A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:When I was in HS (and younger) I was raised by very strict, old-fashioned grandparents who sheltered me. I got made fun of a lot for not getting cultural references or not knowing who many celebrities were. I was not allowed overnights or friends in the bedroom (for privacy) and I was not allowed to go anywhere without being escorted. Grandpa was retired from the housing authority and grandma taught at Catholic school but with a 14-year age difference, someone was always home all my life. I remember begging to have time alone in my own bedroom and the answer was a resounding no. They also tore my room apart to see what I was hiding from them.What I was hiding was that I was gay (I thought I was) because I simply didn't like guys. Yes, I'd had my crushes since kindergarten (on various guys) but they were the giddy-silly crushes that went nowhere and weren't meant to. I just enjoyed a fun crush. Those were quickly ruined by people picking on the guy for me liking him. I gave a little boy a special valentine in second grade and he held such a grudge that he made my life miserable for years after that. I'm not kidding. He held a grudge that long. Until senior year. I truly had only four friends the whole K-12 career. I couldn't wait to get out of house, out of town, and start over. My grandparents found a book on gay teens I'd found at the library and freaked out. They sat me down and we had a long discussion about my readiness for college. Well, not for college, but for leaving home. I explained to that I had no sexual desire towards guys (my friends had set me up with a few guys secretly). I hated being touched by guys and I told them. I honestly felt uncomfortable with the idea of anything physical. They decided I'd had too much freedom and clamped down even harder - no going out with friends and no going to friends' houses. No library without supervision. That was the one place I could go. I would up my involvement in church. College was going to be a Catholic one where they would drive me to and from.Two years later I took a scholarship I'd earned and transferred to a secular University and got a part time job and lived in a co-op. I tried to come out but it didn't work.No one accepted me. I knew nothing about LGBT culture, history, or politics. My grandparents actually picked up and moved to be closer to me. Remember, grandpa was retired and grandma taught. They didn't want me too far away. Believe me, they were at the door to the co-op as often as they could be and nearly got my housemates and me arrested because of constant calls to the police about smelling marijuana.They came to my work on a regular basis to pick me up or find out where I was and they told all my friends and co-workes how I was raised and all about my past. I wanted that private!I graduated, saved some money and moved three states away. I briefly dated a woman and realized I really didn't like sex with women either! I can't stand the smell without gagging, I'm no good at using a dildo and I HATE being penetrated with one. We broke up and she was hurt and vengeful. She ruined my reputation in the LGBT community, at my work and at the UU Church I'd attended. I became a hermit for about two years and moved again to another city.I got lonely and tried dating asexuals online. No one lived near me and I didn't drive. I was 30 and had no clue how to go about getting a car. I only knew how to look for apartments and co ops because someone hipped me to it. I was living alone in a tiny apartment above a corner store and took forever to get furniture. I've figured out most things by now but I don't seem to know how to make friends. People at work and church (UCC) seem to already have their own cliques. I found a few people close to me who are asexual but they make fun of my ignorance (I didn't know non-binary or aromantic was a thing). I also keep running into problems where asexual ladies don't want to date me, only men. And they don't want to be romantic or cuddly or anything else. Or, they still want sex.Am I doomed to be lonely forever? Did my grandparents affect me that much?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (12 November 2019):
 If you choose to volunteer, I'd keep it to something that brings JOY to you. Which is why No-kill animal shelters is a GREAT start.
You have to deal with animals and people who LOVE animals, no hidden or agendas.
I think it's a good start.
I hope you also consider finding a therapist and unpack the past and work through it.
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (11 November 2019):
Edit - should have written GRAND parents, obviously - sorry.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2019): Original Poster:
I think I'll work on making friends. I really don't know how to do that as an adult
I tried getting active in church and I'm thinking of volunteering for the local Democrat Party. An animal shelter is a good idea. Or a book club. I just hope it works
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (11 November 2019):
You parents are/were overprotective for a reason. I think losing your mother (their child) made them EXTRA tight with rules for you. They hoped by watching you like a hawk you would not be lost to them as well.
And while I get that, it did you no favors. It stunted your social skills and personal growth.
But you are NOW an adult and IN charge of your life and future.
So what to do? Well, I would start to look into taking some courses or read up on how to improve your social skills. No one NEEDS a lot of friends (it's nice, mind you) but a FEW really good ones is a good goal to set.
You have tried to rebel against your grandparents for a long time and you didn't feel successful at it, because reality didn't live up to what you THOUGHT would happen.
People are so darn serious about labeling themselves according to some sexual checklist, and putting people in nice neat boxes. I just don't think we have to.
