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My Virgin Bride was not a Virgin. How do I cope?

Tagged as: Marriage problems, Sex, Virginity<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (17 July 2008) 21 Answers - (Newest, 26 November 2010)
A male United Kingdom age , anonymous writes:

Hi, like many other guys I have a problem with my wifes past.

I met her 25 years ago, she was 17 and I was 19.

we hit it off right from the start and fell in love. we now have 2 kids aged 10 and 12.

Every thing was fine until I asked her if she ever thought what it would be like with another guy as she told me right from day 1 she was a virgin when we met. I have had 2 partners before her and told her everything.She blew my head off when she said that she only told me she was a virgin to get some time because she didn't want me to get what I could then leave, after that she couldn't tell me the truth as I might walk away because she lied, the web was made and she couldn't get away from it.

now after asking for some details it turns out she had sex with a guy who sweet talked her when she had been drinking and they had sex 4 or 5 times during a casual relationship. the second guy she had sex 2 times whilst on holiday, again alcohol was involved.

my problem is that I now feel I have lost my virgin bride (apart from me) and I don't recognise her as I have had 25 years of someone who has never seemed this way before, its like she has cheated on me .

I am obsessed and dont know what to do.I imagine her doing it with those guys and it kills me. I love her with all my heart but feel like this is pushing me under. she comes from divorced parents and stayed with her mum. please help.

View related questions: cheated on me, divorce, fell in love, on holiday

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A female reader, sam_101 United States +, writes (26 November 2010):

Wow, for 25 year your marriage was all lies And she haven't even told you. If she could fool you for that long she is probably still fooling you. I am sorry, but from my experience they never lead to much good.

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A male reader, daletom United States +, writes (7 August 2008):

Is this thread dead?

I can't message the "anonymous" originator (that's quite OK! I'd probably behave the same way!) but it would be good to hear a progress report, whether encouraging or not. I learn more from the more complicated questions, like this.

I truly hope things are working out for him.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2008):

Welcome to hell.

You can't get out, you can't get back, you didn't originally put yourself there willingly, and you feel guilty that you're not comfortable there.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2008):

The crazy things we do for love... I know virgin girls who pretended to have more experience than they did because they didn't have any luck when they were honest.

Are you sad because your sweet memories of the past have to be revised? Are you scared because she was such a good actress?

Not everything you remember is a lie. If you fondly remember teaching her how to love and enjoy sex, you probably did do so. She probably didn't get much out of the selfish, drunken fumbling that she experienced before you.

To help you put another perspective on the whole thing, perhaps you should think about how young and foolish kids are at 17. She was in love with you and determined to not let you go whatever it took. Maybe she and you had been raised to think of girls who had sex as being without value. She desperately wanted to be a virgin for you, and to have the respect and admiration that "good girls" have. Then once she had lied, she was afraid of being found out because then she would lose you... poor foolish thing! She really screwed up what should have been a wonderful time in her life.

It seems that people are sympathetic with your feeling of betrayal at having been lied to, but have issue with your attitude of putting virgins on pedestals. Why, honestly, do you think virgin women are better people than women who have had sex? Were you a better man before or after you had had sex?

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A reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2008):

Hi Mr Anonymous,

I'm sorry you feel that some of us are attacking you and making light of your pain. The fact of the matter is we really don't understand the problem. But the great thing about dear cupid is that by listening to others problems and hearing different advice, we all learn to change and develop some tolerance for other people. I'm in the "25years, she loves you, you love her, what's the problem." In my situation, if my ex-partner had been presented with your problem, it would have driven him crazy too. But he would have felt crazy thinking of me all alone and hurt, it would have upset him to know I had to go through that pain alone, and he would try to love me and show me tenderness even more.

One aunt who thinks the same as me has also tried to change the advice she gives out. She suggested we think of something that would equal your situation, your shock and your pain. OK..... If I found out my partner was a murder and had been in jail..... Yes now, I can understand how you feel. This would rip my world apart, cause me to doubt my own mind and leave me feeling dirty and soiled.

