A
female
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anonymous
writes:Hello, I am in my mid-20’s and my mother does everything she can to rule over my life. I am married, own a house, about to go to school for my master degree, and I have a steady job (for now).Whenever I share anything personal with my mother, she tries to only bring up the negative. For example, I told her that in a few years my husband and I will probably try for a baby (a drastic change from me never wanting one) and have been setting aside money for when the time comes. Instead of being happy (she’s always wanted grandkids) she says “Oh, you mean the baby you never wanted??” and changed subjects.I said that I have a steady job for now, and that’s because I am trying to change career paths. I’m well aware of what that will include because I have been researching it for quite a while. I told myself I would never tell her anything personal again. Then I let her know of my plans and she keeps telling me that the money is no good (it pays more than I make now and is in a more fulfilling field than I am in now.) But honestly the money is not an issue and I would even take a cut in pay (which I actually was planning for). I told her that and she just about exploded (my mother is very materialistic and her world revolves around money).I’ve talked to my grandmother about my moms behavior – I figured that if anyone knew my mom it would be her. Well, she said that my mother has never appreciated her and never knew when to step back. (This has resulted in my grandmother not speaking to my mom for years at a time on several occasions.) She said that it must be horrible to have someone like that as a mother. She said that my aunt was a much better mother. She said that she felt sorry for me having to have a mother who was never positive or appreciative of me. So, I didn’t really get any advice, but I was glad to hear that I wasn’t the only one thinking she was like this (my mother is totally different when anyone else is around, she wants everyone to think she’s “classy” and "professional").I have also been to 5 psychologists starting from when I was 17. All of them said that my mother is damaging to me. When my mother would ask about my sessions, I would tell her what they said – but in a gentle way – in hopes that we could be better friends, instead of *just* having her as my mother. She said that I was her daughter and that she didn’t want to be friends and said things like “who do you think you’re talking to?!” I wasn't trying to be a jerk, I just wanted to have a better relationship with my mother! And every time she found out the doctors told me it was 'her fault' (essentially) she would stop paying for me to go. Now that I am older, I could pay for myself but I already know what the problem is (my mom), but I just don’t know what to do. I thought it would end once I moved out. Now she comes over to help during the day (like if someone working on the house is coming over and I have to still be at work). When I walk in my door, I find that she has rearranged the furniture in my house when I tell her not to. I get in arguments with her about it and she said she did it anyway because *she* thought it would look better!! It’s driving me crazy!!!Should I just stop telling her personal things? What should I do? Can someone please help me? I'm dreading telling her when I actually get another job. And she's going to know because we both work at the same company right now - even in the same building. Ugh.(Sorry it’s so long, but I had a lot on my mind and there has been a history of her being like this my whole life. Could be longer, but I thought I’d spare you guys the rest.)
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female
reader, coldheartedb  +, writes (19 June 2008):
This woman is not showing you any respect. I suggest you change your lock and not give her a key. She doesn't deserve to have free access to your home even under the guise of helping you out. She will probably not change no matter what you tell her. She is too wrapped up in her own importance. Stop telling her your business. I wouldn't bother telling her you got another job either.She doesn't deserve any respect from you and you are a grown self sufficent woman. There is no reason in this world why you have to put up with her garbage. We can't stop the manipulation but we can change the ways in which it affects us.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2008): Sorry to have to tell you, but your mother will probably never change. My mother is almost 86 and practically bedridden. I'm 67 and Mother is still treating me as if I were a child.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2008): Me, too. I moved 2500 miles away. Didn't help. Didn't let her have my cell phone number. Wrote angry things regarding her behavior to her via email. Didn't help. It is very difficult to give up on the dream of having an intimate emotional relationship with your mother, but that is what you need to do if you want this to stop--you need to stop needing her. Behave as if she were dead. She isn't going to change. She has made that clear. So, if you want the situation to change, you must change. Stop trying. Remove yourself. change the lock. Don't invite her to your home. If you are in her presence and she confronts you, just laugh and say, "you ask the funniest questions." If she is in your company and badgers you, go into another room. If she follows you and continues, get in the car and leave for at least a few hours, if not altogether. Do this whenever she starts, and I mean immediately, not after she has gotten to you. Any response, even an angry or negative one, is behavioral reinforcement for her harshness. Don't give her the acknowledgment of her power over you that she desires. You are dealing with an emotional vampire, not a nurturing mother, and you cannot remake her in the image you would like her to be in. You can, however, do your behaviorist best to extinguish her undesirable behavior by absenting yourself when she goes there. You should not explain yourself whatsoever. Just get the keys and go. She knows what she is doing, but she will not admit it, and she absolutely will not talk with you about it. The fact that she upsets you satisfies her. It is perverted, and you must not let her drag you into her weirdness any more if you want it to stop.