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My uncle and I are in love, but what about Auntie?

Tagged as: Age differences, Crushes, Family, Forbidden love, Three is a crowd, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (14 April 2018) 11 Answers - (Newest, 6 May 2018)
A female Peru age 22-25, anonymous writes:

I know that a lot of you are probably going to say how nasty and sick I am and how I need to get help right away, and I totally understand where you're coming from but I'm writing here because I have no one to talk to and I'm kind of going nuts over this.

First things first, I’m 21 and I've been living with my uncle and aunt for over ten years now. I was never molested or anything like that. My uncle and I are not biologically related, he's actually my aunt's partner. He's always been a role model to me, and still is. Some years ago I started developing some feelings for him but never said or did anything about it. My uncle and I have always been really close, we bonded immediately.

On my 20th birthday he kissed me and I went nuts. I did not kiss him back and pretended like it never happened. But recently he told me he had feelings for me and that he couldn't hold those feelings anymore.

I love him for real but I can't possibly do this to my aunt. I might destroy my family and i don't want that to happen at all, but again, love him and the fact that he corresponds to my feelings makes things different for me.

Again I'm sorry if somehow I'm offending you, but having written this down, I feel like I can breathe again.

Thank you.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2018):

Oh my gosh, get out of there NOW! Even if you two are really in love, it's not fair for your Aunt and this has trouble written all over it.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2018):

So what happened?Did you move out?Did you destroy your whole family?Did you ever relize that your uncle is a sicko preditor?You know he has been waiting for a chance to get you ever since you were a small child.Did you ever warn your aunt?Does she have small children?Are they in danger from this sicko also?Thease are all the questions you need to ask yourself.Everyone here has told you the same thing over and over.Do you get it yet?I sure hope so for your sake please do not enable the pedophile.I hope you tell someone if kids are in that house because yes they are in danger also.Now it is time to act like the adult we know you can be and out this sicko for all to see.That means report his butt to everyone who will listen...oh there will be fallout but if that fallout can save one child it is worth it.Do the right thing and tell..maybe even record him being his sick self to you.Your aunt also needs to know she married a pedophile.She might hate you because of her displaced anger but she needs to know.Especially if she has children in that house..if there are call CPS and protect them from that pedofile.You do not have enough life experience to see what this really is.This is not your fault in any way.It all lies on the sicko preditor.And he is one and everyone here does agree with that when you read all thease answers.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2018):

An older man preyed on me. I was innocent and naïve. A fun and full of life young woman. I did not have much experience with men but I was totally starry eyed about him. I was just swept away by my feelings. It felt like a fantasy world had come true. And it felt so good. The attention he gave me was intoxicating. It was like I felt drunk on the way he made me feel. He eventually became my addiction and I chased that addiction every chance I had. His attention made me feel special and gave me a sense of self validation. I needed to feel special because there was something missing in me, an empty hole that needed to be filled. If it wasn't by him, it might have been by someone else. But he was there at the right place and right time. He was very convenient. And he knows it.

As a young, impressionable woman, I created this whole illusion in my head and was swallowed whole by what was not real; I saw reality but pushed it away, far away. We little girls have this way of living dreams in our heads, and these older predators know we are princesses waiting to be rescued. They pretend to be our Prince Charming, all that we ever dreamed a man could be. It is all an act to get what they want in the end, into your panties. They know how to stoke the fire. Every step of the way, he is stoking the fire, leading you into the garden of temptation, where he will be waiting to take your innocence away. He knew what he was doing all along. He was attracted to my innocence and vulnerability. He is simply bored with your aunt and their long term union and has fantasies of younger women. I do believe he has crossed the line before and will again whether you fall prey to him or not.

Take it from a girl whose been there. I am now 50 and I thought I knew everything but I didn't. The only way you sometimes learn is the hard way, by jumping off the cliff without thinking. And in the end, you don't die but it sure does feel like a part of you has. This man will end up taking your innocence, your youth, all the good inside you, and use it and abuse it. And turn you into a used up, burnt out, messed up young woman. A woman full of regrets and a woman who lost her innocent inner child, which is a beautiful thing. It will be replaced with a jaded, cynical, insecure, untrusting woman who went from innocent to worldly the hard way. You are too young to be battle scarred, too young to be taken advantage of my an experienced player. Sweetie, please trust me, you don't want to lose that innocence to a man like him. He is garbage. To be starting up with you while he is in a relationship with your aunt makes him an asshole. To have known you since a little girl and trying to groom you for sex? This makes him an even bigger asshole. This is not your Knight in Shining Armour. This man is nobody's prize.

