A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:This is a difficult problem and any help would be greatly appreciated. My mum has always been an attention seeking, malevolent narcissist. She likes to play the victim and does so at the expense of everyone around her. She has ruined her own and my relationships with family and friends. She told everyone a friend of hers who was also a woman was in love with her and she had fallen asleep in her house and woke up realising this friend had dressed her in lingerie. She then tarnished this Womans name to everyone though the Woman didnt know and now four years later she is talking to her again. Proving that it was a complete fabrication. She has a bf who she stole from a married woman with two young children, one of which is disabled. Now she talks behind his back without taking a breath for hours and hours a day. Saying hes a terrible dad and a cheat telling me the most intimate and gross details of their relationship. She is like a schizophrenic, smelling his underwear and saying she can smell other women on them. If he uses aftershave hes having an after. She snaps at the tiniest thing. He forgives her because the she fakes memory problems she has been in and out of the doctors and the hospital with no firm diagnosis but today she had a memory test and failed it as i suspected. Its so transparent yet he believes it was now shes saying its alzhiemers. Well i tell you her memory and her speech is perfect when hes not around or theres no audience. Its like she'd rather pretend to be ill then fix her mental health problems. She turns on me if i dont agree with her. She keeps me awake or wakes me up to talk to about him over no over. It makes me feel crazy i know hes not a bad guy but now she tells me and everyone else hes abusing her mentally when its the other way around. She checks his phone his emails she goes through all his stuff all the time - she used to do all this to me and now i take my phone and tablet everywhere. Shes a bunny boiler and she gets so nasty with me an him. He is so duped by her i'm ill excuses she pretends not to remember holidays, nights out and all to get away with being a bitch. I hear her bad mouth me if she has a problem she doesnt tell the person she just makes up a story of how someone else cause her bad mood its always someone elses fault. Shes toxic what do i do
View related questions:
disabled, married woman, underwear Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Abella  +, writes (28 October 2015):
 Even if her delusional behaviour and her toxic manipulation of everyone who's ever associated with her has severely undermined your own self esteem, you must cut contact and leave that situation(at least for a time to help you recover from the toxic actions of your mother).
Once you do leave I would expect that she may try to graduate to harassing you at work or through your friends.
Do not put up with that.
It is not your fault that she is so toxic.
She has persisted with her disruptive behaviour for a long time.
If she starts to try embarassing you at work then let security at your workplace know that she has no business entering your workplace.
You have no reason to feel guilty about reducing contact with your mother.
If she is truly toxic I expect that she'll try to undermine you and your reputation as retaliation for you daring to leave her.
I expect your friends have sussed out how mean she is. Pre-warn your closest friends that this undermining may start. They will soon learn to take her catty remarks in their stride.
Move out slowly. Without fanfare. You leaving will be a huge threat, to her.
You could start by having what looks like a weekend away, (but is instead to your next place to live, even if it's a friend's place). Take important papers and more of your clothing than you'd really need, for the implied weekend away, and leave it the items at the new temporary abode.
Then take the rest on another occasion.
Once your mother mother realizes that you really have left then your mother may even bar you from re-entering her abode. Which is why you'll need to think through how to get all your things, successfully.
If there's a Citizen's Advice Bureau nearby then consult with them about what support you can access in the UK to find longer term affordable accomodation for you.
The burden on you, imposed by your mother's behavior, must really impact on you. I would not blame anyone who was exhausted by the disruptive actions of someone like your mother such that they had decided that ''enough is enough''.
While you are consulting with the people at the Citizen's Advice Bureau you might see what professional services could be put in place to support your mother. Her actions suggest that she needs some psychological professional support that is beyond that which the family should be expected to try to supply. Some of her actions sound deliberately unkind and lacking in any awareness of the impact her actions have on others.
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (28 October 2015):
 You work on moving out. Even a room-mate situation might be preferable to living with your mom. Do you have a job?
THIS is who she is. She is not going to change.
And seriously, she doesn't REALLY get away with being a "bitch", as you call it, - SHE had to live in her own little delusional world. And while she might have narcissistic traits and be a totally selfish, immature, inconsiderate person she MAY know that there are people who don't believe her and for that reason don't want to be around her.
...............................
A
female
reader, Slippers +, writes (28 October 2015):
From your post I think you must be living at home as she keeps waking you up, am I right ? .. I have no objection to adults living at home .. In today's society it's very difficult with low pay and high rents but to stay at home longer before going out on your own .. or if may be your personal circumstances have changed .. and you've come back home ..is not a bad thing .What is; is the fact from your post .. that your mother enjoys to tell long tales and get attention ..As a child when or if our parents are like this we have nothing more to do, but like or lump it ..as an adult we can stream it.If your mother is bad mouthing her bf, make an excuse .. Make a cuppa don't be rude .. just say something like .. I know mum..its not ideal what your saying .. here I make a cuppa .. or I have to go for a bath or I have this to sort in my room and leave her to bleat on; on her own ..You can only listen to certain things for a certain amount of time .Her coming into your room; especially if your working next day or even not is a no no .. I would say mum I'm really tired and give her a hug let's talk about this in the morning.If however you feel the above wouldn't work .. or you have tried them.. then it's plan b .. is there someone else you can move in with .. flat share .. your dad's .. or a good friend ?As a mental health nurse ..I can say this behaviour will not change; unless your mother realises and acknowledges she does it .. which of course she will not .So for the sake of your sanity and little of the relationship that you have .. you seriously need to look at other avenues ..or just muckle down until you can ..There is no miracle cure ..It wish were was sweetie .. just take care and chin up
...............................
|
