A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:My husband has alzheimers. I love him deeply, and I love and care for him. The illness has changed my life forever. I am a young 55 so in the end I met another man and we are lovers. I know it is wrong but I have some happiness here this way. I would never leave my husband nor put him in a care home. Till death us do part, and my lover knows this and agrees. Now I worry the lover is sexually active with others and I cant say or object. He is single after all. So I tolerate it because he says HE LOVES ME. He has had a load of aggrevation off me over it and he still loves me. I make things hard and difficult for him but he stays and says he still loves me. So lets say he does and maybe someday there is a happy ending. My question is: One of these sexual partners has become a friend, a buddy they are on the phone whenever we are apart. I now realise that it is good morning and sweet dreams calls. sms etc and also if he travels he would call or sms her to say Arrived Safe. Should I be worried? He tells me she is only a friend they met and went swinging together but now is only a friend? Should I be worried because I am stressed as hell over this. My life was difficult before I met this man but now? It seems horrendous and I am at breaking point. I ask should I be worried or am I just being silly as he says?
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSo many years later, he just would not let me walk, so here I am but this time is different after 13 years in total of being a couple with so many upsets.. I forgave and forgave and each time I tried to leave and his silver tongue won. This time it's different. Also I know now for certain that he is a narcissist and as such I learned to accept what and why. HE dumped me cowardly via a phonecall, after me finding him in OUR bed at home with another woman.He said he loves her. I forgave and tried to work on our relationship but he is so in love he does not give one iota about me. The good thing.... it was him who ended it. Bad for me, for all the years I wasted but in my heart I know I have done everything right, I may be a little sneaky so and so and use every trick in the book to gather information but I never hurt any one, apart from myself. I can walk with my head up high and know that the next woman will be his victim but it isnot me anymore.I am slowly moving on now, he still sms's me even telling me he loves me still but I have a life to live and I have been walking away now for two months. wish me luck! No wish me strength!
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThe End well I tried everything years later... I resorted to something really sneaky and now I know what fool I have been.what do i say to a man that says he loves me totally, he wont commit to me and he cheats on me, he also talks about me to family and friends as if I am a total nuisance and something dirty... He thinks he is God's gift to all women... well guess what this lady is walking.
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female
reader, hlskitten +, writes (28 September 2009):
 It just seems such a shame that over a year later, you're still stumbling along in a life thats not good enough for you. I suppose people do it all the time though. I can just imagine feeling extremely drained and exausted ive gotta admit. I think I used to be quite hooked on a turbulant life, these days I just like the peace and quiet, so much so that ive been single over a year. And the longer I am, the longer I seem to wanna be lol
Good luck to you x
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI passed my motorcycle test, and I am now much more relaxed. I go out and meet other people and though the lover is still in the scene he is no longer my one and everything. Whenever I tried to break up it just didnot work but I do know now that he is not what I want anymore. When I am on my bike riding often alone, I find peace and tranquility and I no longer spend hours of fretting of what is right or wrong. Perhaps our social structure doesnot always work and when you go into the grey area it aint easy. I do know 1 thing, just because the guy has the morals of an alley cat doesnot mean I have to accept and condone it. Basically I have moved on because I know that he will never be honourable enough For ME!
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWhen I leave him, he makes me feel like I am the guilty one, So I tried one more time to get together for a chat and a drink with this female friend of his. I tried to arrange it two weeks before the meeting to ensure he, she and I could match diaries. I got back nasty sms from her highly agressive, I told him it was all a No Go event that I had given up on all of it. He kept on saying call her call her, just arrange things, etc. So I did in the end trusting him and his judgment. It was horrendous she not only was abusive but she threatened to hurt and inform my husband.. I talked to my husband, he knows how torn and upset I am. He now knows all about it and yes I am still married because ultimately my husband knows that I love him too. When you are honest at least you keep some sense and balance in your life, I feel bad that I did talk to my husband but I am happy to know that no matter what HE WILL REMAIN MY FRIEND nomatter what. So I have taken up a new hobby (motorbiking taking my theory test soon) and I am cutting this man out of my life bit for bit. I dont cry so much anymore. I shall miss him but when it comes down to it and some one else reads my pain and upsets. WALK AWAY FROM HIM AS NO AMOUNT OF TALKING WILL HELP.
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reader, TELLULAH +, writes (6 April 2009):
 Honey! you are in charge of the situation not him. If you really dont want to see him anymore then DONT.
My guess is though that you do want to, and thats why you are not letting go. Its a no way situation, so take your own advice and walk away head high and spend the rest of the time that you have together with your husband as a decent wife.
