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My partner for 3 years loves me. Would it be wrong to take a chance with another man who I've loved for 27 years?

Tagged as: Big Questions, Breaking up, Crushes, Dating, Flirting, Three is a crowd, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (7 June 2017) 14 Answers - (Newest, 19 June 2017)
A age 41-50, * writes:

Dear Cupid,

I have recently been contacted by the man I've been in love with for 27 years.

There are songs I couldn't listen to, our anniversary date that I still hold dear to my heart. I hadn't laid eyes on him in 18 years and that one time was at a mutual friends funeral. He came with his wife. It was hard to see him with someone else even then. He gave me a hug and I held on as tightly and as long as he would let me.

He has been married to a woman that has given him 2 children for 22 years.

They are grown now. She is also very verbally abusive and he has put up with it for all these years.

I know from what he's told me and from a mutual friend who confirms it.

He wants a divorce and is currently taking steps moving in that direction.

He says he doesn't want to disrupt my life but he still thinks of me a lot. He says it's always been me that he's loved, his wife even knows this. I know she does.

I am finally in a relationship for 3 years with a wonderful man that is very good to me. I love him...

But not like my old flame makes my heart ache. He was an old friend from when we were kids, not a romantic connection then. He asked me to marry him recently and I said yes. We haven't announced our engagement yet.

I find myself wanting to change my life to have my old flame back and he would welcome it in a heart beat. He comes with a lot of baggage and a future ex-wife that has hated me since she met him.

I am really scared that I will leave a wonderful man that adores me and a life the could be easy and peaceful for the man I've loved all my life and the fear of the unknown.

What if it's the wrong decision and I'm left regretting ending my current relationship? What if I don't and I regret not talking the chance? I'm very conflicted.

I find myself longing for that next phone call, crying for him at night again, not sleeping, looking at old photos.

Wanting to see him, dreaming of being in his arms. It's all very strong, very intense still. How can I be sure I make the right decision?

View related questions: anniversary, divorce, ex-wife

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland +, writes (19 June 2017):

aunt honesty agony auntIn my opinion if you are questioning going to another man then the relationship you are in is not the correct one. I would end things with this man, he doesn't deserve to be with a woman who is pining after another man. Why did you agree to marry him if its another man you love? Please do the kind thing and let this man go.

As for your old flame, the love off your life. You love the person he used to be, you have built him up in your head, and yes you could both be great together or you could both be a disaster together, but it seems you need to find out so I suggest you break off your current relationship and then you are free to be with whoever you like.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2017):

You seem to want us to believe that on the strength of one clandestine meeting in a park you are ready to dismiss your current partner!

Do yourself a favour and let your current decent partner go!

You are saying you have agreed to marry the park guy but you havent announced your engagement yet?

This is so flimsy that it is laughable.

You surely cannot be so gullible?

Exactly how did you get engaged and are you wearing his ring now?

Has your old faithful boyfriend noticed your new sparkler?

Get in the tissues and sit by the phone!

Its going to be a long wait but if its what you need to do in order to face reality then do it!

Most people take their dogs for a walk in the park so that the dog can do a sh**!

But not you!

You get engaged in a split second and then try to convince us you are kosher!

Sorry to say but you are being led up the garden path and we have no time to follow you.

Youre a big girl!

You got yourself into this so you can get yourself out!

Sorry for the decent guy tho who put up with you for three years!

And your jealousy of the other guys wife is crystal clear!

Please extricate yourself before more damage is done!

Do you need our permission?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2017):

You've already GOT a man! A man who LOVES YOU! A man whose heart you will tear apart into a million pieces if you proceed to bed this sleaze ball cheater disguised as some perfect Romeo! It is a disguise! He's a fake. And he's well versed at his act! And beneath it all, he is just a weak, insecure, pathetic old man with no character and poor impulse control. He cannot keep promises to his own wife. And most likely he is bored or feeling too comfortable. And you are of the same weak character, my dear, doing the very same thing to your partner of 3 years! How would you like to be on the receiving end of cheating? You think your knight in shining armour is all yours, will ever be all yours? Wake up! He is his wife's. And no matter what he tells you, he is having sex with her! Count on it!