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2008): Darnit, if I didn't think you were talking about me and MY mother. I had to ask myself, "did I write that article and not realize I'd written it." The only thing is that I am 37 years old, no children, never been married (but that will change soon). I couldn't even begin to tell you the h*^ my mother has taken me through. It subsided a long while until she realized how serious my boyfriend and I have gotten. Now she's waging war and pulling out ALL of her arsenal. She's extremely negative, domineering, nasty attitude, condescending, very critical, sees the glass as empty (not even half empty)......please stop me. She hates my boyfriend (because he's getting all of my attention now and the attention is being taken away from her). Everything she thinks I should do in life is for HER good and not mine. Everything is really about her. She utterly depresses me and makes me miserable. She lies and tries to manipulate me. You got me on the part about our moms portraying that they are classy and professional. Oh, I forgot to mention that she is VERY judgmental and thinks more of herself than she ought to and everyone else is just marginal. NO MAN (or God), not even Jesus (seriously) would be good enough for her daughter. She's incapable of thinking rationally. She's just CRAZY. I don't know what else to do. We've gone to counseling over Thanksgiving holiday, but to little avail because she won't ever change. She's still trying to manipulate and control me. She made me soooo mad the other day to the point where I wanted to call her (and dad) and tell them to just take me out of the will and leave me the h%$ alone. She thinks she's acting in my best interest, but has no clue to the damage she is doing to me and our relationship. She's bamboozled my dad and now he's brainwashed. I can't talk to him and trust him like I used to. She's a bad mama-jama. She was shocked and dismayed when the counselor told her our family was dysfunctional. She never would have thought in a billion years our family was dysfunctional. She would think we were perfect, but only with a few bumps and bruises here and there. But no, she's "classy" and "professional" remember. I wish I had answers and solutions for you, but I haven't even been able to find any for myself. It's just a sad and unfortunate situation. Standing up to her is useless because that just fuels her fire even more. I don't want to live like that.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2007): I am currently in the same situation - I'm 31 years old, married, with 3 children, and almost nothing I say or do or have is ever good enough for my mom, who critisizes almost everything, from the kind of whisk I have in the kitchen to my house, where I live, the perch in the bird's cage, etc, etc. She has said very hurtful things about my life, my husband, my children, myself, has embarassed me in front of family, and is now saying things to my children that sometimes hurts them. The best way I have found to deal with this, is to limit our phone calls (we live in different countries, and I used to call her several times a week - now I call her maybe once a week), limit our contact (I will not spend Christmas with her, which is so hard sometimes), and limit the amount of information I give her about myself or my life. It had gotten to where I started to wonder if she was really my mother, because I didn't think my real mother would treat me like that. I love my mom with all my heart, and I was trying so hard to please her, but I can't seem to please her, no matter what I do. The best thing I can suggest is love your mom, pray for the situation and create some distance for your own health. You can't change your mom, but with God's help you can respond differently in yourself so that you don't end up feeling hurt all the time.
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female
reader, pica +, writes (2 October 2006):
To be honest she sounds like a woman with a lot of problems and you sound pretty together. The mother bond is much lauded but my own mum has always said that her mother - my gran - never loved her, and the stories she tells from childhood pretty much back this up. My gran was also a deeply unhappy person - I can remember her. It sounds like you want to give it one last try, making it obvious that that is what you are doing. But if it fails, change those locks and move on. It's sad but she does sound beyond help. Be strong and get on with your own life - you've tried your best. Good luck.
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female
reader, Irish49  + ♥, writes (2 October 2006):
 I know that some people can be completely oblivious to their own bad behaviors and the impact of it, on others. I do know that deep within you, you love this woman who is not appreciating the goodness, the heartfelt appreciation and love you bring into her life. The reason I think you should have one last chat with her, is because of your feelings in all this. Don't confront, just talk to her firmly and calmly...without criticism-without blame and with compassion/empathy for her. If you were to behave like her, she is not motivated to change, dear. She will just become angrier and that will make it far worse. Do not not fear your Mother's response and reactions to your chat with her...if she responds badly, this is her problem, not yours. But talking to her, might be the most respectful thing, you can do for her and it allows you to stand up for yourself, without getting angry. The key is not to behave badly. If you do, you will just feel more intense guilt. Just give her a chance to understand and do something different about her behaviour. If that does not work, then letting it go and detaching to a certain degree will keep you emotionally balanced and strong. You don't have to ignore her. Just visit less often and don't tell her anything personal and accept you may never have a 'close' relationship with your Mother. I also recommend you seek some pastoral, spiritual help from a family minister. I found this a great deal of comfort when I went through the same thing with my Mother. Good Luck, dear. Be strong and let go of the guilt. You have nothing to feel guilt over. Remember that.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIrish, you said "There is no reason whatsoever for you to simply put up with her foolishness because she gave birth to you." That's the part that really struck me. She seems to think the complete opposite and even tries to throw it in my face.
