A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:So this is about my mother and her opinion about my relationships.I am a 30 year old guy and I've had a few long and short time rekationships where I introduced my gfs to my mother. Most of the time they got along well - when we visited, my mom cooked for them, bought presents for them, called them on their birthdays and so on. But in the meantime (sometimes behind their backs, sometimes face to face), she could be very cruel and judgmental, which led to huge fights and sometimes problems in my relationships with these girls as well.On one occasion for example my ex and I were housesitting for them and we decided to cook for them so that they'd have something to eat when they come back from a long trip abroad. Upon coming home (my ex had gone home by the time they arrived), my mother thought that the food that my ex prepared was not very good and told me that "I might as well just stop bringing home such stupid bitches who can't even prepare such a simple meal right." Yeah, those were her words. And stuff like this happened with other exes too. If they didn't do something the way she expected them to do, she was just plain cruel and judgmental.Now I have been with my current gf for one year now, we also live together. My gf is very independent with most things, she has a good job (she earns more than I do, and more than my mother as well, who's 20 years older than her) etc. Right now though she's been a bit depressed and she's also hurting physically (we were in a car accident a week ago and we're still recovering), and during a recent telephone conversation with my mother I mentioned to her that because of these, we won't be cleaning the flat this weekend but rather pay for a cleaning service. My mother told me that in that case I "should just get rid of her as soon as possible" because "depression is basically whining", and no matter what problems she (my mother) had had in her life, she always found the power to get up do everything herself, like normal people do, who are not this lazy. I immediately hung up and then she started a rant on whatsapp about how she managed to build a great life and buy houses and flats etc. and cleaned with her own hands all her life without feeling sorry for herself. Now actually this is very far from the truth because she's super dependent on others, all that her and my father achieved was because my father earns good money, she expects him to pay overheads, buy a new a car and then even drive her to places (she doesn't even know how to refuel a damn car, let alone how much the car itself cost), and she needs help with everything (unlike my gf). I mean, I remember that even her college papers were written by my dad mostly. And of course when she has health issues, then that's all she can talk about and expects everybody to feel extra sorry for her.I was angry so in my resposne on whatsapp I also told her these things, after which she didn't reply so I know that she's super upset right now and probably thinks that I am unjust and cruel because of course "she just wants what's best for me."I feel that I should just ignore her but sometimes this is just too much to deal with. Any thoughts about what should be the best course of action? Thanks in advance, all answers are much appreciated.
View related questions:
depressed, money, my ex Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2017): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all very much for the answers! I'll keep these in mind and tell her less about my life, that is the best thing to do.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2017): It's possible your mother is projecting her own relationship issues onto you. However I wouldn't waste time trying to work her out. Great advice from other aunts re: stop telling her so much. Keep your private life private. It's part of growing up. If you love your girlfriend you will defend her by removing opportunities for your mother to be nasty.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2017): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your advice @Classy Debra! Yes, unfortunately I share too much information when I visit her or when we talk on the phone because sometimes she's totally OK for months and I kinda let my guard down and try to be in a good relationship with her. But then, all of a sudden she just starts doing this again. I should probably remember what she's like even when things seem to be fine between us.
A little extra information about the not being married thing: though my mother has told me many times that I simply can't get a relationship right, she and my father got a divorce after like 3 years of marriage and though they later reconciled and have lived together, all I hear from her ever since is how she wants to "finally get rid of him". I also told her during our last fight that maybe she shouldn't be the one giving advice about relationships to people, since she's been living with someone she admittedly hates for more than 30 years. But having her bills, clothes, holidays and everything else paid is still nice I guess, so she's just gonna stay and bitch behind his back.
She got extra pissed of course...but I just don't care anymore.
...............................
A
female
reader, Yucy  +, writes (16 January 2017):
 Dear 30 year-old Anonymous,What you are currently encountering is not uncommon. Mothers, being mothers, naturally want the best for their children. Be it in the form of their children’s careers, education, lifestyles and in your case, relationships and eventually, your future wife. Your mom wants the best “candidate” for you in your relationship, someone who is “perfect” in every way, someone like your mom.Unfortunately, for you and your current gf/ ex-gfs, there is no such woman as a “perfect gf” or “perfect wife”, nor one who will ever be able to meet the expectations of your mom. Because there is no other person in this world that is going to be exactly like your mother.There are many cases where mothers are critical of their children’s choices in partners during relationships and in most of those cases, its fairly common for misunderstandings to arise. Both parties (gf and mom) would usually just need to show more tolerance, respect and patience towards one another. But in your case, your mom seemed to have adopt an unhealthy habit of passing disparaging and somewhat, insulting remarks to your gf/ ex-gfs.You need to ask yourself what exactly are the reasons that are causing this behavior. Many a times, people who are insecure resort to methods of belittling others or putting others down to make themselves feel better, to increase their self-worth, or self-confidence.How is the relationship between your mum and your dad? Did you raise your concern to your dad and what is his response? How does your dad feel about your gf/ ex-gfs? Did your mom encounter any examples of “ill-mannered” gfs from her acquaintances’ sons or from family members? Does your mom have any unfulfilled ambitions when she was younger? Is there a more serious under-lying issue that needs to be resolved instead?Instead of telling your mom off over Whatsapp about how “imperfect” and “dependent’ she is, you should let her know that her actions and words were extremely hurtful to your gf, and ultimately, those same words and insults also hurt and upset you as well. You need her to be respectful to your gf, as well as to all of your other friends and acquaintances, as well as respecting your choices. Keep in mind that you are the best person to determine if your gf is really bad at house-keeping or if your mom is deliberating “finding faults”.Your mom has to understand the fact that your gf is also someone’s else child, someone’s precious daughter. I believed your gf’s family also hoped that you are the “best” bf for her. How would your gf’s family members feel if they knew that your mom is deliberating “finding faults” with her, and that your gf is actually unhappy in this relationship with you?You are an adult now, and you are currently living together with your gf. It’s high time your mom let you make your own choices, be it good choices or bad choices. They are still your OWN choices. And you will take responsibility for your own choices, you do not need your mom to worry for you anymore. Good luck.
