A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:This is a little uncomfortable to write, I'm not sure if I'm the problem or not.I've been in a relationship for 2 years and up until about 8 months ago it was really care free, relaxed, and just a joy really. Now, however, it's... I don't know. My partner lost their job last year and have had several jobs not stick since, since then they've changed. Naturally their self confidence took a hit and I put my best effort into just being there for them, maybe it wasn't enough I don't know.It began as A, what I'd call Now, a need for validation, little questions like "you love me right?" "Do you still find me attractive?" "Am I still sexy to you?" And quite honestly the answer was yes, losing a job isn't going to make me walk away, these things happen and I'm not going to hold something out of their control against them. Eventually at the end of every month I'd get a call at 2am from them panicking about problems in the relationship, I'd say very honestly that I felt there were no problems and would have to affirm that I wasn't looking to end it several times. Sometimes through their tears.If get these early calls quite a lot to a point I was losing so much sleep I was seeing things, so I set up the do not disturb on my phone and made sure to let everyone know it was to help me get sleep at night, since I have a group chat with members on different time zones it made sense. I'll get back to this. Next are the messages, I'm having some health problems that make intimacy quite painful for me, now initially my partner was very supportive but it began to degrade into regular messages of "you don't do *blank* anymore" I'd explain the pain it causes me and that would be that but now they're talking about 'sex torture' which I'm not comfortable with and once twisted my nipples so badly I burst into tears and they responded with "is it weird that your crying turned me On?" I didn't know what to say to that, still don't. There was also a time when they suggested dates for me to visit them at their place and I accepted those dates, my partner gave a very disaponted "Oh..." and explained along the lines of "I just thought you'd want more time with me" since I went with the dates they suggested I assumed that was when they were free, the dates weren't changed since I was feeling a little uncomfortable at this point. My partner then turned up a day before they were meant to pick me up and said they were hoping to take me to theirs that night, I said no since I hadn't even packed a bag or had a shower yet and when in bed that night they mumbled "I didn't think coming today would be THAT much of a problem" I apologised and explained I was just unprepared but that didn't seem to settle them until we got to theirs the Next day.Back to the 'do not disturb' last night there was a problem with my service provider meaning my partner couldn't get through to me for 2 hours, eventually messaging my mother to wake up and come check on me because he was worried, I explained the service problem to him on messenger and once I finally managed to get a call through to then, they shouted at me down the phone and demanded to put in my exceptions for do not disturb, I said no since if something did happen to me I live in a house with my mother and she would let him know if an emergency was taking place and also if he was trying to call me for ages then my do not disturb wasn't even on. We argued and it all settled down but this is the thing I'm noticing now, he acts all very loving after arguments, calling to talk about nothing for hours on end and I'm still feeling angry. I feel checked On, like the issue was never resolved but swept under the rug. Am I just being petty? Or clinging to the negatives? Or is there something going on here? Am I oversensitive? I don't know and any perspective would be appreciated.
View related questions:
confidence, lost his job, my ex, nipples Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2019): I'm offering a different point of view but I think OP you are being insensitive towards your bf. You only make his anxiety worse by cutting him off deliberately and making yourself inaccessible to him. Sorry but I think you are behaving in a cold and cruel way. Why don't you try putting yourself in his shoes? He's going through some tough times and you should be more supportive. I'd be ditching you if I were him.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2019): I'm offering a different point of view but I think OP you are being insensitive towards your bf. You only make his anxiety worse by cutting him off deliberately and making yourself inaccessible to him. Sorry but I think you are behaving in a cold and cruel way. Why don't you try putting yourself in his shoes? He's going through some tough times and you should be more supportive. I'd be ditching you if I were him.
...............................
A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (19 January 2019):
 OP I'm going to start by telling you to break up with this man immediately because I don't think there is any way of making this relationship work. This is his way of dealing with set-backs? He's an insecure, whiny, cruel asshole who is jealous of you, jealous of the fact that you have a successful career while he's unemployed and is taking his frustrations out on you. When I read that he pinched your nipples and then got a kick out of your pain, I realised then and there that I don't even want to read the rest of your post. I cannot even begin to tell you OP how much it bothers me when I see young women like you putting up with violence and abuse without even realising that it IS abuse.
I don't know if you've watched sex and the city but the way your boyfriend of behaving with you and hurting you, it reminds me of Jack Berger, the guy who broke up with Carrie over a post-it. He took her on a crazed motorcycle ride with Carrie fearing for her life, ignoring her pleas to stop just because he wanted to hurt her. Why? Because he couldn't stand her professional success and his failure. You're boyfriend is not much different.
Life will have hundreds of ups and downs and the downs will be devastating, debilitating and back breaking. Your partner should be someone who supports you, not hurts you and brings you down because they don't know any better.
This man is nothing but bad news. Stop putting up with him. You're not being petty or insensitive but you will be very very foolish if you don't break up with him after all this.