BE you. I agree with Ciar that finding a therapist and unpacking your childhood and working through that might be a good start.
Society is not your to coddle you or conform to you, YOU as the individual will have to find ways to mesh with society. Doesn't mean you can't be asexual or whatever you feel comfortable with, it just means that you aren't given special treatment for being XYZ sexual orientation.
As for the politics of LGBT, I wouldn't try and make sense of that right now. Because first of all, those politics keep changing and no one can keep up with that and it's JUST NOT important for your PERSONAL growth. Moving FORWARD is important, being KIND to yourself is important and dealing with your past can help both. So I hope a therapist can help you work through that.
If you have a hobby, join a group and get to know people, make friends, make new acquaintances who SHARE that hobby with you and isn't concerned about your sexual orientation label, because IT DOESN'T matter when sharing a passion for a hobby.
If you don't have a passion for a hobby, try volunteering, if you find animals easier than humans, start with volunteering at a no kill shelter. It's good for the soul.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2019): Many people in life feel intrinsically lonely because the media creates the idea that everyone lives happy family life, but as so many of us discover, life just isn't like that at all!
The first thing to do is to make friends with yourself.
Start by writing a book maybe for your eyes only and just try to express how you feel a page a day.
On the plus side you are smart enough to keep a roof over your head.
If you were a character in a film you would be a kind hearted J.Lo, getting by on the tough side of life.
Rework your image of yourself to bring out all the positives.
The spirit in you that gives you the grace to live.
The sensible side of you that looks after yourself.
The adventurous side of you that considers alternative sexuality.
It is all part of your pathway and you need mechanisms to help you cope with lonely moments when it all starts to seem overwhelming.
You could try therapy for this or try to engrossed yourself in other people's life stories.
I see you as a deep thinker.
I see the boy who bullied you as being immature and I believe you are a gentle soul with much to offer.
Don't force yourself into social or sexual situations.
Life can be unkind so nuture yourself in every way you can.
Friendships can often be about circumstances so if your friendship group is narrow or non existent don't blame yourself.
You just need to adjust your circumstances by joining a social group such as a literary group, an activist group, a cookery group or a martial arts group, or a dance group.
It can be difficult to make meaningful friendships in this frenetic world and many people learn to cope with moments of lonliness.
I could see you making some good friends at your local animal shelter if you offered to help out or maybe you would be a good fundraiser.
Value yourself and accept that it's not always your fault if others can't fall into a happy friendship group because many,many others feel exactly the same way.
If you value yourself others will sense this.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2019): Original Poster
My mother killed herself when I was five. I barely remember her. She didn't marry my father because no one wanted anything to do with him. I wasn't given his name. She was an only child and so am i. I hope that clarifies
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2019): Your grandparents, like most people in-charge of your safety and wellbeing sometimes go overboard by being overprotective; and well-meaningly shoving their values down your throat. Unless you're raised by wolves, or in a barn like a farm animal, you are subjected to rules and discipline. Even wolves have a complex society.
You don't mention what happened to your parents; but if your grandparents took-over as your legal-guardians, they must have felt they had to overcompensate for the absence of your parents. Only speculating, if you were handed over to your grandparents by child protection authorities; it can be presumed there was family-dysfunction. My condolences, if it was due to tragedy or a serious mishap.
You poor thing!You got hit with a double-whammy! They're both religious, and also big-time old-school! They thought they could isolate and ziplock the gay out of you! No contact with sin, and you won't sin! Unfortunately, the capacity to sin is inherent in humans; God says so Himself in His owner's-manual, the Bible. He's more patient with us than church-people. He gets the bad-press; while they're out there doing all kinds a crazy and hateful in His name. Hypocrisy mostly!
You remind me of an OP who frequently writes from China; often complaining about her strict traditional-Chinese parents. Raising a girl in Asia is much different than a boy; and old-time double-standard traditions place very rigorous demands on parents to maintain family honor and raise girls to be respectable, and good wife-material. Pure and virtuous.
Boys don't get pregnant, so things go kinda different!
I grew-up in a Christian-household with strong emphasis on good-behavior, kindness, and academic-achievement. It was strongly enforced. Indigenous Native American grandparents (mom's side), who also wanted us to recognize that side of our heritage. I have no horror-stories about it; but the first thing I did when I got out into the real-world was sow my wild oats! Oh, and come out of the closet! I was sheltered, did not swear, I was shy, and so polite; I was labeled "the church-kid" in my military flight-class in the Air Force. They just couldn't wait to corrupt me! I'm not a follower, you can only steer me so far. If I don't wanna do it, I ain't gonna do it!!! That's my dad in me! Peer-pressure was never an issue!
