A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My whole world revolves around a man and finding a man can someone help me see there is more to life than this- ever since I was 16 I have idealized that finding a man would somehow magically make all my problems go away. This thinking (childlike) lie has made me run into the arms of verbally abusice men and men that are not right for me. as a woman I have done everything possible to find a man - go out - get skinnier - get more education- focus on my looks more - online dating.to anything and everything At 32 I'm exhausted I find myself at a dead end - my therapist has told me that maybe it's not meant to happen maybe I should be happy with what I have and focus on getting better with my insecurities - This is EASIER said than done and I sometimes feel like I can't get out of this whole I dug myself in - I look at the clock 32- 33 and I panick- I sadly have managed to build myself a lot of friends that are exactly like this(misery loves company) is there a way out of this pathetic life- I'm ashamed of myself- I have all this education and youth and I feel like I blew it- I blew it on men that never cared for me and the money and everything I did to keep them- how can I come back out of this- I've taken therapy - I've stopped with the high makntance friends but I feel in isolation - the silence screams the truth and it's a place that's out of denial and it's scary- I'm 32 is there hope for me in term of love ? In terms of children or better a piece of mind- please advise
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (19 October 2016):
 There is always hope. But even if you don't get a man, if you want children you can adopt, be a foster mother, or if you've got the money you can do semen injection. It's been done before, if you feel up to the challenge of being a single mother.
But it could help to know you're not alone. There are many singletons in this boat with you! And there are many who are your age or older. There is no shame in this. The only shame, I think, would be if you married or got pregnant on purpose with one of these men who weren't a right match for you. Loads of women do this out of fear of being alone, and out of fear of society judging them. At least you have the guts and the integrity to stand on your own two feet, even though you would have preferred a husband. At least you didn't get married to mr. wrong.
Might I add though, as a woman you list up what you've done to get a man and keep a man. But it's all stupid stuff. What gets a man and keeps a man is the woman herself, not her education, size or make-up. What have you done for YOU? What makes you fascinating, intriguing, interesting, special, unique? You have those qualities, we all do, those things that make us uniquely us (or at least makes us slightly different from everyone else). Figure out why you are great, why this woman you are is great. Then let us see if you wont stumble across a guy who finds you equally great.
Find a man who worships you, not one you need to slave around for and buy off with money.
A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (19 October 2016):
There is always hope. But even if you don't get a man, if you want children you can adopt, be a foster mother, or if you've got the money you can do semen injection. It's been done before, if you feel up to the challenge of being a single mother.
But it could help to know you're not alone. There are many singletons in this boat with you! And there are many who are your age or older. There is no shame in this. The only shame, I think, would be if you married or got pregnant on purpose with one of these men who weren't a right match for you. Loads of women do this out of fear of being alone, and out of fear of society judging them. At least you have the guts and the integrity to stand on your own two feet, even though you would have preferred a husband. At least you didn't get married to mr. wrong.
Might I add though, as a woman you list up what you've done to get a man and keep a man. But it's all stupid stuff. What gets a man and keeps a man is the woman herself, not her education, size or make-up. What have you done for YOU? What makes you fascinating, intriguing, interesting, special, unique? You have those qualities, we all do, those things that make us uniquely us (or at least makes us slightly different from everyone else). Figure out why you are great, why this woman you are is great. Then let us see if you wont stumble across a guy who finds you equally great.
Find a man who worships you, not one you need to slave around for and buy off with money.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (19 October 2016):
 OP, I think your problem is that you're not listening to the advice we've been giving you several times. You're welcome to keep posting, but it won't help you, if you don't try our advice and persevere with it.
You need to focus on having a life outside of your old friends and finding a guy. Volunteer with animals or people and pick up a new hobby - do this for yourself, not for friends or a man.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2016): Happiness and contentment is your responsibility to pursue and accomplish for yourself. It's not the burden and responsibility of some man to come along and grant you a happy life. Your happiness should be something you've grabbed for yourself, and be willing to share with someone able to reciprocate what you have to offer.
People who pursue relationships as a safe-haven or shelter from their doom and gloom (or pessimism) towards life often miss the boat. People shy from you when they see you have a negative opinion of yourself, or show bitterness because you always feel like you get the short end of the stick. Debbie Downers do not make good girlfriends, friends, daughters, wives, or moms. You don't have to see the glass as half-full, just be appreciative and thankful for what you have.
Your life should have been focused on enjoying being a woman, being creative, giving back, and taking joy in the smallest of blessings. Always being on a manhunt is a sure sign of desperation; and nothing scares men more than a desperate woman (or gay man). You've tried too hard, and it's obvious to everyone around you. Your mother got a man, your grandmother got a man, you're no worse than either of them. You're in a different time; but people are still people, and men are still men.