Cheaters are big liars too. They go hand in hand. And think that if he is capable of going to greener pastures while STILL MARRIED to her, then he is capable of going to even greener pastures once he is with you for awhile. All married guys say the same bullshit to score themselves someone new. They are bored of the same old meal and there you are, something different. If it wasn't you, he will reel in some other flavour of the day. Once he beds you, the excuses for putting the divorce off will begin...

If you have such feelings and desires, then LET YOUR CURRENT PARTNER GO RIGHT NOW! Do not hurt him behind his back. He is a living, breathing human being with a heart. OK? Be kind. Be gentle. Do not be a selfish monster. Like all cheaters are. It is best to hurt them honestly than by deceit. The deceit will scar them for the rest of their lives. It will annihilate their joy in life. It will kill their self esteem. They will forever carry baggage from the betrayal, never again feeling safe or secure in any relationship. You have no idea the long term repercussions it causes the poor person being cheated on. No idea. Until it's you. And I sure hope someday it will be you. So that you can see how deeply it hurts and how much pain and destruction it causes human beings. People who are flesh and blood, just like you.

What do you need to do? It is simple. Wait until this new guy is FREE. I mean divorced. Papers in hands. And he has had a chance to be single for awhile. Then move forward. And in the meantime, leave your current partner. NOW. Do not wait for the other guy's divorce to go through. Your heart is with him already. So, do not make your partner a convenient fall back guy, an old shoe you can just put back on anytime when all else fails. Not so. He deserves way better than you. He is worth more than you give him credit for. Too good for you. And if this guy didn't come through, then it is still clear you are not totally committed to your current partner if you were so willing to throw him away for another man. It will just be a matter of time before some other guy comes along who you will toss him away for that man. Poor guy!!!! I feel so bad for him.

Your partner should be free to find a woman who loves him. Set him free.

Then go and do whatever the hell you like. Swing from chandeliers. Marry the married guy. Party all night. But do not take your partner down that road to destruction. Be kind to his heart. Leave him.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2017):

The intention is not to insult you. A wake-up call is sometimes disturbing or difficult to swallow; and serious advice against something you want may sometimes be hard to accept.

Is there a effective "sugar-coated" way to discourage someone from breaking someone's heart who loves them? Your post suggests your emotions may be clouding your judgement.

Explain when it is justified or reasonable to condone showing open affection and romantic-interest toward a married-man? I will happily concede and withdraw my advice. You otherwise have the option to ignore it.

I merely tried to convey to you the urgency of the situation; and the severity of making a poor decision. I often use colorful language, but pardon my directness.

I certainly apologize if your feelings were hurt in the process of trying to shock you into seeing the reality of giving-up something you already have that is good.

Blessings can be given, and they can be taken away!

How about your fiance's feelings? Do they matter? Does he have a right to feel insulted that his woman is more in-love with someone else?

Would it not be an insult to know that he has invested his love and trust; but then to discover the woman he has asked to marry him is in-love with a married-man? She is actively in-touch with this man, in spite of her commitment.

I shoot from the hip, and I'm straight forward. If I see an OP standing in-front of an oncoming train, I will do whatever it takes to get their attention and save them from disaster.

Sorry, if that was taken in any other way. I stand behind my advice. You have the right to your rebuttal. Answers aren't strictly for the OP, mine are written to advise others who may find my advice helpful in whatever form or style it is given. Anyone is welcome to take it or leave it.

Best wishes.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (8 June 2017):

Honeypie agony auntI have to say, the general advice given may not BE what you wanted to hear but it is REALISTIC, not belittling.

I think regardless of the advice given you will probably do it anyways - it is your life and your choice. And I also think it's one you will regret.

I have seen similar scenarios several times over. The biggest REASON these "I loved you when we were teenagers let's be together in our middle aged!" relationship do NOT work is because there has been TOO much water under the bridge. The guy YOU fell for WAY back when IS not who he is today and the girl he claims was his "love" (aka you) are not who you USED to be.

