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My partner has constant sexual fantasies about other women!

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Question - (1 October 2005) 14 Answers - (Newest, 27 March 2014)
A female , *eacefulgrl5 writes:

I have a boyfriend. We are both 47. We have a wonderful sex life. I love him dearly and he loves me too. The problem is that he has constant sexual fantasies when he sees a woman anywhere. In the Store, library, etc. He finds me attractive, so I don't understand. He is honest with me, but it hurts me so bad. His fantasies go so far that he has to bring himself to orgasm after this happens. My heart is broken. Please help me.

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A male reader, nevertosettleagain United States +, writes (27 March 2014):

Ok whom ever said it was NORMAL to think of sex with another while actively engaged in a sex with your spouse is in denial. Marriage, fidelity, is a state of mind. If you don't marry your fantasy you will cheat in some form or fashion. The brain , The body WILL eventually get its needs met, as does anyone. Its up to each individual to be adult and not settle for norhing less rhan your fantasy. If you don't you will Always be looking over your shoulder and wanting another. There is a difference in looking at an attractive person in appreciation but when you can't stop mentally having sex or bringing another face in your bedroom, you are USING the person you say is your intimate partner.

Its no different than a gay man of years past marrying a woman to have a life but then fulfilling his longing for a man either in fantasy or in a real physical way. That is selfish and you are using anothers life to fix your own.

That is messed up dude. And further more its just men , women do this selfish thing too.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2011):

My husband claims he does not fantasize about other people while we are having sex but I know he does, cos it's different when he does it. I'm hurting cos I feel used ( if that makes any sense) I have a supposedly beautiful marriage but my friends don't know that after they visit I don't want to have sex with him on that day cos I'm afraid he will be "sleeping" with them in his head and not me.

It's sad really cos we do have a great sex life but recently I've taken to question his reaction to me. The sad thing is once that thought enters you head, it's hard to get rid of it. These days I refrain from forcing him to say my name or open his eyes and look at me cos I don't want to come across as insecure ( which I am!!!lol!)

Have I told him what I feel? Well, I went about it the wrong way by yelling at him that he fancied a friend of mine cos of the way our sex life changed when she came to visit (high voltage and way more than we did normally ) he thought I was warped to think that way and said that for me to say that, then I do it ( sad case is I tried it recently but couldn't think of anyone I fancy more than him, sad,

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A male reader, Nohbody358 United States +, writes (16 December 2008):

Ok I dont know where to start. Im not going to defend men here or sympathize with women on this. I can only go by what I am going through. I came across this column cause I actually want to stop thinking about other women. I love my girlfriend (of six years) with all of my heart and cant imagine life without her. And I actually hurt when I think about having sex with another woman. we have a healthy sex life. we use to have sex all the time then I noticed I am not always wanting to have sex. I get excited about other women but would never go as far as even flirting cause i feel i would wrong her. I want to stop period but i cant there is no switch ill fantasize then when im done im flooded with guilt cause i want it to be about her. weve talked extensively about a 3 sum and she is curious and willing to try but i dont want to because of the fact that i know she would be jealous and always worry about it. so ive said time and time again no. I have gone online and looked at women for casual encounters online but never talked to them cause i dont want to cheat on my girlfriend so all i do is look and like a broken record i hate myself for it. I will never tell her about everything about this cause i would rather feel the guilt then her cause i dont want her to worry. i know i will always be faithful and im trying everything i can to stop what im thinking, but believe me when i tell you we cant just turn it off, but i guess i wanted you all to know that there are men that are haunted by this as well. thank you for reading this.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2008):

I think most men and women fantasise about other people while making love.It doesnt mean I love my partner less when I fantasiseabout him with another woman,its soo erotic.We recently had a threesome over seas with another woman and our sex life is even better now :)..

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2008):

Anybody who claims they have not had fantasies about someone other than their spouse is an out and out liar this is well said and true

For those of you who ask your spouse to be honest with you and then act so heartbroken when they are, I say you should be greatful that they felt close enough to you to be honest.

This as happend to me a few times and it annoys the hell out of me women ask me i tell them the truth and i get bullshit 4 it.

((I mean if you had a good relationship you'd be honest with them too. Instead you want to act like your innocent, hide you fantasies and punish them for being honest. Shame on you.)))

This is definatly the case with me i am tired of being punished 4 my fantasys i LOVE my women with all my heart and yea i dream of other women and i would never compare her 2 any other women

Thats right i love my women to death but i still like other women

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A female reader, noonespecial2 Australia +, writes (20 February 2008):

I think you have very right to feel hurt by your partner's fantasies. Your feelings are your feelings and they are not wrong or right. I think it is the height of rudeness to fantasise about another outside of your relationship. I believe that there are too many justifications about Men being Men, it's a male thing, it's genetics, all justifying poor behaviour. It is not acceptable to me as I think it is the height of disrespect. I know that not all Men do this and that they are not liars. I think if I stayed in a relationship such as this, I would be betraying myself. I deserve and want to be treated better and can only achieve this if I aim for that. I believe that people who do fantasise outside of their relationships deserve respect too and to be accepted and not judged. I also think that it is my right to be treated with the respect as I know that I am worthy.

