| A
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: I'm a successful, almost 22-year-old woman. The love of my life is 61. Please, no gasping. I met him when I was a child, in passing, when he was only 46, and I a mere seven or so. He quietly watched me grow and change through my childhood. He was always simply there. Not a special family friend, even. He lived in the house next to mine and I'd often visit him or more often, he'd watch all the kids play, as he had one little daughter himself, but she had died before I was even born. His wife was also dead. I never got to meet her, but she was lovely. He loved her more than he'll ever love anything in the world. He was so great with children! And even at the aging 46, he was so handsome! When he was only 17 he moved here from Germany. His accent is still strong. My father wasn't in my life very much. I loathed him. My mother was cheerful, but a little bit deranged. She was just altogether odd. I took care of my younger sister as best I could. My mother was often just sitting on the sofa, looking out the window hopelessly, and sipping her tea. She withered away to nothing when I was seventeen. My sister and I were taken in by a kind old aunt. My little sister, Janie, had four years with the old woman. I had one. My aunt moved into our house, so we stayed in the location. When my mother died, it was Mr. Fitz that consoled and counseled us best. He took care of my sister and I when my aunt could not--being that her arthritis was horrible, she could hardly drive, or see. I was in a lack of affections. Whenever something bad happens in my life, or I feel a great deal of sadness, I go wild. The week after my mother died, I smeared on red lipstick and went out with several people I should never have gone out with. Secretly, I watched Mr. Fitz. I had never had any real affection from a parent or anyone. My sister and I had always been a bit alone. My mother supplied us with what we needed and tried hard to be there, but she just mentally was not. My father was a horrible man and faraway. He had torn my mother to bits. I never understood why she loved him. It wasn't in my personality to run about with boys and girls that did horrible things. I was a calm, gentle, girl. I was modest and quiet. But I twisted and turned that year. Mr. Fitz never gave up. He watched me leave every night with a sad face, but he never scolded me. He understood.I grew and blossomed. I stayed a tiny 4' 10.5", weighing 82 lbs. when I was fourteen. I was a wild child and experimented and did crazy things. But I was very into my art, as is my lover. I'd so often go to him for advice on art and writing and such. I was big on writing. I believe soon, he had become my confidante. I told him everything, in tears or grins, whatever, whenever. He was my best friend. It was quite odd.I left for college when I was just-turned 18. When I came back for the summer when I was nineteen, he confessed his love for me, as did I. He had quite a bit of money, and we were off into the city! I gave up a wild, college life to be with Mr Fitz. I continued to go to school and he did several things for some art museums and such. Our relationship was not like most peoples though. How could it be? I was only a child--I still am a child. I'm zany, energetic, emotional, cheery, etc. I need to be cared for and loved at all times. Mr Fitz plays this role in my life. He cares for me, gives me advice, I tell him everything, he listens. I'm like his child and his love. I'm addicted to him. I can't imagine living without him. I live my own life, but I tell him everything that happens in it. And he never gets mad if I do something wrong, he gives me advice. He listens to me when I cry. In these three years, I've become reliant on him. I need him. I've come to think several times though, that I cannot picture myself with anyone else, but that I'd love to have children. But the thought doesn't matter, once I see him. He is so old and lovely. He really is. Now that he is sick, it's changed. He is no longer taking care of me. I am caring for him. He has no energy to talk to me even. He just sits in the hospital bed, withering away. I haven't showed up to work for over a week. I just stopped. I'm most often sitting by his bed, thinking about nothing but how lost I'll be. I feel like life isn't going to go anywhere. Who's going to tell me what to do when I've got a problem? Who's going to tuck me in? Who is going to love me so endlessly? No one can. Throughout our relationship, we got weird looks in public. Many people thought he was my father--even grandfather. I do look very young. I am very petite and tiny and have a little round face. I've been given children's menus at restaurants. I've been asked if I'm old enough to DRIVE. Despite my large curves, I'm taken for a dressed-up preteen, 9-13 years old. And so, it's often thought that I'm the child of Mr Fitz. When they see us kiss or caress in public, I've heard shouts of "Lolita!" several times. (Lolita still happens to be one of my favorite books. I read it when I was 13 and often found myself wishing I could be Lolita. She was so loved. Yet it was sick and wrong. But I could never have thought of it that way.)Reader, you must understand, I love this man with all the affection in my heart. All the love I did not give to my family