New here? Register in under one minute   Already a member? Login222421 questions, 964941 answers  

  DearCupid.ORG relationship advice
  Got a relationship, dating, love or sex question? Ask for help!Search
 New Questions Answers . Most Discussed Viewed . Unanswered . Followups . Forums . Top agony aunts . About Us .  Articles  . Sitemap

My marriage and my husband are boring me to pieces, what can I do, give up??

Tagged as: Big Questions, Marriage problems, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (26 July 2010) 12 Answers - (Newest, 28 September 2011)
A female United States age 30-35, anonymous writes:

My God. The boredom I am feeling these days is unrelenting. Well - I have been married to my husband for 2.5 years and we dated for 10 months before that. We were BEST OF FRIENDS and we got along famously. I've had better bedbuddies - but I thought that maybe that would change as we got to know each other better. It hasn't - it has actually gotten worst. For me. He is attractive, just not my type - but he tells me that I am exactly his type. At least someone is happy in that department :/

He wants to be intimate much more than I do. But he is also boring as hell. We live in a big city and we get magazines that show us what's fun - and...nothing. Money has always been an issue, but even when we have it - the man has no imagination. I can count the times on one hand when he has taken me out to dinner in all this time. I have been having mood swings and angry violent episodes lately (sadly) - and it is in direct connection to the lack of stimulation I feel. I'm low maintenance in most areas of my life, and I'm a hard worker - but I need constant stimuli - if not - I feel dead inside.

So I guess my question is - this marriage has lost its luster and neither one is working on 'us'. He goes off and hangs with friends - and I go out with mine - and our conversations have simply deteriorated to 'when are you (meaning him) moving out'? Our existance at home at night is him in the living room watching TV and me in the bedroom on my laptop - until it's time to go to bed. This is supposed to be sexy? I'm dying to have a 2 month laying-low period after he leaves to get back to the game again. Other than that - we are in our mid 30s, and in the worst rut ever.

How much should one stand before one throws in the towel?

View related questions: money, period, violent

<-- Rate this Question

Reply to this Question


Share

Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question!

A reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2011):

I feel the same way, except my husband has a low drive...

Boring, boring, boring, no effort at all sums him up. I can get another man easily, but it is not my style. I am stuck. My husband seems a little mentally ill though. He was talking about fake crying and he lacks empathy. I already know he had problems and left him. Why did I come back?

At least you know there are people who have worse problems than you do. I KNOW IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT! You have done your best, but some people have no ears to hear. I wish they were not allowed to marry. They are tricksters. Once they have your trapped, you are the one to suffer.

<-- Rate this answer

A male reader, StevenTasker United States +, writes (27 July 2010):

agreed. lots of trolls.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A male reader, Serpico United States +, writes (26 July 2010):

Any potential problem that was tiny before marriage will become much larger after marriage. I have never hear one person tell me that marriage made things easier. I have heard many tell me that marriage has made things harder. Make sure those small things are really small things before you get married......

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A male reader, CaringGuy United Kingdom + , writes (26 July 2010):

I'm thinking you two never really got away from being 'best friends'. Realistically, if you're not happy, then you need to end it. You don't sound like you love him as a husband in the slightest. He still just sounds like the best friend. Maybe that's all he was meant to be in your life.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, k_c100 United Kingdom + , writes (26 July 2010):

k_c100 agony auntWell first things first - do you work? If money is an issue and you are bored with your life I hope that the answer is yes, otherwise this is a blatantly obvious way of solving the problem. If you have no money + you are bored = get a job which will mean you have money and something to talk to him about at the end of the day.

Secondly, what are YOUR hobbies? What do you enjoy doing? What makes you happy? I think often in relationships & marriages you forget about yourselves and become just part of a couple, forgetting what made you tick before you met. So think about what you enjoy, maybe some hobbies you stopped years ago but would like to do again - and then do it! Get out there and do something fun, dont wait around for your husband to make you happy, after all only YOU can make yourself happy. Even if you cannot afford to do much, even something little like volunteering (say if you love animals, volunteer at an animal shelter) will give you a bit of purpose in your life and will give you something exciting to do.

Once you have got yourself back on track, then it is time to get your marriage back on track. There is no point in 2 unhappy individuals trying to work things out, you need to be 2 happy people trying to make each other even happier! So get yourselves sorted first, get your own head into a good place and stop trying to live life like it is in a magazine. Surely you would tell anyone who thought life should be like it is in the movies that they are being foolish? So magazines do the exact same thing - it is just an unattainable, unrealistic ideal conjured up by some bored journalist who is running out of things to write about. So get your head out of the clouds, and start looking around you. There are good things in every persons lives, so start taking stock of what you do have rather than wishing for silly things that 99% of the world dont have.

