A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I probably know the answer to this question, but if anyone has some thoughts, I'm in a long distance relationship with a much older man who is very accomplished and well-connected (flat broke, but always has younger women chasing him). We see each other a few days every other month. A few weeks after we first met, I attempted to add him on Facebook, but I immediately received an automated response stating that he had too many friends and couldn't accept any more requests. Over the next few months, I requested it 2-4 more times, knowing it would be rejected, but I didn't bring it up with him until about 8 months into our relationship. He was on Facebook in front of me when I was visiting, and he vented about all of the friend requests he was getting. He said "I have to find people to delete in order to add anyone else." I said, "well, you can ignore my request if that's the case." He acted surprised and said, "We're not friends? I thought we were." I told him not to worry if he would have to delete someone else. Still, this showed me that he was receiving my requests.But I really didn't care until a couple of months later when I found out he added these college kids who worked at a sandwich shop. I was not threatened. It was a couple who was working with a traveling company, and I doubt the female would have the slightest interest in him. But I just felt like, "He won't add his girlfriend but he will add the shop employees?" After that visit, he ignored me for about ten days, and then I started snooping Facebook. I do have jealousy and insecurity issues, but I did not start paying attention until he didn't contact me for a week after my birthday visit, and then ignored one of my texts for three days. Then I looked at his Facebook and he posted a video of a friend of a friend he had just met, celebrating their new friendship and raving about the food she made. She is very attractive, but was in a relationship. The part that bothered me the most was that he added her as a friend as soon as he met her, and he stated that "as a bachelor," he appreciated her homecooking. We had a fight, made up, but had another fight after he posted a video of another female friend. I'm confident he doesn't want this one, but I do think she wants him. After that fight, he posted a very thoughtful video of me that basically announced my existence in his life to the world. We've had a few fights. He always claimed, "I thought we were friends on Facebook" until I told him that was bull. Then he said he won't add me because I analyze social media too much. He said he has about 280 open slots now (which is true. . . I saw that at some point), but he wouldn't add me. . . I ended up not speaking to him, but then caving after a week. We made up, spent a weekend together at this luxurious industry event, and then returned to our separate homes. I try not to snoop, but I wanted to see photos from the event, and in doing so, I learned that he befriended about 12 people he just met. We've been together for a year and a half. I remember this one worker in particular chatting with me throughout the weekend. She was introduced to me as this industry star's date, but once I got home, she was friends with him on Facebook but I am still not. I don't think he's interested in her or vice versa. . . but it's embarrassing. He tells me I'm being petty, but I feel like if it were not a big deal, he would have added me like he did everyone else. He has added ex-girlfriends and still has them as friends. I hope he is not cheating, but if he is, they at least know he has a girlfriend because of the video he posted (unless he lies and says we've broken up). I don't think he is, but either way, I do think his definition of acceptable flirting is much different from my definition. I was upset this week both by how many people he added as friends (including caterers and dishwashers) but also because I saw that someone else tagged him in a group photo with a woman pressing her chest very close to his face in a very suggestive pose. I don't think she is interested in him long term, but I am not so positive she wouldn't want a one night stand. It might all be innocent, but maybe he doesn't want me to see more of that.Anyway, I'm thinking of ending the relationship over this. I tried not to say anything to him, but I slipped and sent a short text telling him that he and this other woman (Jill) looked adorable together. He responded, "Who's Jill?" and we haven't communicated since. It has been three days. I cannot tell if I am jealous and petty, or if I'm ignoring serious red flags. I think I would be happy with him, but I feel insulted that he will still not add me. I don't think he treats me as well as his exes, who are on his Facebook and whom he bragged about publicly when they were together. He insists that I take social media too seriously, but I feel insulted and disrespected. I don't want to give him an ultimatum, so I'm thinking of just ending the relationship. Sorry for the rant. I hate when other people do this. If you think I'm crazy or sane, please let me know.
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ex girlfriend, facebook, flirt, has a girlfriend, his ex, jealous, long distance, my ex, older man, one night stand, text Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (25 April 2018):
 I don't think TRUST (in men) is the real issue OP,
I think it's YOU NOT trusting your gut-feeling when something is off.
I think it's YOU thinking you CAN change another person (which doesn't REALLY happen).
And lastly, I think it's YOU not valuing yourself higher than you do. After all from what you write he sounds a bit like a loser, not a quality man.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2018): All of these answers are so helpful. I knew writing it that I sounded pathetic, but it's hard to think clearly and it helps hearing other perspectives. I do have a hard time with being jealous, but when I reflect, I didn't really start investigating until he gave me reason to. I need to keep reminding myself that if men give me reason to distrust them, I need to end it then and stop analyzing Facebook and stuff because the real problem is trust. You are all right that obsessing over social media is immature. He is also a narcissist who does play games to manipulate others. Thank you all for helping me realize that I cannot be with someone who brings me down to this level.
