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My life is so boring and my husband won't let me go anywhere.

Tagged as: Marriage problems, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (9 March 2008) 4 Answers - (Newest, 29 November 2009)
A female United Kingdom age 51-59, *ot so BIG MUMMA writes:

I am married and have 3 kids. My life is so boring!!

My kids are not bad kids ... they have their moments.. my daughter 14 is a pain in the a..

My son is 16 and is great and so is my 9 year olsd son. My husband over the last couple of years is so controlling and wont let me do anything.

I/he/We have always gone out with friends etc and he is going to Bulgaria for a week with friends soon, but he now wont let me go anywhere. The excuse is always that he cant deal with my daughter as she never comes in on time and causes lots of problems but then she does that anyway and i am feeling so trapped.

I am supposed to be going out friday but i know that i wont be able to go as he has already said that i cant expect him to sort her out if she comes in late! If he wasnt there then i wouldnt have a problem!!

Im probably not even making sense and im sorry.

I used to laugh so much and now i just want to cry

View related questions: trapped

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A female reader, Kgbear South Africa +, writes (29 November 2009):

Kgbear agony auntMy husband is exactly the same, cant go any place, quite actually don't have any place go anymore, we get to visit my sister an whenever we do, its a rush. .only for him to go do sumfin else or take a nap, you not sounding crazy at all to me.

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A male reader, rcn United States +, writes (10 March 2008):

rcn agony auntWhy is your daughter a pain in the bum? Let me ask you this, when you look at the other two as being well behaved and her as not, or when your husband does, is she told this, or is she able to recognise the nege ative feelings from you guys toward her behavior. If so, that's reason for her to continue acting up.

Put yourself in a childs shoes, if a child feels as if they are a failure and is always in trouble, then what motivation do they have to correct their behavior. If he's saying he can't deal with her behavior, let's rephrase that to a 14 year old perspective. "I'm giving up on you."

Your husband needs to recognize you are all in a family together. Just as you haven't, he too can't separate himself from responsibility just because they may be more difficult than he'd hoped.

Now, these are your children. As their mother you have the obligation to provide them with a safe, stable environment, which will benefit them both mentally and physically. Even with the girl who's a pain in your rump. Just because she acts up, doens't change your responsibility to her. I'd tell him, not in so many words, either shape up or ship out. You don't deserve this mistreatment and your children don't deserve to be influenced by it.

Here's something important for you to think about. Children, even at 14, don't just act up without reason. I can almost bet if you have the boys stay with your husband for the evening and you take her out on a girls night out, as friends not as mother daughter, you'll find just how open she may be with you, and you'll find this whole other world of problems and issues she's dealing with that you had no idea that she is weighed down with so much. Often teens act up because there is something really bothering them, but who do they turn too to discuss it with when they feel as if they are being judged for their behavior, and looked down upon for their actions.

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A male reader, vino Australia +, writes (10 March 2008):

vino agony auntYou need to get away from this control freak now. Just listen to yourself, you have no life, he is treating you like a live-in servent. Men like this are dinosaurs and there is no need for you to put up with him in this day and age. You need to talk to your family members and friends and evaluate the advice that they offer. this man has probably destroyed your self esteem and it sounds like he is bullying you with psycological conditioning to make you feel ugly and worthless. In reality he knows that you are a beautiful and desirable person ( why else would he have married you? ) and he is so possesive and jealous that he cannot stand the thought of you being out with your friends in a pub/club or wherever where you might interact with other men who may give you compliments on your appearance etc, because as I said he knows you are a beautiful woman. I notice at the same time that it is perfectly ok for him to be away from home and this is a totaly unacceptable double standard. Using your daughter as an excuse is just that, a pretty poor excuse. If you love this man you need to get him to attend marrige guidence councelling with you, if he refuses to go then you must think of yourself and your children and start making your plans to get away from him. I am sorry if this sounds negative to you, but I have seen this problem before, and remember a man does not have to beat a woman to abuse her, sometimes the psycological warfare that constantly exists day-in day-out can be just as hurtfull, if not worse. Ihope you are strong enough to make the right decisions so that you can regain some independance and happiness, and I wish you all the best for your future, you deserve it.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2008):

I guess this won't help you that much, but...have you told your husband yet? Does he know you're not happy with what's going on? Does your daughter know?

I think my mom would feel the same way as you about it until she got a job. Maybe you could try that, you would meet new people and make friends. You can also try thinking of an activity for the whole family that you'd enjoy doing.

Best of luck, Big Mumma.

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