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My married BF says I worry too much that he is going to be unfaithful to me. Is it all my fault?

Tagged as: Cheating, Health, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (27 July 2016) 25 Answers - (Newest, 17 August 2016)
A female age 30-35, anonymous writes:

Hi. I've been dating a married man for 3 years now.

We have incredible sex together and lots of fun. We get along very well and are sexually perfect for each other. I care a lot for him. He cares for me.

However, my insecurity issues have gotten in the way. They've been there all along but seem to be getting worse.

I worry he will someday cheat on me (already is or has been). I worry he will take up with another woman and discard me when he is tired of me (he has said himself I am "high maintenance") and needing a new thrill. He has access to many women through his work. He swears it isn't that way. Nor will it ever be. That he is not like that. But he is capable. He is cheating on his wife.

He blames me for my excessive worrying. And he thinks I need to control it and just trust him. I want to. I really do but I find it very difficult to trust him. I am not sure why I cannot do it. I seem to always have my guard up. I have moments where I do trust him and I believe he will never hurt me but then I resort back to the worrying.

He asks me why I don't trust him and always question him. He said he has done nothing to me that would cause me to believe he would ever hurt me by betraying me. He has asked me why am I pushing him away?

I want to know if he is right. Is it me who is pushing him away with my needless worry? It is my fault?

Or, do I have a reason to worry this way?

Can anyone give me objective opinions?

I think this problem has been slowly eating away at this relationship. And I wish it wasn't. Things are so much better between us without the trust issues.

Thanks.

View related questions: married man, my ex

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (17 August 2016):

aunt honesty agony auntI think you are right he will not care, because you are a mistress, the woman he says he loves and vowed to be faithful to is lying in bed with him blissfully happy. Sweetie I think you need to end this now and get some counselling, he has warped your mind, almost like he has brain washed you. You will need help to remove him from your life, but you will be much happier in the end.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2016):

Thank you for all your answers. It's the OP.

