A
male
age
41-50,
Tormented Soul
writes:I'm looking for help and feel I've nowhere else to turn. 25 years ago I met a girl, we fell in love but my love for sport caused us to finish after a year or so. No one else was involved on either side. Within weeks I'd regretted my decision but she moved away and we lost touch.I've been with my wife for 14 years, 8 of those being married. We don't have children and the last year of so we've gradually become more and more platonic - almost brother and sister yet I believe we still love each other. Last summer, like a bolt from the blue my ex-gf emailed me and suddenly my life lit up and apparently so did hers. She'd married soon after we'd broken up, has two grown children and had been divorced for three years. We decided to meet and it was wonderful, I felt loved and wanted. We met several times and we discussed the possibility of me leaving my wife. I know this sounds so callous and it eats me up, but we'd got into such a rut and I could not see a way of discussing it as she's had a 'Victorian' upbringing and has always found sex rather awkward to discuss.My ex-gf thought it would take at least 12-18 months and that was a 'ball park' guide. I knew it couldn't be rushed and this was reinforced when I soon had to deal with a tragic death and my life was in total turmoil, but both wife and ex-gf were very supportive but to try and make any huge life decisions became impossible.I knew that I'd had to sort my life out and be happy, but just as I was trying to make sense of my life my ex-gf said she'd found someone else. I was devastated, totally devastated - numb and I've lost so much weight and I've distraught and had bouts of crying since. I feel that I've lost the chance to be happy with someone who loves me, I keep imagining she'll end up marrying this other guy and I just torture myself thinking about 'them'. She says she wants to keep in touch though! I feel awful guilt towards my wife and feel my whole life and turned into a shambles of a loveless marriage whilst knowing an ex-gf may have slipped through my hands again and perhaps for the last time. I really am a tormented soul. Can anyone help me, I really am so low. Thanks for reading this far.
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divorce, fell in love, my ex Reply to this Question |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (5 March 2008):
 Life is what you make of it.
No one owes us a life.
You can choose your life to be simple or complicated.
You can choose to walk away or stay .
No one seeks pain .
A
female
reader, dearkelja  + ♥, writes (3 March 2008):
 I am sorry for you tormented soul. If it's any consolation, I am a tormented soul right now too.
This isn't going to be a fun time for you and I'm sorry you have to go through it.
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A
male
reader, Tormented Soul +, writes (3 March 2008):
Tormented Soul is verified as being by the original poster of the questionUpdate - my ex gf has kept in touch and only as recently as nine days ago send the most wonderful email stating I meant everything to her, I consumed my whole mind, body and wanted to be with me. She was due to go on holiday with the 'other' bloke on Saturday and on the morning of her departure sent a loving email saying she truly loved me and couldn't wait to come back. Yes, you've guessed it, she came back from a week away and now although she says she wants to be with me, feels she couldn't bear to hurt his feelings! He knows nothing about me, she has kept me quiet. She has to decide who she wants but he lives on the same island as her, whereas I live on the mainland and he has access to see her whenever he wants. Why is love so painful, we fell in love in 1982 and still feel theame feelings but why is life so painful and complicated?I dread being 'dropped' by her and my nerves and well being are completely shredded.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (18 January 2008):
It is possible that she has found her new man lacking and hope to come back to you again for the third time.Since she has let you down twice , she maybe uncertain of your reactions .She is taking advantage of your weakness and your love for her.She treats you like her life buoy.When she is sinking , she will cling on to you.
If you accept her back , what is there for you when she finds another man and leave you again.Can you trust such a person?
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A
male
reader, Tormented Soul +, writes (17 January 2008):
Tormented Soul is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFirst of all, can I thank those who took the time to respond. This site is invaluable and I'm very grateful.
Update - my ex-gf is still with this other bloke, but she still sends chatty emails and texts saying she loves me (but she isn't saying she's thinking of ditching this bloke or 'fighting' for me). I've not responded because it's too painful, NOW, she's asking why I do not respond and seems very keen to keep in contact!
