A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I dated my wife for 5 years, now we are happily married for 6 years with 4kids. My mother was ok with her the first 2 years of us being together but after that she hated my wife for no reason. My mother became jealous of our relationship then she started to bully my wife. I was a momma’s boy I was afraid of confronting my mother so she continue to bully my wife for 3 more years before we got married. She became pregnant shorty after we got married...as soon she realized she was pregnant she wanted a divorce. Because of my mom bulling she suffered from panic attacks and she don’t want to put our child and her health at risk anymore. It’s sad that it took me that long to realize how bad things are between my mother and wife, I promise her to let me fix our marriage so she took me back. I confront my mother of the things she’s said or done to my wife but it’s like talking to a stop sign. She always find excuses for her behavior and now she’s having to wear heart monitor that she can’t deal with me confronting her anymore. She absolutely refuse to accept boundaries and she don’t care my wife is having panic attacks from stress. I’m afraid my only option is to cut her off completely, part of me want to...and part of me is angry that she don’t want to admit she’s wrong. My wife never said anything to her or my younger sister whenever they make passive aggressive remarks towards her for years she kept it to herself which cases these attacks years later and I was a coward for not defending her. Has anyone deal with this behavior? Or cutting off all contact is my only solution?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2018): Try the happy compromise.
You arrange to meet at a beautiful place such as a park where the children can play and the wife can neatly side step your mother.
Then you see your mum safely home and spend a little time chatting and checking that your mum is safe.
Then you return to wife and kids who have taxied or driven to their own home.
That way no one is left out.
And everyone has a happy memory of the day.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2018): As a rmn mental health nurse . I would give honeypie suggestion a go . Only thing is don't have her over at your house .. it is much easier to excuse yourself than make someone leave without causing a scene .make your home a safe place for your wife and children. Take them to see grandma . Tell grandma you'll visit her due to the situation and if she is nasty then you will leave .
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (25 October 2018):
 One of the hardest thing to face is mental illness within family. A denial tactic would be, mental illness exists everywhere else, but close to home. Part of the cowardice is the fear of pain when facing this fact, and accepting how bad it is affecting others. For the sake of your wife and children you have no choice but to cut contact, if not just limit with your mom. When you realize you can't reason with your mom, the best you can do is to provide a healthy environment for your wife. If your wife's condition is so bad that she can't take care of the kids, it will be a heavy burden for you to take care of them all. Before you even try reasoning with your mom, I already knew she wouldn't take it well. A mentally healthy person does not bully a family member to the point of mental breakdown. You should not have to explain why it's wrong. Mentally people have problems controlling their speech and behavior because they are either psychotic or they are missing some important nutrients. Do you actually live with your mom or do you live very close? Marital strain caused by in laws is reason why lots of people choose to leave to a faraway place even those with children. Consider yourself lucky that your wife gave you a chance. Your advantage is that you have 4 kids together so for that sake she would give it one more try.
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A
female
reader, Bella Bailey  +, writes (24 October 2018):
Well, being dismissive of your mother's behaviour certainly hasn't helped or aided your family's situation thus far. Therefore I recommend being honest and open with your feelings and thoughts whenever your mother shows her disdain. Be very matter of fact and blunt as seeing you get emotional and hurt by her words and actions has not changed her mind. The best thing to do is go cold. Ask her to leave, or leave yourself! Take you and your family away from it all when it gets ugly. If your mother is being stubborn with her feelings then you also have to be, don't just tell her, SHOW her that you refuse to accept her behaviour and if she WON'T change then she WILL leave. I understand the feelings of guilt that come with it, for I too have been in this position and understand what it's like trying to please both sides whilst feeling lost yourself. But you know what is right and what is wrong and no matter who is hurting your loved ones - even if it is another loved one - you need to support and acknowledge the right side. Don't allow her to show this behaviour. If needs be even reprimand her as though she was a child! You need to constantly reinforce in her mind that what she is doing is wrong and hurtful. Even if that means hurting her a little yourself to make her see what it's like to be at the receiving end of such nastiness! I believe that the way to resolve this is to treat her as if she was a child bullying another child. Continue to show her that the behaviour is unacceptable. Think of ways to show her what it's like to be on the receiving end. Heck, even make her feel uncomfortable in your house if she continues! But always be vigilant and never let a passing comment slide as its just another spark to light her flame. Your wife should be your main priority right now as she is the most affected by this. If it comes to the point where you have to choose, choose your wife. Let your mother know that this will ruin your relationship with her of it carries on. Be serious. Be assertive. And be truthful to what is most important to you.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (24 October 2018):
 I don't think you HAVE to cut her out completely, but give her time-outs like you would a toddler.