Not only that, but ALL the baggage you BOTH will be bringing will makes things harder. Especially if you BOTH jump from one relationship/marriage into this new one.

You can not turn back time, neither can he.

I do think you need to end it with your current BF, you are being VERY unfair on him. Seriously, how would you feel if he ran into an old flame and started behaving like you are now? with the crying and looking at pictures etc? Let him go. Take some time being SINGLE and then figure out if this "blast from the past" is SINGLE too or if he is still with his wife.

The wife MAY be verbally abusive and HE may be a good guy who stayed for his kids. She might also just have HAD enough of him. How would you feel if you were married to someone who made DAMNED sure you KNEW that you only LOVED this other woman? No wonder she doesn't like you.

All I can see from your story is heartache all around and a lot of drama. Not a great "happily ever after" tale.

Good luck, you are going to need it.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2017):

Perhaps two hypocrites and liars belong together but how long do you think it would last?

Relationships based on longings are as useless as candy sticks and you will end up 'unfulfilled' as people say.

Practical action tends to create a more balanced forward-driven life!

Imagine you want to throw away your home to live in a castle...you know where you end up?

Down on skid row, broke and homeless!

Stop meeting him!

He is using you to test his pulling power!

So that he confess to wifey that he was on the brink of an affair and then they can enjoy a sexually charged reunion.

The problem is your contempt for your current partner.

You really dont deserve him!

And oh the gossip and harsh words by people who know you!

How that will sting if words from strangers hurt you now.

Be warned because we have tried to tell you!

Beauty fades but stupid lasts forever!

I am sorry this person has the power to disrupt your life as far as they already have!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2017):

You love who he was. Yes maybe a spark of some old memories. But he's aged. He's no gentleman that he thinks he can make-do with you as his first rebound until he's had time to look around.

Tell to go look around for two years until he's washed the ex right out of his hair.

Your reliable loyal husband will be completely gutted. Good men are hard to find.

While Mr 27 years ago will not care if he breaks up your marriage. And if he finds someone better, younger, etc etc he'll move on again.

Mr 27 years ago is being discarded for a reason. Smart women don't discard good reliable men. There is a reason she is discarding Mr 27 years ago.

Don't be fooled by the romantic web he is weaving. You are just a stop gap solution as his rebound.

Mr 27 years ago has missed too many chances in the past to woo you back.

You may end up with neither man in the end.

You would be smarter to stay with the man who loves you and has been loyal to you. That is your husband.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2017):

Your story sounds so similar to my own.

Let me tell you what it looks like - you have built up in your mind a fantasy of what this man is. You've had years to create the ideal man in your head, and he sure looks good now standing in front of you too, right? There is something you need to realize though.

He is NOT the same person he used to be! Not by a long shot. Guess what? Neither are you! Circumstances change who you are.

Maybe 20 some years ago, you two might have had a chance, but so much has changed during that time that you are NOT the same people.

The chances that you trade in a good man who loves you and wants you and comes with such little baggage, for a man who is a fantasy man with lots of drama and baggage and a wife who already hates you, are about 100% negative.

As someone said, if he had seriously felt the same about you, he'd have left and pursued you like a knight in shining armor years ago. As it stands, he's securing supply [you] before he even cuts his cords.

Don't be fooled. This is a fantasy relationship, and you stand to lose a good thing if you allow the fantasy to overtake your reality.

Don't be like me :(

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A female reader, Aunty BimBim Australia +, writes (8 June 2017):

Aunty BimBim agony auntawwww, the poor little love wants a divorce from the woman he has been with for 22 years .... but before he does that he wants to make sure he has his next woman (wife?) lined up.

WOMAN OPEN YOUR EYES! Where was he for the past 22 years, it certainly doesn't sound like he was pining away, wishing he had made different choices. How can you believe a word he says? Love? Phht!

If you WERE the only woman he has ever loved where was he before you married your current husband of three short years?

How can you be engaged to marry a man who is already married? Ask yourself the hard questions and be very HONEST with your answers .... words fail me!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2017):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

I didn't write this to be insulted, belittled and criticized, I wrote it to get advice.