...............................
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  + ♥, writes (16 January 2017):
 Your strength lies in how you react to your mother as, obviously, you cannot control how SHE acts.My mother used to be a little bit like this (not in the same league as yours admittedly, but always having a pop about something). I found the best way to handle it was to walk away from it and resume contact when she was feeling more civil. It was very simple to do: as soon as she started being horrible, I would end the conversation. Next time I phoned her, I would start from scratch and see where the conversation went. As soon as she started being nasty, the conversation would end again. That way I took back control over what was said to me. (This followed a childhood of verbal abuse, during which I had no control whatsoever.) Maybe another good tactic would be to give your mother minimal information on what is happening in your life? If you had not told her about the cleaning service (which has nothing to do with her), the situation would not have arisen.
...............................
A
female
reader, Nittynora +, writes (16 January 2017):
 If you only knew the emotion this has stirred up in me. Your story has brought so many memories back for me. Although I love her dearly mother mother was just the same. Every boyfriend I had she split us up. I was engaged and she made me give him up threatening to throw me out of the house If I did no. I was very young at the time and had no money etc.
Your mother is very manipulative, she does this by acting helpless, its a classic trick by someone who is manipulative. I think your mum is much more able to do things than you realise of course she could look after herself. She is pulling on your heartstrings and emotionally blackmailing you. Please don't let her be strong
As a mental health nurse her attitude to depression is awful she has no understanding of the illness.
yes you are right you should ignore her. What I did was I became very secretive I did not tell my mum half of what was going on in my life. YOU ARE TELLING HER TOO MUCH, ....don't. You are giving her ammunition to pull on those heart strings, don't let her. Don't tell her that you cant clean the flat, and don't do too much like cooking meals, anything where you give her room to criticise.
Let me tell you something my friend ....NO GIRLFRIEND WILL EVER BE GOOD ENOUGH. What ever you do she will always complain. I am 53 and it took me until I was in my 40s to really stand up to my mother. I bet you are an only child, I am. You can still love her and be respectful but don't let her put you on a guilt trip.
One day hopefully you will be married then you will have to out your wife and family FIRST.
Don't give in you have done nothing wrong on whatts app you have told your mum the truth let it sink in. Don't ring her, I used to do that after and argument and my mum ALWAYS won.
Shes your mum she wont stop loving you and vice versa she will come running back. You have a life and you deserve to live it with whom you want to. Good luck, I will be thinking of you now. xx
...............................
A
female
reader, Classy Debra +, writes (16 January 2017):
My Response:
You are correct. Your mother is judgemental, cruel and poison's your relationships. The question is "What are you going to do about it?"
Since you are all grown up and living on your own, you don't need to tell your mother every detail of your life. She is only going to criticize you and compare herself to your girlfriends. She proved that with her comments about the meal that was prepared for her and your girlfriends choice to hire someone to clean while she recovers from the car accident. She is not going to change. I hope you do realize this.
ACTION PLAN: Stop informing of your mother of your private business. It is certainly none of her business who cleans your flat. If she was really concerned about you, she would have offered to come over to help out while you both recover. Perhaps she could do some light cleaning or cook some homemade soup. Since we know this will never happen, don't open up your life for her criticisms. Abuse comes in several forms. Verbal abuse is just as painful as physical abuse.
She may be critical because you ar living with a woman you are not married to. Couples that live together have two possible outcomes:
1. They break up
2. If they marry, they have a 75% divorce rate
The next time you visit your mother simply tell her that any negative comments about your girlfriend won't be tolerated. If she won't stop, get your hat and leave. This is how you gain respect.
Keep your business private and the cruel and judgemental comments will disappear. She won't be able to poison your relationships if she doesn't know what's going on. Silence is Golden!!
...............................
|
