A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:This isn't about my relationship with a partner. This is about my relationship with my mother who has been extra attached and possessive with me because my older sibling never became close to my mother and avoids her. Due to which I have always empathized my mothers situation and tolerated her controlling behavior towards me. But I am 28 years old now and about to get married... my mother continues to fight with me when i visit my close friends, gets possessive over my fiance spending time with me. More frustratingly thinks that it is her right to choose my wedding dress and wedding venue especially because she didn't get to choose the guy I wanted to marry. This where I should mention that I am from a south asian family who is not conservative but yet conservative when convenient. Hypocrite much?Anyway, the cost of the ceremony (a modest one) will be borne by all of us, mostly by me and my fiance and the remaining by my parents and to some extent his parents. I certainly believe all our opinions are to be weighed in. But, at the end of the day it is our wedding and we want to do it the way we want. With my mother intervening in every decision, starting from wedding dress to food, it is becoming extremely frustrating to handle my mothers immature behavior. I am losing the interest to even have a ceremony and all of this is unfair to my fiance because it's his wedding too! I have tried to reason with her and it isn't going anywhere... she thinks that because she is going to help financially, she should be the one to make decisions. Any suggestions? :( Thank you in advance!!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2019): There is a reason your sibling cut her off.Live and learn.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2019): Well, when people offer to contribute money to any cause or event; you invite their input and suggestions.
You better than I, know the ways of the Asian family-culture; and the often unnecessary influence of parents; and their persistence in imposing their will and control over their adult-children. Always claiming to be following tradition, over-asserting their parental-rights, and self-righteously citing that culture gives them their right to meddle. It's certainly not restricted to the Asian culture; but we get a gang of complaints from Asian women about parental-meddling and micromanaging their personal-lives.
You can reduce their involvement by giving your parents back their money. Inform them you will only accept it under the condition they will not interfere; and allow you to use it as you deem necessary. You do not want it, if it is merely a bribe or an investment towards purchasing the rights to control your wedding-planning. However, you will accept their helpful suggestions; while reserving the right to make your own decisions. Approach it like a business-deal. Set rules, restrictions, and boundaries regarding your own wedding. Assert yourself, or let them have their way.
Chances are, their money has already been spent. You have to get planning underway without delay; because it takes months of searching and negotiating in order to reach a wedding date. You also have to secure a venue where the wedding and reception will take place; which requires reservations months in advance. You can't waste a lot of time.
You don't seem to have any control over your life, yet you took money from your parents. You you've indicated you are submissive to your parents' control. So you have negated just about any advice anyone will give you here. You can't gain your own power and control without resistance.
It takes courage and a strong will to remind bossy parents you're an adult.
Taking their money places you at a disadvantage; because you give them the argument you only wanted to use them for their money, giving them no say in how their money is used.
I advise you to give them their money back, with the explanation that you don't feel they can allow you to take it without strings attached. That being their total control; even when they can only offer a limited contribution to the wedding. If you can't stand-up to your parents, our advice goes no further than the screen you're reading it from.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (16 February 2019):
 My advice? Follow in your siblings footsteps and put some distance between yourself and this woman.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (16 February 2019):
 I'd sit her down and tell her if she doesn't STOP, you and your fiance will "just" elope.
Explain that HER behavior is making you not want to do all this wedding stuff with her.
BE honest.
However, your mom IS your mom and will likely not change. If you have allowed her behavior (whereas your siblings didn't) she might think you are totally OK with it.
Sit down with your fiance, DECIDE what you want. From venue, to color scheme, to food. Then tell your mom you have ALREADY decided and STAND firm.
As for your dress. GO for the dress you want. IF you parents are paying for it, stay with in budget, listen to her suggestion and thank her for the input but GO with the dress YOU want.
You know the term "kill her with kindness" ? That would be my approach. Tell her, what a great idea! That sounds lovely, BUT we have decided on THIS. And THAT is how it's going to be.
