A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I went round to my new boyfriend's house. I was very shocked. The place is an absolute tip. The kitchen is stacked high with dirty dishes and the washing in piles, garden unkempt and bike parts everywhere. When he came over for dinner he brought a 39p bottle of cola and asked if I was on a water meter when I left tap on to clean my teeth.I am clean and tidy. I feel sad that I am judging him so harshly. I love going out and he likes staying in. He doesn't like eating out or going far as he said he drives to locations for his work. He is loving and kind towards me but it just all feels weird. I can't believe he lives like this either. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2015): How gross! This reminds of my ex boyfriend! I am so glad to be rid of him! He was cheap, had holes in his clothes, his idea of cleaning was doing the dishes with a dirty rag and drying them with an equally dirty rag! I think he bragged once he had cleaned the bathroom, which meant he had put bleach down. Everything stank in his place! I used to arrive there fresh and clean and go away feeling not so fresh ?? I remember once I did the dishes and wiped a few of the surfaces that never get cleaned and just see if he kept it clean, which would let me know if he appreciated and valued (or even noticed) what I did. It only took me a few mins, and I purposely only did a bit, but enough to notice, just incase he didn't appreciate it, so I wouldn't have put that much time or energy into it. He didn't notice and within a few days it was back to being dirty again, so I never did it again.It just demonstrates how your values don't line up. And this won't just be in how physically clean an tidy he is, or rather not, but it'll probably cross over into other areas of his life. Slobbish behaviour: what is he like at work? Does he even value himself? If he doesn't how can he value you? I'm only going from experience!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2015): Why are you trying to compromise? He is a filthy lazy slob and doesn't want to go out. You are a bright clean sociable person who wants a future to be proud of. Errrrr you're not going to achieve that with this man however 'nice' he is. Stop wasting your precious life on him.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (24 November 2015):
 When I first read your post I was thinking ewwww teenage boys in their first place are such pigs! And then I re-check your age group.. and thought double eww, this is an Adult! Who invited his GF over while his house looks like a pigsty! Not even trying to impress you? So this NASTINESS is the norm for him. Gross.
I have pretty much mysophobia (fear of germs), I like things neat, clean and tidy. So I would have left his place or puked.... The thought of eating in a filthy place? Or worse sleeping there? Yeah that wouldn't work for me at all.
I agree with WiseOwlE, DO NOT (pretty please) offer to clean his place. HE is a grown man. And to me, it would be a total deal-breaker and red flag as well. I could not date a pig or a slob. My husband is NOT the tidiest but he isn't nasty either. And I'd say your BF IS nasty in his habits. For me that would be an indicator of how he is as a person. If you can live in a pigsty... well, that would be a turn off for me. Huge turn off.
And he bought a bottle of coke to a homemade meal at your place? Wow, that is just... cheap... lol
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2015): I'm a tidy person, and I like order. I have never really dated anyone with a messy home or apartment; but I think I'd feel really "weird" about it if I had. In my case, most of the men I've dated are professionals and earn a good living; so their economic situation allows no excuse for being a slob. If I walked into a mess like you described; I'd do an about-face, and I'd never return.
I will not even suggest your helping him to clean; because that isn't your responsibility. He's an adult. I don't care how sweet he is. If you decide to move-in together down the road, you'll be constantly cleaning-up after him. That to me is a red-flag and a flat-out deal-breaker. Not because I'm snobbish. Everyone gets a little untidy unless you're totally anal-retentive to the degree of neurosis! I will not tolerate filth, dirty clothes, and unwashed dishes lying around. That breads infestations of bugs and mice. I would be afraid he'd bring it to my house! I'd fear he has bed bugs and other nasty creatures!
I don't like slobs. It's a reflection on your behavior and personality. There's no excuse for it. It only means cleaning and organizing will not get done, unless someone else does it. My boyfriend owns a construction and paving business. He likes to get dirty. Not at my house! He used to leave sandy tracks in my hallway from his American-size 12 boots, and dusty clothing. He loves teasing me about how I look when I find them. I don't find it funny at all. Now he cleans up before coming over. Funny, his place is immaculate! He has a lady come in three times a week to clean it. I'm my own maid! As I grew up, we made our beds when we got up, placed dirty clothes in the hamper, and folded and put-away our own clean laundry. It stuck with me!
If you feel weird about it, I trust it will continue gnawing at you until you decide he's just not your cup of tea. You want a man who looks after himself, has class, can maintain order in his household, and wouldn't only be dating you for a potential live-in cook and housekeeper.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (23 November 2015):
 I second your own post, OP. Id react the same way you do, and honestly.. if he's just a new boyfriend I'd walk out. I am clean and tidy as well and could never picture my life living with a slob.
If all you want from him is good times and no future, then there's no reason to care for his filthiness. But if you want a future and a husband/family/live in boyfriend, then this is not the man for you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2015): I am OP. No he doesn't see his house as a problem. He said it is fine as it is.
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A
female
reader, NORA B  +, writes (23 November 2015):
Well i feel that you have answered your own question when you described the situation as WEIRD.Do you care enough for him to ADVISE him to clean up his act and see where it goes from there.Also would you consider asking him to talk to a counsellor.It really depends how serious you are about him and also if he is willing to clean -up.Best luck NORA B.
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