I've decided to take stock, take a deep breath, step back and discuss with both close female and male friends. I'm in such turmoil I cannot make sensible decisions at the moment.
Can anyone explain what might be going thru my ex-gf's mind given the type of texts/emails she sends every other day??
Thanks once again - I remain a tormented soul :-(
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2008): without me reading the others answers i have to say..you have to communicate with your wife see how she feels..she may feel the same way you do..but it does sound like your heart is in it for this woman...stop sitting around and take action..if you want to make your marriage better try and work it out there's a reason you 2 have made it thus far..at one point something was there that you didn't find in any other woman..but at the same time..if you truly believe its over go get the other woman..only you know what you truly want to happen..and only you can make the move..follow your heart
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A
female
reader, dearkelja + ♥, writes (13 January 2008):
First off, I agree completely with Baby Duck..
Without reading her comments, I would have said...Your marriage is not giving you what you need. If you have asked and tried to get what you need out of your marriage and you've discovered it is not going to happen, then I truly believe it is time to end the marriage.
You should never end a marriage because of someone else. You need to really understand what you want out of life and leave for yourself. Be alone for awhile and enjoy and get to know yourself. This is a critical step or I guarantee that your next relationship will fail for the same reason. Once you can be happy by yourself you are ready for being with someone. I'll use this analogy.."if you don't know what's in your bank account, you shouldn't be writing checks."
Now, you think your chance for love ended with this ex. I'll say that is simply not true. In fact, there is most likely someone out there who will be better than your ex and when you can freely give of yourself, you will find her. The first step is to end your marriage though so that when she comes along, you are available. Finding someone and then ending a marriage is wrong. It's unfair to your spouse and the other person then feels responsible and guilty for breaking up your marriage. That hangs over the relationship.
In summary...
1) Discover if your marriage can give you what you need
2) If not, time to end your marriage (only fair to both of you)
3) Find yourself..even if you stay in your marriage you need to find yourself and love yourself. It'll make your marriage better too.
4) Only when you can truly be happy about being you are you ready to love someone else.
You are responsible for your own happiness...as Baby Duck pointed out.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (13 January 2008):
I am sorry about your tormented life. My empathy to you. Do not look at the strong and high waves that buffets you all around. Focus your eyes on God. There is always hope for every black clouds , there is a silver lining.
You maybe in a very dark tunnel but keep your faith in God and soon you will see the light at the end of the tunnel.
All of us make mistakes in life.We should go back to the true path . We should be satisfied and contented with what we have. Only then can we be happy.Think of those unfortunate ones and we are blessed in many ways.
I became happy when I renounced all my worldly desires.When I can smile everyday , I am happy because when you are sick , you cannot even smile .
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A
female
reader, baby duck + ♥, writes (13 January 2008):
 Well, the first thing I see is that you are pinning your happiness onto other people. Your marriage is unrewarding and your ex girlfriend is unavailable, and you believe your unhappiness is a result of this.
Take your eyes off both of the women and turn them inward.
Your unhappiness stems from the fact that you have values, needs, that have not been met. So often, we think, "If only he or she would 'do this', I would feel loved." Hmmm ... that thought process puts our happiness in someone else's hands. That powerlessness is the root of your unhappiness. If you were to sit your wife down and say, "I realize that you are loving me the way you want to be loved, and I am loving you the way I want to be loved, but neither one of us are being loved by the other in the way that we need. Unless you have another idea, I think it is time to part."
Scary.
Hell, yeah. That's why people stay in unrewarding relationships, because the unknown is so scary. Also, because they pin their happiness on someone else, and there is no guarantee that you will find something better outside of your marriage. On the other hand, if you accept that your happiness is rooted in your choices, and that you have to be happy alone before you can ever have a shot at being happy with someone else, than you can make choices based on those values.
The girlfriend may have slipped through your fingers, but that does not mean that your chance for happiness has.
Look inside. What do you have to do to take care of yourself?
Best wishes.
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