Maybe put her in charge of something you know she 1. won't mess up and 2. will enjoy doing. Keep her busy with that.
You are 28, TIME to show her you have you own will and will stick to your guns.
If you NEED her to help financially and she has TOLD you " If I pay, I get to decide" then maybe look over the budget WITHOUT her financially input. And then tell her, thanks for "offering" but we want our wedding to be ours, with out taste and choices. If that means not accepting money from you, then that is how it will be. Then scale down the costs and the wedding if need be.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2019): Is there any way you can do without her financial help, even if you put some of the cost on credit? Then you can sit with her and tell her that you and you’re fiancé would like YOUR special day to be the way that you want it. Even if you can’t afford to cut out her financial assistance, have that talk anyway so she can see how serious you are about how you feel. Be sincere. Ask for her help to help you have the wedding you want. Let her know how sad it makes you to think that when you look back on this special day and see how much of it wasn’t yours. Don’t get angry. Don’t accuse. I’m from an Asian family. My mother never imposed her will on me directly but I understand your frustration because my mom was (and is) the type who let me make my choices but also made sure to let me know every second how upset and angry (emphasis on ANGRY) she was with me with choices she didn’t like (and I’m not a terrible person! I’m talking about where she’s gets mad because I give my in laws “too nice” of a gift even though I’d get my parents and sister nicer and more expensive gifts... things like that, and my mom would be very angry and wouldn’t let it go). I can’t change how my my mom thinks and feels. And yeah it’s frustrating because she doesn’t care and won’t change her mind about her opinion, because in her mind she’s right. But I have learned that when I sincerely tell her how I feel without getting angry at her, she softens and is ....less angry and stops bringing up painful things (ha. Not the best result but my mom is my mom). So be sincere. Express how you feel. I think when your mom is being controlling, the source and motivation of her controlling-ness isn’t coming from a bad place, in her mind she thinks she’s HELPING you because SHE thinks she knows better. In her mind she’s older with more experience (and honestly I’ve had egg on my face because often my mom IS right about a lot of things actually—not the petty stuff of course). I say this because if you’re sincere and lay it all out, there may be something deep inside her where she may realize she’s not fulfilling her goal of helping you, and she may back off. But let her know that you’re taking her suggestions seriously. My mom is not born in the US, I don’t know if it’s the same for you. They think we AMERICAN children don’t understand and that makes them sad. So if you want her to understand YOU, make sure she knows that you are trying to understand HER. As annoying and frustrating as it is, humor her and take the time to listen to all the reasons why she wants things a certain way. Then tell her you’ll think about it, then actually and sincerely take the time think about the whys to her opinions, and then make a decision. If it helps your sanity, think of it as advice from her and not a controlling decision. Then get back to her and firmly tell her (if you’re not going with her suggestion) why you’re doing it another way, and again be sincere and not angry or mean. My Asian mom is NOT a touchy feely person (she is such a strong woman! I’m the sensitive type) so when I tell her how I feel I can tell she’s seriously thinking I’m a little nuts, but I notice when I take the time to listen and understand her she makes an effort to try and understand me. My mom is not heartless and I have a feeling your mom is not heartless either... unless she’s maing suggestions bc it benefits her? Or because she think it’ll benefit you? If it’s the first one, then maybe the problem is bigger than I think... Anyway. It’s a lot of diplomatic work but part of it is that you never put your foot down with her. So it’s going to be hard with a lot of patience on your side (if you want to be on good terms with her). There’s no easy solution, and maybe there’s no solution, but try!! And at the end of the day just love each other, let her know you love her. Other aunts/uncles may not agree and maybe my suggestion coddles your mother too much but like I said, I have my own Asian mom issues which color my opinion. I hate that it may sound manipulative, but I’ve just learned over the course of my life so far how to communicate with my mom so we can each be who we are without having major chasms. Good luck! And congrats!! — you’re getting married! :)
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