...............................
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (19 January 2019):
 NO, you are NOT being over-sensitive. You DO have a problem here. Don't let him gaslight you into believing YOU are the one at fault when he is very obviously controlling you and ABUSING you.
I suspect your partner's self confidence took a knock-back when he lost his job. Suddenly he was out of control of his life and this shook him up. Not having found a long-term job since (you don't say why the jobs don't last - HIS choice or the employers' choice), his self confidence is probably still shaky.
I would guess that, as he lost control in one part of his life, he started over-compensating in another, i.e. in his personal relationship with you. It's a bit like people who self harm because it is the only way they have of taking back control of a life they feel is out of their control. This is no excuse for his behaviour, just my guess at why it changed. The blowing hot & cold (arguing then being all sweetie sweetie afterwards) is all part of the controlling behaviour.
Sadly you cannot control how he behaves or acts. What you CAN do is decide NOW whether you want to tolerate his behaviour any longer. You are obviously not happy with it, so I would strongly suggest you make a conscious decision that you will NOT allow him to abuse you in this way (because, at the moment, you are enabling him to act in this way by tolerating it).
IF you still want to work at saving the relationship (which I feel you probably do as you play down what he does and are not even sure if there IS a problem), you need to draw boundaries which he is not allowed to cross and MEAN IT. For instance, he does NOT contact you after a given time at night, he does NOT drain your energy by asking for constant reassurance that you still love him, and he most certainly does NOT inflict physical pain on you. Then you need to be STRONG and, any time you feel he is not respecting these boundaries, you need to call it a day and walk away - for YOUR sake. You are worth better.
...............................
A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (19 January 2019):
 Oh yeah he’s changed for sure and it’s not in a good way. It does sound like he may have slipped into some kind of depression since losing his job and he’s scared that you’ll walk away. Constantly having to reassure someone is tiring. Not a job that a lot of people have patience with and to be quite honest you shouldn’t have to be doing. They either feel content with how you treat them or they don’t.
I have to agree with honeypie I got a little confused at some points who you were talking about due to the way you worded things. I’m assuming it’s always your partner? If not then further clarification would be needed.
He needs to understand that you need to sleep, everyone does. He can’t ring you at stupid times expecting you to be happy to speak for hours on end about nothing. No one wants that, it’s not just you! 2 hours really isn’t a long time to not here for someone so for him to call your mother is odd. Sounds to me like he’s using that as a way to check up on you rather than actually worrying about your well being. I think he may be getting paranoid that you’re cheating on him, if so I’d say the end of the relationship is near as all he will do is try to cling on even more which is more than likely going to push you away as his behaviour becomes desperate.
The nipple twisting? What the fuck. You tears turn him on? Beyond creepy. Personally for me that’s getting towards enough of a reason alone to leave him. Just because it’s in a sexual setting doesn’t make it ‘kinky’ or acceptable. That’s as good as him bending your arm out of position until you cried because it turns him on seeing you in pain. That’s all kinds of fucked up.
Personally I think the end of the relationship is in sight. I don’t think he will get any better without councilling. If he’s not willing to go I’d be ready to walk. He’s showing behaviour of being depressed, controlling and abusive! Proceed with caution.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (19 January 2019):
 Some of your post doesn't make sense to me. If you could elaborate?
"There was also a time when they suggested dates for me to visit them at their place and I accepted those dates, my partner gave a very disapointed...."
WHO are "they"?
Are you using some "political correct term " of Them/their pronoun instead of he/him - she/her? Are we talking someone who is transitioning here? On hormones perhaps? Like a "biological female" on testosterone?
It's not making sense?! Or am totally off the mark?
-----------------
I see several red flags here.
1. Things were fine for roughly 18 months or a year and a half and then he lost his job and started to act not only needy but weird. Sexually aggressive and DEMEANING to you. and then the whole manipulation stick. Making DAMNED sure that you FEEL so BAD for him that you won't walk away even if he treats you like shit.
And AFTER the argument he is all sweet again, that is actually borderline ABUSER behavior. It's like when a physically abusive man (or woman) is all sweet and apologetic AFTER he (she) hits his (her) partner. It's a TOTAL mind fuck. It's a little akin to gas-lighting but in behavior not verbal. Where YOU (general you) IGNORES the BAD behavior (to an extend) because they are being OH SO SWEET afterwards. The fact that YOU are apologizing for things you shouldn't HAVE to apologize for.
You (I bet) would NOT have tolerated this kind of SHIT if you didn't already felt BAD because he lost his job and haven't been able to KEEP another on the last 8 months.
I see two possible explanations for his behavior.
1. mental issues that were under control up until 8 months ago. Likely he is OFF his meds. Like WiseOwlE pointed out.
or
2. Drug issues.
You might think NAH, he wouldn't do drugs! I would know! But I can tell you that YES, someone CAN be on drugs and you not know it. At least not until they REALLY spin out.
