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My sister's rage is out of control

Tagged as: Big Questions, Family, Health, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (24 March 2015) 6 Answers - (Newest, 24 March 2015)
A female United Kingdom age 30-35, anonymous writes:

Before our studies commenced we had both decided to live together in a two bed flat in the Student Village. I thought it was going to be amazing... But it turns out that she gets angry and violent really, really easily. I have concerns that she's got serious issues. Our biological father (we don't see him really) had severe depression and was abusive to our mum.

We both push each others buttons of course, and I'd say we have what's considered 'normal' bad fights on occasion, but since about a year back she goes MENTAL when we put up a fight. She hits the walls, tables, grabs her hair and flails her arms around violently, screams at me and even hits me when she's really bad. Today she threatened to strangle me, then started sobbing about half an hour later...

We had promised each other to finish a university assignment last weekend, and she got quite upset with me when I rescheduled a dinner visit for that Saturday afternoon. I didn't see the big deal - you don't 'work' during dinner anyway. Either way, I worked a LOT more on the project throughout the weekend. She spent the Saturday at a friends house. I brought this up today in the nicest way possible when she said that she was going to a friends house for a few hours again. I was reasonable, but she flared up immediately! This time it took her only about 5 minutes to show violence, throwing her arms about in my general direction, hitting my desk.

She says that I don't have the right to tell her what to do. I agreed with her, and explained that I WASN'T telling her what to do. She said that I didn't have the right to tell her that what she was doing was wrong - I never ever said that! I told her that she was exaggerating what I'd said, and she didn't need to get like this. By this point she was scaring me, and I had gotten undressed to take a shower so we could leave it there, and she comes in very angrily, advancing on me to the point where I said 'don't you dare touch me!', she continues shouting at me and I tell her to get out.

I locked the door and we continued talking/shouting through it. She continued her rant about how I needed to shut up and just stop talking and telling her what to do, that I was NEVER going to express my opinion on her ever again and that I wasn't allowed. We are the same age. I can't really remember what I said at this stage, but I said something like, 'I don't know why you're getting like this, we could have just spoken normally', and suddenly she screams at me that if I don't stop talking she's going to strangle me.

This made me a weird mix of scared and furious, haha, and I yelled back that if she wanted me to shut up then she was going to have to do the same. We stopped then and there.

I want to know what I'm doing wrong, and whether my sister sounds like she needs help from someone. I swear, I am not annoying enough to get this crazy reaction from her.

Thanks everyone.

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A female reader, Tisha-1 United States +, writes (24 March 2015):

Tisha-1 agony auntIf she threatened to strangle you today and then broke down .... do not wait, contact your university's mental health services at once, right now, call them now. The anger and violence is not your fault and sounds like something she cannot control and so she needs help as a matter of urgency. You need protection from her, as well as the other people around her. Sorry. Be safe here, get the help you need ASAP.

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A female reader, Tisha-1 United States +, writes (24 March 2015):

Tisha-1 agony auntShe needs help and you should talk to your mother, your school's counseling service and try childline.org.uk as well. Document all you can remember of her outbursts and threats.

If she's been hitting you then do not be alone with her. Stay with friends for now.

Is she a twin? You say you are the same age but that's not quite clear.

Do not be alone with her. Crash with friends. Call your family doctor for help as well.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (24 March 2015):

Honeypie agony auntThis is your twin sister?

I agree with WiseOwlE that telling her you think she needs help, might not work well. She might be aware that her outburst are NOT "normal" but maybe YOU are the only one seeing these violent outburst, so she MIGHT dismiss it with a "sister fight all the time"....

You have a good 3 months left of the semester (I would presume) so I would start looking for someone else to live for next semester, and I would TELL her JUST that. I would ALSO STOP working WITH her on group projects.

I think it can be partly her not dealing well with stress at school and party something "mentally" - other issues she might not have displayed before. She DOES need help, but you can drag a horse to water, you CAN NOT make it drink. So until she decided she needs help, there isn't MUCH you can do about her mental state.