You need to remove yourself from this situation. The fact you live in the same house allows him to manipulate you and groom you to the maximum effect. It is easy for him when you are right under his nose. And easy for you to grow your feelings because you see him everyday, which feeds your addiction to him. It is all an illusion, sweetheart. You are literally dancing with the devil. He wants you to think he is the answer to your all prayers. No, he isn't. He will be your worst nightmare come true.

Do you have anywhere else to live? I know it is hard because you are still young. But are you working? Can you support yourself and get out of there? Perhaps it is time to put this plan in place. Find a job and get out of the house as much as you can. That way you will be out of his way a lot of the time. Save your money and find yourself a place to live. It does not have to be a dream house. Just a simple apartment with a manageable rent will do. That is what I did. I got my own place and it isn't Trump Towers but it is mine and it symbolizes my freedom. I hope you can do the same. It takes guts and courage. Sometimes we don't know we have those until we choose to do the right thing. Please, for your own sake, find a way to shut him down. Do not do this to yourself or to your aunt. She has been good to you all these years. I am sure she loves you like a daughter. This would be brutal of you to do to her. Can you see that?

Thank you for coming here and reaching out to us. It took guts. And you are a smart girl. I can see it. You know it's wrong what your uncle is doing. And you are looking for support to do what is right. Talk to another adult, one who is not your uncle or aunt. You need to find support right now. Please do it. Whether it is someone you trust or an agency or organization in your area. Look it up. You will find anything on Google. Look for women's services, sexual abuse victims or women's help groups, even women's shelters. Start somewhere and you will surely find your answers. Go to your family doctor and explain what you need. Doctors may even be able to refer you to places that can help you.

Do not give into him. Feelings come and go. You think you may love him but this is not love. It is just infatuation. He is a father figure you never had. You are looking to him to fill in many gaps in yourself, in your life. He is not the answer. LOVING YOURSELF is the answer. So, take care of you. Love yourself enough not to allow this man to destroy all the good you have inside. Because sweetie, he WILL if you ALLOW him. You have the power. You always did. The ball will always be in your court. We women are the gate keepers. Men cannot get through without our permission. Never, ever give yourself up for this piece of shit. Think about your life, your future, your future plans and the life you envision for yourself. Go out and get it. There is a whole world out there. Don't wait til you are 50 and have a story about how some old perverted uncle took your innocence and hang onto that haunting and tormenting memory the rest of your life. You are now in the position to ERASE it. So that it will never happen. And you never have regrets.

Hugs. xo

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A female reader, Dionee' South Africa +, writes (15 April 2018):

Dionee' agony auntFirstly, I don't think that you're nasty/sick. The truth is that your uncle has forced his way onto your lips and into your mind and your heart. HE is actually the sick and nasty one.

The fact of the matter is that you're young and it's easy to fall hard when you're young or at least to think that that's what love is; it isn't. He took advantage of you and as a result, you've been reeled in even further. The sick thing is that you don't know when this crush on his end, started. since you've been living there for quite a while, it could have started when you were a minor which honestly creeps me out. Who knows how many times he has watched you and had sick thoughts and how many times before, he wanted to make a move but stopped because you were too young? He sounds really sick. Honestly. If I were you, I wouldn't entertain this. You should probably look for somewhere else to stay. That's your best option. Don't let this man's games get you into trouble with your family and don't let this ruin your life. You've got your entire life ahead of you so DON"T ALLOW him to do this to you.

Stand your ground and put an end to this. Now it the time, before this goes too far.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2018):

Honey, you probably don't want to hear this, but your uncle was more than likely grooming you for this throughout your teens. Experienced older men know what to do to subtly elicit sexual and romantic feelings in women, and some use that knowledge to prey on younger women who aren't experienced about how attraction and good relationships work. You are better than just any man who shows interest in you and deserve a guy who only has you as his love and focus. It will be hard to resist but you will be better off if you do, because he is putting his own selfish desires before how he should love you and your aunt, and ultimately that is very painful for both of you. I would suggest seeing a therapist, as having the man who partially raised you and was a father/authority figure after you sexually ultimately turns painful and damaging. Good luck!!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2018):

It's not your fault you feel like this.

Your uncle has pulled a fast move on you and I don't like it one bit.

He is trying to steal your youthfulness and security and being the toad he is he will probably blame you if Aunty finds out. He will say that you led him on and stood stark naked in just a towel and how could poor helpless uncle resist?

Now he knows he has no right to mess with your feelings and he wants you confused! Tell your Aunt that your uncle is making you feel uncomfortable.