It would be hard, and I would need lots of support to put this in the past and try to remember the good things my partner had done. Yes he killed someone, yes he was wrong. But that was a different person, the person I'm now with couldn't hurt a fly. It would be touch and go, if I leave him or not, but in hurting him, I would realise I'm hurting myself. You have every right to feel distirbed and disgusted by this. I hope you have enough love and strength to work through the pain and forgive your wife and feel comfortable with your marriage again. Good luck.

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A male reader, Yos Netherlands +, writes (18 July 2008):

Yos agony aunt"I cant help thinking of the acts and that is why I ask for help from people who I hope will understand"

It is good that you have zeroed in on this behaviour, dealing with this is central to 'a cure'. You should treat this as obsessive behaviour, you are in essense obsessing over these thoughts and ending up in a constantly self-reinforcing downward spiral. These thoughts lead nowhere other than back to themselves.

What I had to learn to do was to pull myself out of those endless circular patterns. I found meditation and tai chi the most beneficial for this personally: both teach you to gently re-focus your mind on something else. The aim is, when you find these negative thoughts intruding, to calmly point your consciousness in a different direction without reacting to the surge of emotions you'll be feeling at that moment. It's like tuning out traffic noise, or choosing not to get impatient when stuck in a long queue.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2008):

Thanks for the feedback.

I am very happy to hear that you are busy with therapy; It will take some time but I am convinced you will be able to work through it; the shock, the dissapoint will fade; the fact that you love your wife and that you have had a happy life together is an advantage; and hopefully there is good COMMUNICATION between you and your wife at this stage.

Best wishes and lots of SMILES

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A reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2008):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thanks to all those who posted replies,

I have found that some people seem to actualy care and try to help whilst others just want to make things seem worse.

Like one of tou says ,maybe they are just making me sound bad for their own gain.

I truly love my wife and I am already in therapy . My intention is not to leave ,it never was ,I just needed help to understand the negative thoughts .

I realise thru therapy that I put my wife on a very high pedastil from the start and that is a long way to fall for anyone. I cant help thinking of the acts and that is why I ask for help from people who I hope will understand. thanks.

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A male reader, djwork Australia +, writes (18 July 2008):

I understand how you feel. It's not so much that your wife wasn't a virgin, or that she lied, it's the fact that she took away your ability to make an informed decision during the foundation stage of your relationship.

Those people who are saying “its 25 years ago, get over it” are saying the equivalent of "you’re on the 25th floor of an office tower who cares about the faulty steel in the foundation"?

Don't take the rather pointed replies to your post too personally I've seen this pattern before. A guy, usually, finds out some dark secret from his wife’s past (say years 10+) and then feels lost and looses faith in his partner, posts on Dear Cupid then the knives come out, “Snap out of it”, “Grow up”, “Don’t be such a child”, etc…

What I believe happens when one of these posts comes up is a lot of the aunts look at their own past and think “what if the partner of my dreams rejected me because of my past, how would I feel”? This scares them and in general the more you scare someone the more hostile their response is.

That said you will hurt yourself and those who you love if you let this become a poison in your life and marriage. I would recommend some sort of therapy that reduces the negative emotional energy associated with your situation, something like EMDR, it will not make you forget but it will take away the kick in the stomach feeling you feel each time you remember.

Best of luck

Daniel

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A female reader, shandygirl United States +, writes (17 July 2008):

shandygirl agony auntI would have lied too if I was 17-18 and was in love with the man that I would spend the rest of my life with ... for fear that he would think I was a tramp.

COME ON...You have been married for 25 years and you are happy and with 2 kids..

Do you love her? Does she love you?

Were you a virgin when you married her? NO.

Is she cheating on you now or something? NO.

Uh... so what is your problem? I don't mean to sound harsh... But snap out of it!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2008):

I agree with some of the postings but suggest you follow the advise of "Yos"; you have to make a commitment to move forward and need counseling to help you through this.

I do realize you are in a "state of shock" and that you have lots of reason to doubt many and much more in your life together; yes you feel betrayed and with reason; but you have had a good 25 years; don't blow it away;

Go and get somebody to help you through this; try to be as loving and caring to your wife as possible; don't push her aside, ignore or reject her;In fact, you should value the fact that she opened up to you; Do you realize how difficult that must have been for her?

