A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My mother and father are visiting my brother and his family today and tomm its my turn, they will be staying with me. I live alone. They live interstate and I see them maybe twice a year, I enjoy catching up with them, and we mostly get along, as long as I avoid too personal topics, and we do speak on the phone also. My mother is always extremely critical of my appearance, too thin, too fat, too pale, hair not right, skin bad, dress sense terrible, etc etc. She Also does this to my sister and brother but as Im the oldest I get it worst and then she reports back to them on my looks..just so we all know what she thinks. I am getting my hair coloured in a weeks time as I cant afford to this week, and I know my mother will comment on the ugly regrowth tomm when I see her.. Aside from ignoring her comment, or.. being sarcastic back, (which may cause tension.. and I just want to have a pleasant day or so with them..) What is another way of dealing with this, Ive lived out of home for many yrs now but her critical remarks "am just trying to help" she says, are getting out of hand. She has no right to analyze and critique every part of me.. I am polite to her.. and would never say "gee your hair looks so bad" or "I hate you shoes" she would.. Maybe I should tell her her hair looks bad? or that I don't appreciate her criticism, need something to shut her up or she will go on and on about my hair for most the visit. I am having a tough time lately and am really trying to be happier, and I don't need her criticism, and yes I know mothers care, but she needs to know that im not just here for her to critique.. She always make me feel like a 15 yr old.. help! Reply to this Question
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (6 October 2014):
 If you KNOW she is going to comment on stuff... beat her to it...
when she walks in say 'mom you look great. I want to list that I am currently:
1. in dire need of hair color and I am going next week as I did not want to take time away from our visit to tend to myself
2. i am xx pounds (more or less) than I would like to weigh.. dieting/exercising is so hard to do regularly dontcha think
3. i've been too busy to clean. I have a lovely busy life and I choose to not waste money on maids and I like my home the way it is
4. add anything else you think she might say
then EVERYTIME she says something negative I would OVERREACT with "your right mom... I'm a mess, when you leave I'll kill myself since I disappoint you so badly. I'll use pills and do it naked in the bathtub so I don't make a mess.." then smile at her.
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (4 October 2014):
 Switch subject EVERY TIME she starts getting critical. Ignore what she said just move to another subject. Sooner or later she might actually catch on that you don't want to hear her "opinions".
It's called deflecting.
I think she wants you to "defend" yourself or agree with her, so by deflecting you basically tell her that you don't want to hear what SHE thinks of those subjects.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (4 October 2014):
 Tell her if she doesn't like your hair, the two of you can jump into her car and drive to the hairdresser's and your mom can pay for a color job. Same with your clothes, a gym membership, etc... Some people will learn to keep their mouths shut if voicing their opinions involves their purse strings.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (4 October 2014):
 I would greet them, at the door, wearing a pair of earmuffs, and say to your Mother (politely, of course!)....
"Mother, I've got these to protect me from those spoken barbs that you've enjoyed darting my way in the past... Will you please make sure to alert me when you are going to speak to me in a civilized manner... so that I might remove them and hear you????"
That should do the trick....
Good luck...
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A
female
reader, mystiquek + ♥, writes (4 October 2014):
 Aw..I feel for you..I'm 53, my mom is 78 and she still does what your mom does. I've accepted that as long as she is drawing breath she will find something to pick about me about...its her nature. I know that deep down inside my mother means well but I've always got the impression that she's somehow never realized that I've grown up! When I'm heavy she tells me to go on a diet..if I'm thin, then I need to eat. My hair is long..it should be short..if its short..it should be long. I know you have heard all this too.
I've tried many things..and to be honest, the best way is just to smile, agree or let it slide right on by and change the subject. I tried once to talk to my mom about her being critical..and she didn't get it. She said that I was causing problems and she didn't know why I was picking on her!! So yes, if you can...don't take what she says to heart if its critical..and try and just enjoy her company. I think your mom is just like mine and if so, she isn't going to change...ever.
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (4 October 2014):
 Ignoring the comments does not sound like such a nad soltion to me. Since you see your parents so seldom, I'd try to take a deep breath and tough it out. You want to focus on the GOOD part of this visit , you want to make it- as much as possible - a good shared memory, right ? so, maybe it's not worth the trouble to raise issues on matters if principle. They say you can't teach an old dog new tricks, and, I am afraid it's often true. So your mom has a nagging , critical vein... that's how she is, she should not be, but she is and she is not going to change even if you tell her off. I think in this case avoiding conflict shows strength, not weakness. It means that you know how to pick your battles.
If I were you, I'd just try to be brave, smile, let the comments slide and- immediately change subject, she can't easily harp on your regrowth if you are determinedly not responding , and talking about something totally different.
I don't even know if I would bother with what seems the easiest, most logical solution, i.e. simply telling her :
" Yes, I know , my hair suck today, but that's because I can't afford to have it coloured until next week "- which would be enough for most people, but for a nitpicking mom, maybe this would also offer the chance to criticize.... yor poor budgeting.
Eh moms. Some times, you just can't win with them. Focus on the positive, i.e. the fact that she spent the money and took the trouble to come all the way from another State to see you- and that basically she means well even if it comes out wrong.
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