and peers, is put into him. He was all I ever needed.But he's slowly leaving me, I fear. And it scares me so much. I feel like I won't be able to live. When I see him laying so lifelessly and helplessly, I get so overwhelmed with sadness. I feel absolutely dead. I'm always crying and thinking of him. I'm always with him. But in mind, he isn't with me. He doesn't know me. He doesn't love me. I'm not his apprentice, his friend, his love. I'm a person sitting in a chair while he sleeps. It kills me. I want to curl into his bed with him and both go into a peaceful, neverending sleep together.When he began getting weaker and weaker, I thought I wanted to quickly marry him. It seemed to me that this would make him mine, and I his, forever. The idea grew on me, and I truly would be his forever. It made me feel safer. And to be his little wife, would make me the happiest person in the world.I spoke to my friend, Janine, about this and she commented that if I were to marry Mr. Fitz just when he is sick, it may seem that I was using him. I would get enough money to not have to work for a very long time. Mr. Fitz had a good amount of money saved and a lot of life insurance. In all honesty though, I had never even thought of that. I was thinking marriage and that was all. It broke my heart. I hated her for saying it. But, she's right. I don't want people thinking ever that my love for Mr. Fitz is untrue. I love him so much. I told my dearest that I wanted to marry him. He was so weak, he just smiled and held my hand and said, "Let's." I began to cry and I kissed him softly and then I admitted my talk with Janine and explained that I did not want people to think that. He said, with a few words missing, that even if we weren't married, I would inherit a lot of money from him anyway. I was #1 on his will. A small fortune was also to be donated to the local art museum that he loved after he perished. And he smiled at me. He was so relaxed, so loving. He told me he was tired then and said he wished so that he could make love to me, as I was so beautiful. He wished he were younger. He told me every young bone in my body was lovely. He felt my childish short hair and then tugged my high-waisted pants, playfully. Then, he laid his hand in the crotch of my pants, winking. (What an old flirt! Ha!) Then, he called me "his bride." He said nothing would make him happier than marrying me. He loved me. Then, he was off in a deep sleep, snoring softly, with such a comical look on his old face. How I love him! The next day, he said, "Have you got the white dress yet, Little Bird? I'll need you to plan the whole thing. Buy a ring--two rings. I dreamed of the whole thing. I wish I were younger. I wish I could please you. I wish I could taste your sweet c*** and make love to you, my darling." We've never been that sexual. He just can't, with his age. The times that we did, they were so intimate and perfect. He's never made these sexual comments before. He seems so sad and regretful. He asked me several times though, sadly, if I was sure I wanted to marry an old man like himself. If I'd not rather marry a young, handsome charming lad. Save myself. I told him I'd never think of being with anyone else.With him drifting further, I feel so the need to get closer. I want to live on in his name. I want to be Mrs. Fitz forever. I want to be his. I want him to be mine.My question is:Should I marry this love of all my life? Should I do what would make us both so endlessly happy, no matter what sorts of sneers we get? I'll never marry, if I do not marry him. Mr. Fitz is so smart and wise, he is respected by a lot of people. I do not want his reputation to be shattered by a marriage to a young girl. But most people that think most highly of him, know me and understand what's between us. I don't think anyone would think bad of Mr. Fitz, but most of me. As if I were a deceitful whore. I would give all the money away. It doesn't mean a thing! I just don't want anything about his reputation and what he'll be remembered by to ruined by me. I want to marry him so badly. Tell me what to do, dear reader. Please!Thank you so very much for reading this. My last question:Is there really something wrong with my love for this endearing, lovely old fellow?
View related questions:
best friend, flirt, money, moved in, petite Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2010): You probably care for him because of his kindness to you. Don't marry him
he's too old & you have nothing in common with him. He's probably going to die & you want to marry him to keep him alive. Sounds like you need
psychological counselling because of how you grew up. You'll regret it
if you do.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2010): You love whom you love lady...hearts are like that...even if the world frowns upon us....my lover is older than i too....about 25 years older so im in my thirties and she is in her sixties....and today she had to go to hospital with a blood clot in her lung ...and i fear..i am afraid and small ...and when i saw her she was tearful and frightened too.....and i hope that all will be well and that we can be anew....and i hope that you too can love and be as you would wish...we are all little children on days like these...but i hope we can stay true to our hearts and be brave for the new day.