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A
female
reader, 02DuszJ  +, writes (24 April 2018):
 He doesn't sound like a serious guy. This isn't a relationship he's just messing with you like Honeypie said. He can't of *forgotton* to add you if he adds how many adam and eves everyday- and more to the point if he is THIS INVESTED in facebook! I mean come on, facebook is up there with instagram and what other things only MILLENIALS invest half their day. Any man over 30 that spends half their days on facebook is a loser and you gotta wonder why a much older man doesn't have a wife/kids to occupy him. In place he sits there posting pictures of himself of his best self like some teenage exhibitionist!
Spending half your life sitting on facebook messaging your friends and posting pictures of yourself is what teenagers do NOT mature men.
He's old enough to live in the real world as opposed to the virtual world. SO ARE YOU. And he's broke?? Maybe he should get out into the real world and do something to fix that.
He really doesn't sound like a grown man.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2018): What the actual heck? He can add over 1400 people, but cannot add you?! He can add shop employees who mean nothing to him but cannot add you?
No. He is hiding something (like a wife or other girlfriends), or wants to keep his options open so doesn't want you posting relationship stuff.
RUN as FAST as you can. THis is THE most ridiculous thing I have EVER heard.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2018): A much older, flat out broke man who's infamy is Facebook hmmmm. You see him a few times every other month but he won't have you on social media but has all of sundry on it. You clearly don't trust him or his motives so go with your instincts. But ask yourself can you see this relationship progressing taking aside his strange Facebook 'fame '?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2018): Cut him loose. I see several things wrong with this relationship. Both of you are preoccupied with, and acting immature about facebook. He seems petty and full of himself. I think he's a player. You don't see each other often enough for him to be a real boyfriend. He's making you miserable.
This can't be what you really want. I'm pretty sure you can do better.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2018): Your boyfriends uber popularity on facebook is getting you down and expresses the inequality in your relationship.He has an entire entourage and you have a less flamboyant account.He fancies himself as successful and sexy and you feel like a sidekick but he has listened to your concerns and done a special posting for you.He doesnt want to keep you on facebook as everyone he has ever met can access you as a facebook friend.Everyone!But you are part of his private life.Perhaps you want marriage but it does seem odd that you would end it just after he has announced you.No one will understand your motives and you will just seem to be a bit of a bitch.Your feelings about Jill are OTT.Its a photo and judging by what you say its not uncommon.I think you should hang on a bit and see what transpires.And stress less about facebook and consider more of a life of your own with genuine friends where possible.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (23 April 2018):
 Do you realise how immature this sounds? You're a 30 year old woman, you should know by now how superficial the world of Facebook is! You're boyfriend is even worse... What is an older man doing on Facebook adding caterers and dishwashers (no offence to either) and every single person that he remotely knows? There's a reason why he's broke you know. He obviously had no time to work because he's on Facebook all the livelong day!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2018): Thank you for responding. This is very helpful
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (23 April 2018):
While for the most part I roll my eyes when people bring up Facebook as an "issue" in a relationship, because... it JUST Facebook. I agree that you DO take social media too serious. However, I think he is playing these games on purpose.
He KNOWS he didn't add you. Because you brought it up SEVERAL times - even "claiming" that OH he shouldn't delete anyone for you... Don't bullshit a bulshitter... He has your number. And he WILL not add you. Simply because YOU want him to add you. This is a man who likes to play mindfuck games.
HE knows you can see who he has recently added THAT ARE NOT YOU! And he enjoys having the upper hand here. It's PLANNED. He is doing this on purpose. Now you may think, OH he would never do that... right. Well, open your eyes and look a little harder.
You have a "bf" who pretends to be single, a bachelor, who didn't post ANYTHING about you (again on purpose) until he felt you were slipping away.
And now that you have made a mug out of yourself - yeah, I think you have when you first say.. OH don't delete anyone on my account and then pitches fits that he adds this or that unimportant person. Because you are playing RIGHT into his hand. And he HAS the upper hand in this game.
Now you are getting the silent treatment from him. That is your "punishment" for pointing out that you find it odd he can't be bothered to add you.
If I were you, I'd just cut him lose, block him and presume that the "silence" from his ends means it's over and time for you to move on.
OR... you can keep seeing this guy and play all his little games and LOSE (and yeah, you will lose because he has perfected his little games).
Do you really NEED this kind of drama in your life? OVER social media no less?
I think you are "crazy" for chasing this guy. He doesn't sound like some great prize at all.
And I think you are "crazy" if you think what's posted on Facebook is a reflection of reality. Because it's not.
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