A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My older sister has this ongoing confidence problem since we were kids. She compares herself to me and seems to think she comes off worse. She thinks I am more exciting, popular and talented than she is. I have to constantly reassure her that she is great.actually if you were to compare us (which is clearly pointless) she is happily married whereas I am eternally single, or in some kind of less than desirable relationship. She has three kids, I have none, and as I am coming up for 40 this year, I have to accept it is becoming less than likely now, which saddens me, but which I am learning to be OK with, even relish. She is permanently tanned, I am pasty white! And then I burn or get a crop of freckles. She is naturally slim at British size 6-8, with great legs. I am stocky and muscular, and can't let my knees out in public. She is an amazingly talented painter and has natural artistic style when it comes to clothing, I can sing, and that is my first love, but recently she has been doing more of that and people have been complimenting her on it, which does not threaten me at all, I am pleased for her. She owns two houses, I rent.I am pretty outgoing, although I have heaps of insecurities too (who doesn't? ) and often do not feel like socialising at all, and just enjoy reading a book or playing guitar. I'm happy with myself.When we are together she gets very upset and starts saying it's OK for me, it's so easy for me, everyone likes me, I'm so talented etc etc. I'm running out of patience.a) it's not easy for me, life is tough, I have somehow got to work out why I can't sustain a proper relationship with a decent man at my age! I have got to work out why it is I don't want to settle down. I have got to blah blah blah...sort out my issuesb) even if it were easy for me, it's hardly my fault that it's not easy for her. I feel as though she blames me for her own confidence difficulties. I have reassured her so many times over the years, to the point where I hide my talents to stop her feeling bad.I'm tired of putting myself down in order to make her feel better, but it's become such a habitual activity, I don't know how to break this cycle. Today as I was leaving she gave me a few short replies and then went upstairs. 10 mins later she was down again with red eyes. I waited until she was alone (didn't want to discuss in front of her daughter etc) and asked if she was OK. She ran up to the bathroom and locked herself in. I asked if she was OK and after initially ignoring me she said 'yes' but would not make any further response. So I left the house as planned. My brother asked her husband what was wrong (I was thinking I'd done something terrible for her not to be speaking to me anymore) and he said it is this recurring theme where she thinks she is more boring than me etc. He doesn't know what to do about it either and says she gets into these terrible states about it.Help! Please advise. Many thanks.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2014): @Sage. Maybe you should think about people's feelings before making nasty remarks.
To the OP; i agree with Stevie J. It sounds like your sister could do with some kind of counseling.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (23 June 2014):
 Oh how sad for both of you.
you and your sister share one thing... PAIN.
you hurt for her
she hurts so much she can't see how she hurts you.
I agree she needs some counseling. Not sure she would go.
maybe she would consider going WITH YOU for a few sessions...sort of like couples counseling only it would be family counseling....
My older son is like this with my younger son but it's more because my older son is on the autistic spectrum and hates that he's not "normal"
everyone wants what they don't or can't have.
I would not put yourself down to please her.
IN fact, if she can't cope and won't get help there is no crime in distancing yourself from her (and let her know why... it might be just what she needs to fix it)
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A
female
reader, YoungButNotNaive  +, writes (22 June 2014):
 "Sounds to me like your sister is one HOT babe"Really? I didn't realize insecurity was attractive. I think most people would find it a turn off no matter how "hot" a person is. "and you are the consummate loser"A lot of people don't own a house, are single, and aren't "stereotypically" beautiful. I don't get how that makes someone a loser. To me a "loser" is someone who has a negative outlook on life yet won't do anything to change it, treats others poorly, won't put effort into anything they do, and won't take care of themselves. Instead they expect others to. (I'm excluding those who are actually unable to take care of themselves). Anyway, there is nothing in the OP's post that remotely suggests any of these things. OP- If you have already had multiple discussions with her about this, and it's had no effect, then it's time for her to see a therapist to get to the bottom of her insecurities. There is no "right" thing you can say to her that's going to make her feel better.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (21 June 2014):
 Maybe suggest to her to get some counseling? Or have her husband suggest it, if that would be less "dramatic".
I know siblings "compete" and "compare" themselves to each other, but she is beyond the norm.
She sounds like she could be suffering from depression.
You shouldn't HAVE to down play your talents or good sides so she can feel better. And you shouldn't have to constantly point out all the things she HAS/HAS achieved that you haven't.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2014): I'm not sure that's remotely helpful either, Sage.
For your life: have you considered adoption or a sperm donor? Or have you just decided not to have any children now? It's not too late if you want to and think you may regret it in a few years if you haven't started the process.
For your sister: I would ask your sister to spend more quality time with you (shopping, for example) and whenever she says something negative about herself, just say "that's not true" and continue the previous conversation or start a new one. Don't pander to it anymore. Also, ask her if she'd consider seeing a counsellor because it's not healthy for her to view herself this way.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2014): @SageOldGuy How disgusting. How was your comment helpful?
To the OP. Does your sister suffer from any mental health issues? I only ask because her behaviour seems rather odd for somebody her age. I'd expect a teenage girl to act like that but not a grown woman.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (21 June 2014):
 Sounds to me like your sister is one HOT babe!!!... and you are the consummate loser!!!!!!
What is the question? ....... really?
Good luck...
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