No one can make your life happier than you can, as your therapist has already advised you. You can't read the future. Sometimes the people designed to be our best match are far-off into our future; because destiny has other things in store before we meet them. Your path will eventually lead you to the right guy, if you refocus your life on something else. Like just being happy to be alive, doing things because you like doing them; not because it may help you trap a man.
Love is evasive. You can't go out and just get it. It happens out of nowhere. So many young lonely people get frustrated and bitter, because it doesn't happen when they demand that it does. Or doesn't appear in the Hollywood portrayed-version of love that they see in the movies. They may have it, but are too dumb to recognize it; because they're too immature and have unrealistic expectations. So they sabotage it and piss it away; because of insecurities or stupidity. Usually a combination of the two. Let's throw pessimism in there for good-measure.
Well, welcome to life. You don't always get what you want, sometimes you get what you need first. Your life is always in preparation for something. You hone your tools of survival, find your purpose, and other things come as your reward and blessing for making a positive impact on the lives of others. You seek to do good in the world.
It may include family, friends, or total strangers. The quality of your life first starts with loving yourself for who you are, and that makes you attractive to people. Others gravitate to your positive magnetism; because you show how much you enjoy life. You demonstrate that you can appreciate your independence, and recognize your own power. It took a lifetime for me to learn, and I'm still a work in progress.
I lost a wonderful man some years ago, and another one came into my life when I decided I'd just be happy being me and helping others. I guess I could say he is my blessing, but I will survive with or without him.
Change your outlook, listen to your therapist. It does not come down to "easier said than done," as you've declared in defeat. You're frustrated because life hasn't met your demands on your terms; and according to your deadlines. "You set goals and work towards them; the reward comes with your commitment and patience. You can't always decide when it should happen, just be prepared when it does." That's what my dad used to tell us as we were growing-up.
Well, seek happiness and enlightenment, and your side-reward will be finding someone to share all you have and to reciprocate what you need. Change your defeatist attitude, it's getting in your way.
There is always hope for you finding love; whether you see things as hopeless or not. You have no idea what the future holds, and you can't decide now is all there is. Today is not a rerun of yesterday, and you couldn't predict it before it got here. You don't know what you'll do or how tomorrow will look or feel until it gets here. The same goes for the future and when you'll meet someone. Life is here now, girlfriend! Stop wasting it and enjoy it while it's still in supply. It can run-out anytime.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2016): I will give you my glass half full perspective. Have you been dating many guys or been stuck in relationships with men that didn't work out? Sometimes we reflect on what we want or missing in relationships that we sometimes overlook what you have had or passed up. Never fret over money as money doesn't keep or attract people. You could be focused on all the wrong things that have prevented you from loving the ones who had loved you. My best advise would take a hard look at yourself in the mirror. Is the person in the mirror who you really are?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2016): Ok you have pointed out your positive points but what about the negative points? e.g. do you blow your top easily? are you cruel with your words when angry? do you accept the other persons point of view or do you consider you are always right in any argument? Do you accept advice or do you refuse advice from others? are you controlling? are you easy going and forgiving and curtious? I am not saying you are not all these but these points are to ponder upon because life is a contineous process of give and take. finally 32 is not too late at all, in fact it is probably the best age for a successful marriage. good luck.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (18 October 2016):
 I think there is hope for you, but not till you let go of the desperation. Desperate women attract men there is no future with. Look at your own patterns. You were SO desperate that you entered and stayed in abusive relationship or relationships with me who were a bad match for you.
There is a British guy who does relationship advice called Matthew Hussey ( I stumbled over him on YouTube) he is VERY good at making it simple. I don't ALWAYS agree with him, as I find some of the advice a tad shallow - which does make sense as they are more blanket advice than individually catered advice. He does hold retreats, not sure how they are but overall I find his viewpoints interesting and maybe you will too.
YOUR therapist is right. UNTIL you are happy with YOUR life, do things you love, find your own center you will probably continue this cycle of self-imposed misery.
Being pretty, educated and having a career shouldn't be for MEN, it should be for you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2016): "I blew it on men that never cared for me and the money and everything I did to keep them"A man only will be kept if he wants to. Buying him nice things, being educated, and even being attractive does not keep a man by your side. I agree with therapist learning to be alone would be a great step. Instead of using the time alone to figure out how to get another man, maybe you should use the time to figure out how to overcome your attachment to high maintenance friends. Isolation does not have to be a place of denial. It can be a happy place. A place where you learn a new hobby or pick back up a old hobby that makes you happy. If you are a believer in spirituality. Pray for peace within. Maybe A great guy will come along, just have patience while finding him. And fun in your happy place until then.
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