It's like after 3 years the fantasy fog has worn off. He is trying and trying to keep me in place while I am continually struggling. Hanging on by a thread as time goes by. Of course he wants to hang on. He has the best of all worlds. He loves the sex with me. The arrangement benefits him. But it has become difficult for me. Because I am the one with feelings. He has no emotions. He is capable of turning them on and off. On when they are useful and off when they get in the way. At first I was wrapped up in the fantasy and I was naïve. But now I am wise to his ways. I see he is not a good man. A good man would not do this to me. A good man would not do this to his wife. I wanted so much to believe he was. And this is the man he has SOLD me all along. But I am no longer deluded. It's like he took my innocence. And now I am on the same playing field as him. I know him now. I know how he works. Thinks. Acts. And everything about him scares me. He is dangerous. And yet I go back for more. Like an addiction. It is sad. I know I am better. I know I can do better. And I tell him I am a good girl. Not cut out to be a mistress. But he still wants to hang onto me despite that. He does not care what is best for me. Only what is best for him. I am seeing that now. I thought I was special. Yes, this is how all women in this situation would feel. Because these narcissitic predators put on the act and reel them in. And once they are hooked, it's too late. These men feed off women like me. Because deep down I am not in a happy place and I am reaching out to him to rescue me. Yet I have realized I need to rescue myself. And stop using him as a band aid. He has been the band aid holding me together. And yet now that has changed to an anchor that is weighing me down. Drowning me. First slowly and now much more rapidly. It scares me. It also scares me at how much I panic whenever he is out because I panic he is with another woman doing the same things, saying the same things he does with me. I hyperventilate. I do not sleep. I have told him he would destroy me and break my heart if he slept around. I reminded him we had an agreement from day one. It was him who suggested it in fact. Complete exclusivity. And I have been exclusive to him. No other man. Many times he has come over with scratches. He said he did them. He has a skin condition. This does not look good to a girl with trust issues. He had just returned from a guy's weekend up north. I sent him several texts asking him how it was going. Asked him to call me. And he did. But I just get this gut feeling. You know. I mean, how wrong could it be? I tell him I will stress knowing he is up there and could be up to no good. He assured me over and over he would be good. He went up with three other guys. The oldest one in his 80's and one of them owns a cabin in the woods. They golfed all day and then went back to the cabin at night. This is what he told me. But they are in the woods with other cabins nearby. Could be other women around. They could have gone into town to a bar and met women. Who knows? I mean, there could even be hookers up there. He thinks I have an overactive imagination and blames me for being stressed over nothing. He said he was good. I don't believe him. I never do. I try so hard but I can't. So, I end up punishing him. Pulling away. Trying to control him. Texting him over and over to see where he is. It is very difficult emotionally to have to chase after someone making sure they are not hurting you. He told me I was too much on this trip, always worrying and texting him. He said if I cannot trust him I should leave him. He never said that before. He seemed so non chalant about it, matter of fact. Like it would not hurt him at all to watch me walk away. He said I have cheating at the forefront of my mind all the time. And that I am too much. Now, I wonder if I am too much because I am onto him and he wants to do whatever he wants to do without my interference and attempts to control his behaviour and make him feel guilty. I think deep down I am trying to punish him for being an asshole to me. And I stay because I don't want to make it easy for him to use me and to hurt me. I want him to pay. He came back from the trip with a cut on his knee and a bruise or two and a few scratches. He said he was out in the woods and they were fixing the dock. So all of this would be conducive to being outdoors. Now, I have to believe him. I am not sure if he cheated up there. And yes, I do call it cheating on me because we had an arrangement. So, he is cheating on his wife as well as me. I am not sure if he did. I mean, do guys do that on these trips? Or do they just do guy things? He swears he did not do anything wrong. But I just can't help but think that once I get real to his game - and he sees I am doing that - he is going to want to get rid of me because I am too close to the truth. He prefers a woman who will shut up and put out. Believe him. One who needs to be roped in all over again. And after three years, it isn't me. Not anymore. And I hate that the fantasy is slowly dying. I cannot hang on. I cannot make it as fresh as it once was. I find I am pulling away. No longer wanting sex from him. Because I am finding him disgusting and feel like he is now violating my body. Whereas in the beginning, it was euphoria and pure pleasure. I am sharing my story no holds barred and hope it will be printed. Why? Because pleasure turns to pain. And the very thing that you thought would rescue you ends up destroying you. Not just you. But your soul. Your self worth. Your peace of mind. Your sanity. And for what? For a man who was never worth it. A man who is a pathetic excuse for a human being. I feel sad I allowed him to use me. I guess I needed him in some way. But what I NEED now is to find myself again. To free myself from this misery. I was always afraid to because I knew what kind of pain I would be suffering having to finally go through withdrawal. But I guess that pain will be temporary and just something I will have to go through to get through to the other side. I was never cut out to be a mistress. Like many before me and after me, I was manipulated. Lured in. Sold the fantasy. And once I saw that in the big picture I meant and mean nothing to this man, it helps me put it all into perspective. If it was not me, it would be someone else. And when I leave him, it will be someone else. Likely he already had that person lined up. And he goes on with his happy, entitled life without missing a beat. While I am destroyed. Falling to the ground. Unable to breathe. With my heart torn into pieces. And he won't care. After all this time and all that we have shared, he will NOT CARE. And I cannot tell you how deeply this hurts.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2016):

Nobody here knows how many mistresses the guy has.

He may just have the OP.

Let's be fair. We don't know.

"Smart" you call him, Male Anon?

A guy who dangles one woman in addition to a wife? How smart is playing with fire? Watching your whole life potentially blow up in your face????

I beg to differ.

Guys like this who think with their itty bitty heads end up paying a high price.

Nothing smart about that.

STUPID. VERY, VERY STUPID.

The OP, on the other hand, does not have to be.

SHE can do better than scum.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2016):

This man is smart .... fair play to him he has the ability to have a wife and have god knows how many mistresses at the side for so long ..

he certainly knows the game

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2016):

You wanted to believe the fairytale!

