A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My long term partner (Me: 29F and Him: 32M) had an affair with a recently married woman, lasting about a month that I am aware of. They were family friends, I bartended her brother's wedding, etc. She and I were "friends". Long story short: I had a gut feeling that something was off, and he had made me feel like I was crazy, so I ended up setting up a recording device on a day that I knew the two of them could potentially be hanging out. Got 100% undeniable evidence. The advice I am looking for isn't for my now EX artner and I. I know that what happened and the severity of his lies are beyond repair. There is no going back. However, after this entire situation was exposed; I emailed the other woman and told her she needed to be honest with her husband, or I would do it for her. She immediately confessed and told me such. I forwarded the emails to her husband just to make sure; because I couldn't obviously trust her at all. I offered to send him the recording, which he at first wanted and then later on changed his mind, and that was that. This was about a month and a half ago.Since then, I've been getting the whole trickle-truth from my ex. I'm just so fed up with it and have basically just said at this point I know he's a liar and I'll never believe anything given how much he's hidden so far. Slowly, he's admitted more and more about who he is and what he did. This past weekend he admitted to meeting her at her work the day after everything was revealed; essentially to get their stories straight. He told me that the other woman told her husband that they only kissed, nothing more. They definitely had sex at least twice.My dilemma is: Do I tell the husband? He took her back pretty quickly and I was surprised by this; but if that's what he thinks happened it makes sense. He already knows something happened and I can't imagine he'd be fool enough to think it was REALLY just kissing, right?Or could this be will full ignorance? This is how he is coping? I don't know. I just don't want to cause more harm to him than necessary as he was a victim in all of this, too. Additionally, it could be that he wasn't silly enough to believe her and got the truth himself, it has been some time. I just feel like I'd want to know if my newlywed wife had an affair within two months of marriage and still lying about it. Especially if that was stopping me from getting tested for STDs and such. Should I tell him? I am so torn.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2015): Did you send the husband all the emails detailing their back and forth communication during their entire affair?
Then that should be enough.
I know that you want blood for the terrible thing this b#tch did to you and your marriage but I think your making her tell her husband and sending him the emails was a good move. The spouse does have a right to know what happened and to know what kind of person they are married to. And then make their own decision.
Now she is his problem to deal with.
Their marriage won't last. It will break down because even if he chooses to delude himself and stumble along with the sun in his eyes he will soon be eaten up by his lack of trust in her. This lack of trust is going to destroy their relationship and WILL cause the demise of their marriage sooner or later... That or the fact he catches her fvcking her next conquest, which is highly likely with cheaters.
Sorry you went through this. But work on healing yourself now and letting go. Don't let this experience change your own heart. Focus on your life. It's a good thing you found out that your ex husband was not worthy of you. Somebody else will be.
I guarantee their life is never going to be the same. They are going to have a lot of work to do. She is going to hate that part. No more excitement, no more fun, all HARD WORK. That is not going to appeal to someone who is addicted to the thrill of an affair. She has already proven she seeks to escape her problems instead of wanting to work on them. Her new reality will never compare to her forbidden fantasy that she has now lost. Never. And soon she will be off seeking a replacement for your ex husband. Her poor husband.
That is justice enough.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2015): Just for your information, recording their voice could land you in jail, and you get fine for every minute of recording! If your boyfriend or the other woman or her husband are aware of this they could go after you. So for your own safety I think it's better to stop.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2015): Yeah just tell him. Say, "I got more of the story. And I thought you should know as I would want someone to let me know. X,y, z happened and they had sex a bunch of times times. They still do."
Just drop the bomb just like that.
Truth is if he hasn't already dumped her, he is probably not going to. That's how guys/people like that are. Some people are forgiving of that. Not only that but he's got other pressures he is dealing with that keep him tied to this woman. Such as the fact that they just recently married. His manhood is being challenged here. Should he end things with her, he'd have to explain to everybody that he married a woman who fucks other men. Thats humiliating. He may not want to deal with that at the moment. So he opts instead to ignore this and move forward instead.
As for you, I understand how you feel. In part you want to make sure this b*tch gets her karma. And you know the biggest blow to her will be by her husband if and when he dumps her and disowns her. You want to make sure she gets what she deserves.
Unfortunately, sometimes karma unfolds in ways different than how we want them to.
So I mean do inform him of what you know but don't expect it to change anything. Just because nothing changes initially doesn't mean she won't get her karma. She will! But most likely, you will have no control over when or how that happens. Her karma is out of your hands.
But do tell him. Like you said, you would want someone to tell you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2015): I'm the original poster, just want to update...
I am more so leaning towards leaving it be. He knows SOMETHING happened and its his choice to believe his lying wife... I just worry about her getting pregnant and not telling the truth (in the recording they talk about pregnancy worries and how bad that would be.. Nothing was protected, she's not on birth control because her and the husband were trying to get pregnant).