Then have a real talk with your husband. Turn off the TV and laptop, cook dinner and sit down together to eat. Have a real chat with him over dinner about how he feels in the marriage, and then you get to explain how you feel. No shouting or blaming each other, just purely how you feel and what you feel is missing. Then you can make a list - the things you want to change, and the things he wants to change. Then once you have got that together, you can work out how you are going to do these things TOGETHER.

So for instance, you want to go out more frequently as a couple. But if money is an issue yet you like eating out, how about once a week/fortnight, you take it in turns to find a new recipe online or from a recipe book and you make dinner for each other. And on this night there can be no TV, no mobile phones, no laptops etc. Just a good meal, some wine - and even have a dress code! Get dressed up for each other so you have made a real effort, that way you feel like the evening is special. And then try once a month to go out for dinner, or to the movies is a cheaper option. There are plenty of ways to do activities for cheaper - you can by movie passes so you can go more frequently for cheaper, or dining clubs where you can save money at restaurants. Look out for vouchers so you can get money off. Even free activities like going out for a walk and taking a picnic maybe is better than avoiding each other - take some time to do different activities and get to know each other all over again.

I really think you need to remember why you married him - you have said he was your best friend so why was that? What made you so close? What were all the things you used to talk about? You dont marry someone if you dont love them and are not attracted to them, unless you married him purely for the sake of being with someone. So if there are real reasons why you married him then you have enough to work on to re-build your relationship. But if you never loved him and only married him for convenience then that is your own fault, marriage should be based on love and if you never felt anything for him then you should have seen this coming.

I hope this helps and good luck!

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2010):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Um wow. I love how trolls love to make it seem like it's all one sided, like there can be no blame on the the person. Sure - the story is already one sided, but this 'you need therapy' - and 'it's all your fault!' comments are so typical of people probably called onto the mat for the same thing. I'm sorry your SO thinks your are boring too and jerks off in the basement - but please try to keep your personal emotions out of my narrative and keep it upbeat, Zayla80 and anonymous.

It's a two way street - and I can't put in all the effort. That is the point of the story. When should one bail... How does one know when to throw in the towel.

As for everyone else - I thank you all. They say love is work - and honestly - I can 'work' as much as I can - but can only do some much with someone that is a bad planner, never takes me anywhere or does anything new - and just sparks up and tunes out at night. I'm just saying there's got to be someone more stimulating and goal oriented than that out there.

I guess I just answered my own question.

Have a great day everyone!

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2010):

i agree with zayla80 u the one with the problem why wont u go to him and tell him to date u again and turn off ur laptop or go and watch movies with him ur making it worst ur drowning in a cup of water..if u really dont want him anymore LEAVE HIM...

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A male reader, StevenTasker United States +, writes (26 July 2010):

It's easy for everyone to blame you on this one, but maybe instead they could try to help you out.

Anyway I think maybe you should talk to him and try some new things. You can't be as selfish as to just give up on a marriage... after all you took the vows. Find something new that you two can enjoy together.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, Tisha-1 United States + , writes (26 July 2010):

Tisha-1 agony auntCould you tell us why you married him?

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2010):

It's not your husband YOU ARE THE ISSUE. You didn't all of a sudden marry him and disover that he wasn't your "type." If you constantly find yourself bored, then maybe you are the boring one. Your husband is NOT resp. for always having to bring drama and excitment into you life. Chances are, you were not a happy person when you married him and you aren't not that you ARE married.

Get over yourself, and seek therapy. Stop blaming your husband for your lack luster life. If you guys were best friends, then it would be safe to say that you knew the type of guy you were getting involved with. It doesn't sound like your husband is in a rut.....you are.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A male reader, BrownWolf Canada + , writes (26 July 2010):

BrownWolf agony auntSounds routine to me...What do you do to change things up???

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A male reader, RAINORFIRE United States +, writes (26 July 2010):

RAINORFIRE agony auntI dont think you should marry someone that you cant tell them there not good in bed... but i guess most men wouldnt take that to well... but you should be able to tell your husband.. atleast this way he can work on things..

it really sounds like the love has been lost in your marriage,, and neither one of you are btting the bullet to fix it.

if you still love him and he loves you find a way to fix it i;f not sounds like its over

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

Add your answer to the question "My marriage and my husband are boring me to pieces, what can I do, give up??"

Already have an account? Login first
Don't have an account? Register in under one minute and get your own agony aunt column - recommended!

All Content Copyright (C) DearCupid.ORG 2004-2008 - we actively monitor for copyright theft

0.046875!