But in fairytales the pursued doesn't put out before marriage!

In fact they marry their prince and live happily ever after!

The fact that you dont know this in adulthood leads me to think you may have been abused as a child!

If this is so it may account for why you are so confused now because your idea of love is already tainted and you previctimised yourself with the 'eyefucking' initial encounter and felt powerless to choose your destiny even though you thought it 'odd'that a business associate wanted to connect via facebook! Where are your chidren now?

Can they help you to see your destiny in a more sensible manner?

Is he likely to prey on them?

Most singleparents employ an element of caution before upending the apple cart or maybe you confuse disapproval with affection!

You have the power to rediscover your true purpose!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2016):

If you can take a step back from this narcissist manipulator and cheat for long enough....and long enough.... and long enough then it will get easier to end it for good. He is absolutely controlling you. Your low self esteem got you in this mess. Now, thanks to him, it is keeping you there. Dig yourself out of it. I am qualified to tell you this because I was in your shoes once. Any man who can cheat so successfully on his wife and take advantage of someone who had already taken a few knocks in life was primed and ready for a user like him is never ever going to get your respect. You cannot respect a man that does that. You were (to him) bound to be happy to be fed the 'crumbs' of his affection.

My ex married man spun me the same lines almost to the word that you have written here. It kept me hanging on for years - yes years of my precious life. Hoping, wondering and ultimately pretending. We have been over for nearly 8 years now and he is still with his wife - I cannot believe I was conned. When I finally told him to get out my life he said "I could have had any number of women, I've had loads of opportunities through my work, but you were special there was nobody else."

I could not have felt less special. If your child grew up and was used like this - what advice would you give them? Its time to stop feeling so low and to start to value your own life. Stop being available and start getting busy filling your life with positives.

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A female reader, Ivyblue Australia + , writes (29 July 2016):

Ivyblue agony auntYour worried that the married man your having an affair with is going to cheat on you? Is this post even real, this is just all that bit too rich of a question to be answering.

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A female reader, Tisha-1 United States + , writes (28 July 2016):

Tisha-1 agony auntSo to summarize your post, you don’t trust him because:

1. He’s a good actor

2. He’s a charmer

3. He has a big ego

4. He considers himself entitled

5. He has a history and a method of interacting with women

6. He’s knows how to manipulate

7. He’s predatory

8. He targets vulnerable women

9. He is willing to have sex with clients and in fact seems to have

10. He’s a predator on single vulnerable women

So, you have identified most of the traits of a sexual predator and user.

You said you were not a career mistress. What job did you think you have been doing these past 3 years? You were auditioned, you met the job requirements and now have been fulfilling all the duties of a career mistress. If that’s not what you want to be, well, brush off the resume, quit the job and find a new role.

You don’t trust this man, with good reason, you are staying with him because he .....

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

6.

7.

8.

9.

10.

From my perspective, it’s just kind of sad to watch someone flail around, unhappy and upset, jealous and confused, when the answer is so simple.

It may not be easy, but the answer is simple.

You are miserable most of the time. It is completely within your power to change but you will have to make a choice that hurts for a short time.

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (28 July 2016):

aunt honesty agony auntWhat did you expect? You put all the blame on him, you where vunerable, just out of a relationship and he sent you a friend request. But I don't buy it. You still new he was married when you had sex with him, you still knew he was taken, yet you still opened your legs. I am in no doubt that you torture yourself all the time, I can tell from all your posts that you are not in a good place. He is not your boyfriend, he cannot cheat on you because he is not yours, the women he sleeps with including you are all the ones that he cheats on his wife with, nothing more. If he loved you, if he wanted you he would have left his wife and made you his girlfriend. But he sees how emotional and deluded you are that he is yours, so he is probably scared you will tell his wife so he tells you what you want to hear. Please go get some counselling, see that you can do better than this, get off the anxiety tablets and get therapy.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (28 July 2016):

Honeypie agony auntI don't think you will ever be able to trust him as much as you would like to, and as much as HE would like you to. Not feeling secure as a mistress I think just comes with the territory. But that territory is a CHOICE.