I think you are all right. I'll leave it alone... If he wants more info, he will talk to me. Thanks all.
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A
male
reader, SensitiveBloke  +, writes (25 March 2015):
 Would you want to know if your spouse cheated on you? Of course you would, and you would have every right to know.
This man has the same right to know. What he does with that information is his decision.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2015): The guy may already know and chose to forgive. You could send your evidence anonymously to the guy without any communication to him. Then again, you are not the morality police such that he has to dump her the way you did your ex.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (25 March 2015):
 I think you have done enough. I do not think it's your place to be the morality police for this couple.
You left your ex and that's your choice.
You can't know what goes on in another person's marriage or why they do what they do and it's not your place to make their choice for them either.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (25 March 2015):
 Err **EDIT*
I wrote:
YOUR your crap to sort out.
Should have said:
NOT your crap to sort out!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2015): MMM, IF I were the husband I'd LOVE to know...
The thing is-how much does he know from YOU? As in the e-mails,did you tell him that it was an affair or not?
If not-you can just say that you've got new info and you believe he might have been exposed to STDs,so he better go check himself (no more details).
He KNOWS about the tape and WISHES NOT to see it.
The thing is who he CHOOSES to believe: you OR his wife? And that's his choice.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (25 March 2015):
People handle infidelity in different ways. He doesn't NEED the details FROM YOU to decide what he wants to do. You have no idea how detailed an account the wife has given him. If they have sought counseling or not.
Since you have decided to NOT stay with your guy (which I agree with) I'd work on the after-effect HIS infidelity has had on you. NOT worry about this guy and his wife. He knows, he has chosen to forgive, you chose not to.
HIS marriage, HIS choice.
YOUR relationship, YOUR choice.
And while you and I do not agree with the cheating, WE are NOT the morality Police.
This guy is not living in "blissful" ignorance. And his marriage will NEVER be the same, but again... HIS choice.
You keep hounding them, it might seem like you have an axe to grind and drama to make then wanting him to know out of concern.
The wife will HAVE to live with the fact that she MAY not have told the whole truth, which means SHE is living a lie. YOUR your crap to sort out.
Focus on you and moving on.
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A
female
reader, MSA +, writes (25 March 2015):
 I believe you've done your part. Why are you insisting on pursuing it further? Would you like to see their marriage fall apart?
Damage is done. The husband knows. He can choose to do something about it or to do nothing. It appears he chose to forgive her. So why do you keep pressing at it?
Let it go. You dealth with your ex your way, let them deal with it their way.
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A
male
reader, TheDifferentTake +, writes (25 March 2015):
For the pain that their affair has caused you, i think you have the right to inform her husband. At the forefront of most people minds are going to be her husbands feelings, knowing how hurt you felt.. Which is a tough decision.
Your best option, if you decided to leave him would be, too not show anymore emotion to the situation and walk away with your head up and planning the future.. Safe in the knowledge that things will start to crumble around them sooner or later.
But if you can't leave him, like so many women for so many reasons, let her husband have the recordings, surely protecting her is the last thing on your mind..
Be firm and direct when dealing with the whole situation and try to cut off feelings and be logical..
Hopes this helps,
C
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A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (25 March 2015):
I think you've already told him and your part is done. Doing more just means you want to intentionally destroy their marriage and that is something that will not end well for anyone including yourself.
While you do feel this way, it is that man's choice if he wants to forgive his wife or not. The only reason you feel this way is because you keep hearing more and more tales from your ex which makes it feel like the cheating happened yesterday. If he is your ex you should not be answering his calls or even having any communication for that matter. People like this who are overly sorry and confessive of their actions are really not sorry at all. If he was truly sorry, he would be the one to the husband that the two of them had sex.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (25 March 2015):
 I suppose in the recording there were either sexual noises or plans to do it. I would not share because the husband chooses not to know. There are people who are in the category of "if you cheated don't ever let me know." He has to deal with the trust issue himself. He knows there is a possibility, or even probably that they had sex but he doesn't want images stuck in his head. He feels it's worth it to forgive her and just focus on the good in the marriage. Sending him the recording won't necessarily make him divorce her but just cause him pain.
You and the married woman are not really friends so you can't tell her to straighten up or you would show him hard evidence. If you want closure from this I would burn the tape and move on from the three people.
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A
female
reader, like I see it +, writes (25 March 2015):
 Sorry to hear you are dealing with all this!
To answer your question... well, you're more familiar with your ex's health history and sexual past/habits than anyone who answers this question can be. So if you think this woman's husband is now at risk for STDs after she slept with your ex, then yes, I would suggest to the husband that he get tested.
Otherwise, I'd leave it alone, as what he chooses to forgive is between him and his wife.
Hope this helps. Good luck and best wishes moving forward from this.
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