I have seen it.
BOTH things doesn't bode well for you or the relationship.
If you work full time and him calling at odd hours is not conducive for you getting sleep you NEED to explain that to him. He is a GROWN ass man who should KNOW that you NEED to sleep to function at work. Him calling at all kind of odd hours is almost like he is trying to sabotage YOU or the relationship.
And I think YOU need to put your foot down and don't "ignore" the truth out of "pity". I think you NEED to set some FIRM boundaries. And you need to NOT beat around the bush. Your PARTNER deserves the truth, not platitudes.
If you have issue with "their/his/her" behavior YOU need to have a talk about it. Or it will escalate.
I would love to write a longer answer but I kind of feel that I need to you elaborate why you are using the "them/they term" instead of him/her. Because I think it might matter more than you think.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2019): I totally forgot about the titty-twisters and weirdness.
Anything you don't like, say so. You don't have to hold-back when people introduce painful or over-the-top sexual-activities into your relationship. If it's not mutually pleasurable, it ain't happening! It's a no-go!
Total honest usually resolves relationship problems. Provided you get to the point, don't wait until you're forced to be honest through anger; and you talk, rather than try to communicate through shouting and yelling each other down.
The weird sex is out. That's that!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2019): Found another typo:
"He has been unable to hold-down jobs ever since; which might lead to the suspicion that he is showing signs of anxiety, and symptoms of depression."
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2019): I meant to say:
"For some people, they feel their self-worth and success is entirely attributed to their job or profession."
"I must say your reaction is more like he's being a little bitch about it."
Post script:
I think deep-down you're embarrassed for him; but trying not to show it. You're masking your disappointment; but the fact he knows you so well, he can see through you. he knows what you're thinking but not saying.
He should write DC! Suggest he get a medical-checkup first!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2019): For some people, their self-worth and success is entirely to their job or profession. It defines who they are, validates them, it's their livelihood, and symbolizes their level of productivity and success.
Their greatest reward in life, is to receive a promotion! They thrive by counting on a weekly or biweekly paycheck. If all this is taken-away, they'll lose all perspective; and for some, their minds. It's a kick in the gut!
We all respond differently in these situations. When that well-established daily-routine is discontinued; it sends shock-waves through our lives. It's disruptive and shocking. There is something in his past tied to this. Maybe a past family-issue. A tough father, or overbearing mother; who considers being fired (or losing your job) characteristic of a loser. Therefore, he lost his self-confidence. His self-esteem has tanked. You don't mention that he has ever behaved this way before. He now measures his value by how you perceive him as a man.
Never judge others by your own strengths and ability to cope with certain events.
Just because he's a man doesn't mean he can't be totally broken over a mishap in his life. Such things affect men quite differently from women. We tend to suppress or internalize most of our emotions; but they usually manifest in some type of anger or rage. Being a "good-provider" is something drummed, conditioned, and drilled into males from the time we first take a job. Your manhood and viability as a male is completely contingent on being gainfully-employed.
If he grew-up in a household that placed heavy emphasis on work-ethic, he was taught you're nothing if you don't have a job. I'll also share a little secret with you; he may be very ashamed of why he might have been terminated. Did he share the details, or just so happen to be vague about it?
He has sense been unable to hold-down jobs ever since; which might lead to the suspicion that he is showing signs of anxiety, and symptoms of depression. So much so, it may have affected his work-performance; or his anxiety was so evident that it became a concern to his employer.
If he feels unfairly discharged; it seems his whole world has come crashing-down. He assumes you're secretly disappointed; but he's projecting his own shame onto you.
You need a sit-down to iron-out a few things. Reassure him that his status of employment, nor his job-termination; is affecting how you feel about him. His recent behavior and insecurity is what seriously concerns you. Ask him to explain what's going on with him; and give him a chance to vent and pour-out his soul. Don't do it over the phone. He apparently has no friends; or he wouldn't be dumping all his sorrows on you.
You might even suggest that he write DC. I found expressing and sharing my problems with these delightful people and readers did me a world of good.
You're not at all being petty. I do believe you've been somewhat evasive; because I don't think you know what advice to offer him. He's your boyfriend, you should have been more honest about how his unusual behavior has you puzzled. Stop acting as though you're unaware and dodging any confrontation on the matter. He's desperate and totally devastated. He's grieving and losing perspective; because he doesn't exactly know what to do.
I think he should seek some professional-counseling to determine if he is suffering an anxiety-disorder. Just a physical checkup with his doctor is enough. Unless he is already diagnosed and under treatment.
I will even venture to speculate that he is already diagnosed with a mental-health disorder; and may be due some treatment. He may need to schedule therapy sessions, and maybe his doctor might evaluate rather he may need prescribed medication.
I must say your reaction is more like he's being a bitch about it. Maybe not intentionally; but if I'm reading it that way, perhaps he is too.
...............................
|
