A
male
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:My girlfriend and I were dating for just over a year and we were so happy together, but the last few months of us dating were just filled with arguments. Those arguments were mainly about her parents as they are extremely controlling and they were negatively affecting our relationship. We live approximately 70 miles apart since I’m at uni and she’s still living with her parents.Her family living situation is weird, she shares a double bed with her mum and her dad sleeps in the other room, and her parents continually argue, this means she doesn’t really have any privacy from her parents.We’ve been on a break for a couple of months and we both agreed that we can see other people and can sleep with others, although we both know the other wouldn’t like it. As long as we told each other everything.We still love each other and spend time with each other, and we both want to get back together properly for the long term.I’ve been talking to this other girl and I’m not really interested in her, but we went on a couple of dates and I thought she was probably the most boring person in the world...but we decided to have a film night and spend the night together. One thing led to another and we had sex, now I feel sick to my stomach and don’t know what to do.My “ex” had been annoying me loads with her being vague about what she wanted and at that time I planned the film night. But recently she seems to be getting closer again and since it’s coming up to my birthday, she’s been planning the whole thing.I want to tell her what happened, but I don’t know how or when. Do I wait till after my birthday or before? Over the phone or in person? I regret sleeping with the other girl and don’t even find her attractive and I’ve cut things off, but I know my “ex” will hate what I did.I have a feeling that on my birthday in a weeks time she is planning on asking us to get back together, and thats what I want most. She is the most wonderful person ever, and I love her with all my heart, I want to spend my life with her but now I think I’ve messed that all up.What do I do? Please help
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male
reader, N91 +, writes (24 March 2018):
 I have to agree with wise owl.
I don't see how getting back together will change anything. You are a prime example of an on/off relationship. I'm not really sure how you think what you have is healthy and that it's meant to work out. It's possible to care for someone immensely but still not be right for each other.
Breaking up really doesn't bode well for future plans does it? Can you explain how her parents were controlling? Maybe if it's to do with you then they plain and simply don't like you and they're looking out for the best interest's of their daughter. Parents have an intuition for spotting dangers to their children, it's in their nature.
Don't you think if you were meant to be there wouldn't be any obstacles? No fighting and breaking up. Things would be progressing naurally without any hindrance.
Personally I think you're both wasting your time.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2018): DO NOT TELL HER YOU SLEPT WITH ANOTHER GIRL. Even if you were in an "open" relationship. How would you feel if she did the same thing?
If you truly love her, this will only hurt her. If anything downplay it if you must, but she will never look at you the same way again.
My ex girlfriend cheated on me while we were still in a relationship a week before I was going to see her after being apart for 3 months due to summer break. I tried to make it work from months after that, but was unable to and had to break up with her.
And about her parents, everybody has issues, especially with their parents at that age. Don't fret on it too much.
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A
male
reader, Allumeuse +, writes (21 March 2018):
--sorry wasn't finished!
I think that there is too much baggage for a troubled relationship to unpack. You have to tell her the truth about the other girl. Do it now before anything else. Yes she'll be hurt but imagine not telling her until after she'd done something nice for your birthday and she discovered that you'd kept it from her till after she'd done the nice thing! And no there isn't the option to not tell her. And make some alternative plans for your birthday.
And IF you survive that her parents are seriously damaging her ability to form adult relationships with by having no boundaries. She'll be stuck with them forever. Avoid avoid avoid. Sorry but look elsewhere. Find someone who has launched properly and is their own woman.
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A
male
reader, Allumeuse +, writes (21 March 2018):
Yes you have made a bit of a mess of things. Yes your choice to sleep with this 'boring' woman was really rash and if you really lived this girl you probably wouldn't want to punish her by doing that.
The modern fallacy is that you should fight for love, well no that's bollocks. Love should enrich your life not make it harder or more miserable. Sure they'll be challenges but on balance love should be easy. Your relationship sounds like you are having to work hard at it and that you aren't on the same page about a lot of things.
For the record, her relationship with her parents sounds deeply troubling. If she was sleeping in the same bed as a parent and she was a child then social services would have become involved. So doing that as a young adult is just as likely to cause harm such as attachment firming issues and problems with boundaries. I'm not surprised you find her parents controlling if she isn't yet sleeping in a separate bed from her mother, surely the definition of attached by her apron strings!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2018): You need to focus on your studies. You two don't really have much of a relationship; if it was good one, you wouldn't argue so much.
The problem is, she can't handle a long-distance relationship. It's too much, and you're just being an emotional-strain on her.
Who are you to decide if her parents are too "controlling?"
Perhaps there are reasons. Why should she be fighting with you regarding her parents? Unless you are pressuring her to rebel against their wishes.
If she's your age, she is pretty young. Her parents may not care much for you, inclusive of the fact you're keeping their daughter tied-up in a long-distance relationship. While you're miles away. Seeing other girls!
They may not like you very much for upsetting her with your fights; which are regarding how they choose to raise their daughter. Her parents' fighting is none of your business. It seems they have serious financial-problems. Married-people have disagreements. You're on the outside looking in; so you don't know what their marriage is all about. So you have no right to be critical of it.
You have a cycle of breaking-up and getting back together, only because you're jealous. It's about jealousy and possessiveness; not because you care so much about each other. All you do when you're together is fight. Blaming her parents.
Maybe you fight because you're incompatible as a couple; and you're too busy competing with her parents for control over her. They impose house-rules; because they are her parents, and she lives under their roof. They financially-support her! Their sleeping arrangements may be set so their daughter doesn't attempt to runaway from home!
You slept with the other girl; because you wanted to. Now you want her back; because you don't want her to sleep with anybody else. If you tell her what you did; then you know you will only upset her again. Resulting in yet another fight.
She really needs to get away from you; and try to get her own life in order. She needs to date other fellows. She should be focusing on her own studies; or considering where she wants to attend university. You're both too young to be clinging to a strenuous long-distance relationship.
Your relationship isn't working-out; and you just hold-on to each other afraid of the other sleeping with other people. Time to grow-up and go your separate-ways.
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