I'm not delusional, it's not taken from romance novels or movies, I'm not circling like a vulture.

Remember, he contacted me. It all has to be his decision on what he does in his marriage and it has to be final before I world even consider being with him again.

I know 100% that he feels the same. We have spoken on the phone and met up once in a public park.

This isn't a sexual thing, it's truly what's in our hearts. We are older, more mature and we have pined for each other for soo long.

Since he had small children he didn't want them to grow up in a broken home.

Now the youngest is 18 he is ready to separate from his wife he says. I'm not encouraging him by any means. He needs to do what he feels is the right thing for him.

He knows I'm in a good relationship and is not asking me to leave him.

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A male reader, Billy Bathgate United States +, writes (8 June 2017):

You should definitely go with the guy you love. Your partner deserves a woman who actually loves him not someone who sees him as a consolation prize.

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A male reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (7 June 2017):

olderthandirt agony auntOh that unrequited love.. is he the man for ? Maybe... The real question is: Do you smash up a known quantity on the creaky old chance with that old flame that may not even feel the same for you anymore? Think long and hard over it and then do something even if it's wrong. By doing nothing you've got a problem.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2017):

My dear lady, you are not 16. That nonsense of unrequited love and longing for old-flames is foolishness taken from romance novels and chick-flicks. You're a mature and dignified woman. You haven't loved him, you've been infatuated with him. He has to love you back equally; and there can be no gap in time that you're apart, to change either of you so much as time has. You recall a moment in time, back in your youth; which is far from today's reality.

He's still married, has to undergo the trials and tribulations of divorce, has had decades to change from the person you used to know, and you don't know why his wife is abusive. It may be her reaction to how he treats her, and other details about their marriage you have no privy to.

Who cares what your friend confirms? Unless she or he lives with them; how would anyone know the dirty details of what goes on between him and his wife? It's only your wishful thinking hoping for the worse. That is so unkind and selfish of you!

Here you are, about to forfeit a love in the present for some childhood-crush you don't really know anything about. Establishing your feelings on an image of him when he was just a young boy. Twenty-something years ago?!!

Seriously?!! Get a grip on yourself! I mean really!

What you have now is a sure thing. He has invested his heart and feelings on you; while you're living in the past. Your feelings are based on a personality that existed 27 years ago!!!

???

I suggest you come-down off Cloud-9, and snap-back to reality, girlfriend!!! This behavior is silly schoolgirl-infatuation. You're far beyond that now!

You have a well-established relationship that has consistently proven itself for three years. You are willing to throw that away for some delusion of a long-lost love, who is "contemplating" a divorce. Even if it just started, you better wait until it's final, and he has divvied-up his property and assets.

You'll be getting the aged beaten-down run through the wringer version of your old-flame. You can also throw-in his scorned-ex who hates you from day one; who's mission will be to make life hell for you both. Who could blame her? You're circling like a vulture, waiting for her marriage to fail!

All while some poor guy in-love with you, is waiting for you to break his heart.

Snap out of it! What's wrong with you???

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy +, writes (7 June 2017):

CindyCares agony aunt You are right in being afraid to make the wrong decision. I do not read minds, nor the future, but from how it looks... it all looks too flimsy for leaving a wonderful man who adores you and an easy and peaceful life.

I mean, talk is cheap. You are the one who, he always loved ? Well, then why didn't he marry you, to begin with. And why , if he loved you so much, did he never , in the course of 22 long years , took those " steps moving in that direction " - the direction of divorce- which he is, supposedly, going to take now .

And what are , exactly, these " steps in the direction of .." ? When someone actually wants to divorce, there aren't that many steps - basically, you call a lawyer ( ... some people even skip this step ) and get your spouse served the divorce papers.

The way he , or you , put it makes it all sound as if these steps would be very mincing and hesitant, and it would be a long and winding road to divorce.... Well, if ypur old flame is your age or older, - how long does he wnat to waut ? he has not got all the time in the world, if he wants something, he needs to step on it NOW, not in some undisclosed future.

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