A
female
 ,
anonymous
writes:My partner of nearly 2 years has spent the last 15 years simply having one night stands with girls he knows a little or has just met. He is faithful to me and I do trust him but the problems of his habits are still there for other reasons:He is in the mindset that sex is all about him. I know he doesn't do it on purpose and he wants to pleasure me, in fact he is quite a giving lover. However, he just can't seem to get past the fact that sex is about his orgasm and his pleasure and not of the person he is with. I suppose after years of this being acceptable, as these girls are not expecting mind blowing sex, simply some acceptance and attention from anyone that will give them it, I don't know how to change this. We make love and I want it to be different. He tries to last longer to make it good for me but this doesn't work: it's all psychologically about his pleasure!Help from men and women would be appreciated please. Thanks
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2007): For it to change you have to be able to effectively communicate what you feel is wrong and he has to want to change to accomodate you.
Why hasn't things changed to the way you want them to so far? Have you talked about this to him, how does he reply? does he at least try? can you take things more slowly. Sometimes couples go straight in to sex and they forget about the smaller, yet more intimate things that two people can do together. If your partner has 15 years of one night stand sex then I am guessing he has probably never truely been intimate with anyone. Perhaps you need to go back to basics and lay off the penetrative sex, and inside, concentrate on the more nurturing, loving and romantic side. That is if such a side exists?
A sex therapist would likely suggest something along these lines. You would probably both agree to ban each other from touching each others genital areas and orgasms for both of you are not allowed. You would set yourself a period of time, a few weeks, a month, perhaps, and you will concentrate on massage, touch, kissing. You have to stop it from being sexual. I think you could set your own boundaries.
That is how a therapist is likely to suggest a way of changing.
I am of course, assuming that your partner actually wants to do this. If he has this long of associating sex with his orgasm he has a tremendous amount of self-control to get and a lot to learn about how you really show affection and give pleasure to someone you love, not just lust.
All the best :)
A
female
reader, ingotblue +, writes (9 January 2007):
 Hiya, well I think you will need to take a little initive here, encouragement is always good! when he does something you like tell him its good.
Try a litle teasing, it will take a few weeks and you will need to be strong in this!
firstly you need to indulge in simple things like have him bathe you, have him explore your body while he is washing you. Getting to know you intimately in a non sexual way DO NOT GIVE IN TO SEX!!
Have a romantic candle lit dinner with no sex at the end of it and talk, communication is always good.
then when you feel you have got to know each other better then you can move on to the next level.
Get dressed up in a really sexy way in a way you know he will be turned on.
Then take the dominating role and tell him that when you have been satisfied he will recieve his just deserts and we all know that you will make it worth his while!!
Tell him what you like and how best to turn you on but tell him that if he rushes he will not recieve the best you can give, you will need to be strong.
I am not telling you to be a complete bitch but just to open his eyes to what a sexual godess you reall are.
I wish you all the luck in the world and I hope I have helped even just a little
xx
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