I do think you're right - I do think that I should give it one more try. But right now I'm so tired of feeling rejected with whatever I tell her. The last time I thought I connected with her, she told me she would treat me more like a friend. Then when I needed her to be there for me, she said that she wouldn't be since I was only a friend to her and not a daughter. She totally turned everything around and that hurt even worse (and there's no way she would treat any of her friends like that!) It's just like you said - I'm a very forgiving person when it comes to her and she knows that I'll still be here if she keeps dishing it out.
I do need to stand up for myself better with my mother - thank you for saying that. It's what I needed to hear when all I feel is guilt for doing so. Thank you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your advice, Camille. You're so right about the friends stuff. I hadn't thought of it like that before. And I hadn't thought about how she's going to be with her grandchild, either (omg!). I guess I'll cross that bridge when I get there, though...
I have actually tried writing her letters, but she doesn't finish reading them and says that I'm "attacking" her, even though I'm not (I'm one of the most patient, easy going people that I know). I have tried talking with her about our relationship, but she ends up either screaming at me and/or mocking me by repeating what I say in a "baby" voice. I feel like I can't have a meaningful, adult conversation with this woman. It's like I'm living in some kind of crazy world!
I think your last paragraph is right on. I think that's what needs to be done. I really need to learn how to stand up to her and keep in mind that I'm not doing anything wrong by living my life. Somehow she always makes me feel guilty for not doing things her way. It's a pattern - I tell her something, she pretty much tells me I'm an idiot, then I give her reasons why I do the things I do, she goes crazy, and I end up ignoring her, then I call to apologize for being upset at her, and she makes me feel guilty. I can't let her keep doing this to me. I shouldn't even have to give her reasons why I'm doing anything in my life, really.
Anyway, I want to thank you very much for listening and giving me your advice. It really means a lot and has been helpful!
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female
reader, Irish49 + ♥, writes (2 October 2006):
Your mother is a very smart person in spite of her emotional problems, dear. She knows how to manipulate you and possibly others in her family, to stay in control. She also knows she could never pull this kind of behavior with other people, in her life. They simply would never tolerate it. But she's figured out a damaging technique that works in her favor. Your therapists are right, she has problems, and this misbehavior you've been drawn into, will only becomes worse. I think you need to become the mature person in all this and simply withdraw and detach. But before you turn a blind eye for the sake of your own emotional health...I think as the more mature person, you owe it to yourself to give this one final 'kick at the can' and tell her, what her actions are doing to you and what the consequences will be. This can be done firmly and calmly. The only way to confront a controlling drama queen is with more drama which means---standing up for yourself. Do it for her, do it for you and for your future grandchildren. There is no reason whatsoever for you to simply put up with her fooloshness because she gave birth to you. I have always believed that this world would be such a different place, if people just learned to stand up for themselves.
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female
reader, camille +, writes (2 October 2006):
 I am sorry for your situation I really am. I am also sorry to say that you cannot change your mother. There's a saying, you can't choose your family. Perhaps going to that point you made about wanting to be friends...would you pick your mother as a friend? I suspect not therefore just better to accept this relationship for what it is.
If you haven't ever seriously spoken to her and told her how you feel, I think it's time to tell her. Either write her a letter then she can't jump in and cut you off, or be brave and stand up to her. You are her daughter yes, but you're a human, an individual. You have needs and she's not meeting them in any way. You have a right to your own thoughts, plans and life. She cannot tell you what to do and if she's not supportive, tell her you'd rather she didn't know and that you don't feel you should be sharing any information with her. For the sake of her potential grandchild, she'd better sort her act out or can you imagine what she's going to be like telling you how to dress the baby, feed the baby, bring up the baby? You won't be able to do anything right in her eyes (by the sounds of it) and so you need to tackle the issue head on. Many mothers are controlling and they sometimes continue totreat you like a child all your life as you'll always be her child, but you do not and should not have to put up with this.
If you don't make any headway, I suggest that you take any house keys off her, ask someone else to mind the house and refrain from telling her anything. You don't need this negativity in your life. It's sucking the good out of everything and that's draining you. You already have issue with your mother and you are perpetuating those by not breaking free of her. Good luck, I really hope you can talk to her. No matter what she says, stand by your beliefs, you haven't done anything wrong.
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