My love to you lady
Andy
xxx
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2010): What a beautiful story. It makes me sigh just by reading it... The way you discribe it, there can't possibly be anything wrong with your love for this man.
And even if, like the other reader said, this is love like you feel for a father, what does that matter if he makes you feel so good in every single way? It can't be just that, it must be romantic love too (seeing that I'm repulsed by the idea of my father in any other role than my father).
I think you should marry him. You love him and it's the right thing to do. You don't have to save yourself, because whether you're married or not, your love is still the same. If he dies, it will take you the same amount of time to get over him. And thank god people are allowed to marry more than once. You may not want to think about this, but you always could remarry if you ever wanted to.
Good luck with this, and I really hope Mr. Fitz will get better! Please let us know what happens! I feel for you, and if anything I am jealous of the perfect love you have. Although I acknowledge your struggle, you should cherish this extraordinary thing! I wish you all the best!
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2010): Age 20,
The way I see it, the only thing that matters is the way you feel. You love him, you wont love him differently married, but if you both feel like you want to get married, show people how much you love this man, or what have you, I think you should.
I wouldn't let something like tarnishing his reputation matter to you, he is still acting of his free will yes? If this is what he wants to do, then it's worth it to him and he has considered the consequences.
Do you want to do this? Sounds like yes. Are you ok with the consequences? (I know the immediate impulse is to say yes, but think about it.)
Sorry to hear about his declining state. . . just a random side thought; if you don't have a recording of his voice, you may want to get one. After a while of not hearing my dad's voice, I had forgotten the way it sounded until I ran along the recording.
If Mr.Fitz ends up dying, regardless of if you get married, I'd visit a young widow website. See if it helps.
That's about all I've got. If this helped, there's no need to say thanks, I wont be on this website again, but try to return the favor for someone else down the road.
Good luck to you in life, love, and all things.
...............................
A
female
reader, Cheeks  +, writes (18 July 2010):
 I've been here myself. I was just barely 20 & he was 42. Well, that 40 year old man soon became nearly 50 & I had been closer to 30 then I ever imagined myself being. And by that point all I had left was the hope that it would all be worth it in the end, that my not giving up would make up for never experiencing college or having children. When I devoted myself to him I really had a hard time forseeing the future. He too was ill & I figured I could honor my promise to take care of him until his last days & still have my youth. It never occured to me he should be concerned with making my sacrifices worth it. I realized that this man I waited on hand & foot, forsaken my friends for, turned my back on my natural instincts to socialize & stay out late, urges to learn, travel- have kids, grow old with someone- all of it would never be worth to be with him. Hopefully the difference here is your man isn't a selfish person like mine was. He had been alive twice as long as I'de been & if anyone knew what was really at stake it was him & he didn't mind destroying those once-in-a-lifetime moments just he could be taken care of. Never the less I realized I would be left alone, old, tired & defeated by leading the type of life decades prematurely with nothing to show for it but the fact I never gave up. I guess I would summarize it like this- Whether you devote yourslef to him for the rest of his life or if you decide you can't make that commitment- both ways will leave you wondering if you made the right decision. Imagine yourself 40 years old, your husband has just passed away- you've spent the last 20 years caring for him & watching people & their families grow around you. Will you regret giving that up & still feel like you lived your life in a worthy way? Just be sure he acknowleges what you will be giving up if you chose to stay with him. Good luck.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2010): "Is there really something wrong with my love for this endearing, lovely old fellow?" No.
...............................
A
male
reader, Dr.LanceMerryweather  +, writes (15 July 2010):
 Marry him. It matters not what anyone else thinks. The people who actually matter in your lives understand anyway.
...............................
A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (15 July 2010):
 This is a very difficult one and to be honest all I can give is my opinion here - there is no right or wrong in this case so the final decision has to be yours.
But from reading your post - I dont think this is acutally a romantic love you have for him, you love him as if he were your father. You continue to use words like "his apprentice", "confidante", "friend", "reliant on him", "who is going to tuck me in" etc throughout your post - I know you admit you are like his child but to be honest this is all he is to you - the father you never had.
