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My loving, wonderful boyfriend has changed since his return from Iraq. I don't know what to do.

Tagged as: Breaking up, Faded love, Friends, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (16 September 2007) 4 Answers - (Newest, 17 September 2007)
A female United Kingdom age 30-35, anonymous writes:

hay guys!

right i have no idea were to start i met this guy 2 yrs ago! the perfect guy eva! we fell in love almost straight away! then he found out he had to go away for 8 months with the army to iraq! then half way though the trip he got a week off so i went out to see him on holiday! at first he has changed and was werid then we got along again so well!!

then he came bk! he totally diffrent person shouting at me for no reason he was just so stressed! and broke up with me!

as we were going out were were good mates and hung out alot going drinking cclubing u name it! and we have close friends together! and heart broken as i was i still wished to remain friends as for such a long time we were! then we decided to try hanging out! and the first time we had such a laugh it felt like nowt had changed! but then his friends were txting me askin me if i was off out at the weekend and how he was! he still had not told alot of ppl we had broken up!

then we decided to go out on a night out! we started of having a really good night and then........ one of my guy mate came over and hugged me! woow! he was like u bitch how could u do that infont of me!! i was like what so we carried on drinking hanging out! then he asked me if i was seeing anyone yet! i was like no!!! as i still belive in my heart hes the one! i still love and care so much for him!

then we went to the local night club were we spent many of hours dancing and drinking cocktails and having a good night! then he tryed to kiss me! firstly i backed off i knew we were both drunk and i didnt want him to do out he might regret! then he kept trying and trying and trying then i gave in and kissed him bk!

we saw some friends out and went over to talk to them! he told one of his mates he still cares about me and hes not sure what to do but in my heart i belived and maybe still do it was booze talkin so i egnored it!

then he got so drunk i took him bk to my flat as it was in town as he was beeing sick! (nice i no) were i put him to bed and fell asleep!

then the nxt day i woke up with him holding me and kissin my head! pulling me towards him! i wanted it to bad and we slept together! then we snuggled all day and kissed and that!

now i dont no whats going on i dont no what to do?

if anyone has any advice or anything i would appricate it! xxxxx

View related questions: broke up, drunk, fell in love, on holiday

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A male reader, rcn United States +, writes (17 September 2007):

rcn agony auntIt's not your fault. He needs to realize getting drunk is a temporary solution. When he sobers up the problem is still there. He needs help. He needs to see someone who is trained in dealing with PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). Sometimes people with this disorder recognize they are different, but they begin accepting those differences as the new them. They consider the changes as just part of life and it just happens. Quite a few do not realize it is an actual disorder and it can be changed. They can get back to living close to where they were before coming down with it.

Under these circumstances, sometimes there is nothing you can do to help them. Just like anything else, he need to realize "I need help" Once he does assist him in the help he's seeking. If he hasn't realized it, you'll just cause more anger getting him to talk about it.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2007):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

hay thanks i get what ur saying he broke down to me that night and told me it was hard for him and he felt so alone and didnt feel like he had anyone to talk 2 hes so out of control tho drinking all the time to get into a right state i dont no how to help him, i try talk 2 him when hes soba but he dont wanna no only when hes pissed!!! i tryed talking to his best mate and they said it has nothing to do with me now im an x, but i feel as if it is! as no one eles seems to be helping him! i dunno!! xxx

thanks for all your advice anyways

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A male reader, rcn United States +, writes (16 September 2007):

rcn agony auntLook at what's going on as a series of events. Great relationship, fighting a war, then coming back. Most of us can't even imagine what he went through in Iraq. We here stories of what goes on over there, but we're not in the middle of watching war, pain, fear, and death facing us. Give him some time, and some treatment. People who go to war can develop a "post traumatic stress disorder", which would explain the sudden anger. Going to a war can have huge changes on people. It's a place where they live, kill or be killed. I don't think there's any amount of training that can really prepare you for that. They get their orders, and are placed in that situation.

I'm sorry that's happening, and it has to be difficult from your end as well as his. Take care.

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A male reader, Dr. John United States +, writes (16 September 2007):

Dr. John agony auntWe see our loved ones off to Iraq and the next time we see them they are different. What has happened between the time we kiss them and hug them goodby and the time we see them again?

I am kind of a surrogate father to a man who calls me dad and my wife mom. He is in the United States National Guard. He was on the road to boot camp the day the world trade center was destroyed.

He was supposed to be trained for artillary. He said to me; "Don't worry dad, if I end up in battle I won't even see the enemy."

When he came back from his first tour of duty (He is currently there again for the third time) He was completely different.

For a long time he would not talk about what was bothering him.

My persistence finally broke him down and he cried.

He said; "Dad, I wasn't even supposed to have to see the enemy if I was engaged in battle. I was just supposed to fire a cannon at a particular set of coordinates......But I was put on a hummer behind a 50 cal.' (a machine gun)'I had to open up on a whole mess of them. I had to just mow them down." He was snippy and argumentative with me and my wife before this. He had never been that way before. He exibited behaviors like we had never seen in him before.

My advice to you is just give him a little slack and try to understand him a little better. Realize that he probably saw things over there that change a persons mind forever. These things leave mental wounds that take time to heal and sometimes they never heal. At least all the way. And they for some reason have a hard time talking to others about these things. Perhaps because of a feeling of guilt. In this case those feelings may come out in other ways and that may be what you are seeing in him now.

I do hope this gives you a little more insight on what he may be feeling and I hope it helps. Doc.

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