A
male
age
41-50,
*secureone
writes:My name is, James. I am 35 years old and really need help. I have been single for a long time. I recently became involved with a woman and through my neediness and insecurity have already lost her. I have always been this way and I am not sure how to change it. I have a really hard time meeting new people because I fear rejection. It seems easier to just admire from afar and never risk getting hurt. I am not unattractive and I am in really good physical condition. These feelings of inadequacy still seem to haunt me no matter what. How can I get past this so I too can enjoy a happy life with someone? Reply to this Question
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male
reader, nsecureone +, writes (6 July 2010):
nsecureone is verified as being by the original poster of the question Well, I have thought of having friends set me up. All my male friends are married, so getting help from them is pretty much out of the question. The therapist idea has crossed my mind a few times. How would I even go about seeking out a therapist for my particular problem. Most people see therapist for things like depression and I don't know, more serious issues? How do I go in and say, "Doc, I am insecure and feel inadequate around women, help me." The going out and setting a goal of talking to ten women sounds like a really good idea. Only problem, I am a single full-time parent. No contact from the mother what so ever. So other than work, I already have a full plate.
A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (5 July 2010):
 Have your friends set you up with dates to get past the fear of rejection. And consider: rejection is just someone who does not know you saying "No," so it is not an informed judgement of your character. You lose nothing by being rejected. Conversely, admiring from afar, all you can admire are looks, never character. You lose opportunities by not facing rejection.
To get over rejection, go out and set a goal to talk to ten random women one night, with some supportive friends. Don't bother trying to win them over, just talk, get rejected, and get used to the feeling.
Once you've had a first date, focus on your own body. Breathe slowly, relax, lean back, stand up straight, and move slowly but deliberately. Focusing on relaxed body language will actually calm your mind down, and be attractive as well.
Understand that, as a guy, you will continue to be attractive for some years to come, and you can afford to miss some opportunitites. While it can never completely eliminate the possibility, being willing to lose someone paradoxically makes you less likely to do so.
Good luck on building that confidence up.
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