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My mother in law is an egoist and evil woman!

Tagged as: Family, Marriage problems, Three is a crowd, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (12 October 2017) 7 Answers - (Newest, 13 October 2017)
A female China age 26-29, anonymous writes:

I hate my mother in law. She is an egoist and evil woman. She is a cynist and speak badly about me behind my back. She keep posing a sullen face whenever im around. She used to be nice woman several years ago. But since this recent year, she changed drastically.

Unfortunalety, me and husband live with her. We live with her as my husband is the only son and the heir of their family. She would agree our marriage only if we live under the same roof which i fooly accepted as my dad comfort me and said its our tradition as an chinese and hes the only son and his parent would treat me good automatically because they love their son. But in reality she expect me to do what theyre doing and she complains much about me behind my back. The worker told me that his sister who is caring and considering person who help me much before said shes pity on my condition as she knows how her mom like and would like me to be more patient with her.

Ive speak about this to my husband and he cant do anything about it and stuck between me and his mom. He cant and wont confront his mom as he likes peace but deep down i know he also feel her mom is annoying. My husband tried to avoid her by studying abroad university but he never confront or answer any of her complains he just let her do what she wants. He wont quarrel or fight with his parent kind of person.

My husband understand me but cant really do anything right now. He promised me that if he can succeed and can afford me a home, we will move out and have a family of our own. He is struggling to make it real and i feel so grateful that he works hard for us. I know i can only be patient with this condition.

I dont want anything bad happen to us or them. But i know i wont and dont want to live with his mom forever. Woman cant live peacefully whenever mil is there. Especially the mil like mine who is so toxic and hurt my feeling very much.

As a newly wed, i plan to have a child as soon as possible so do my husband. But im not sure whether it will make things worse and harder living with his mom with my children. What effect and trouble will i face later makes me sick. Good for me that his father is a very kind person and treat me like his own daughter.

I need some suggestion and an advice for my situatuion. Thank you.

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (13 October 2017):

aunt honesty agony auntI remember your last question where it seemed you where jealous that she treats her daughters better than you and that they give her more money than there son yet he refuses to ask them for money.

If she treats you as bad as you say she does then talk to her and ask her why. Are you a good daughter in law? Do you work and provide in the home? Do you help her clean the home and cook? Do they pay for your bills and food or do you provide for yourself? You need to ask your mother in law how you can both get on better as it seems neither off you like each other.

If your husband is not around to support you then I can understand why you are frustrated but why go talk to your ex? Are you considering divorce?

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy + , writes (13 October 2017):

CindyCares agony aunt She does not like you- and you do not like her. You are even :)

Did you tell her openly that you think she is egoist and evil ? No ? Then... you are badmouthing her behind her back back ( by speaking badly of her to us ) same as she is speaking badly of you behind your back.

You have accepted what you got yourself into with your eyes open, I remember posts from before your marriage in which you said that you really did not want to live with your in laws ( not that I blame you, it may be your tradition but- it's a hard-to-live-with tradition, IMO ). If you ( and your husband ) did not feel brave enough to challenge the tradition, nor patient enough to postpone the wedding until your husband was financially independent and able to provide a roof over your head.... what's the point in complaining. Yes, I get it, a bit of venting may make you feel temporarily better, - yet at the end of the day , you live in HER house , and have to follow her rules, you owe her respect both as an older person, and as the one who is saving you tons of expenses. She might be the most annoying person in the world, but you surely are not going to change her personality unless she wants herself to change. She will be a mature lady, a bit set in her ways by now, ... it's a take it or leave it situation. The positive of it ( getting married with the approval of the family, with no fuss and no arguments- respecting the tradition and helping your husband be the dutiful son he is supposed to be, and , most of all, receiving financial support until your husband can stand on his own legs moneywise ) comes with a downside , which is having to put up with a grumpy, domineering mother in law.

All you can do is try to make the best of it. Mantain your composure, avoid friction as much as possible, be always polite and respectful no matter what, and if she pulls a sullen face when you are around, ... try to be around as least as possible and put your thoughts and time and energies in other things and projects than close family relationships. And comfort yourself with the thought that this is just temporary and eventually you'll move out . ( Although, let me be totally honest with you. I would not swear on that. Your husband seems just the kind of man who hates to rock the boat and wants to keep everybody happy, maybe he is telling you " we are moving out " to keep you happy, but to be honest I can't see him very well facing his parents' wrath, disappointment and emotional blackmail, which in 2, 5, 7 etc. years would be, if any, much bigger than now ! If by living on his own now he would " made then lose face "- imagine moving out his whole family, with children too, in a few years ! Are you sure he will want to deal with the atomic fallout of this kind of decision ? ...)

Speaking of children- I have got the feeling that you are not working or studying right now, maybe I am wrong, but if I am right, the first thing you've got to get yourself is a job, or a career , not a child ! There will be time for kids when you'll be independent and out of your in-laws ' clutches. If your husband is struggling to make himself financially successful, or at least independent, your having an income will help him greatly toward this goal and probably will cut in half the waiting time.

