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My still-married boyfriend says he doesn't have the time or money to file for divorce....

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Question - (16 May 2005) 14 Answers - (Newest, 16 March 2010)
A , anonymous writes:

I am currently in a relationship with a man that is still married. I have been waiting for 2 and a half years for him to file for a divorce but he keeps telling me that he does not have the money to hire a lawyer and he does not have time to go to the courthouse himself to file for the divorce because of his work schedule.

Should I give him more time or should I just walk away and not look back?

View related questions: divorce, money

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2010):

I too am living with a married man. He was separated for a year when I met him. We have been living together for 2 months. Reading all of this gave me chest pains. He has 2 weeks! That's it. I just feel like a used piece of nothing after reading all this.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2010):

Procrastinator!! That is the best way to describe it. I am in the same boat. Same excuse I get - can't afford. Trust me almost three years later I am at the point where it all BS not having the money (my dad gave it to him) afraid of alimony - NOPE ALL BS - Sweetie do something for yourself before you get to the point I am at. NUMB!!!!! I really don't care if he is here or not. Well not completely true - my kids would be very upset but hey we have been alone before I will get them through it.

Good Luck!!

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A female reader, momo22 United States +, writes (3 March 2010):

i know where your coming from.. probably like alot of people here i too am in a relationship similar to yours..

we have been together for 2 years and he still has not gotten a divorce. the excuse of time and money has come up many times and every time i say "i will help you" but even that is not enough. he has a son and i love him dearly.. and if not for him i would have broken off the relationship. soon though his son and the ex-wife are moving to texas, which makes me wonder if the divorce will just go by the wayside once they move. i dont know what is taking so long. but eventually im gonna have to move on. with him or without

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A male reader, thecleanser Canada +, writes (17 February 2010):

For any women out there that might be getting involved with someone that is still married, DON'T GET INVOLVED. I'm young enough to see my parents friends go through seperations from there husbands that won't get a devorced and see how CHEAP the men are and how they make up excuses not to get devorced.

The simple answer is that these men know that when they get devorced they have to give up half to the old wife then get married to the new wife only to have in the back of there mind that they could lose half of everything atgain. Also someone that is still married with a child and gets involved with someone else and has a child with another women, the other woen is intitled to single mother benifits while the father is still not paying for support for the first child.

So if the man gets a devorce he looses twice, has to pay for child and mother number 1 and 2. Yup this world is going to hell fast as long as theres social assistance to single mothers.

PLEASE TO ALL YOU WOMEN OUT THERE IN A REATIONSHIP WITH A MARRIED MAN, DON'T BE STUPID ,LEAVE HIM ,YOU WILL HAVE NO RIGHTS AS A WOMEN IF HE IS STILL MARRIED, THE MAN IS JUST PROTECTING HIS BANK ACCOUNT, IF HE WERE TO DIE TOMMORROW EVERYTHING GOES TO THE FIRST WIFE, THERE ALL JERKS. A REAL MAN WOULD FINISH WHAT HE HAS ENDED AND NOT DRAG ANOTHER PERSON INTO HIS SCREWED UP LIFE.

BUT MAJORITY OF WOMEN ARE DUMB ENOUGH TO GET INVOLVED WITH A MARRIED MAN, I'VE SEEN IT TIME AND AGAIN.

THE ONLY SATISFATION I GET IS WHEN THESE MEN LEAVE THESE STUPID WOMEN WHO GET INVOLVED WITH MARRIED MEN IS WHEN THEY MOVE BACK INTO THERE MOTHERS HOUSE AND YOU HAVE A 65 YEAR OLD GRAND MOTHER LOOKING AFTER HER DAUGHTER AND BASTARD CHILD ON A RETIRE INCOME.(and it happens more often then people seem to think , i've seen it happen 5 times to 5 different women, lol)

serves these grandmothers right for not telling there daughters not to get involved with a married man.

IT'S CALLED MORALS AND VALUES, WE ALL LIVE BUY THEM AND ARE IT MAKE THEM WHO WE ARE.

DON'T CHANGE THEM FOR ANYTHING OR ANYONE. WITHOU THEM YOUR NOTHING.

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A female reader, Truthful Opinion United States +, writes (22 January 2010):

Say BYE BYE. He may be nice and he may be sweet. But nice and sweet dont get things accomplished. He has a procrastination problem obviously and where does that leave the progression of your relationship.? Unless of course he is a muslim or mormon....I say leave him unless he is the TRUE LOVE OF YOUR LIFE. And you could not see yourself with another man EVER!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2009):

I also have been in a relationship and gave a two year time frame, as my divorce is finalized and his hasn't even begun. I hate to think it, but the truth is, if they haven't done it by now, they WON'T. I love this person, but you have to open your eyes eventually and realize it is a excuse not to settle down again or that they aren't really over them. I lost everything I owned in legal battles with my ex and I truly believe in the sacred marriage, however I'm not going to date a married man. I was under the assumption meeting him that it was over and i was entering a relationship that ended for it's own reasons, but now I see, it was never going anywhere. It hurts to walk away, but someone once told me and it's such the golden rule, you don't want to be with someone that doesn't want to be with you. He doesn't want to be with you if he isn't leaving her... He belongs married to her then and you deserve the guy you might have missed that was your prince charming while you wasted those two years on him. I moved on , and he is still married, I would have wasted even more years. I'm glad I had the courage to walk on.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2008):