He HAS proven that he is WILLING to cheat on someone he STOOD up with in front of family, friends (and if religious) God. He GAVE her vows of NEVER doing that. TILL death do them part and well... he didn't stick to that, did he?

You ARE insecure in the affair (sorry I can't call him your BF or this a relationship, because it's an affair, he is your lover, you his mistress) because you NOW know after 3 years that THIS is all it's going to be. YOU being a side dish. A secret part of his life. And while he may care for you, you are not as high on HIS list as HE is on yours. He won't be leaving the wife for you. Staying with him FIRMLY slot you in the pecking order. HE puts HIMSELF first - what he wants, then his status, then... his family, friends, probably his job and then... there is you. YOU put him first, even above yourself.

You feel this way because you aren't LISTENING to your gut and you didn't trust your instincts. You might have "walked" into the affair not knowing he was married, but the minute you found out? YOU CHOSE to stay. Yes, I get that you probably felt very connected to him by then and all the "ya-da ya-da mistress excuses" - you PUT him first. A place he really doesn't deserve, not because he is a "dirty morally depleted wanker and cheater" but because he CAN NOT (and will not) DO the same for you.

YOU have to decide if you will CONTINUE to devalue yourself and settle for someone else's sloppy seconds or not.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2016):

It's OP. No, I did not enter into it willingly because I did not know then what I know now. How could I? I am not a career mistress. First time. And it's only because I cared deeply. It was never just about the sex. I guess I was reaching for a fairy tale when they don't exist.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2016):

This is what you get if youre an obssessive love freak!

You entered into it willingly and now youre crying victim!

When i first read your dilemmas i thought you just wanted attention, affirmation, and validation and something to keep you occupied while you weren't shagging or thinking about shagging!?

The wife very rarely is aware of the husbands infidelities unless they have an open tell all relationship.

But you have woven a web around yourself and now you have caught yourself in it.

If only you could remember the person you once were you might be able to redeem yourself in your own eyes,but i actually believe you enjoy the feeling that your value is in your sexual appetite and how you are treated sexually.

Assuming you really are a person with gifts and talents of your own, then it is wrong for you to see yourself as a sexual condiment for this mans sexual meal.

Perhaps you watch too many romantic films or maybe you are part of the let it all hang out porn group, but until you find a purpose over and above the need to self annihilate for this man you will be ripe to go on the game in a moment of vulnerability.

On the optomistic side you could also gather your problems and publish them as a long running novel like 'Gone with the Wind!'

The problem with your situation is that it is likely only to rebound on yourself , so i hope you have some caring people around you who value you for who you trully are rather than what you project yourself to be.

Culturally you are in a tight corner, but maybe you could take a trip to Paris where romance lurks round every

corner of every coffee bar! Or Ibiza where young men dont mind anyone so long as they can get their kit off.

Its not intrinsically wrong to be a mistress and his wife may well be glad you keep his appetite for sex satified cheaper than the cost of a sex video, but unless it brings you some kind of happiness and reward it is a pointless act!

But on the plus side your writing skills are improving and your novel may be very successful when completed!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2016):

When will married men ever learn that screwing with women's emotions comes with a high price tag?

He thinks he's the one with the power to dump her for a new conquest? He needs to think again. The mistress has the power in the end. And often it's the married man who loses. Everything.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2016):

Hi, it's the OP.

Yes, Tisha. It's been going on for awhile. And I can tell you why I don't trust him. Because he is a good actor. A charmed. He has an ego and feels entitled. He knows his way around women. He knows how to manipulate.