I hope you will get past this and be able to continue building on your marriage; I hope that ultimately this will bond your even more.

Weather the Storms; the Sun always shines again!I know lots of people believe this is past tense, I agree; I also do understand that this is a shock and probably a moral issue to you; get Professional help to overcome this little detail of "history"; no matter how difficult, I know you can and you WILL.

Best wishes and lots of SMILES

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A male reader, Yos Netherlands +, writes (17 July 2008):

Yos agony auntVery tough situation, I can completely appreciate how you feel right now. And as you have seen, its a subject that tends to get minimal sympathy from others. Unless you've experienced it yourself, its easy to think that this is just someone being judgemental and sexist. Which it isn't.

Minelisse's advice below is really good. Read that carefully. Also look in my post history, as I comment on this subject a lot.

Given the seriousness of your situation and your immediate need, I suggest you do several things:

- Find a (male) psychotherapist right away and start talking about this with him. Don't delay. Don't think this is not serious enough to need something like this. It is.

- Make a pact with yourself to suspend any blame or judgement about your wife. You are experiencing intense negative emotions right now, and your mind will be trying to blame these on her. Don't go there, it's a very damaging path to go down. Whilst her dishonesty means she is at fault, you are not in a state right now to be able to distinguish between a 'reasonable reaction' and an 'irrational over-reaction'.

- Make a conscious, stated decision that you want to get past this, you want to be rid of the negative feelings and intrusive / obsessive thoughts.

- Remind your wife that you still love her. Let her know that it is precisely because you love her that this information hurts so much. Difficult as it is, it is a sign that you still care deeply about her.

If you can do these things right away, you should be able to stabilize the situation enough to continue with therapy and work through the root causes of the negative emotions with a view to overcoming them.

Good luck.

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A male reader, saltwater United Kingdom +, writes (17 July 2008):

saltwater agony auntWell by your definition of cheating, a lot of people in the world have been cheated on then!

So she told a lie (which is of course usually bad) but come on, you are seriously willing to jeopardise 25 years of what sounds like a happy marriage because she has had sex with someone else?

Get a grip.

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A female reader, Emilysanswers United Kingdom +, writes (17 July 2008):

I have to agree with everyone. Yes it has been a shock to find out that she had sex before you but that was a QUARTER OF A CENTURY AGO!!

She didn't lie to trick you into marriage to steal your money, she didn't get herself pregnant so you HAD to marry her... she was hurt badly in the past and wanted to make sure you were genuine before she got hurt again.

I am sure you did stupid things when you were 17 and drunk, I am sure your kids will do stupid things too. Everyone makes mistakes.

She is the person you fell in love with because of her past. If you love her you are automatically loving every mistake she has ever made.

Good Luck!! xx

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A reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2008):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thanks everyone for the replies,

some are harder than others but I know they have all gone well with me. I have been reading lots of archive responses on this subject so I new what to expect.

I do realise what I have to do for the sake of our fantastic relationship but I guess I just wanted some direct advice to me to get me on my way. For that I thank you all.

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A female reader, TELLULAH United Kingdom +, writes (17 July 2008):

TELLULAH agony auntMy worry is that, are you that unaproachable that she had to lie to you in the first place. Could it be that the reaction she is getting now, is why she felt that she couldnt tell you in the first place.

Why after all this time did she then tell you the truth. I feel very sorry for her, that she has felt the need to live the past 20 odd years unable to tell her husband who should be her best friend.

What a shame that you dont love her enough to tell her that it didnt matter and that whatever it was is in the past.

I think you should sit down, get of your high horse and thank your lucky stars for the wonderfull life that you have.

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A female reader, Star_07 United States +, writes (17 July 2008):

Star_07 agony auntSo she had sex a total of 7 times before you? She pretty much was a virgin!

You have been with this woman for 25 years? You are going to have to get over this as you know that she is completely devoted to you. I know that you may have had this vision in your mind that she was this "virgin" and she was so innocent and perfect. You came with a past and she dealt with it. Is she having problems dealing with your past? I think not!

Would you have loved her any differently if she was not a virgin, to your knowledge?

