I have a best friend who is obsessed with sex. He talks about sex endlessly. He details everything he does with every guy (he’s gay). Every week there is someone new, every week the sex was amazing and without really checking I’m interested he will tell me in graphic detail. He sometimes will pursue people I’ve dated and seems kind of indifferent to the fact I was with them. He’s slept or tried to sleep with nearly all our close friends. He has tried to sleep with over 15 times over the first two years of our friendship. He falls “in love” maybe three times a year. He also gets obsessed by one night stands/hookups and feels a sense of ownership over them and upset if I want to date them. He doesn’t hesitate to get with people I’ve been with unless I explicitly tell him they are off limits. He’s a great guy in others ways, but the relationship makes me feel bad and in competition. I’ve told him this and asked to talk about other things but I think his whole life revolves around sex and his career. I’ve told him that it makes me uncomfortable that his friendships are all so integrated into his constant need for sex and validation from men. I feel like I’m in a constant competition with him and like wrestling with him for attention. It makes me feel terrible and inadequate and I not wanting to be around him.He gets upset and says I’m lecturing him and attacking his sexuality. I’ve told him the friendship would work better if we never speak about sex anymore.
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reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (7 November 2018):Honestly, OP
What do you get out of this "friendship"? Someone who doesn't respect your boundaries and go chasing after YOUR other friends for casual sex. So... in short someone using you to an extend.
I had a female friend who LOVED to relish in details about her sex life and the size of her BF's dick. And I can tell you this... it gets so repetitive to listen to. OK so he has a big dick.. great. So what? He also cheats on you but you can't dump him because of that big dick... what should you do? I would literally give me a headache talking to her on the phone because I was rolling my eyes so much. Until one day I started to change the subject EVERY TIME she started talking sex. It wasn't me being jealous, it just felt like her world was so narrow all it contained was sex, it was a one-way conversation as I never felt that I HAD to share comparisons or details. She didn't take the hint and I then just slowly started to become unavailable. I would let the answering machine screen my calls (this was before caller ID lol) and I stopped taking her calls, and stopped calling her. Maybe I should just have told her that I didn't see the pint in our friendship... but I didn't. Though I guess she took the hint and I didn't hear from again. And you know what? I was RELIEVED.
Not wanting to hear all the details doesn't make you a prude or jealous. HE is lacking some serious boundaries and social skills.
So decide if you actually get anything OUT of this friendship or if it's one to downgrade to casual acquaintance.
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reader, WiseOwlE + ♥, writes (7 November 2018):Your friend is the stereotypical promiscuous-gay; who hasn't yet learned how to connect his emotions to people. All he knows is immediate gratification; and bases his self-worth on his ability to attract men, and seduce them. He suffers arrested-development in his social and interactive-skills.
He can only connect with another human being on a physical level. Once his looks start to fade, he will become bitter and desperate. The "sad old queen" who chases younger-men; and tries to entice them into relationships that never last. They use their money and success as bait; and get played each and every-time. They think sex is all there is; and aging becomes their mortal enemy. They'll waste their entire youth on sexual-exploits; but won't learn how to develop healthy and meaningful-relationships. You're too old to still be running in that kind of social-group.
It's a weakness in our gay-culture. It's also due to narcissism, and a belief that you have be beautiful and seductive to be desirable or worthy. Some of us grow out of it; and some maintain that mindset, until they grow older. They'll hate life once they lose their physical-appeal. Then they become empty, mean, and bitter. Using endless sarcasm and snark as a facade for their pain.
Rather than maintaining a friendship that makes you feel bad; you have to use discernment, and employ good judgement of character in the friends you make. You shouldn't hang around people who are likely to rub-off on you in a negative-way. You'll also be judged by the company you keep. You'll miss-out on good romantic-prospects; assuming you're birds of a feather.
Everything you've described about him is what makes gay-culture so superficial and selfish. Ways that negate or neutralizes his better traits. You gave a list of everything that is the worst in gay-men.
When I mentioned earlier that we normally out-grow it; I meant that it's usually a rite of passage. A way to come to terms with your sexual-identity, and acceptance of your sexual-orientation. Rebellion against the prejudices of society. There are limits and responsibilities for all of us; regardless of sexual-orientation, or gender.
In our gay-youth, we all sow our wild oats! We don't have the benefit of parental-guidance from heterosexual parents; giving us advice or tips pertaining to forming healthy gay-relationships. They don't teach you how to deal with the downside of gay-culture. You basically learn as you go. Hopefully you meet some great gay mentors. If you have gay-parents, then you might have an advantage.
Many young gay-men are ill-equipped emotionally; and think being gay just means chasing dick and being pretty. They have no depth. We are still men; so our sexual-prowess is highly regarded by our peers. The more you can brag about, the higher you are on the social chain.
The younger and more handsome you are, the more you are envied or pursued. His illicit pornographic stories are effective; because he is appealing to your vanity. He's also challenging your insecurities, to promote more competition between you. He is a parasite, and he will steal and feed on your catch!
Unwittingly, you're being used! You possess the qualities and social graces he lacks, and he's riding on your coattails. Your friendship adds to his status. Deflecting from his usual bad-behavior and promiscuity. You're his storefront. More civilized and cautious.
You'd be better-off distancing yourself from guys like him. They're fine as far as meeting-up out on the town, going to concerts, and generally hanging-out. They aren't matured or refined enough to make good friends; because they don't respect your boundaries, or acknowledge limits you may set. He'll always cross the line, and won't apologize for it!
Your lectures may annoy him; but you are imparting wisdom on him, and it will do him some good in the long-run. For now, he is placing himself in the high-risk group for STD's. He can't enjoy the intimacy and warmth of lasting and meaningful-relationships. They will all be short-lived. Random brief-connections, or a series of failures. Until he grows-up, and uses the larger head on his shoulders.
Don't compete with him; educate him. If he's resistant to your wise advice, you should dump him as a friend. He'll soil your reputation, tamper with your relationships; and you'll spend more time in competition, than sharing true and fruitful-friendship.
He's bad news!
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reader, Code Warrior + ♥, writes (7 November 2018):Are you just telling us this or do you have an actual question? I guess I'm assuming that you want to either know how to get him to stop talking about sex or what to do about it if he won't.
Since you've already told him that you object to his constant sex talk, and he objected that you're lecturing him, it seems he's not going to stop.
So, that leaves you with a choice. Either to choose to keep the friendship and just continue to live with it, or you end the friendship or reduce it to a lower status. It seems to me that if a friend is making you feel bad about yourself and refuses to address your concerns, they're not much of a friend, so it would seem appropriate to at least reduce his status from friend to acquaintance and stop spending time with him.
Ultimately, you have to decide if his good qualities outweigh his bad qualities and then decide if you can live with his bad qualities. If you can live with his bad qualities, then do so and stop complaining. If you can't live with his bad qualities, then remove him from your life. Whatever you do, don't ask him to change. Trying to get someone to change for your sake is a fool's errand.
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