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My long distance boyfriend is being too distant. Please advise.

Tagged as: Long distance, Teenage<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (16 April 2011) 10 Answers - (Newest, 14 May 2011)
A female United States age 18-21, anonymous writes:

My long-distance boyfriend and I have been dating for nine months (due to be ten in a few days) but lately, we've been having communication issues.

I have no idea what goes on in his life. He doesn't tell me anything.. And he doesn't really ask me about mine. I'll ask him what he's up to and he'll just say, "Nothing much" and that will be the end of the conversation...... Did I mention these conversations are over texts?

He doesn't like to call me. I haven't heard his voice in over three months... He didn't even call me on my birthday, which hurt me more than he knows. He doesn't call even when he promises to, and when he does, he seems so upset. Our phone calls last thirty minutes at the most, and half of it is complete and utter silence. And lately, he wont text me for days on end either. He says he's not in a talking mood. And he never, ever texts me first. I don't know what to do! I love him so much, but he's so distant lately and its killing me :( what do I do?

View related questions: long distance, text

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A male reader, mrg123 United Kingdom +, writes (14 May 2011):

mrg123 agony aunt-sent hug-, it will take time but you will be able to let him go and move on and grow. You weren't wasting it, this experience will be something that helps you grow. Take care, I know its clichéd and *very* easy for me to say but things will get better, I promise.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2011):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thanks guys. The relationship didn't last. I'm heartbroken and don't want to let him go, but I'm doing my best to get over him now. I realize that I was wasting nine months of my life and the relationship was doomed from the start anyways..... :'(

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A reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2011):

Hey, I had the same problem with my long distance man. Everything was going great between us for the first 3/4 months and then he suddenly turned distant. I couldn't understand it at first, but then I later found out that he was withdrawing from me to protect himself. He'd been hurt badly in the past and he was worried to get too close to me incase I hurt him too! 3 months on from when his behaviour started to change, we are still not in as much contact as i'd like us to be, but he does love me, he tells me this everytime we talk, he always emphasises how much he misses me and on few occasions has even spoke of marriage. He simply just has trust issues! So to try reassure him, I've started to become very open towards him - I no longer hold back my feelings and I often bring about how I can't wait for us to be together. I've got to earn his trust and i'll do whatever it takes - patience is the key.

I can't be certain this is the case with your boyfriend, but it is something to consider!

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A female reader, So_Very_Confused United States + , writes (18 April 2011):

So_Very_Confused agony auntHoney you are so young... and it's not a good thing... a boy should be so into you he gets in touch with you all the time.. he wants to hear your voice.. and talk to you.

stay friends with him but don't discount finding somene who is closer to you. LDR relationships suck. Trust me I'm in one.

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A male reader, mrg123 United Kingdom +, writes (18 April 2011):

mrg123 agony auntI hate to be the bearer of bad news here - but I would judge him by his actions not his words. As you are obviously aware his actions and words dont fit together and when that happens I think actions are always a better guide to true feelings, sadly in this case. His actions tend to suggest that, unless he can provide a better explanation he doesnt have the feelings he says he has.

Sorry.

I think you need to seriously reconsider this relationship.

Good luck.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2011):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

I've talked to him about it a few times in the past couple months, and he always tells me the same thing. He says that he does love me, and if he wanted to leave me he would have done so by now. Idk if that changes anything, but maybe I should have mentioned this O_o

But even though he says these things, he's not exactly doing anything to fix this...

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A reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2011):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

I've talked to him about it a few times in the past couple months, and he always tells me the same thing. He says that he does love me, and if he wanted to leave me he would have done so by now. Idk if that changes anything, but maybe I should have mentioned this O_o

But even though he says these things, he's not exactly doing anything to fix this...

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A male reader, sebaslookingforward Argentina +, writes (17 April 2011):

How did you meet this guy? I bet it was over the internet.

Don't waste your time online. Break it off and find someone real. You cannot love someone you have never met because you don't know how he is in person.

You have already wasted 10 months. Don't waste any more time and energy on him and find a real lad. Good luck! I bet there are many nice boys in your class!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2011):

He does not want to be with you and you are too young for a ldr anyway forget about him.

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A male reader, mrg123 United Kingdom +, writes (17 April 2011):

mrg123 agony auntWell, I think you have a serious problem here and it needs sorting. None of his behaviour is particularly encouraging but you know that already or else you would not have asked this question. The real thing you need to establish is what lies at the root of this behaviour. I can think of numerous explanations some of which are good and some of which are less so.

For example, it could be that he is having the same problem as you - feeling the pain of the separation but dealing with it in a different way. On the other hand it could be that he is no longer happy in the relationship, no longer has the same feelings/wants the relationship etc and is dealing with this simply but dodging the issue and contacting you as little as possible. Sadly for you I am afraid my money would be on the latter and not the former.

For this reason you need to confront him with this and find out exactly where you stand. You cant carry on like this because it will tear you up inside even worse because the not knowing will eat away at you. Good luck and let us know what happens.

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