Instead of having a stable family to love you and provide for you, you found this man who had enough money and loved you in a way you had never experienced before, and because this is your first experience of love or a family - you have mistaken this to be true love in the romantic sense. I mean you call him Mr Fitz throughout this post, you refer to him like a child would their teacher!
I cant imagine how painful this must be for you, I really cant and for that I am truly sorry. But I do think you would be making a huge mistake to marry him - this love is not worthy of marriage, this is more a love worthy of him adopting you as his own child.
And one other thing that is screaming out at me - you have said that is is slipping away from you, he barely knows you are there, you even said he doesnt love you. So when he agreed to marry you, the chances are he is in a slightly delusional state and he is not fully aware of what he is saying. If you feel like he no longer loves you then why would you decide this is the perfect time to get married?
I believe that marriage is a commitment from 2 people who are very much in love and want to spend the rest of their lives together. Both people should not enter the marriage in some fantasy land - both need to realise the seriousness of committing to someone for life and to enter into the marriage fully aware of what needs to be done to keep a marriage alive. Marriage offers the right place to grow in love and support for each other, fulfil our sexuality and provide a stable and secure environment for bringing up children. Marriage can change us for the better, and as we change, our marriage grows along with us.
I know this will be hard to think about but really is any of this possible with a man who may not be around much longer? As much as it seems romantic and lovely to get married while you still can, the reality is you would not be getting married for the right reasons and this is wrong.
I think you are right about his reputation too - if he is wise and respected, plus he wants to give a generous donation to the art museum; then I think if you were to get married this would tarnish his repuation and may possibly jeapordise the dontation - after all they will not be able to accept money from a man who has been riddled with questions of pedophillia and then married his child lover, they simply could not take a donation from such a person due to the negative repercussions it would have on their image.
And many people would think you are trying to take his money - so really if he is leaving you a large sum in his will anyway, I think it would be more mature and respectful of you to not marry him.
If you are still adamant this is real love rather than just a fatherly love, then surely there is no real reason to get married anyway? Would it make your love any more important? Would it mean you love him any more? Would it make the time that you had together more special? Would it really change anything?
I think the answer is no - you have clearly had some very special memories together and marriage is not going to make anything better or more special. I think marriage is for couples who want to make a better future with each other, and in your case this sadly is not possible. There is no future for you so you would be almost getting married retrospectively, like the marriage would just be the last chapter in your story. But as I have said before - you would be getting married for the wrong reasons, and not being true to the institution of marriage. The idea of marriage for you both is a final romantic ideal, a way of coping with the fact that your relationship is ending and you dont have any more time together.
But marriage is not going to help you come to terms with this, you need to let go of the dream and start coming to terms with losing him. Your relationship and the memories will live on through you, you will be able to keep him in your heart forever and being married to him has no bearing on this at all. And do you really want your wedding ceremony to be one of your last memories of him, where he is bed ridden, you cannot walk down the isle to see him waiting for you, where he is barely conscious enough to say "I do", where he might not even be able to remember your name or why you are there.....
If I were losing a man I loved I would not want that to be my memory of my wedding day, nor would I want it to be my last major memory of him. Instead I would rather remember all the good times, when you were both in good health and enjoying each other the way you should. Those memories are worth more than being able to say that you were his "wife", that is just a tag which you could only stick onto yourself for a matter of weeks, maybe months, before you become a "widow".
So rather than risking his reputation and memory, and risking your future (you would be known as the girl with the 61 year old husband) - why not be happy for the time you have had together and celebrate that, rather than trying desperately to cling onto something that is lost. You cannot delay his passing, nor can you make him stay here on this earth any longer - marriage will not solve this. It will only mean when he does finally pass away it will be that little bit harder for you. So I say enjoy your final bit of time together, be happy for what you have had and what you have experienced. Sit and reminiciss together about all the good time, enjoy him while he is still aware of his surroundings and aware of you.
Dont rush into a marriage for the wrong reasons, it will not make either of you any happier than you are now. It will only serve to make things worse and you will be going against the principles of marriage itself.
But as I said before, this is a tough one and I'm sure you will do what feels right. But remember, "wanting" something is a very different matter to doing the right thing, and sometimes the right choice is the thing you really dont want to have to do.
I hope this helps and good luck!
...............................
|