Talk to your wife about this and make sure you tell her you love her and that although this may come as a shock, you will love her anyways!

Think about this from her perpective, the guys that she was with used her or at least decieved her and she was testing the waters back then. She wanted assurance that you were taking her seriously. Consider that 25 years have passed and this should not change a thing. Get over your ego, sorry to be so blunt!

Take Care!

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A male reader, LazyGuy Netherlands +, writes (17 July 2008):

LazyGuy agony auntYou might be feeling that you have been living a lie and if she lied about this, what else has she lied about?

That is the problem with lying, suddenly everything is suspect.

How to cope? You got to simple decide what it is you want. End this marriage that so far has worked out well over a lie OR accept that this happened ages ago and that what matters is how true she has been to you since you two got married.

Of course, basic problem there is that she hasn't been true to you.

Did you pressure her into saying she was a virgin because basically, you two have equal sexual experience, why should she be a virgin when you were not? The two women you slept with before her don't have the right to be married happily anymore? I would seriously ask yourself just how much of a hypocrit you are getting upset she wasn't a virgin.

Is she allowed to be upset because you slept with other women?

The lying... that is a different thing but if she felt she had no choice because of your attitude then that is a valid excuse.

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A male reader, Dr Vendetta United Kingdom +, writes (17 July 2008):

Dr Vendetta agony aunt"its like she has cheated on me"

yeah in a way that she wasn't with you at the time and thus didn't really cheated on you. and wanted to make you feel like a special pervert by having his virgin.

you're between 41-50?

THEN GROW UP AND START ACTING LIKE IT.

Christ. you've been married for 25 year, it was 25 years ago.

she screwed up. she was 17 years old. probably did it to make you feel special because you had already gone off and screwed 2 girls.

You sir are selfish. big deal she wasn't a virgin. guess what. Neither were you. if you want to be some giant perve about it go fine a 14 year old. there probably a few of those left that are virgins.

Grow up, stop acting like a child and stop crying over 25 year old spilt milk.

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A female reader, Minelisse Puerto Rico +, writes (17 July 2008):

Minelisse agony auntI think it is very difficult for a third party (like myself) to really understand why you are so frustrated. This happened more than 25 years ago and you've had a good relationship with her with 2 kids. How can something of the past that she has decided to come forward with could affect that? (considering is just sex and happened before you met her, you also had sex before you met her) Having said that, dealing with this feeling of betrayal has to come from you.

You need to forgive this past, let it go. You need to decide to do so. Even if you feel hurt, or angry... you need to decide to let it go. There are a lot of rituals for doing this that people have developed over the years (writing it down and burning it or cutting it or throwing it in the trash). After that, you will remember what has happened and you might even have bad feelings but you need to keep the thoughts away. The instant they come back to your mind, try to do something else after acknowledging them. For example, instead of feeding them and revolving yourself around what you feel (she lied, poor you, you didn't deserve that) go for (she was wrong, she came forward and I have decided to forgive and move on) and then do something else to block those thoughts from your mind.

Our mind is very powerful and no good will come from staying in the past. She has not been unfaithful, she just made a bad call 25 years ago. She might have feel used by other guys and she liked you so much she wanted it to work and she thought that not having sex for a while would help your chances. Afterwards, as it happens with all lies, it just grew. If she had told you she had sex before, would that made a difference on her as a person or in the wonderful relationship you have?

Work on this, I'm pretty sure you can do it on your own. If you see no progress in a couple of weeks or if this situation escalates, please seek help.

Best of lucks!

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A female reader, Delightful United Kingdom +, writes (17 July 2008):

If you love your wife with all your heart then understand it from her point of view - you should be flattered that you believed she was a virgin - imagine how she must have been feeling knowing that if she told you, you may well walk away - she clearly loved you then and still does by the sound of it.

Make love with her, not discrimiate her for portraying a picture you wanted to hear when you got married. Ask yourself why she couldn't be honest with you then? If she had felt really comfortable with you and felt she could have told you anything, she would have told you then.

You have 25 years together, these other guys had a tiny amount of time in comparison so she clearly chose you.

If you continue to become obsessed by this you will drive her away - is this what you really want?

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