He was the one who pursued me. I was a young, innocent and vulnerable single parent at the time. He hadn't even met me in person yet and sent me a friend request on Facebook. We started our affair when I was his client. I saw his business on the net and FB messaged him some questions. He did not answer them but immediately sent me a friend request, which I found odd. Clearly he was watching my profile. I had just broken up with a boyfriend and I was ripe for a distraction or rebound. He preyed on me, on my vulnerability. But I am no longer that vulnerable girl. He has made me wise to the ways of the wicked. He has taken me on this ride and I let him. I've been his willing victim. I am not longer the woman I used to be. He has destroyed my soul. My feeling of safety and my self worth. At first I waz flattered but now I just feel worthless. I've always asked him if he is a good man. That I want a good man. That I am too spe ial to be some pig's sex toy. Or one of many. He says he is a good man. That he would never hurt me. I told him if it's sex he wants, he has the wrong girl. I told him there are plenty of women he could find to just screw with no strings or headaches. He insists on being with me. Says he has never been with a woman as sexy as me. That I am his best lover ever and he cannot imagine ever finding anyone like me. He says he would never risk what se have by fooling around on me. I don't trust him because he knows which face to put on. He knows how to act. What to say. He is very good at diverting blame on me. Like I am the one who is crazy, is making up stories and has an over active imagination. He says he will never replace me of trade me in.

Tomorrow he leaves til Monday night on guy's golf trip. I am in a panic already. Worrying he is taking another woman on the trip or is meeting her there or will just plan on hanky panky with random women. I saw him today and asked him for details about his trip. He went on about what they would do in great detail, which I found odd. Almost like storytelling. Not his style. I have been to the doctor because of the stress. It has taken a toll on my health and I was prescribed anti anxiety meds. Funny, isn't it, how his wife is also on meds? Depression pills.

He always has to make it a point to talk to random women. He likes to engage in flurry banter which he says is just fun and meaningless. He says it stops if taken too far. Too far? Why does he even feel a need to go there? To push it that far? He seems to have an adventurous spirit and travels a lot with his wife. He works with all women. I worry he could be playing any of them behind my back and he won't leave me till his hard work of reeling another one in pays off. He seems to have taken a shining to a hard bodied blonde at work. She is having marital problems so I can see him trying to worm his way in with her. I worry she will be next. He gets upset when I mention her. And says I have nothing to worry about. Wish I could believe him. I so wish that more than anything.

At this point, I have fallen deeply whereas he wants sex. I guess I was crazy hoping that in 3 years he might have noticed how special a person I was. Thd blonde was cooler to him before but I sense lately she seems to have warmed up to him. And I worry he is carrying on trying to manipulate her into bed the way he manipulated me. He got my attention by eye fucking me. Out of the blue. Took me by surprise. And how do I know he is not being bold the very same way with other women?

Maybe he did not expect me to stay with him this long. He said himself he did not expect this affair to last for 3 years. So I wonder if he stays with me because I won't leave him. And instead of risk upsetting me and fearing I will tell his wife, he keeps me while dabbling. I am lijd his mistress wife if that makes sense but he may still screw around with one nivht stands or women he sees occasionally.

I texted him to tell him he needs to be good while he is away. Not to risk losing me. He said I should stop stressing. That he will be good. That he's always been good. That there will never be anyone else.

The next five days are going to be hell.

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A female reader, Tisha-1 United States + , writes (27 July 2016):

Tisha-1 agony auntHi OP, I feel I’ve watched this relationship unfold over DC over these past years. Your first posts were about the excitement of having this married man approach you, then you and he did have sex and then he ignored you, then obviously things continued, he goes on family vacations with his wife, he’s out of touch with you, he has scratches on his body that you didn’t put there, he suggested you track his phone so you can keep tabs on him because your insecurity has reached feverish proportions....

OP, you have never trusted him. You’ve lusted him.

You ended your marriage. He didn’t end his.

You don’t trust him. He knows that, you know that.

So, let’s have you write down, in specific, the reasons you don’t trust him.

1.

2.

3.

4.

Write it down.