Hey, I just googled 'my boyfriend is still maaried' and this page sprang up! Reading your problem was listening to me talking! I've been with my boyfriend for nearly 2 years, and he has been separated from his wife for 5-6years and there is still no sign of a divorce. Only issue is you never really wanna push the issue too hard because you may end up pushing him away. I know that one of the reasons my boyfriend doesn't want to get a divorce is that the mortage are still in their joint name, i dont know if he just says this to keep me quiet or if he just doesn't want the hassle as he has a really hectic workload.

To be honest, i would give him some time and not set a date to be divorced by, its the only way forward without it ruining your relationship. I hope you have sorted out this issue as i see it was some time ago, but reading it made me compelled to write!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2008):

I am in a very similar situation with my separated-but-still-married boyfriend of 8 months. I have been to all kinds of people for advice. It boils down to this. You are giving him everything right now. He is not. He can't until he is divorced and free to fully commit himself to you. You don't have to meet him like an angry mob, but you must be firm and maintain your self respect. You deserve to be with a man who is legally, emotionally, mentally, spiritually, physically able to be with you. Give him a deadline to get the divorce. If he doesn't, then he wasn't really yours in the first place. Good luck, I am doing the same right now.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2008):

Give hime time, I'm sure he loves you very much.It just takes time sometimes.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2007):

my boyfriend also hasn't gotten a divorse. he's had a terrible relationship with his ex-- I think she was at least slightly emotionally abusive... there was no sex for years and years-- and they lived in separate parts of the house-- until he started having girlfriends.

I think he's officially been gone from there for about three years; we've been together for one, and have a great relationship and talk about the future and live life to the fullest. he says he doesn't feel married... and that he didn't get a divorce innitially for monetary reasons-- loss of investments-- or that he didn't have a reason...

now he says he does but he hasn't started... the deadline I set for him is comming up in one month.. and nothing.

I think he's a bit afraid because she's an attorney. but i don't care. he's wonderful and doting and i do believe that this is a wonderful relationship I'm in... but it won't survive him not meeting the deadline.

I don't think the avoidance has much to do with me at this point... but can any one shed some light as to why? I don't think it's important, but I'd like to understand.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2006):

I am a female with two kids and married. My husband has moved to another state leaving us. Its been about 3 months now and being a single mother i can not find the time or money to file for divorce. But in six months it will be started. I am sorry but i believe in your question that he's not wanting a divorce or it would be at least started. There are forms on line (like what i did) that he can fill out and at least get the ball rolling. I am sorry but if he loves you, you will walk away he will file and want you back!!!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2005):

LEAVE HIM ALONE! HE'S MARRIED! HE DOESN'T NEED YOUR TO HELP SCREW UP HIS LIFE EVEN MORE. PEOPLE DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT MARRIAGE IS ANYMORE. MARRIAGE SEEMS TO BE A BIG GAME TO PEOPLE.

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A female reader, Bev Conolly Australia +, writes (18 May 2005):

Bev Conolly agony auntSorry, but this screams "lame excuse" and "stalling" to me.

Like rphillips (below), I agree that divorces can be quick or they can be fast, but your guy hasn't even filed the papers yet! That doesn't sound like he's exactly careening toward divorce, does it?

Why not try this: ring the courthouse and find out what their hours are. Chances are, that they're open Saturday mornings, or late one evening. Lots of people, from all walks of life, have to get divorces. I'm sure that there are alternatives to the 9:00-5:00 hours. Get the information and give it to your boyfriend. You might also check whether your area permits DIY divorces, which are available in many US states at a very low-cost and without hiring a lawyer.

However, I strongly suspect that cost and time aren't the major factors involved in your b/f's inability to get the divorce ball rolling. Judging by his complete lack of action so far, I'd say that he's quite happy with things as they are.

After you give him the opening hours of the courthouse, you might suggest this scenario to him and see what he says. After that, you need to decide how YOU feel about being involved with a man who doesn't feel a need to get a divorce from his wife before finding a girlfriend.

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A reader, rphillips +, writes (17 May 2005):

Two years in a relationship is a long time, and your very married guy doesn't deserve another chance, but I have been in your shoes. I know exactly how you will feel if you don't give him one more chance.

I don't like saying give him an ultimatum, but give him one. However, you will need to do a little research first. Find out how long it takes the "average" divorce to take place in your city/town/state. Talk to some friends.

For instance, where I live, they can happen in as quick as 90 days or can drag on for two years. Once you know how long a divorce could take, then you need to have the talk with your man.

The talk should go like this:

I love you and I want to be with you. However, if you are not DIVORCED by (enter the date here 6 months, 3 months, 1 year) then it is over. End of story. No questions, no excuses.

Now you will be able to tell if he is working on meeting your deadline, and if he is then good for you. But if he is not, then he won't ever and you should let him go and not look back.

TRUST ME ON THIS.

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