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My volunteer group organizer keeps flirting with me, but I'm not interested. How do I turn him down nicely but stay part of the group?

Tagged as: Age differences, Big Questions, Breaking up, Flirting, Friends<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (3 September 2016) 4 Answers - (Newest, 12 September 2016)
A female United Kingdom age 30-35, anonymous writes:

I am in a very awkward situation at the moment.

I am part of a voluntary organisation that I enjoy very much, being a part of, however, I feel that one of the organizers of the group has taken a particular interest in me, he is the main organizer and runs/makes most of the decisions for the group. I recently came out of a relationship, which this man knows, as it affected some of the activities I was doing in the group.

Basically he knew how unhappy I was in my relationship, and in a weak moment of my part I told him that my then boyfriend was not sexually interested in me and I was quite upset.A few of us went out for some casual drinks, and we were talking, and I told him.

Nothing happened between us, and I don't want anything to happen but he keeps texting me, asking me to go out for drinks, to the movies etc. and it's very awkward, as our group have weekly meetings.

I know he is lonely, as he is divorced and I can totally empathise with the loneliness, but I have a feeling that he's really trying to get me to his house.

He has made the odd sexual joke.

But how do I handle this? I don't want to offend him or hurt him, but I don't want to go there. I enjoy his company, but I don't want it to go any further, but I feel that he's trying to.

He invited me out last week for a drink and I declined, as I am not long broken up with my boyfriend and it is a small town and I want to respect my boyfriend. So he suggested a different town, but I declined again.

He has also taken me for quick spins, and when we stop he will seek opportunites to touch me, like when we were on a spin one day, I told him that I did not want to be seen with another man so soon after a break up, in an area that a friend of my ex works, so he jokingly ducked my head and then pulled my head over an down and make a joke, insinuating oral sex, to which I pulled away.

I made it clear to him that I'm not totally comfortable, but he seems to keep trying. My instincts are telling me that he is trying it on, he has told me a lot of personal stuff about himself, as have I to him or could it just be that he is plainly lonely?

I have not yet told him explicitly that I am not interested, but I have cordially declined many invitations.

There was also a very large age gap between my boyfriend and I, him being more than 20 years my senior and there is also a smaller, but similar age gap, this guy being 14-15 years my senior also.

How do I do this and continue to remain friendly and polite and happy in the group?

I really feel trapped and panicked with this situation. I am not the most authoritative person and I find it very difficult to say no, I am trying to sort it out.

Thanks for reading

View related questions: a break, divorce, flirt, my ex, oral sex, text, trapped

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A female reader, Keeley345 United Kingdom +, writes (12 September 2016):

He can't seem to take a hint. This happens sometimes. You'll either have to be firm with him and tell him no or you could spare his feelings and make up a boyfriend or say you're considering getting back with your ex. Tell white lies. Anyone would have taken the hint by now but as he hasn't, you have to hatch up something to put him off or tell him straight, you're not interested. Or take time off from your volunteer group. The distance may help.

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A female reader, Anonymous 123 Italy +, writes (4 September 2016):

Anonymous 123 agony auntOP you have to be firm with this man. He doesn't seem to realize his boundaries and once he learnt about the failure of your past relationship, he seems to be thinking that he can "give" you whatever your boyfriend didn't.

Just tell him firmly, "Will, I'm sorry but I'm really not interested and your behavior towards me is making me feel very awkward. I love being part of this group but if your behavior continues then I don't think i can".

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A reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2016):

That's truly difficult. For I myself experienced that too. I have a closed friend and he's flirting with and I only like him as a friend. So, I tried to distanced myself to let him know that I'm not interested to him. He keeps on trying but I did threaten him that if he would still continue that I'm so gonna over our friendship.

But for you, since you really value your friendship, maybe you should talk to him nicely that you're only interested to him as a friend. And if he's a real friend, he would understand that. :-)

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2016):

I would say that he has taken your comment about the lack of sex with your previous boyfriend, as you telling him, or insinuating that you are sexually frustrated. Sadly, a lot of men would not see that comment in any other light. He must have thought all his Christmases had come at once!

I can imagine how difficult this is and I can only think of three ways that may work and keep things cordial between you. One way would be to ignore his texts and pretend you didn't receive them, or reply to them with general chit chat, but don't acknowledge the invite. When in person, do the same thing by changing the subject, until he gets the message.

The other way would be to drop into your conversation that you have met someone, or are seeing an old flame again, or something of that nature. You could pretend that you're excited by the prospect, so he hopefully gets the message that you are not interested in HIM.

The third way would be to be honest and say that you are really not ready to go out and about and would rather have your own company. I think though, that with this option, he will just keep on trying.

He sounds as if he's become pretty determined after you confided in him about the lack of sex in your previous relationship and I would recommend not accepting any other invitation at all as he will interpret this totally differently to how you intend. His action of putting your head down to near his crotch is creepy and a little worrying.

I know you don't want to hurt his feelings, but I think you'd be surprised at how blunt you sometimes have to be, when a guy thinks he's on a promise.

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