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A female reader, jls022 United Kingdom + , writes (27 July 2016):

The problem you have OP, is that this man's words mean absolutely nothing. I'm sure he also tells his wife that he's faithful, that he'd never cheat, that any insecurities or suspicions she has are all in her mind, when in actuality he's having an affair. With you. You know he is capable of this because you are part of the lie. And if he can so easily lie to his wife, a woman he made vows to and publicly acknowledges as his one and only, then why do you think he would have any issues lying to you too? You're doubting him because he's proven through his actions that he can't be trusted and that his words mean nothing. So why do you stay?

I always ask mistressss to consider this too - if you got to 80 and found your situation was the exact same as it is now, would you be happy? Or would you regret never finding a man of your own who doesn't hide you in the shadows? Because I honestly believe a man like this would keep you hanging on for as long as he can get away with it. I really wish you'd want better for yourself.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2016):

"I've been dating a married man for 3 years now."

You haven't been "dating," you've been having a backstreet affair with a married man whom you know is cheating on his wife with you.

"He cares for me."

No he doesn't. He tells you what you want to hear so you'll continue putting out for him.

"I worry he will someday cheat on me (already is or has been)."

He can't cheat on you; what he can do is cheat on his wife with more than one woman.

"Is it me who is pushing him away with my needless worry? It is my fault?"

No and yes. He's manipulating you so you won't accept the hopelessness of the situation and he can still boink you until HE decides to throw you over for a fresher, shinier new model. But YOU are the one who willfully decided to have an affair with a married man.

"Or, do I have a reason to worry this way?"

No. You have reason to worry about your apparent lack of morals and common sense, as well as your lack of respect and consideration for an innocent woman who's done nothing to hurt you.

"Can anyone give me objective opinions?"

If he really loved you then he'd divorce his wife for you. That's not going to happen because he'd have too much to lose and nothing to gain. He's getting exactly what he wants from you as it is, so why would he want to surrender half his assets for the privilege of being able to be seen in public with you when you can already be had for much, much less?

"Things are so much better between us without the trust issues."

There wouldn't be any "trust issues" if wasn't married and cheating on his wife and there wouldn't be any "trust issues" if you were dating a single guy who didn't give you reason to distrust him.

I usually have very little sympathy for the other woman, though in this case I suspect that possibly you're so starved for male affection and attention that you're rationalizing and making excuses for his and your behavior. It may benefit you to seek counseling as a neutral trained third-party might be able to give you some much-needed perspective.

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A female reader, miss frank United Kingdom +, writes (27 July 2016):

I find your post very sad. Why are you with a taken married man? Why is a position of mistress acceptable to you? What do you really think about this mans moral compass and values and therefore how he behaves and treats others? Because he is appalling.

My opinion is you know he cant be trusted, by the shear face he is with you. You may have trust issues generally in relationships, but this arrangement will magnify them hugely because he cant be trusted. So when hes saying he can, you know he absolutely cant.

How sad that you are in this position, and how utterly sad more than anything for his poor wife to be with a cheating low life of a man- the man you are worried will treat you the way hes treating her. Who knows, maybe he is already- you sure you would be told? Because I would doubt it. He took vows with his wife... All he shares with you is a sordid shund secret, with you scared he'll take uo with someone else, because you know- and you really do know this- doing this to his wife, of course he could without much thought do the same to you.

Do you not want a man you can have to yourself?

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A male reader, Serpico United States +, writes (27 July 2016):

You're dating a married man and you're worried he'll cheat?

Sorry - just dont understand the question you're asking.

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy + , writes (27 July 2016):

CindyCares agony auntWell, like you say, you know he is capable of cheating. You know he is capable of looking fr something new when same old same old is not too exciting anymore. And he is capable of telling lies and covering his tracks ( unless he has informed his wife that he got a mistress,which I doubt ).

So, from this point of view, he's wrong, - he is " like that " . He is exactly like that.

Not enough to warrant total paranoia, but obviously the situation is not in itself one that invites to trust 100%.

I guess what he is saying is that, so far, he has not given you any reason to doubt of him, he has always been accountable for his free time, you always know where you can reach him, he has always been caring, affectionate, attentive to you, sex has always been excellent, etc.

