a secret, however, and should be glad she finally told me.That's all well and good and we can work on that. However, she told me that she didn't think it was the sexual abuse that killed our sex life. She told me something else which was that she cheated on me a year into the relationship and it was with my friend. She said that it just happened once. I went off to a social event that she didn't much care for (war-related board game tournament which took place overnight - hey this was college) and she stayed home even though I invited her. She invited my friend (who had a long-term girlfriend) over for company. She was feeling lonely and upset that I would leave her alone overnight for some stupid board game tournament. She said she also wasn't 100% sure such a thing existed and that I wasn't seeing some other girl. Back in those times she was very insecure because her previous boyfriend before me had cheated on her, but I was always faithful to her. Anyway, he came over (she told me she should would invite him so I knew that much) and brought liquor with him. They sat and talked and drank and I know that neither of them can hold their liquor very well, so it is not surprising that they got drunk. I don't know exactly what happened next, but they ended up having sex. When I came home about 5am he had already left. I didn't think too much of it, although I did question her about the several half-empty bottles of hard liquor which he had left behind. She just said that they drank. I never suspected anything otherwise being that I trusted her and he was a good friend and (at one time) roommate who was involved seriously with a girl for 3 years at that time (and he was still with her at least 5 years after that time when I lost touch).She said that she felt dirty about the whole episode and she didn't want to say anything because - having been cheated on (she dumped the guy) - she knew how hurt I would be and that I would probably dump her, too. That it was with a friend made it worse, because she felt I would confront him and ruin his relationship as well. (She liked his girlfriend and they became closer friends than I was with my friend.) She claims that she felt so dirty and disgusted with herself that she decided she would try to abstain from sex completely to purify herself. She didn't abstain completely, of course, but she really withdrew and she sexually shut down. She stopped having orgasms and did it just for me before she started feeling used for doing that and the sex did eventually stop completely. She says that she kept it a secret because she was so afraid I would leave her if I found out. Truthfully, it is very hard for me to stay with her not so much because of the sex (anymore; I would have been furious then) but because she hid it for so long even though it was really affecting our sex life and our relationship. I have read questions similar to mine on these forums and I have always thought: "You love your partner, it happened so long ago, get over it and let it go. Start the healing process." However, that's much easier said than done. I feel so betrayed, so angry, and disgusted by her. I feel like running out and having sex with some strange woman just to get back at her. I know that wouldn't help, but that's how I feel. I am not sure what to do or how to feel. It was so long ago and yet it feels like yesterday to me. I am thinking of separating from her for a few months just to clear my head. We have all of these sexual abuse issues to work through (which will be difficult) and finding out she cheated on me makes me much less able to handle that, too.
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cheated on me, drunk, her past, insecure, money, orgasm, roommate, sex life Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2011): This would be a deal breaker for me (and most people) I suggest you get a lawyer and get the locks changed. You have put up with a lot of BS for far too long. Get out while the getting is good.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 August 2011): It is called "day of disclosure" when an affair is exposed.
That is also the day that the pain begins, the real work on a marriage can either begin, or end, and for about 2 years afterward it is damn hard work.
You really need to seek a professional couples counselor, one who is competent, who can deal with her past history of abuse, your relationship issues, and her self despite and self esteem issues.
I'd tell you my story, but I could have written yours, particularly the sexual part. My wife had an affair 10 years after we were married and we had kids, but the roots of that affair stretched back over 40 years into childhood with sex abuse, incest, neglect, alcoholic parents, cheating parents, chaotic household, and drug and alcohol abuse (hers and theirs, past and present), and the list goes on. The upstanding professional and loving mother had a past that nobody could have imagined except those who have been there.
She had to spill it all out, counseling was failing for a second time before she started to finally spill it all out, and today we are together. Regarding sex, yeah, the weak after she started talking she began having orgasms, for the first time ever with any partner (but having them with me) , today she has sex, wants sex, has orgasms, wants orgasms, and truly enjoys it and doesn't hide how she feels or lie about it.
Be prepared for 2 years of counseling, and don't go unless you want to stay together. You probably have a lot more to learn that you aren't going to like.
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A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (7 August 2011):
 While there are no magic answers for the pain that you are going through, as much as I know you don't want to hear it, time will be your best friend in helping your get over the initial hurt and pain that your wife has inflicted on you.
I'd like to know what motivated her to tell you today what happened 18 years ago? Was it out of spite? What was she thinking in revealing that? Was it to unburden her guilt? I think the reasons why you found out might reveal more to what is going on in your relationship than what you state in your post.
I agree with some of the other answers here. Take some time to cool off and gather your thoughts / emotions. I think you need to take a hard look at whether or not you are satisfied in your marriage and what are the pros and cons of staying in it. Since you have no children, it certainly uncomplicates the matter greater, but it doesn't make YOUR choice any easier.
I think it would be wise for you to seek a counselor -- on your own -- who can help you sort out your feelings and uncover more of what is going on with your relationship. I think it will help you get over a lot of the anger and hurt as well.
Finally, keep wargaming brother -- i was there too some twenty years ago.
Good luck.
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A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (6 August 2011):
 Did she have sex with anyone the year you were separated? Did you?
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A
female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (6 August 2011):
 You are in a state of anger and hurt and need to deal with those feelings.
You are at least being rational that running out to sleep with someone else will not fix the hurt.
My suggestion is to get back into couples counseling with this new info. Now that you know what killed your sexlife and that your marriage has had this ghost haunting your realtionship...see if you can exorcise the past and find something to build a future on.
You are ENTITLED to your anger! Your wife needs to realize that all these years, you have been patient and assuming her rejection of sex was based on something else.
Since you have no kids-I would suggest not moving out of your home, but moving out of your bedroom during the time of counseling. Take ALL talk of sexual intimacy off the table and first work back to just being friends.
Best Wishes.
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