You weren't screwed-up by your grandparents. You ducked some bullets, didn't get pressured into doing stupid things by your peers, by-passed drug-addiction; and not being able to fit-in happens to most gay people anyway! You're nearly 40, and you grew-up when coming-out as gay and gay-marriage was still in the gay-advocacy and gay-rights movement stage. The last part of it, but things are a lot different in the last 20 years. I witnessed the last and most devastating throws of the AIDS epidemic. I watched some of the people I knew die. Then they came-up with the "cocktail" a bunch of drugs that slowed HIV progression; but it was the precursor to much better drugs that we have now. Your grandparents were probably in their 30's or 40's during that era. The residual-fear, misunderstandings, or prejudices are still there. "Boomers" they're now called!
You don't understand gay-life and culture; because it is difficult, relentless, and unmerciful all on it's own. It sometimes falls inline with stereotypes. After you've already gone through hell and back with the hetersexual-world; you must endure your "gay initiation." You don't know what the hell you're talking about by blaming your grandparents! The gay-culture is relentlessly cliquish; and embraces pop-culture and fashion like a religion. You don't learn that until you're thrust feet-first into it; like the cruelest way to teach somebody to swim!
If you're asexual, as you claim, you are amongst the smallest minority ever!
Girlfriend, don't go out there looking for a huge membership in the land of misfit toys! There's a name and a catchphrase for everything! Unless your life revolves around keeping-up with total gay-BS, pop-culture lingo, and emoji-fanaticism; give yourself a break! You're "different," and yet your story is the same story I've heard from many gay boys and girls who came-out long before you. If asexual is your thing, it's hard enough finding a match...expect a little more difficulty searching within a very select-minority of people, hardly even noticed! Let alone out looking for others!
Looking for a mate to do what??? I guess you're looking for friends. Then asexual shouldn't matter, should it? Just look for friends, and you might be more successful. Stop being a victim, and let the past stay in the past. People will appreciate you without having to deal with your claims of victimization and persecution by overbearing grandparents. I've heard much worse stories! Be you, and be accepted as you are. Trying to fit-in is just assimilating to be like the masses. You are different...embrace it!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2019): When a child is shielded from the world, that child isn't MEANT to function in the world, just the environment they we're raised in. You, however, insisted on trying to fit in and you failed. What made you think you were gay? You never mentioned attraction to women at all. What you did to the woman you dated was horrible, no wonder she sought revenge! And you can't have it both ways with flirting and dating and cuddling but cutting out the sex. It just isn't done. You still have a lot to learn
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2019): your grandparents control reached a level that I (as a social worker) would consider abusive.
but you are not destined to be lonely. Yes, people will think it's odd that you don't know the things you don't know but there are two options for that. Read the internet (start with autostraddle if you want to know about all things lesbian/bisexual/asexual) or you can just lean into it like 'yeah i led a sheltered life. there's stuff i don't get.' and just be honest about it. i think what's holding you back from making friends is your own insecurity and fear of just being yourself. which is totally understandable given what you've been through. is it possible for you to get some therapy to explore those issues?
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A
female
reader, Ciar  + ♥, writes (9 November 2019):
 The short answers to your questions: No, you're not and yes, they did.
My opinion is that you're having difficulty forming intimate relationships because your private self has been tainted by rejection and violation before it was even allowed to form.
It's not my place, or anyone else's to define your sexuality, that's for you to determine over time, but my guess is you're straight. Your first crushes were on boys, those developed naturally on their own. Everything that followed seems to be a reaction to a particularly nasty rejection.
Not being allowed to close your bedroom door, showing up unannounced and sharing details of your life you want kept private, it's hardly a wonder you spent time as a hermit. You were constantly on display, not for your benefit but for theirs, to calm their fears and satisfy their want for control.
Your grandparents were not simply strict and old fashioned. They were self centred, and destructive. They were old enough and presumably experienced enough to know better than to behave the way they did. You haven't mentioned being an orphan so I'm guessing your own parents let you down, but considering the upbringing that at least one of them had, that comes as no surprise. Your grandparents have much to answer for in the afterlife.
So, as much as I would love to have them savagely flogged, tied to a bumper and driven over a gravel road, that isn't going to solve your problem.
I think you need to be patient and gentle with yourself. Take this in manageable portions, baby steps. You might want to find a therapist. You may have to interview several before you find the one who can help you.
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