Take care XXX
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI never resolved my problem once again trying to break up with this guy... I am getting so low about this all.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTime moved on, every attempt of me leaving him failed because I melt into his lies, he puts on the big love and big tears act.I tried talking to this j"ust friend" she is highly agressive.and last but not least while I am currently away on holiday with my husband (who since had a stroke) I discover they have spend the night together in a motel again, right in my own territory where one of the receptionists is one of my friends, so evidence was easy.After that I just had enough I tried to express my concerns to the point that I am a nag. and I managed to get a promise out of him that he would cool things with her. Yeh right, the tel phone calls morning, and evening ones continued. I work for a civil security service I know how to check things so all the facts are correct. Guess what I am defeated. So if you read this because you have the same problems WALK AWAY HEAD UP HIGH. TURN Y0UR PHONES OFF AS I talked myself blue in the face and he still doesnot get it. All I could do was move out, walk out, turn my phones off, ignore the emails and simply not respond as I did everything, from pleading, pleasing, begging, talking, crying, and trying to laugh it off and not worry.. Well the solution is walk away. My phones have been off for 3 days, he is still calling, txting etc I have an online service to read my own phonelogs so I can see what is going on sneeky but handy. Wish me luck .. and I could really do with someone to talk to ...............
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reader, hlskitten +, writes (23 July 2008):
You obviously take your vows into consideration. Its hard when some sides of the marriage are ok, but not all. Heart goes out to you. We are only human! Hope you get some response from males.
C xxxxx
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFirst of all thanks to every one for the input. What I didnot add was the fact that the lover has been a lover for almost 8 years now. Ive obviously am married even longer. In sickness and in Health ... Yes I know that part I am keeping to it. It is not unusual to be polyamorous and I am not ashamed of it however I am worried are there any male readers that like to advice?
Once more thanks for recent replies I am listening to you all. and.................Thinking....
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2008): My grandma was widowed young but did not want a complicated relationship with a man. She had a male friend who i saw as an uncle but he was married to lady with your husbands condition. It was an agreement between them - they both knew the rules. The difference is that neither party expected too much. You have become emotionally involved. My advice to you is firstly to protect your health as his actions appear to be far from sexually healthy - forgive me if I judge. Secondly you need to re-define what you need to support you in caring for your husband. There are many ways to obtain male company other than a full blown relationship in which lines get blurred and feelings hurt. I would start a fresh. Get some space - maybe a holiday or break for a weekend if you can on your own and get your head straight. This man will never please you and he is 'cheating' kind of yet you are letting yourself get used. I understand your needs but I think they can be met in different ways. i hope this makes sense.
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reader, hlskitten +, writes (23 July 2008):
I expect that last bit, is a good indicator of why you got involved with this guy in the first place. If you're not in a good place in life and are vulnerable, then its more likely we make bad judgements.
Ive been in the same situation as your guy long ago. I was single, he was married. I dated other guys and went out of my way to, because he was unavailable. I didn't even want him full time, i had just come out a long term relationship. But it was the principle of the thing that he slept with his wife every night i wasn't gonna go 'saving' myself for him, no way!
At the end of the day, if he's single and available, he will eventually meet someone in the same circumstances as him, and go for it. Thats what happened with me and him.
Unfortunately there is nothing you can do in my opinion. Its a nightmare situation.
Not having a go because we all end up in situations we dont choose to, all sorts of things for all sorts of reasons. But they do say its what we do about it that counts.
I hope you find a good placeto be at soon.
C xxxxx
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female
reader, O Connor  +, writes (23 July 2008):
 well in all fairness, he's the single one here - and you cant really say anything anyway since you are married and wont leave your husband. wat else is this guy supposed to do? there is no future in it with you because you will always be married, and obviously he is going to meet other ppl. it would be a bit hypocritical to give him grief for seeing other ppl since you are just lovers. however, when he says he loves you - i hate to be the bearer of bad news - but i think he is just saying that. if this is worrying you so much and you cant handle it then stop seeing this guy, because as long as your married, he's free to see other women.
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reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (23 July 2008):
 Worrying never solves anything and in this case you can't do anything about the situation anyway. He's single your not. He can give you any line he wants whether it is true or false. You can either choose to believe him or just accept the way things are. However I sure would be worried about contracting a STD so make sure you are protected. Sorry about your husband. You do remember the part that comes before "until death us do part" don't you? Something about "in sickness and in health"? You took a vow.
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reader, TELLULAH +, writes (23 July 2008):
God almighty darling! you know how to bring grief into your life dont you?
Sweetheart I understand that you need someone to show you efection, because it must be hell having to care for someone so seriously ill. But dont you have enough trouble without being with a man that is two-three timming you. He is a swinger you say and says you shouldnt worry?? Eh.
What about your health, arnt you scared for your safety.
I think you should ditch this guy, because he is using a person that is really vunerable, YOU.
You do not deserve to have this man treat you this way. If he cared at all, he would understand the postion that you are in. I think he is dispicable.
Please take care, you have me worried already XXXXX
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