So yes, in this case, so far so good , and he does not see why you are treating him like someone who is ready to jump ship when he is not acting or talking in any way like someone who is ready to jump ship.

If this is going to last for a long time, or even forever, that's another story.

You don't know, he does not know, - there's no answer to that. BUT, since you know for a fact that he has cheated, lied ,manipulated , in fact lived a double life, for the last 3 years,- yes, that makes him more at risk than another guy and your relationship more at risk than another ( not parallel ) relationship.

Particularly because you never mention love or being in love ( well, then again if it were about true love he probably would have found the guts to leave his wife and be with you officially. But, let's forget about this detail for a moment) Anyway, you mention a strong sexual bond , and if what keeps you together is just sex , well...

Don't get me wrong, sex is very important, no doubt about that. But the problem with sex , it's even when it is unbelievably good- after a while, when you have seen all the repertoire several times, if it's just sex it gets boring.

People can, and do, get sick and tired of just sex, - men and women alike.

It's like, I don't know, being forced to eat every week a scrumptious meal, in the company of boring people you don't really connect with. For a while you can just focus on the food and how delicious it tastes , but eventually one inevitably aches for a slice of Domino's pizza eaten with some new , more interesting companion.

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A male reader, Dodds Kenya +, writes (27 July 2016):

Dodds agony auntOh come on! This is such an old cliché story. The sex may be awesome but have you wondered why he is doing this to his wife? Why is he not giving her this great sex that all women crave.

Surely is he not causing her great hurt whether she's aware about it at this point in time? You say you are worried he'll cheat on you yet he's committed the worst of it by cheating on his "WIFE!" Oh come on!

Can't you find a proper single guy to have a healthy relationship with? Why a married man, what about his kids?? You're worried about him cheating on you but what the heck are you doing? Are you expecting some kind of vindication from us?

But all criticism aside has he shown any signs of being unfaithful and having other women? I feel unhappy because he is wasting a woman such as you in her prime and maybe dump her later as he's still with his wife.

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A male reader, DarrellG United Kingdom +, writes (27 July 2016):

DarrellG agony auntActually, I want to change my answer to this completely having actually read it properly.

Its not insecurity - its your guilt and your conscience slowly eating away at you. The solution is simple. End it.

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A male reader, Sageoldguy1465 United States +, writes (27 July 2016):

Sageoldguy1465 agony auntRegarding this: "...Can anyone give me objective opinions?

I think this problem has been slowly eating away at this relationship. And I wish it wasn't. Things are so much better between us without the trust issues."

Don't you suppose his WIFE could have written this, three years ago?

Mistresses get ALL the heartaches of a failed "relationship".. but never, really, get ANY of the benefits. I think you're finding that out, now...

Good luck...

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A female reader, Andie's Thoughts United Kingdom + , writes (27 July 2016):

Andie's Thoughts agony auntHe's being unfaithful to his wife. He can't be unfaithful to you because you're just a bit on the side - you have no claim over him.

Your best bet is to end this arrangement and respect other people's relationships, as well as valuing yourself as more than the other woman.

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A male reader, DarrellG United Kingdom +, writes (27 July 2016):

DarrellG agony auntObjectively, there is nothing your saying here that gives you any grounds not to trust him - I am talking anything concrete so I would lean heavily to backing him up on this one.

Obviously, I would say these issues are deep-seated for you and they do need to be addressed but probably cant be within the framework of the relationship totally - your husband does need to be supportive and you do need to TRY and control these thoughts but my guess is that you probably cant and your going to need counselling and/or something else to get to the bottom of what is going on.

In the meantime, when these negative thoughts occur, try and argue against them with positivity, tell yourself all the great things about your relationships and the reasons that he is faithful to you, he can help with compliments etc but the heavy lifting is mostly on you. You do need to tell him how hard it is if you cannot control these thoughts and he can try and help. Ultimately though the end game has to be seeking help from other sources. Good luck.

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