This will get back to him as a warning!

You can also tell at him loudly "Leave me alone!" .

But what will happen to you the day or night you are in the house alone with that sexcrazed freak?

He will force it on you.

So tactics to get rid of an overzealous man...If he puts his genitals near your mouth you bite it off or try to.

He will soon loose interest. Or if he tries touchy feely on your body then you kick him in the balls or hit him with something or dial the police and say he is attacking you.

He is abusing a position of trust so don't let him talk you into a sexual encounter.

With your words you can let him know that you don't love him and you will tell Aunty if he tries anything on and the police.

Be brutally cruel now before it ends in court.

And tell Aunty that Uncle is giving you the creeps and he should never have tried to kiss you the way he did.

And make it clear that you don't need to pay in sex for the food he put on the table when you were a child.

Don't let him convince you it's love because he is just taking advantage of you because you grew up in his home.

This is despicable and pathetic of him.

You owe him nothing!And he is going to try to blackmail you into silence.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2018):

Good about breathing... you are alive, you are young.

I actually don't think you're a bad person and we can't always stop how we feel about others.

But, I must say, your "Uncle" is being selfish.

he went in for a kiss and it wasn't quite appreciated by you, because you have morals and a conscience. Yes?

I hope you don't take this any further until your Aunty is made aware of the situation happening under her own roof if you decide to take this further (I really hope not!)

I get a feeling that you may have been groomed here, by him.

I had a situation where my "uncle" (like you, but he wasn't quite) used to come round when I was 14 every night, and he would get very touchy feely with me, I liked him (not fancy) and was being coerced - though - by my own family to take it further which I didn't and thank God because he manipulated my Mother and her sister to get verrry close. So damaging and so cruel! He ended up committing suicide in the end, maybe he got some conscience and didn't like what he saw. I'll never know, but I do know now, 30 years later, that I don't have too much respect for him on account of what went on... Anyway... You are very young and he has no concern for your Aunty who he's been verrry intimate with for years, so why do you think he actually really cares for you? he doesn't, he IS molesting you, he's chancing his arm, he's throwing caution to the wind. You may have feelings for him, but I do hope your feelings for your Aunty and your families feelings are more honest and real and you act upon them and not a potentially un-faithful man (who would drag you down to if you make the wrong choice.)

Bit of a sticky mess really!

Good luck girl and for your own conscience, which you do have, I truly hope you make the right choices.

All the best


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A female reader, Andie's Thoughts United Kingdom + , writes (14 April 2018):

Andie's Thoughts agony auntHe's preyed on you. You need to move out. This isn't love. Please get help; you're not safe around him.

Biological or not, he's family and that makes him off limits. He's seen you as a CHILD and now sees you sexually. It's not the sign of a good man.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2018):

First and foremost, how old is this uncle of yours? And secondly, it seems to me your not here for advice because it sounds like your feeling for eachother are more important than your REAL Family. I'm sorry but the situation isn't just sick, you are extremely selfish. Your an adult, you've admitted it's wrong, and yet you sat there expressing how you feel for HIM. You are right however, you will ruin the family, you will break your auntys heart, but what you expect? You and this absolute a***ole to go and flee to be together? This guy is an absolute disgrace, not only is he cheating on his partner, but perving over his partners niece!! Who does he think he is! Is that the kind of relationship you want? Its getting to a point where you are going "nuts for him" and it's only a matter of time before one of you gets physical, if you don't tell him to back off or get out. And do you know who will blame who if you got caught out? He will blame YOU.

He's not going to admit to your aunty and the rest of the family he has something for you, because he's be immediately dumped and banned from the house, he will only blame YOU. Because all this is just a fantasy for both of you. A fantasy that if it did come true, nothing further will come of it.

So you need to somehow get the hell out of there. Arnt you in college or working at the moment? Because I would be doing everything in my power to move out. Meet people your own age, and understand the true meaning of LOVE. And not some messed up fantasy!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2018):

First off you need to move today.You are so young.You are at that age where you think you know it all.I realized past 50 I will never know it all but I know some things.One thing I do know for sure is that your uncle is a predator.I also bet that you are not the first young woman he has been attracted and you will not I promise you be the last.Do not be taken advantage of please.How can you even consider doing this to your aunt after she took you in and supported you?Get out now.You are much better and brighter than this and you know it.I have faith you will do the right thing.You know you deserve better.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2018):

You need to move out of their house...asap. It will help you get some perspective. Think how upset your Auntie would be if she found out. Start dating guys your own age and in time I expect you will find an equally strong connection with someone else.

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