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female
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*abu
writes: It was in 2003 when I started seeing the man I love. He had a bad relationship and was going to break up. Let me just say we were friends before lovers. He told the girl it was over, she had a stroke that night and has brain damage. He moved me and my children into his house, but he continues to stay with her. He says its like a sister that's he's playing nursemaid for, taking care of extra finances, and yard and maintenance work. Her family hates him and he them. In the meantime we work together now and see each other every day. He comes down to the house for short times, we go on vacations together, he wants to get married and have a child of our own. In the meantime she calls 20 times a day, and if she should get sobby he drops work or whatever he is doing to run there.I know he loves me and my family, but I'm not so sure he will ever leave her. His friends say he needs to take his own happiness off the back burner, but he says he must do this, he isn't holding me against my will. Understand I will soon be 40 and I want every precious minute with him I can get. I love him with all my heart, but I'm ready for a break down. Please Advise..
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2005): I'm sorry this is happening to your boyfriend. He sounds like a very giving, responsible person who carrying a an unecessary burden of guilt. The reluctance to let go of the past with what happened to his ex is preventing him from getting on with life and dealing with the future. He's stuck in an unhealthy guilt cycle, he needs to reflect carefully on the guilt feelings and ask: are they authentic? Is the guilt out of proportion? Are they holding onto guilt for too long, punishing themselves for something they feel responsible for that occurred, that he realistically did not cause.Once someone recognizes that guilt is unhealthy it won't necessarily melt away. Rather, they have to make a conscious effort to gently, firmly, and consistently stop guilty thinking. Gradually, when guilt loses its hold, they can devote more energy toward creatively living in the present and more freely moving toward the future.
What I find so disturbing is the way his ex-girlfriend feeds off his guilt in such a unhealthy, co-dependent manner. She's guilt-tripping him, bigtime-does he not recognize that. She appears to be skilled at using what she knows how to work that to her benefit in keeping him full of elf-doubts, anxious, and in a submissive position. Guilt is her weapon of choice. He's giving up fa loving home & family to live with her, is in my mind, that is sad. It sounds like he's paid his dues to her...it's time for him to let her family pick up the slack in caring for her. He's going to have come to this conclusion on his own and make the final break. I think he need a profesional to step in and help him realize how he is being taken advantage of.
You have been incredibly patient...more so than most of us. You are entitled to a loving, devoted relationship with him. and I think it's time you got "tough" with him and make your own demands known. The ex girlfriend's time is done. That is easier said than done, though. She will hang onto him for dear life and in any way she can. He is the one who will just have to tell her "it's done..over"
If he's not willing to do this for you...then perhaps you need to think about going and making a life of your own elsewhere for your own sense of well-being and the healthy betterment of your family.
Good luck and take care
A
reader, pops +, writes (22 July 2005):
Find a psychiatrist to talk to your bf. He is suffering from guilt because the little guy in the back of his head is telling him he caused his ex to have that stroke by breaking up with her. He's wrong, of course, but people go through this kind of guilt and grief all the time, particularly when someone close commits suicide. He is not alone, and you are correct. For his own mental health, he needs to leave her, and let her family take over her care. She is obviously out of the woods, and speaks well enough to be able to ring your phone off the hook. Enough! And you have not helped the situation by being so " nice ", about it to him. I am not recommending a shouting match or fight, but I do think you owe yourself and your children the effort to sit down with him and tell him how you feel. If he won't act, or get professional help, then I think you need to move out of his house, and start life without him. He's walking wounded, right now, but he needs professional help that you can't give him. Be as tough for him as you would be for your own children. That is what love is about, also.
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