As for arguing. You two know EXACTLY how to push each others buttons. You have MASTERED the sibling squabble. While you can get mad, but stay fairly calm, SHE CAN'T control herself or her anger. So my suggestion? IF she starts an argument, walk away, TELL her hey I will discuss this when you are calm, this will do neither of us any good. The whole locking yourself in the bathroom and shouting through the door? NO more. It's not going to do wither of you any good.

I am also wondering if you have talked to your mother about this. THIS is your sister and I get why you are concerned. She will probably be mad at your for "telling" on her but maybe your mom has some insight.

Also, seek counseling for yourself. Learn how to deal with this, but I STRONGLY urge that you move out before one of you get hurt.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2015):

Well, it seems she definitely has anger-management issues; but informing her she needs help is likely to get her very angry.

I think you should finish out the semester, and find other living arrangements. She flies into a rage and tirade every-time you give an opinion; and I sense this behavior mimics the same abusive-behavior your father directed at your mother. If she was witness to all that, it does leave deep emotional scars that may last a life-time. She never got help for the trauma; so now the post traumatic stress is manifested through her own violent behavior.

The hardest thing to do, is tell a close-relative when they need professional-help. The best thing you can do is seek counseling for yourself, and that will help you to cope; so her issues will not rub-off on you. There is usually a campus psychologist available to help freshmen as they make their transition and integration into college-life. Let her know when you decide to make an appointment.

This is not a professional-opinion; but a guess. It sounds like she is showing symptoms of borderline personality disorder. Only a trained and licensed psychiatrist or psychologist can make a diagnosis after a full mental-health evaluation. Anger-management is definitely an issue, any layman with a brain can assume that.

If she starts getting violent, do not engage her in an argument. It will be difficult, but you must remain calm and quiet; and let her rant until she tires. You only fan the flames when you go at it with her. If she continues; leave, but be sure you have your keys with you. Also let her know that if you feel physically-threatened; you will contact the police if you have to. She needs to face some consequences for the behavior, so she'll have second-thoughts. If she's mentally-ill, she may not feel she's at fault. If you are making too much commotion, your neighbors will complain and may call the police anyway. If you two become a nuisance, your landlord will kick you out. You're becoming frightened of her, and it's time to do something about it.

Your sister is living away from home for the first time. School is stressing her out, and you unintentionally needle with her nerves. Sisters fight anyway, but her short-fuse is an issue that requires professional-attention. Make sure she isn't engaging in drug-use with these friends of hers. She may be falling into a bad crowd. Don't let her ruin your college experience or interfere with your studies. If your grades start to deteriorate; it's time for her to go.

By seeking counseling for yourself, and asking her to come along with you; she may care enough to try and fix things. Sometimes a family intervention is what it takes. You may not have that kind of family-support; so getting your own counseling may lead to your getting some help for her.

Let her know that you may be considering moving-out. You can't tolerate the violent behavior and her tantrums any longer. You can be firm and let her know you will call for help if she makes you feel she can't control herself; but you really don't want things to come to that, because you love her too much. Let her know that you don't intend to let this go on until things get too much out of hand.

My dear, you have to do what you have to do if she needs help. You have to feel safe. She is piling undue stress and tension on you. So you have to take measures that you may not feel good doing.

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A male reader, Garbo United States +, writes (24 March 2015):

Garbo agony auntLook into a condition called Intermittent Anger Disorder. It is little known among psychiatrists so you need to document her behavior with a video and your own research on that disorder and only then present in to a psychiatrist. He will then know how to proceed. Typical drug given for this is Abilify and this drug is coming off patent soon so it will be generic so much cheaper. Lot of people have this particularly men and ones in road rage.

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A female reader, eyeswideopen United States +, writes (24 March 2015):

eyeswideopen agony auntShe definitely needs some counseling. Do you have a counseling center at your school? Maybe you could talk to them about her angry outbursts, they may have an outreach program for the students where a counselor arranges a session with a troubled student. Check it out. Have you told your mother about all this?

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