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My sister tried to break up my marriage and I can't get past it

Tagged as: Family, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (2 March 2012) 9 Answers - (Newest, 4 March 2012)
A female United States age 41-50, *emeter writes:

I am stuck. I am not able to move on after being hurt/betrayed by my sister who tried to break up my marrage and be with my husband. I want to be less angry and afraid. The pain at times is too much. I have become depressed and angry. I need to move on in my life stronger and much less angry. I will never allow my sister in my life again. However, I feel that if I can forgive, I could move on. I have worked on forgiving but always come back to anger and hate. I just relive it instead of moving on. I am so very sad and heartbroken. I don't want be selfpitinging any more. I need to get on with life without her in it and feel happy.

View related questions: depressed, heartbroken, move on

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2012):

It's not all your sister's fault, your husband is equally accountable and responsible. He's the one married to you, after all. Yes he did initially reject her, but at some point he stopped rejecting her.

did you know she was 'after him' all these years? or only on hindsight? has she ever apologized to you?

I think it's easier to blame everything on your sister because you want to stay married to him which means you have to (for your own psychological health) see you and him as being on the same team. it's to avoid cognitive dissonance. But allying yourself with him leaves no one else to point the finger at other than her. I believe this is why most wives blame the mistress, not their husbands, for the affair. in order to see their husbands as being on the same team, they have to not blame them.

I think it will just have to take time. These strong painful emotions will be here to stay for a long time, I don't think you can rush the healing process even though you're in a lot of pain and would like to heal. Just give yourself time and allow yourself to feel these things and don't beat yourself up over those feelings.

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A male reader, Code Warrior United States +, writes (3 March 2012):

Code Warrior agony auntDisown your sister. Love your husband, but keep a watchful eye on him. If it happens again, it probably won't be your sister, it might be some woman you aren't even aware of and you may not know that it is even happening.

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A female reader, Demeter United States +, writes (3 March 2012):

Demeter is verified as being by the original poster of the question

My husband did play a role in it. He was honest about every detail. For years she has been "after him". He pushed her away. My husband begin having an emotionally difficult time and she was there to comfort him and yes it got confusing. He did have some feelings for her and they almost kissed. He got help and is on medice. He is bipolar and she "went in for the kill" when was in a manic phase. I found forgiveness for him because he "manned" up to all of it and our relationship is better. Yes it still kills me he allowed it to go too far. I am proud of how he handled his mistake. We do not have to be together we want to and he puts in the effort every day. I just can't believe my "normal" life could be on a Jerry Springer episode.

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A female reader, PerhapsNot United States +, writes (3 March 2012):

PerhapsNot agony auntI am usually not the type to recommend counseling, but you may actually really benefit from this. Have you spoken to your sister about any of this? Have you heard her side of the story? I do realize that you're in one of the worst case scenarios: your husband sleeping with your sister. It's a huge slap in the face that it would come from your own sister and from the person, who promised to be faithful to you.

I do also think that you're placing the majority of your pain, anger and disgust on your sister,simply because she didn't verbally express her guilt to you. It's normal to blame one party more than the other in these cheating scenarios. It's very typical for women especially to blame the other woman moreso than their partner, which has always baffled me.

I do find it difficult to understand that you use the word "proud" to describe the way your husband has handled the aftermath of the affair. I can see that he may be doing well regaining your trust, but for you to be proud? Pride is something you want to share with the world; something that makes you feel accomplished and happy. I don't see how pride can be remotely associated in this mess and the aftermath. If you sister were to "man up" as you say and tell you she is sorry and start to rebuild a relationship with you, would you forgive her the same way you're forgiving your husband? You wouldn't, right?

She is your scape goat. Bipolar doesn't make people cheat. Telling your partner that you cheated and working out the issues doesn't make the situation much better. You need counseling to get over TWO betrayals, not one. You need counseling to get over this depression, anger, sadness that TWO people caused you.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2012):

Forgiveness isn't the act of saying that what happened is ok or alright. Forgiveness is a decision to let go of what happened and refuse to be a slave to the negativity. The only person who can make that choice is you. You get a payoff for holding onto it, you need to find out what that payoff is and consciously stop seeking that payoff. It really doesn't matter the particulars of what happened between your sister and your husband. If you want to let go of it you will and if you don't want to let go of it you won't. If you find yourself "stuck" and unable to get past it, you might consider seeking help from a counselor who can help you work through it, but it's still ultimately something that you need to choose to move on from. I know how hard it is because I've been there before, best of luck.

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A female reader, Rozet United States +, writes (3 March 2012):

Rozet agony auntRemember your sister is beyond lower than you if she truly did try breaking you and your husband up, so all you gotta do is tell her how you felt and tell her how low she went but you still forgive her AND be sure to let her know that deep down inside theres still a part in your heart that is full of hatred towards what shes done.(its the truth, let her know) After confronting her you will feel better. If she dares say something negative just start doing the annoying "blah blah blah" and walk away. Or If that does happen tell her you feel sorry for her because to try to steal your guy... wow desperate much. I have no idea what she did to try to break you guys up, so calling her desperate might not be the right word but thats all I can tell you since you didn't explain how your sister tried breaking you two up.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2012):

My husband did play a role in it. He was honest about every detail. For years she has been "after him". He pushed her away. My husband begin having an emotionally difficult time and she was there to comfort him and yes it got confusing. He did have some feelings for her and they almost kissed. He got help and is on medice. He is bipolar and she "went in for the kill" when was in a manic phase. I found forgiveness for him because he "manned" up to all of it and our relationship is better. Yes it still kills me he allowed it to go too far. I am proud of how he handled his mistake. We do not have to be together we want to and he puts in the effort every day. I just can't believe my "normal" life could be on a Jerry Springer episode.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2012):

ya. plz dont post half questions we wont be able to help you properly

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A male reader, Code Warrior United States +, writes (3 March 2012):

Code Warrior agony auntWhat exactly did she do and what role did your husband play?

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