A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:hey everyone . Ive just started seeing my new boyfriend we spoke about lots of stuff how we like and dislike things in bed . He told me he likes being ' in control ' in the bedroom slight bondage stuff and various other stuff i havent tried . Ive told him im willing to try some stuff but i have slight worry as im fat ( size 20 ) uk size. Hes also into filming he said he would delete the recording after we have watched it and shows me that its deleted . I know if he ever put it online he would get in serious trouble. I know i dont want to just stand there fully naked while he inspects me and hes fully dressed , i plan on talking to him again before doing anything .I know of a lot of stuff that could happen im not totally sheltered . I know im not young but i still am shy . It will be the first time sleeping with him so nerves are there but is there any reason i should be worried or am i in for a shock with stuff he likes and ive not tried ?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2016): im the op , update he was trying to push for things so i said no and to jog on m he did jog on shows he wasnt worth it . lucky escape for me this time thanks everyone
A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (9 December 2016):
 Good for you OP!
Glad you made your stance known. Part of a healthy relationship is trust, mutual respect and being able to communicate clearly with your partner.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2016): Hi im the OP. thank you everyone for your advice . I stood up and made my demands so to speak. I told him no filming and no being tied up and lots of other stuff and he agreed . I wont be putting myself in a position i cant get out of and he knows when i say certain things hes to stop . Theres no drinking either so theyll be no excuses . I think we were both just getting swept up with all the excitement espesh him . He knows im not a door mat and never will be , i had a friend like that and it wasnt good. Any attempt at anything i say no to wont end well for him and hell be back on the single market .
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (9 December 2016):
You NEED to stand up for yourself and you NEED to set some rather FIRM demands yourself.
I'd say:
1. NO filming. He can make ALL kind of promises they that won't end up on the net, but here is the kicker, PEOPLE LIE! If YOU are comfortable LATER on with filming, use OYUR camera and YOU delete it. Ther are just WAY too many stories out there where people have used "home videos" for revenge and blackmail - this is a NEW BF, so you are STILL in the process of getting to know him.
2. It's FINE that he is into kinky stuff, but that doesn't mean you are now his sexual slave or servant. I'd probably suggest you two TALK about what you are COMFORTABLE trying and go slow in introducing kinks.
3. I agree with Denizen, that it needs to be FAIR play, which means if you got tied up first, he gets tied up next time. Or if you don't get anything out of tying him up, have a mix of what he might consider "vanilla" and what YOU prefer.
4. Olderthandirt points out a VERY good point. UNLESS you are BOTH into master/sub - having ONE person be in "control" all the time of the sex is NOT a good thing. If he thinks some kind of "50 shades of shit" is sexy, I'd like to point out, that those books don't deal with BSDM but with abuse and manipulation. And seriously, that isn't sexy.
5. BE OK with saying NO! or STOP! if things feel uncomfortable, degrading or painful.
6. Personally, I'd want to know a person VERY VERY well before adding KINKS in the bedroom. It requires total trust and no one has that with a new person they DO NOT fully know.
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A
female
reader, EnvyLawliet +, writes (8 December 2016):
Okay, one... You do not need to worry unless he doesn't listen to you. Bondage is a very common thing, perhaps ask him if you can start off small. handcuffs and blind folds and work your way up as you have not tried if before. If he cares for you, he will understand that you are uncomfortable with this and will take the steps with you. Remember that sex is for both partners and if you are willing to try new things remember that it is at your own speed, tell him you are okay with it but can you take it slowly to start off with. Leave camera's and the really intense stuff until you feel more comfortable with what is going on. The world is awakening sexually at a rapid rate and this is nothing to be afraid of. KEY: remember it is for both of you, discuss it with him and decide a speed.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (8 December 2016):
 The Warning sirens are deafening.. This guy is TROUBLE and you need to reevaluate your relationship with him NOW. I can see no light at the end of this tunnel lest it be a train. No one should be "in control" in a sexual relationship. There should be two people trying to provide pleasure to one another. Being in love helps but is not necessary to have mutually enjoyable copulation. But definitely no one "controls" the other. My best advice to you is to give this dude the old heave ho and let him control someone else. Good luck I hope you find a real man that has a much more human approach to lovemaking.
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A
female
reader, Ioanna Aigidou  +, writes (8 December 2016):
First of all..you shouldn't let him film you at all.Do not ever do that..specially when you don't want it. Secondly he should respect your opinion. That shows that he cares only about himself.
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A
male
reader, Denizen +, writes (8 December 2016):
 I think you should be worried about him. It is one thing to get into a bit of bondage if that turns you on. It is another to want to film it - I mean, why would you if you are going to immediately delete it?
Only do things you want to do. I have heard it said that the submissive one is really the one in control because you dictate what will happen in the scenario.
You might also stipulate that it is turn and turn about. If you get tied up then next time it is his turn. It's only fair.
You aren't there just for his gratification are you. That means you surrender your will to his and that can become a one way street.
So make sure you set the limits, the safe words, and I would suggest no filming.
You need to be awfully careful. What's more if this is your first time with him wouldn't something more conventional be appropriate?
The further I get into this reply the less I like what he is proposing. Stay in control even if you let him think he is!
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