I wonder whether the issue of sexual addiction is known enough. I also wonder whether the fantasising outside of a relationship is an indication of a person with an intolerable life and self perception that needs escaping from. Everyone has the right to be loved the way they want to be and maybe your partner loves you the only way he knows how. I guess you need to think about what you need to feel loved and if you are compromising yourself then maybe you are not loving yourself enough by tolerating this type of behaviour. I also wonder if the shoe was on the other foot, how would it feel.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2007):

I am 24 years old, and I am 6 months pregnant. My boyfriend and the father of the baby, is a big competitive cross country skier. He travels all over the place to compete. I heard all kinds of stories about him pursuing another woman, that apparently has no interest about him, but they see each other at every race. Ever since he got back from the last one, he's been different, I can tell he's fantasizing about her, she's in his thoughts, cause he's just been out of it! We don't even make love anymore. I confronted him, and as usual, he made it seem like its nothing. I'm just so devastated cause I feel if a man truly loves you, he wouldn't go around trying to pursue or fantasize about another woman. I know I don't have anyone in mind but him, and I have met a lot of nice guys from med school. It's so confusing!!!!

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2007):

Anybody who claims they have not had fantasies about someone other than their spouse is an out and out liar. For those of you who ask your spouse to be honest with you and then act so heartbroken when they are, I say you should be greatful that they felt close enough to you to be honest. Apparently they felt your relationship was in better shape than it really was. I mean if you had a good relationship you'd be honest with them too. Instead you want to act like your innocent, hide you fantasies and punish them for being honest. Shame on you.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2007):

Hi, i to have just had this talk with my husbad. we have been married for 25 years. and never once did it come to me that he would do this. so i was/am devistated. It seems that all my mates for the past 25 years have been fair game in his head, women at the school where our chuldren went also. he has told me that it has been houses that he's worked on,women he's had converstions with. any female is fair game for his male brain. so i pushed it further and asked the question "what do you do in these thoughts and what are they doing?" well he answered very truthfully and it hurts like hell. It feels like these have been affairs as some of these thoughts have been going on for years with the same person. i feel like i can never have a female mate again. we have a very good sex life[every day] so this is so horride for me. i ask myself while we are having sex is it me he's thinking of or her? that makes me want to do the same, but then i cant cos im to busy looking for signs that it is her. its very hard. I never would have thought that this would happen to us, as we are so close, but i am so deeply hurt by this. its like my whole life has been a lie, i watch him while he's driving to see if he looks at other women,or if we eat out i watch him. its taken over all my thoughts. i know that some people reading this will say well you asked him. But it truly feels like an affiar. I mean come on if the shoe was on the other foot how would he feel? having asked him he says " he would never talk to me again" so he does no how it feels but how do you get over some thing like this?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2006):

Wow! Irish good work. I speak for myself here but I have plenty of sexual fantasy's about people other that my husband. That poor female anonymous sounds like she doesn't use the full potential of her brain for pleasure...only pain.

I wish my husband would tell me more of his sexual fantasy's; I get off on it. I'd tell him mine too if he could handle it.

P.S. We've only been together ten years but we still do it two (at least) times a day, even after two babies.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2006):

True story, right now my girlfriend just asked me if I masturbate over other women. She said, "is it just me, or others, it's ok! Tell me". Now there have been issues about telling the truth etc, so I said "you and others". The s**t hit the fan. She says she doesn't want me anymore, that's it. My advice, women don't ask that question, men don't answer it honestly.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2005):

No offence taken, anonymous. I really do appreciate and respect your individual viewpoints. You make some very good, valid points. Thanks for your input...

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2005):

Sorry but I must totally disagree with the above post.....Women are just as capable of seperating sex from love as men. Men have simply indulged in this behaviour for millenia without women saying too much about it. I personally think this is a big red flag....I dont think any woman would be happy hyaving sex with a man and thinking he's fantasising about another women......(Im not sure how the poster can feel ok about that but I couldnt).

This idea that pops up about mens visual differences and the whole men need to spread their seed and thats why they behave like this (that is so often discussed in society) is a lot of rot. If this is true and its all biological it makes sense that women would be the ones wanting variety ...after all haveing several men sire our children offers a wider gene pool and greater chance of survival for our children.

IMO men will only stop this rubbish when we women are secure enough to stand up for ourselves and say.....'I dont like porn, I dont like the fact that you masterbate over other women....if your not satisfied with me sod off.....

Lets see how soon they change their 'inbuilt behaviour when they completely no access to real life women and are forced to survive on porn and fantasy.

I hope I havent offended Irish. Ive seen your posts before and reckon you offer some great advice but we women need to start making men accountable when they behave disgustingly...

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A reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2005):

There are some basic sexual differences between men and women that is very hard for us women to understand about men and sex. Men do fantasize a great deal about having sex with other women. This is just the way they are. However, unlike your partner, many men are discreet about "actually telling" their partners about such fantasies. Fantasy and different attitudes about sex are two very big sexual differences between men and women. You see, men have this ability to separate sex and love and have sex for the sake of sex alone, and that's it. Women can rarely seperate sex and love. Woman are more "hardwired" to combine their emotions of love with the act of sex. For this reason, you are finding it hurtful to hear him talk about his fantasies to you.

Men daydream about sex with various partners and in various situations. Men masturbate while indulging these fantasies. Men add spice to lovemaking by fantasizing about someone other than the current sexual partner. It sounds like your fellow has a lot of sexual vigor and I'm sure he will always reserve that sexual poweress, just for you. Talk to him kindly and ask him to refrain from telling you how he sexualizes other women, in front of you.

Let him know it does hurt you. From what you are saying, he does love you and you two share a great sex life. Just open the channels of communication and come forth with your feelings. Hopefully in the future, he will keep his fantasies to himself...except of course...the fantasies he has about YOU. Take care and stay happy.

Hugs,

Irish

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