So, IF she visits and acts like a malicious monster, ASK her to gather her stuff, MARCH her to the car and DRIVE her home. Tell her you will NO longer accept her bad behavior and that it's HER choice how much she will see you, your wife and the grand-kids.
The thing is... she has gotten away with shitting ALL over your wife for 9 years. It's going to take some BRASS BALLS to make her back off.
BUT the choice will be HERS.
Your priority should be your LITTLE family, that means your wife and kids. THEN your mother.
IF you CHOOSE to do nothing.... you might lose your family.
If you CHOOSE to say enough, she might change, she might not, but at least you aren't being an un-supportive husband who is still tied to mom's apron strings.
Toxic people can create misery that spreads like rings in the water. BUT ONLY if you let them. At some point you are going to have to say ENOUGH is ENOUGH.
And IF she refuses to accept responsibility for her bad behavior, then THAT is her choice. It will be HER choice to not BE in your life and that of her grand kids, BECAUSE she CHOOSES to be a evil witch rather then a positive influence on her son, daughter in law and grand-kids.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (24 October 2018):
 You need to sort out your priorities. As a married man, your priority SHOULD be the well-being of your wife and child and, hence, your marriage. If your mother is putting your wife's welfare at risk, you have two choices: either stand up to your mother and stop her saying/doing what she is doing to upset your wife so much or cut contact completely.
It sounds, from your post, like the relationship between your wife and your mother may be beyond repair, especially if your mother will not accept any responsibility for what has gone wrong or be willing to behave differently towards your wife.
In your shoes I would try one more time but, if it really is a dead loss, then explain to your mother that, much as you love her, you love your wife and child more and, due to her behaviour, you are going to have to cut/limit contact with her to save your marriage. With any luck, an ultimatum such as losing contact with her grand child will be a wake-up call for your mother but I wouldn't bank on it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2018): Your mother has to be in her 60's or 70's; so you can't be all that afraid of a woman that age. She some sort of mobster's wife or something?
Being so passive or timid that you're leaving your wife vulnerable to psychological-warfare with your mother isn't shining a good light on you, my friend. Your wife is suffering from panic-attacks; which is crippling and can limit normal day to day functioning. Your mother has to be railing on her continuously like a harpy to do that to someone.
As a man and a husband; you have a responsibility to protect your family, and it's uncertain what kind of advice you're expecting if you're too afraid of her to do anything?
You're a 40 year-old man, talking about your mother!!! Not your father, or some mean group of family-members. One lady!
For your mother to be that much of bully, she's probably dealing with a borderline personality-disorder, or she's a narcissist. It's either of those issues; or you need to contact an exorcist!
If she suffers from mental-illness that was never diagnosed and treated, maybe it's time for an intervention. Eventually age and illness will mellow her into a frailer state. Meanwhile, you owe it to your wife to keep the peace in your household; and keep your mother away from her. By whatever means necessary.
I can't imagine why you can't put down the phone, or not accept her visits. How hard is that?
How can you in good-conscience standby and watch your mother run your wife into the ground; and admit you're afraid of her? Are we talking about the Hulk or a WWF wrestler?
I'm really sorry it's not your wife writing this post. I don't think she can count on you to deal with your mother.
What does it take to provoke your protective-instincts?
She is literally making your wife sick; and you can't gather the nerve to tell your mother to stay away from your family.
If cutting-off all contact is what it takes; then do it.
If your wife had written the post; I would have suggested she give you an ultimatum. Get you mother under control, or leave you. It's not worth sacrificing her health over. If you can't find the backbone to lookout for the woman you love; she'd be better off away from all of you.
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