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A female reader, malvern United Kingdom + , writes (13 October 2017):

malvern agony auntDo you have a job? If not then it would be best if you went out to work everyday firstly to help your husband towards affording a house for you both, and secondly to get out of your mother-in-laws way. Having a baby at this stage in your life would actually make things worse because I think your mother-in-law would take over. My son is married to a Chinese girl and I know how family orientated the Chinese are. His mother-in-law tries to take over with their baby because they also live with the parents. Fortunately my son puts his foot down and doesn't allow her to dominate. The sooner you and your husband can have a home of your own the better. That's the time to start a family. Your priority is getting your own home. As your father-in-law is such a nice man can you not speak to him and tell him how you feel? He may be quite understanding and be able to suggest things to you about how to treat your mother-in-law. I agree with the other answers that your husband really needs to stand up to his mother and tell her to stop upsetting you.

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A female reader, malvern United Kingdom + , writes (13 October 2017):

malvern agony auntDo you have a job? If not then it would be best if you went out to work everyday firstly to help your husband towards affording a house for you both, and secondly to get out of your mother-in-laws way. Having a baby at this stage in your life would actually make things worse because I think your mother-in-law would take over. My son is married to a Chinese girl and I know how family orientated the Chinese are. His mother-in-law tries to take over with their baby because they also live with the parents. Fortunately my son puts his foot down and doesn't allow her to dominate. The sooner you and your husband can have a home of your own the better. That's the time to start a family. Your priority is getting your own home. As your father-in-law is such a nice man can you not speak to him and tell him how you feel? He may be quite understanding and be able to suggest things to you about how to treat your mother-in-law. I agree with the other answers that your husband really needs to stand up to his mother and tell her to stop upsetting you.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2017):

Hi wiseowle, i must admit what you said is mostly true, honestly im waiting for your comment everytime i post question.

May i know how can you be so realistic and understanding with peoples problem? Do you have any experience on psychology or its just pure instict to resolve problem?

I know i shouldnt be timid anymore and should stand on my feet and face every problem i got. I just feel very lonely that my husband cant really side on me. Yesterday he said he cant side with both me and his mom. He said we should make things clear between me and his mom by ourselves. When she said something hurtful he suggests me to ask ke directly in a nice way why she did that and what can i do to improve our relationship. I feel so lonely that he cant stand by me like any other husband my friends had.

I dont want to break his relationship with his family. But im so deppressed living without freedom and afraid of the impact if i did something. I cant be myself living with my in law.

Im considering to have a chat with my ex boyfriend as hes the one who can comfort me. My husband doesnt like to promised anything or said anything good justto calm me. He hates sugarcoating things and sometimes the way he responds to my complaints make me feel worse. He give me the impression that he doesnt want to do anything about us which make me feel so helpless and hating his mom more.

Am i at wrong?

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (13 October 2017):

I think your problem is you're a very timid and submissive person. You always feel everyone is picking on you. That's because you don't stickup for yourself; and you're the rug under everyone's feet.

You can write for advice all day long; but the problems you have are within your own personality. You have to be a stronger-person; or you'll get rolled-over by people with stronger personalities. Feeling sorry for yourself and always being a victim is going make your whole life a great big misery.

Your mother-in-law has the right to speak her mind and say whatever she likes in her own home. You just don't like the fact you have to stay there.

I'm going to put this bluntly. You also married a wimp of a husband; who isn't man enough to make sure his wife lives in comfort. What's he an heir to? He's really busy sucking-up to his mommy, and may as well suckle like a baby; if he can't keep his wife and mother civil towards each other.

Maybe he's waiting for you to stop being so submissive.

Since you and your husband have decided to live with his mother; I guess you will just have to adjust your personality to handle her ways. He takes off and leaves you there to deal with with the acid-queen; and acts like a little boy whose testicles haven't dropped yet. Afraid to ask his mother to treat you nicely. You on the other hand are so timid everyone pushes you around.

Well, you better grow a backbone, or get used to having everyone's footprints on your back.

Stop being a victim. Being timid and wimpy isn't working for you is it? Speak-up for yourself, ask people to treat you with respect. Tell your mother-in-law you respect her, and you wish only to get along. You are tired of her treating you so badly. Stand firm and don't back-down. Ignore 99% of what she says. You're a grown-woman, not a child.

Stand-up, or sit quietly like a good daughter-in-law until you get your own house!

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (13 October 2017):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntYou posted only recently about your situation, but your main issue then seemed to be the way your brother's sisters were treated better than you:

http://www.dearcupid.org/question/what-should-i-do-as-i-see-my.html

May I suggest that your MIL's attitude towards you probably reflects your attitude/behaviour towards her? Are you respectful? Do you try to help her in the house? Do you try to be her friend? Do you suggest the two of you do things together, like shopping or going out somewhere? Or do you just mope about, expecting her to do things for you and making it abundantly clear you are not happy? Do you try "being nice" to her, like smiling at her and asking if she needs help with anything, or bring her a drink and a snack without being asked?

Remember this is HER home too. It was HER home well before you arrived.

Do you work? Can you get yourself a job if not? That way it will not only get you out from under the MIL's feet but will also help you save towards your future. All this conflict and complaining to your poor husband cannot be helping him keep his mind on his studies.

In short, if there is nothing you can do to change your situation (i.e. living with your in-laws), then your only sensible alternative is to try to make the best of it. Sulking and moaning about how horrible it is will only make it seem worse. You are an adult now, not a child. You sound like an intelligent young woman. I am sure you can figure out how to make this situation better for yourself.

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